You hate me,
but i won't hurt him.
You see me,
and still ignore.
I sit there and frown
and you let me drown
in a silence of loathing.

JG (2)

There's so much more to say about the things you did to me.
I know it's not black and white.
I know you were hurt by me,
but never in the way you hurt me.
I gave you a scratch while in an autistic meltdown living with you caused, and you told me I wasn't a person. That's an important distinction.

I just woke up from a nightmare. It was so vivid.
I often have very vivid dreams, and I've had terrible nightmares before. Of course I have. You get nightmares when you live in unlivable conditions. But that's over now. I haven't had a nightmare for over a year.

You know what? My last nightmare- the last one I really remember- was about someone else.

She's beautiful. Just absolutely gorgeous- she loves to hear it, too. She's kind- because after having experienced her own darkness, she knows to be. But she's also afraid. I don't think she knows I can see it.
She hides away when she's unsure about things, but only because she wants to get it right- I think she's a perfectionist that way- and she's very secretive. Especially when it comes to her fears.
She's made mistakes, and when she does she tends to run away from them, but in the end, she wants to be better. Ultimately, she wants to grow. I believe that.

That's why I'll forgive her when she comes.

I feel a softness for her that I also feel for you. Each person is infinitely precious; what we go through matters and our experiences make us rich, like wines that become more valuable with time-- except.. putting it that way isn't quite right.
I think that existence equals value. I'd love the grape as much as I'd love the wine. I believe the value you hold now was there when you were born. I think people just become brighter with time, no matter what we experience. But we have always been precious, and worth being protected.

You're so precious. There's only one of you.
I feel love for you, of course I do. I'm probably wrong about a few things, not getting the full story of it. I certainly don't totally know how you felt during all that. Since you've just..never told me.

But I don't care.
I don't mean that in a cruel, defensive way. I just don't want to engage with it. I'm not interested.
I'm not necessarily even upset about any of this.

I don't feel resentment. I don't feel like it's even me you betrayed.
I've processed so much of my trauma; the me who suffered and the present me feel like different people now. And I'm angry you hurt someone.
You put them through something they didn't have to experience. You made their dissociation permanent by forcing them into this environment when they had already told you they weren't ready.

They'd lie awake at night having these episodes of despair, and you were annoyed.
"I just want to sleep" you said, with a person crying, spiraling in despair, unable to cope with any of it, next to you in bed.
That's a whole person, as infinitely precious as you and everyone else on the planet and you treated them- you guessed it- not like a person, but like a problem. An annoyance.

I'm not going to forgive you for that.

Not only that, but you come offering nostalgia of all things, to pull me back into you. Nostalgia. What's that got to do with the **** you put me through?

There's so much more. The time you hid the matches just to try to make things a little harder for me and Dani. The jealousy. But then you'd ****** some girl days after we'd separated. Touching me, thinking you were seducing me somehow, when I came into your place for less than a minute- while Dani and my mother were outside waiting. Do you know how ****** up and uncomfortable that was?
The disrespect. I should've decked you. I should have dislocated your jaw. Should have opened the scar above your lip.

It's not about whether you intended to or not.
"I didn't know any better" is a truth that very rarely changes anything.
You didn't know any better and it hurt me. That's why we learn. That's why we grow. That's why we must refuse to stay still.
But you loved being still. And you refused to grow, and you proudly kept yourself ignorant.

What else can I even say.

Oh, my nightmare.

I dreamt a friend of yours had me institutionalized, and because you were angry at me for something small that I did, you let it happen.
Which is just exactly what you would've done in real life.

It was terrifying. I woke up so scared. I thought it was real.

I'm tired and hungry.
I'm gonna go pet my cats.

Stargazing

Come with me to the roof of the world, look up, see the clear, velvet night bejewelled with thousands of twinkling stars
glittering the heavens, shining so bright
The night garden’s star flowers glow in the darkness
at the roof of the world, come stargaze with me
I will catch you a falling star for your posey
sparkle your hair with her diamond bright light
glitter your eyelids with starlight and moon-dust
if you stargaze with me in the dark velvet night.

