sliding up and down
no fraction at all
i feel like i am
just going to fall

and you will not save me
youll leave me there to die
cause your rollercoaster of love
just keeps passing me by

then it finally stops
and we can go together
riding hand and hand
i could do this forever

but then once again
our realtionship stops
and i go to the bottom
instead of the top

waiting in line
for just one more chance
you munipulate me
and leave me in a trance

and once again,
i go back up
and you drop me down
feels like our love just blew up

MAYBE I DESTROY EVERY REALTIONSHIP THAT I HAVE NOW BECAUSE WHEN I WAS YOUNG I WAS TAUGHT THAT YELLING MEANS LOVING

Beyond the Veil
There lies a Woman with a story to tell.
At one point and time her soul was not so well.
There were so many times she would holler, scream, and yell.
And time after time she found it hard to get up after she would epically fail.
In her mind she was a prisoner locked in jail
closed off in a wall to wall four by four cell
being brutally attack by evil spirits straight from the pits of Hell.
She didn't see her way out because she had no bail.
She felt she had nothing left to offer but her body to sell.
Experiencing so much pain She built a protective shell.
Then one day her soul got mail
From the man with a hole in each hand from a 6inch iron nail.
A man who wore a crown of thorns in his head
As his precious blood was shed
A man who was pierced in side as he hung upon the cross in front Of Everyone
As he died.
And his clothes were tattered, torn, and ripped
As he was mocked, beaten, brusied, and whipped
A man whos who represenation was the true definitions pure Humiliation.
He Reached out to this woman to turn her devastation into consolation.
With her heart open in full co-operation
She recieved his blessing of hers soul's salvation.
She began to show progress of alteration.
He was her medication she needed for a total transformation.
He gave her wise information reguarding her education for spiritualization.
She began to witness Her life drastically changing after the prophetic  manifestation.
He never let her feel the hunger pains of starvation.
He feed her mind, body, and soul from The feast of harvestation.
He lead her to a spring flowing by river called, "The Living Waters" in which she sipped for hydration.
He clothed her in the finest most glorious armour as he smiled happily upon her
He Draped her in the attributes of proverbs 31.
With purpose in each and every step she would run spreading The "Good News" to each and every one.
Swiftly she ran the race As he Laced her pace with style and Grace.
He placed compassion in her heart
And told Her to guard it carefully and never let love depart.
Then one day He allowed God Fearing man to Come her way.
She stopped him and she as she bugun to say, "Now before I give you my attention as My pay, I see you are Attractive and you have A good head on your shoulders but um......., Do you Pray?"
The he gazed at her as if she was a flower in the wild
And Surprisingly he too had smiled, then these words from his mouth begun compile,
"From the moment i looked into your eyes and said, Hey
I knew That The Man above placed you here in my eyesight not just as a display.
But to help guide you as we both take this journey together down the narrow pathway. Im not the one sent here to lead you astray.
Now I know you are probably thinking that this is some childs play.
And that I was just here to use your heart mind and emotions as my prey.
But starting on Today,
I want to know you in every way I want to make every waking minute a time for your Discovery day.
I want to take to you to see a ballet.
Then hold your hand as we sit in admiring nature's beauty at The New York bay.
You can be the chocolate to my milky way
Or Even My Queen of spring like month of may.
I would like you to be more Than my lady.
I would enjoy it very much if you could be my baby.
I will love you beyond the hurt and pain till it just withers away.
I will pray with you during Sunday, weekday, Sabbatha day, and  Especially on Ascension Day.
We can take trips together where we can  find peace in our Getaway.
Im amazed at how I can see and feel your warmth of electrical sun ray
So I stand here before you offering My Love as a prize that you won in a giveaway.
So will you allow me to honor you As I ask you to be My Fiance.?"
Her eyes begun to water as she started to blink
This question posed to her made it hard to think.
Could he be the pen and Im his ink?
Like the brain that sends a message to the eye thru the nerve so that it could be able to wink.
Are in-sync.
Can we work welll together as 1 unit spreading the ministry of Love together as one link.
Building and upholding eachother never to let the other drown or sink.
Can we love and serve one another until one of us becomes extinct.
Then she replied it's something I must pray about.
For I Cannot leave My first love out.
I trust him with my life without a shadow of a doubt.
As long As we have faith in him. He will work all the kinks out.

Even with that Warning,
He insisted on courting
Mentallly Exploring
Showing love and supporting.
Having so much clean fun
Little did She didnt know That realtionship has only just begun.

He want things go further.
For her he has grown fonder
So He knew He had to do things correct and proper.
So He has sought The heavenly Father,
Asking the hand in marriage of his daughter.
He replied I give her to your as an honor.

So he took her on a pinic by the pond.
Telling her how beautifully strong they have grown a bond.
And that he care for more than the physical it spiritual and beyond.
Thats when on her it dawned
As he got down on one knee, with ring as he was patiently awaiting or her to respond.

