what and if when combined
makes a very strong loop
an endless loop
loop that is very hard to escape from
once you let this two english words into your bones
you'll gonna have trouble sleeping
and propably even thinking
you can follow your heart
but you can also follow your mind
but don't ever ever forget
that some expectations can lead to disappointment

-AA

So I never thought I would be writing this...I have recently had some amazing conversations with some inspirational people; who have all helped me to see where I have gone wrong recently:and trust me I have gone wrong a lot.....

Depression......what a word...I dont want that word near me;but its what I have been. Its an illness in the most complex ***** of the body that affects every aspect of you....sleep, food, ability to communicate effectively, or not communicate at all feeling fear of some thing and not quite sure what it is you may be fearing...There are feelings of anger, It's so strange, confusing, lonely, enlightening, interesting, challenging, reminiscent, sad, ashaming, happy although most of all thoughtful and thankful.

Its an illness that one in three of us suffer from. I actually believe that every one does, although people have different coping mechanisms. This is what I am learning about myself and others at the moment. Anyway...back to that word DEPRESSION....I have just written that in capitals for some reason, its like the ******* word - lol....For me it should be called realisation...my depression has been about change and managing this effectively and some times not so effectively....I have experienced change in who I am...peoples perception of me, and in every realtionship in my life there has been some adjusting....it been an interesting journey.

My angels...my friends and family....they are like diamonds in the sky...They have been there through this hard journey and I know it has not been easy for any of us....thank you for still loving me and continuing to understand me when I know at times you have wondered where the strong, open, bubbly fun JC has gone. And I know I have propably cause you a lot of frustration on the way, I know I have as I have caused myself some...lol.

I understand that and appriciate each and every one of you...thank you for your advice, smiles, for making me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry...I never knew humans could cry so many tears. You have picked me up when I was struggling and each in your individual ways and have carried me forwards...some times I have not recognise the impact of your words or actions for months...but suddenly some thing clicks...

I have been to some dark places recently and you have supported me and loved me...so for that my diamonds I will be eternally grateful.....

Some diamonds have been light and powerful and some have been heavy and wonderful.

A lack of self reflection caused a tumult of upset
A lack of self determination cause a wave of missed opportunities
And it was the lack of understanding that meant we weren't meant to be
Its hard really to self confess an ending which has not yet happened but when you know deep down it's propably meant to end
Not out of hate or a concern that became an all consuming factor over time, but
A lack self diagnosis that meant I struggled to spot the problem
An abundance of youth which meant we were meant to learn not love.

I wanna run away
Not for me
But for you.
You need someone better than me
Not a crazy ***** like me,
Who does nothing good for you
I make you worry
I cause you pain
I am no good

You told me to  write a love letter
And here it is,
If you're gonna cut me out
Do it now
Do it before it starts hurting
Don't be afraid
That I Will hurt myself
I propably Will.

Forget about me
Burn every last memory of me
Let me run away
I won't look back
I won't say goodbye
I Will do it for you

Don't waste your tears
I am not worth
Any drop of water
Except the water that Will drown me
Let me sink into the depth
Of a long forgotten memory

in that the metaphor is
an immediate,
in that the metaphor
is experienced immediately,
in that metaphor is
what is immediately
conceived while pushing
a cube prism through a Δ
opening...
           which is nothing more
than the judeo tetragrammaton
construct seived through
        the diabolical trinity...
          shapes to conform to...
and the difference between
a pun & a pundit?
                 propably a bet...
but if poetics has its
metaphor, equivalent to
                   the philosophical
metaphysics...
              -phor becomes -phren,
a mind, coordinates to
mind the gap, when stepping
off the tube at bank station,
due to the curve, you see,
      less than a minute
seperates liverpool st. and bank
station...
          ****** english,
and its bloodied
               acronym riddled
               american counterpart....
           lol just doesn't cut it...
short-script, curtailed analysis...
                     but when
poetry has its metaphor,
     philosophy has its metaphysics...
lingo?
               teaching a. i.,
                  no greater fanning
the flames than preaching to a.i.
with intent on infamy...
                     ah...
the other benzene ring tactics...
  paranormal,
          at hand... what english is
delusional about, as a tongue,
but not as a people...
                     the ortho-
                               tangent...
   baby, there ain't not study of
orthography, is there,
              if there is no diacritical
application...
                i already told you:
cut the two-headed hydra of
     i            j,       i.e.                 ι     ȷ
it's called momentum:
              governed by reiteration;
mort, the fascination of
the study of vivo...
                   esp. in rather than on,
the canvas of vitro...
        ah (prolonged, inclusive
of a sigh, or a wet sock)...
you want english to apply a study of
orthography? you want to play
by the rules of existing orthography?
        no problem...
just let me give you a head start,
by cutting the siamese heads off
so you can receive a blank canvas...
because writing sEEn is...
well... a pish-poor attempt at
    exercising orthography....
                metaphor and metaphysics
aside...
                   you want to study
orthography? no problem...
           first learn diacritical
                          implementation...
don't worry, the russians are
doubly ****** with their softening
of consonants,
   with their ь...
                 vlad, ьlah sounds more
                                         like bwah.
russian diacritical indicators
are never intra-litterae...
                  always at the end...
why? because she minded to address
the tongue as only managed by
sh sh sh sh sz sh sh sz sh sh sz sh sh sz...
                              shazam!
                that's interchangeable.
oh look, gorilla clenches its hand,
               exposing a grip of knuckles.
don't know, sport,
           at 6ft1 i am happy walking in
the night without a sight of
bother...
                       while drinking
i tend to pretend to juggle
interchanging between my left
                                     and my right foot.

You were my first happy thought when I had my sip of coffee
Now you're still my first thought only I can't finish my coffee
Not because it's sugarless or has no milk, I thank you for that
But because I ******* it all up and I've got to live with that
Call it premature but now I can't finish my coffee cause with each sip I realize
Just how much I really did love you
Who am I kidding, I still do
But here I sit still with my coffee by my side
It's getting cold now cause I don't care about my coffee
I want you by my side
It's a reality I can't seem to face so now I've gone away
Propably not for the best, knowing me
Never the less, I hope to have coffee with you again one day.

I spy with my little eye
A girl trying to tell her childhood goodbye
Who is trying to grow up too fast
Who is inspired by this trend to get out there, in "the vast"
A girl who doesnt know herself
But always tries to find everyone else.
A girl who is trying to love her body
Even though the others judge it harshly.
A girl who wants to find her purpose in life
But she can never let go of people withought putting up a fight.
A girl who loves humanity more than herself
And would give up anything to its best
A girl who tries to act mean and cold
And then she fails to fit this standard shes given herself, this mold
A girl who really wishesh she could date her crush
But who knows that if she did she'd break her fathers heart
A girl who has been looking for meaning in her life
But all she's come up with was emptiness in fright
A girl who feels useless and wasted
Like her existance isn't worth saving
A girl who knows that life can be beatiful
But her blurry thoughts feel like such a handful
What will she become when she grows up
Will this nonesense ever stop?
Will she, like everyone else have a 9 to 5
Or will she be the difference, will she run more than just the quarter mile?
She wants her name to echo in history
But she feels so ordinary so how could that come to be?
If she does end up with a boring life, an easy simple job
The one she'll propably dissapoint the most is herself
But thats what scares the **** out of her head
What if noone expects her to become someone unique
And they all think they'll forget about her oh so quick
What if all the people who expected nothing of her were right
What if its destined that she crashes her flight
Then she just wishes she was a bit more selfish, less scared
So all these thoughts in her head wouldn't be there.