07/01/19 JG

http://m.poemhunter.com/poem/salmon/
One of my favorite JG joints. I got a book of hers in the late 90s - the power to dent he template of reason is in how she pulls word around notions. She is gold

​
if i were to fall, would you catch me?

Just sitting here alone with naught around
But quaking ducks and loaves of bread to break
A breath of wind that fails to bring a sound
Yet gently shivers autumn leaves to shake.
I search the path that led me down to here
My heart that longs to see you drawing near
The chance you found your way to follow me
But knowing deep inside it cannot be.
Yet darling I’m not touched by loveless fear
Although distance may seem a fierce frontier
It is your love that brings me all I need
And gives me strength to see the future through
There is one small thing I must now concede
When we are apart, baby, I miss you!


© JG Farmer 2013

Have you ever been kissed by the one girl?
The only girl who claimed to steal your heart
As your mouth dried to dust, your brain a swirl
Of all the things you thought of as love’s art.
And there she’s stood, just waiting in the rain,
Her honeyed lips moistened to glossy shine,
And your soul takes that leap of faith again
Embracing senses spreading like a vine.


© JG Farmer 2013

Bewitch me, Ayesha, in volcanic realms
to bathe in the flames of your pillar of light
Sorceress of beauty, your power overwhelms
your enchanted incarnate, returned from the night
Ageless and timeless, in Kor once revered
Lost in your eyes, in your spellbinding gaze
Two millennia existed, now cruel and feared
by the people you’ve ruled in formidable ways
Step into the blue flames, to melt and to burn?
To give reassurance you step in the blue
caressing your body, erotically turn
Eternal life beckons in harmony with you
We bathe in the light so forever exist
Ayesha, Kallikrates ever entwined
Then time to step out, but a terrible twist
Ayesha you whither likes grapes on a vine
Your body is shrivelling, you’re turning to dust
Before me my lover gone back to the earth
Now I reincarnate forever to lust
for you to come back to me, for your rebirth
I pine for you, grieve for you, calling your name
What you failed to know of the blue fire’s curse
is that once you may enter the magical flame
but the second time all of its powers reverse.

30.12.18 JG

Pretty snowflakes swirling and spiralling through the air, softly landing
A myriad of different shapes and sizes
I laugh as one lands on my nose. My breath hangs in the air like a small cloud.
Snow to the knees, we sink in it as we walk and leave deep footprints. I try to step in your deeper footprints.

Overnight, white Winter, with cold heart has touched the land with her icey fingers and left a wonderland behind.
The stream is covered in ice, and translucent hard pointed jewels hang where once the waterfall cascaded.  The bare arms of the trees are painted in white as Winter brushed past in her rush to cover the land.

Wrapped up warm, we enjoy the winter scenery as we sink in snow making our way home. Because of the cold and snow, home feels extra comforting. It’s a pleasure to warm our hands before the fire, snuggle up with mugs of piping hot tea, through the window watch the snowflakes tumble like little lacey acrobats.