She said, " Yes"
Next thing you know she was wearing a wedding dress.
Flowing with Gratefulness from her chest
With Kindness She Proudly Professed, "Grate Is Thy Faithfulness"
As she walked down the asile she felt so blessed
She Humbly Confessed.
"God Thank you for never giving up on when I was a wretched mess.
You brought me through the test Because I trusted you during the process.
You took my failures and used them toward my success!
God Reached down in Hell and transfromed my life into a fairytale.
This is what happens when you let Love Of God prevail.
You become beautiful female who is waiting for her Husbands love patiently behind the veil.

Do you seek me Efficienctly?
Do you love me, truely?
Am I your Identity?
Can you hear and feel me?
Am I your Pursuit?
Is it Evident in your Fruit?
Or are you just a *******
Exchanging your body, your talents and gifts for worldly loot.
Are you on the right path taking the right route?

Dont be a Lukewarm Christian
But be Mindful and vigilant,
Pay Attention!
Be on A misson.
Be A Testimony, A living Witness.
Be about Your Father's Businesses.
Dont Be A Lukewarm Christian.
See This was my learning experience from where I have been.
Forgetting that I was born into sin.
So I went to taste its evil bliss very now and again.
Like my pores on my skin,
I open myself up and let it come in.
Sin became like fake friend.
Distracting me from The real focus which was keeping my mind stayed on him.
Sin was Like friction and separated me from God like division.

Although I prayed, "Lord Crucify my flesh
Because I know Im a wretched mess
And You deserve praises of Gratitude nothing less than my very best.
I'm Tired of being a damsel in distress.
Distraught with feelings of being oppressed.
Drowning in pools of Sorrows and seeing  my unworthyness.
Ive sinned.
I'm not right within.
I must verbalize with my mouth and thru my heart I Confess.
How did I became such a wretched mess?
Father I am Down right guilty.
And now Feeling stupid, and filthy.
Ugly, replusive and Grotesque.
Ashamed that became such a wretched mess."
The Fire of Anger Is Raging.
But I heard his voice say, "But My love is never failing or unchanging."
So Now I'm distorted.
Crying, drooling, and  I think I even snorted.
Thinking about all the visions you had planned for me, aborted.
You gave me love Grace and mercy but I gave nothing in return, You felt shorted.
Didn't even realized That our realtionship was being compromised.
I became unsightly hideous.
In this I became Furious,
Mad at the world because I let Lust come between us.
No peace no quite all I do is fuss and fuss.
I claimed to died to my self so in you i have been reborn.
But apart of me is still sinful, angry, beat down, *******, broken and torn.
My Heart is shatter and selfishly I mourn,
Even though I never thought that It was I who left you brutally scorned.
Was I ever real or was It just an act on staged being Performed.
Cuz Im feeling Conviction from the spirit Tell Me I was just A Christian being Lukewarm.
On a daily, crying faithfully asked people just to pray for me.
Walking through life Shamefully
When I should be Praise The Most High Thankfully.
Talking And thinking Mentally
Ultimately, will he always wait for me?
Consciously Rethinking will I ever make it to eternity?
I just cant see Myself being worthy.
Am I truely walking Accordingly?
Am I really seeking his word so it can transfrom me?
Is my life a Prouduct of me worshiping thee?
After all the pain and the suffering.
After All that you went thru just to Sacrifice your only begotten son for our covering.
Just that thought alone left my mind blundering,
Staring and Sitting in deep thought Wondering.............
Am I causing myself spiritual harm?
Because I put on my fake smile and throw in my charm.
Am I Christian Thats Lukewarm.?"
If you so Wake up and Stop hitting the Snooze button on the Alarm.
If this sounds like you, you have been warned!

To you I am true,
To you I won't Let Go
Our hands are tied together,
Like winter and snow.
You bring the Sunshine
You brighten up my life.
You're always there for me,
Throught the good times and the strife.
Some nights I may yell,
Some nights I may scream,
and then I go to bed
To see you in my dream
Your smiles always there sparkling so bright,
Your voice soothes the air,
I hear it every night.
In the morning Ill awaken,
To your face next to mine/
You're there to comfort my shaking,
Time after time.
This I dream of,
A realtionship so true.
This I dream of,
And I want it with you.

Our Realtionship became like the game of truth or dare.
Unaware that the questionnaire would make an emotional wear and tear.
Aurguements Reached despair.
That was the end of our enchanting love affair.
My mouth became a ***** chair
Because you turned into a grizzly bear.
What happened to us Dear?
Because The I can taste the hatered in the air
Everytime that you and I are near
I sense the tension in the atmosphere
Its like you can suspect my fear.
No Warning sign! So Just Beware.
Love doesnt live Here.
Nor does it dwell there.
I became your toxin
And so you became boxed and locked in
Confused and had no other option.
And You, You were my deadly venom
You were like a strong Wind with Serious Momentum.
Our feelings we resent 'em.
We became each others addiction.
Triggering Afflection
Feeling Constriction.
Generating Friction
Mentally and Emotionally we have both given an eviction.
for each other we dont even seem to care.
At first it was so sincere.
But now this burdern I can no longer bare.
Now our hearts are well aware
That Love Doesnt live here
Nor does it dwell there.