14/01/19 JG

HI DUDES


I HAVE JUST HEARD THAT MY DAD AND ROBIN WILLIAMS HAVE ENTERED THEIR

NEW LIVES, YOU SEE DAD WHO IS ELIZABETH CAMPBELL AND WIILIAM CAMPBELL

IS ROBIN WILLIAMS, YOU SEE LAST NIGHT, WAS A GREAT DAY FOR DAD, BECAUSE

I GOT A KEG OF METHANE, AND THREW ALL THE OLD FOGIE OUT OF DAD

BUT I THINK MY BROTHER AND AUNTY DAPHNE, CAME UP, TO TAKE THE GUY

OUT OF DAD, AS WELL, YA SEE, ROBIN WILLIAMS, WAS THE COOL ONE

AND DAD DID SAY, THAT MEN AND WOMEN ARE EQUAL, ANYWAY, I THINK MEN

AND WOMEN ARE EQUAL TOO, AND I WANTED DAD AND ROBIN WILLIAMS TO LEAVE

LISA’S ******, AND START A NEW LIFE, ON EARTH, IN THE CAMPBELL’S HOUSEHOLD

AND FOR A WHILE I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH DADS, WORRYING, BUT THERE IS NOTHING

WRONG WITH LOSING YOUR MAN, DAD, YOU WERE A BUSHWALKER, YOU CAN STILL DO THAT

YOU CAN PLAY TENNIS, OR TOUCH FOOTY, NO GIRLS DO MORE IN THIS DAY AND AGE

THAN THEY DID IN MY DAY, OR YOUR DAY, SHOULD I SAY

NOW, I WANT OLGA,. TO MAKE YOU FEEL COOL, YOU ARE THE ONLY GIRL WITH TWO BROTHERS

IT’LL BE A BUMPY ROAD FOR YOU DAD, BUT DON’T FORGET, WE HAVE THE COSMOS DAD

SO I CAN PERFORM AND TIP METHANE, IF YOU TEASE LIKE THE KIDS, REMEMBER

YOUR LAST LIFE, HATED KIDS SPEECH, REMEMBER YOUR OLD STYLE, YOU NEED TO

BE CREATIVE DAD, I LOVE YOU, BUT I THINK, YOU ARE BACK IN THE WORLD AGAIN

AND DAD, YOUR STILL AUSTRALIAN, EVEN YOUR STILL A NSW KID

LIVING IN SYDNEY, COOL WHEN YOU COME TO THINK OF IT, HEY

I WILL MEET YOU WHEN I AM FAMOUS

IT’S MY CRONUS POWERS, MAKING ME KEEP TRACK, OK

KEEP ME POSTED, YOUR COSMIC SON JG BROWN

Graceful swan, your plumage white
you haunt the shadows of the night
on glacial waters of the lake
mute you glide, no sound do make
And I have loved you from afar
Lost to me, my wandering star

And how you danced as wings took flight
You mesmerised with feet so light
on every pirouette you spun
in moonlight’s glow, my heart was won
And still I love you evermore
Lost to me, hard to endure

You are the lake, the stars, the moon
Ethereal music’s soulful tune
Princess of the glacial water
Nevermore a lover, daughter
In death, your voice will soar the plains
Sing for me those sad refrains

Graceful swan, my deep regret
you nevermore shall be Odette.

28/01/19 JG

The saddest day there’ll ever be
when nature sobs in harmony
Planet Earth will cease to be
and Heaven sends her sympathy

We will see the rainfall pouring
tears that never end
pooling in deep waters
as she cry, cries
until the angels die
falling from the heavens
drowning in her waters deep  
their wings too wet to fly

We will hear the wild winds howling
screeching through the trees
calling out in misery
The Earth is on her knees
The angels that watched over us
are nevermore to be
The saddest day we’ll ever see
The death of Planet Earth.

21/01/19 JG

"I love you even*       "I love you even
               when I think       when you think
                       about death."           about death"  
                                          -JG                 ­          *-BB

Countess Dracula

Was she a vampire or evil personified
Elizabeth Bathory the name turns one cold
Treated young virgins as toys to experiment
Bathed in their blood so she’d never grow old
In Hungarian castle she ruled as a tyrant when Hungary, Slovakia, Romania were one
Infamous serial killer gone down in folklore
No justice served for the crimes that she’s done
Solitary confinement, her rooms with no view
within her own castle so nobles saved face
For the 650 young deaths she committed
For the hundreds abducted, with never a trace
Sadistic in nature, her pleasure in torture
Accomplices ready to act on her say
How could a woman so cruel be nurtured
and ****** so many yet not seem to pay.
Four years in her room then the cold seemed to trouble her
Retired to her bed, and the next day was dead
Cold runs through my veins at the pain she’s inflicted
Her name sends a shiver whenever it’s said...... Countess Dracula

30.12.18 JG

I'm tired of seeing the good in you. I'm tired of giving and watching as you sit and receive. Did someone tell you you were a king? Your made a crown from paper when you were twelve and you still walk around with it on your head.
I don't want your apology. If I see you I want to punch you in your mouth for all the times it could've said the words and didn't. Even now you have no idea what an apology is. Even now you have no idea what it all did to me.

I'm tired of trying to see the good in you when I know you've never tried doing the same for me. I'm tired of giving and watching as you sit and think you have a throne, that I owe you myself, like a jester, that I exist to fix it like you asked me to do that day in bed in that nightmare of an apartment. I'm not a hammer. I'm not your mommy. I'm not your dad. Go to therapy.

You idiot, you stupid idiot. I nurtured my own light and you never even tried to do the same for yourself. I watched you run that day and kept my wide, unblinking eyes open as your body gave next to the finish line. I sat in the hallway and you came back so I'd chase you. If I looked inside your skin the bruise on your leg would still be there, unhealed to this day. Now you get nothing. There's nothing. You didn't try and now nobody gets anything.

The sweet, sweet smell of a fresh rainfall
I breathe her in as I recall
A lingering kiss
A feel of bliss
Sheltering by the old stone wall

Rainfall bouncing on the ground
Takes me back that sound, that pound
to soaking skin
Clothes that cling
Laughing, running. Love we’d found

Rainfall heavy as my heart,
River of my tears
A soft goodbye
A wondering why
Rain reminds me we’re apart

2/2/19 JG

Apne hisse ki khusiya hmpe waar diye
sine m apne chpaye gum ko
hme khusiyoon ka uphaar diye
Hr kaaton pe chl kr v
hate jholiyo m khusiyaan dhaal diye
rab K hme mata - pita K naam pe
h jg K do anmol uphaar diye

The dark waltz

I love the dark waltz - deliciously midnight
The Phantom, the opera, the dark lair
the gothic, the mystery, the moonlight
The ethereal spirit of night air
I love the sensual, the star crossed young lovers
The tragic, the dreamer, the doomed
Shakespeare, Lord Byron and Sylvia Plath
Great poets that I have consumed
I love Tchaikovsky, Odette and Odile
Carmen by Bizet, Miss Saigon, Les Mis
The music, the poetry that make my heart feel
Nothing inspires such as this
Spinning me round to the beautiful sound
Of the dark waltz into the abyss

26.12.18 JG

Rock God

So lithely you moved, owning the stage
Curly dark hair framing heavenly face
Energy flowing from every part
Tight - your rock voice filling the place

In your prime the only rock god of the ages
A giant amongst us, gyrating the floor
Sensual being, your body on show
Leaving us wanting, begging for more

Brown eyes to melt a hardened heart
You had us with a soft smile
A slide of the hips, a need you tonight
Captivated our senses, we drooled for a while

No one could match you for raw energy
You sang with the band whilst you covered the floor
No one has ever bewitched us like you did
You gave us yourself and we all wanted more

The music lives on but you were its life force
It hurt when you died in a moment of pain
Michael we loved you for all that you brought us
We’ll not see your like in this sad world again.

12/01/19 JG

She left with a case, not even a note
Heels clicking she never turned back
Clickety click, clickety clack

Where’s mum - little faces pressed
against the glass, eyes searching
Come away, says he, have your tea

She left for another, in her best coat
Heels clicking, she moved on with glee
Clickety clack, entertained on her back

Where’s mum- little cheeks stained
with tears, still eyes searching
Get to bed, says he, you’ve still got me

She left for the new, her old life remote
Heels clacking, she felt they did click
Clickety clack, her heels left no track

Where’s mum - little hearts plead
Eyes searching and searching
Clickety clack, she’s not coming back.

29/01/19 JG

I love the bones of you my valentine
Why don’t we go socialise?
Celebrate Valentine’s Day
You don’t look fat in my eyes
You’ve nobody to go with
But I will be there at your side
You like a bit of meat to grab hold of?
But I’m your attractive corpse bride

I love the bones of you back, my dear
We could dance, do the Boney Maloney
Rattle and roll, I do a neat trombone
Go Italian and eat macaroni
I’m more at ease at Halloween
But we’ll go paint the town, have a scream
Tickle my funny bone, give me a squeeze
A skeleton’s Valentine dream

Only if your heart is in it.

14/02/19 JG

The day I met a puffin we were standing in his path
Excitedly we clicked and snapped, keen to photograph
Sand eels dangling from his bill, he stood his tiny ground
Then off he flew, back out to sea and circled round and round
He came back twice to see us, so we thought what a thrill
To see this little sea clown close, with sand eels in his bill
Move out the way a local called, he needs to feed the chick
We stepped aside, he dashed straight past, into his burrow quick.
Before I met a puffin, I thought of them as tall
But in your pocket they could fit, they really are that small.
Sad eyed, painted Pierrots, a marvel to the eye
Swimming in the waters or whirling in the sky
All around a flash of orange, yellow, black, white, grey
Sorry little Sea clown for standing in your way.