Nothing but a Rope it is.
Between two individuals

The Strenght and  Lenght
is all it takes to keep it forever.

Walking together may make it tight
Or may also break if its too light.

Specifications is all that matter
So that hearts do not shatter

Girls girls girls
women women women
ladies ladies ladies
I hope your all forgiven
too long have I been
suduced and played
too long have I paced this hallway
too long have I punched the wall till my knuckels bled
I can follow the knuckle marks threw each realtionship
or what I thought were relationships
a hole sank the titanic
so this hole in my heart
keeps sinking me
will anyone step in and plug it
So I can float the beauitful ocean again

You gave up on me.
I've never been this hurt.
Everyone was right about you.
But i chose not to believe everyone.
Because our realtionship is Me & You.
How could you just forget about me that easily?
How could you just go on life and not think about me?
This isn't fare.
How come everyone gets to be happy EXCEPT me?
How come you can leave me and it doesn't hurt you at all?
I always felt like you never cared and I guess this is proof.....
You and everybody else NEVER CARE.......
e.s

Its late for you to be mine
Its 2018 dear its not nine
May this realtionship instigates
The scattering of light in my life
By the dust
The dust that you thought
my love to be.

May this light makes me understand
That
LOVE RUINS...

Still...
Don't know why i love you...dear Raazh.
I think...
Its not that late for you to be mine.

So I never thought I would be writing this...I have recently had some amazing conversations with some inspirational people; who have all helped me to see where I have gone wrong recently:and trust me I have gone wrong a lot.....

Depression......what a word...I dont want that word near me;but its what I have been. Its an illness in the most complex ***** of the body that affects every aspect of you....sleep, food, ability to communicate effectively, or not communicate at all feeling fear of some thing and not quite sure what it is you may be fearing...There are feelings of anger, It's so strange, confusing, lonely, enlightening, interesting, challenging, reminiscent, sad, ashaming, happy although most of all thoughtful and thankful.

Its an illness that one in three of us suffer from. I actually believe that every one does, although people have different coping mechanisms. This is what I am learning about myself and others at the moment. Anyway...back to that word DEPRESSION....I have just written that in capitals for some reason, its like the ******* word - lol....For me it should be called realisation...my depression has been about change and managing this effectively and some times not so effectively....I have experienced change in who I am...peoples perception of me, and in every realtionship in my life there has been some adjusting....it been an interesting journey.

My angels...my friends and family....they are like diamonds in the sky...They have been there through this hard journey and I know it has not been easy for any of us....thank you for still loving me and continuing to understand me when I know at times you have wondered where the strong, open, bubbly fun JC has gone. And I know I have propably cause you a lot of frustration on the way, I know I have as I have caused myself some...lol.

I understand that and appriciate each and every one of you...thank you for your advice, smiles, for making me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry...I never knew humans could cry so many tears. You have picked me up when I was struggling and each in your individual ways and have carried me forwards...some times I have not recognise the impact of your words or actions for months...but suddenly some thing clicks...

I have been to some dark places recently and you have supported me and loved me...so for that my diamonds I will be eternally grateful.....

Some diamonds have been light and powerful and some have been heavy and wonderful.

We have eyes we have a soul and with those we can know how each other feel you are me i am you we are one thats bonded we can fight through the rough the reason is we can see through this test of what is called love. Soon we will find out iloveyou babe and you are really really beautiful you are the good in me im the good in you together we will want to fight who dosent agree with our realtionship we can go through it you me is us or just you of course the answers us but yes we are one my special.

is it your wife
       your girlfriend
       your boyfriend
       your friends
       your kids
       your car
       your job
       your life
       a realtionship
       ***
       something
       nothing
   or just don't care

Ive never had a long term bf
Ive never been in love
My longest realtionship is 3 months
We were long distance for 1 on those months
Than i moved back and we never had time to see each other
Then we broke up
But i have never been in love
I liked him
But i have never been in love
Ive always dated people who play with my feelings
Flirts, cheaters, clingy boys, heartbreakers
But they always hurt me and i guess thats why i hurt you

Once there was a girl
her eyes were like a pearl
so innocent she was
so painful her story was

She had a Python as a pet
True love with she met
Her eyes would be always wet
The Python made her life fit

Python and the girl loved each other
Others she didn't even bother
They were always together
All happiness she would gather

Her happiness subsided
when the Python starved
Almost all she did
Her worries started

She cried a lot
The Python made a not
She was caught
The Python's love was naught

Its plan was to eat her
which she was not aware
Losing its love was her nightmare
It's starving to eat and digest her

Her tears taught her a lesson
People gave comfort like a cushion
But to cheat only was their mission
She was relieved from her confusion

People  who are close to you
Are not your real friends
We need to cut their realtionship
Before they mix venom in our life