15.10.18 JG

A lady pen wrote of love in meter,
from on the Grecian isle and ancient time.
For womankind, was honey ever sweeter?
She was not condemned, when she made her rhyme
A lyricist words were made for singing,
Plato’s muse she inspires from long ago.
Her name now echoes as a bell ringing
A way of loving she has set aglow.
From that isle, she refined her own beat,
and thus her name remains as poem form.
Given pride too, as we measure the feet,
a genre of art brings critical storm.
No shame now, we will show our love and pride
in the life culture, we choose to reside.

©JG Farmer 2008

Here’s to a new year

Here’s to a new year, a brave year, a better year
A year when our dreams all come true
Here’s to a slimmer me, a thinner me, a fitter me
think I’ve said that since 1992.
Here’s to a new year, successful year, a better year
A year when we see Brexit through
Mind - we’ve been saying that and praying that and hoping that,
for at least a year or two (feels like 10)
Here’s to a happy year, adventurous year, a good year
That we flourish in everything we do
So raise a toast, and clink your glass
To a year all bright and new.
Happy New Year

30.12.18 JG

Pale to the night sky, my raven haired beauty, her vast velvet midnight that reaches forever
And pale to the bright stars as jewels adorn her, spread to the heavens in sparkling array
Pale to the full moon, her silvery shining, bewitching the darkness and casting her spell
Pale to your sisters of dark night, my beauty
Humbled before nature’s night-time display.

1.11.18 JG

Hallelujah sang the angels
as he floated down the river
Romantic Masterpiece played on
Rescued from a watery grave
Haunting the Mississippi

Grace sang the angels
as he floated down the river
Poet Extraordinaire floats on
Rescued from a watery grave
Dream Brother

And the angels sang falsetto
Oh I’m not afraid to die
And the rain is falling
Wait in the fire, wait in the fire
Hallelujah ... I feel I’m drownin’ my name...

5/2/19 JG

She danced the dance of Death
The red shoes clinging tight
Pain with every breath
Giving up the fight

Near to sweet life’s end
The red shoes whirl her round
On Death she can depend
To dance her underground

Round, round in Dark Waltz spin
The red shoes dance her, on and on
A punishment for Karen’s sin
No sweet release for doing wrong

As she dances through Death’s door
The red shoes haunt the night
And spin around for evermore
A melancholy sight

26/01/19 JG

The Pursuit

They met at at a ball and they danced through the night
The dashing young count and the lady in black
The music, attention, they soared as in flight
From that moment in time, there was no turning back
But back she did travel to husband and son
She tried quell the music that played through her mind
When she danced in a dream that could not be undone
She tried but the music could not be confined
And she saw that her cold life with husband was wasted
She tried do her duties, her life was her son
When her heart felt the stirrings of passion untasted
There was no going back, a great love had begun
He pursued her, oh how he pursued her
Attentive, his eyes burned with interest that thrilled
From city to city, he chased, would not lose her
His desire fanned the flames of a love unfulfilled
He made her feel beautiful, shine in his presence
Name a young woman who’d not feel that thrill
The dashing young count with a gaze so intense
Then he stopped his pursuit, going in for the ****.
She had tried to tell him to leave her life be
Of her husband in politics, duties were bound
But he knew her heart fluttered when she gave her plea
He saw in her eyes the great love they had found
So He failed show his face, several weeks with no show
Not there at the socials, the opera, no news
And oh how she missed him wherever she’d go
Full on down to nothing, but this was his ruse
Then he sent her a letter to come to his room
It was now all or nothing, come or be done
This was the moment that led to her doom
But for passion she had to now shine in the sun
So she threw off conventions to feel passion’s kiss
And they burned in the flames of a mutual desire
When every last fibre of being needed this
When duty and honour were burned in the fire.

31.12.18 JG

In one soft kiss a myriad of sunbeams dance
In one soft kiss a rainbow’s arch its power to enhance
In one soft kiss a feel of bliss lifts high on Cupid’s wings
In one soft kiss a sweet song fills the air and my heart sings

In one soft touch a bud awakens into passion’s flower
In one soft touch a firework explodes in dazzling shower
In one soft touch a feel of such magic surges through
In one soft touch a meltdown of my body into you

2/11/99 JG

The City of Light

Paris, the city of love, the city of light
La Ville-Lumiere
Birthplace of the Age of Enlightenment
Here, poets, writers and artists
have found inspiration for centuries.

Every night she glows
illuminating the skyline.
Radiant capital casting her magic spell
captivating all who walk her boulevards,
river banks and bridges.
Against the velvet night sky the lit up landmarks stand out in splendour.

In her midst, I have a lightness of step, a lightness of mood
and oh, how I love as all lovers do.
She romances me as no other.

At nightfall the famous Eiffel Tower
a large lighthouse
a beacon shining over the city.
I catch my breath in wonderment at the power of her blazing beams of light.
From sunset her glittering gold
glows on the hour.  
Light shows entertain the passers by, the crowds.

Paris in the daytime is a dream
Paris in the nighttime an enchantment
that lights up our hearts and minds.
She romances me as no other.

15/01/19 JG

In the hand of the Baptist by Raphael himself
The Christ child is reaching and touching your head
the blood of salvation is etched out in red

Chained by Fabritius and haunting The Hague
Trained to do tricks in the Dutch golden age
And gold marks your clipped wings

Hardy wrote of you, of tortures endured
In boxes of darkness you never deserved
And your cry is of freedom, your pure voice to soar

On thistle you feast, and your trills fill the air
Charms of you flocking, my autumn tree bare
Anointed as robins, the golden finch sings.

17.12.18 JG

I lost you to the mountain, to the longing in your heart
My mortal charms could never hold you here
I lost you to the dream, to compete I could not start
All I have is empty arms and nights of chilling fear
I lost you to the mountain, because it’s there you said
And I am here, but lay discarded in an empty bed

They say you never made it, they say you disappeared
You had to make it to the top or what was this all for?
You wanted it so very much and it’s the thing I feared
They say you’re never coming back, I wonder if they’re sure
A dream to stand upon the highest peak
To not see, not hold, not be there, not speak
I lost you to the mountain a long long time ago

JG 7.4.18

Dust settles rapidly
On empty battlefields
In mourning reflection
And lovers lingering
In velvet temptation
Such feelings equated resolutely
Love
Hate
The friction intimates
That spirits awaken indifferent






©JG Farmer 2018
Form: Rhopalic Verse

True Love

A blood red rose her petals meet
in delicate perfection
Closer in the centre, withstanding wind or storm
Prickles on her stem can never touch her heart
She is passion, she is nature’s work of art

The Roman goddess Venus held her sacred in the myth
From Cupid’s spill of nectar she was born
Do not underestimate this bloom from up above
She is harmony, desire, she is true love

JG 19/01/19

You made me believe I was impossible to love.
You made me believe I was small, worthless, undesirable.
You made me feel this way. Do you understand?

When I told you I was so afraid
Of being thought of not as a person but a problem-
You liked the word and took it from me.
You used it for me.
Do you understand? You told me I wasn't a person.
You told me that the sum of my worth was equal to a burden.

And you come to me with this sweet nostalgia-
thinking that's enough- thinking you're doing something at all.

Do you know how disgusting that is?
To offer me this, measly piece of candy in an attempt to bait me;
and without ever even addressing what you ******* did?

When the narcissistic therapist who manipulated and gaslighted me, became aggressive whenever I tried correcting her, told me that grouding exercises would be useless for me because my dissociation was already "too bad", made me dissociate more, USED my dissociation  to invalidate any argument I made to correct her or defend myself because how could I have an argument when I couldn't even remember the conversation, this woman who for five years manipulated me, kept me small and dependent, all to make sure I'd stay and keep depending on her--

Do you know
what it felt like, to hear you telling me you thought this woman was attractive, that she was "on your level"... Do you know what hearing that does? Do you know what hearing that does?

Do you know what it felt like, that day you went in and were so afraid of committing to my well being and signing some paper that I had to watch as you sat there uncomfortably, becoming visibly upset, as if coming once a week to check up on me alone in my house like a dog was too much responsibility for you.

And then you walked out of there like nothing happened, and you said, you said something like, "I won't make a joke because I know it's  serious" and you were all smiles, and decided to cross that boundary that was obviously there and cracked a joke anyway. As if you didn't just seriously hesitate agreeing to making sure I wouldn't starve. And it was the first time I noticed I was so hurt, I couldn't muster a smile myself, and I didn't know why.

You don't know. You will never know. You will never know how sick it felt to live in that place with you. How sick it felt to come back to it and then sleep there. How disgusting and triggering the smell of it was. It smelled like sickness.

You don't know how when I lived oceans away I couldn't turn on the fan in a heatwave because it was the same kind of fan we had. Because it sounded the same. It sounded like being there. And I smelled the smell and felt the sickness but it was too hot and I needed to swallow it all and force myself to get used to it.

You don't get it. I see it now.
I see that I wasn't the ******* abuser. You were.
You, who in that relationship held all the power.
You who took advantage of the fact that I wouldn't leave.
You with the car, and the social skills, and the friends.
The friends who said- about an AUTISTIC PERSON- that I wasn't capable of loving!-
and this was someone I had never even spoken to!
YOU who never defended me in front of these people because you LOVED the fact that they sided with you!
I wasn't the ******* problem! You were!

You think I'm an idiot? I know how you feel about me.
You love me the way little boys do. You're obsessed with me the way all the male therapists were. The way all boys in my life were. The way Hector's dad was.

(You see this light in me and you want to keep it, take it, stifle it, just utterly obsessed about it. You're all too ego-driven to know what the hell to do with it.
You think there's only softness to your love for me. But alongside that softness is a whole lot of unhealthy **** you aren't seeing.)

You came to my house and told me he was dead and you couldn't even hug me. I'm not even talking about the fact that this man did what he did to me, and what telling me he's dead would've made me feel-
You couldn't even admit to yourself, on our last goodbye, that your heart was big and you loved me because my existence, my having existed at all, was an important part of your life.

So you highfived me and I moved to america.

And now I'm here. And I'm seeing it all very clearly. And I don't hate you. But don't you dare think I'm ever going to accept scraps from you or anyone ever again. The offer you're making is insult enough.

You have a ways to go. Get a hold of yourself and face yourself. Let yourself grieve. You're just a person. You have feelings and like everyone else you need to process them. Give yourself the space to feel what you feel and then act on what's right. You cling to me like a little boy. You beg like one. It's not charming. What you're offering

isn't enough and I've grown too much to ever go back to being a person so in need of love that they'd let themselves be baited by such ****** offers.

I did it once when we were 17. You begged me over the phone and I knew, somehow I knew it would be the worst decision of my life.
And it lead to living with you.

The first day I moved in (reluctantly, because you asked me to,
because after some fight with your dad you told me to-)
that day marked the first day of experiencing a perpetual dissociation that has only grown worse over the years.

It has been seven years, Jonathan. I have been dissociating 24/7, and getting progressively worse, for seven years.



So this, this you still begging and longing- longing not even half of what I longed for while with you- is what you get.

Now it's your job to get over yourself. And I'm not helping you.

Your wife is dead

Black heart, brute male who lay his mistress on the still warm bed. No conscience, no shame, to Sylvia still wed
And She fragile, burning with pain, fingers numb with cold
Your wife is dead, his lover said

The snowing streets, the phone box calls
The no one there, the closing walls
And She fragile takes her life
Your wife is dead his lover said

Black heart, brute male who takes his mistress to his sweet wife’s bed unmade
And lets her tend the babes where Sylvia laid
Cook them food where earlier lay her head
Your wife is dead his lover said

JG 14/1/18

Remembering the long, lingering look that showed your delight in me
Surprising me - the strength of appreciation in your smiling eyes
Feeling bathed in the warmth of those pleasure pools
Appeasing the insecure little girl within
Catching your love in my mind’s eye
as I turned back.

24.11.18 JG