he's standing by his white pick-up
she sees him swaying there,
something was off, for example, his balance
she engages him, and invites him to our sidewalk
boy staggers to our side of the street
drunkenly, i asked him if he was trippin'
she reprimands me for pointing it out
she insists that we help him
he looks terrified, or feral
we tell him he's ok
he pulls her in, desperately
she holds him, possessively
bile from his belly escapes, stealthily, from his lips
it drips it drips it drips
onto her head
"It's ok it's ok it's ok"
she holds my joint to his mouth to settle his stomach
i don't want her to because i can see the gloss of bile still on his lips
he told us his name was Savannah
it wasn't
he staggered away from us
while he walks away, she finds another circumcised **** to latch on to
after a moment of:
drunkenly watching the flirtatious introduction begin
Savannah pulling open the car door
my brain pings
she's doing the thing with her eyes to the circumcised **** guy
*******
i run to him
"you forgot your jacket, and please don't drive"
i approach him like a stray dog, trying to earn his trust
he lets me hold his hand as i explain it's not safe
he tries to kiss me with his acidic mouth
has he ever done drugs before?
"no"
where are his friends?
"i donno i donno i donno i donno"
he cranks his key into the ignition in all the wrong ways
windshield wipers start going off, blinkers, headlights, the horn
i have the thought that maybe he thinks his car is a Bop-It
"walk with us, don't drive, ok?"
he steps out of the car
"ok"
i lean into the car, finagling his keys out of the ignition
his face changes
he grabs every follicle of hair inhabiting the back of my scalp and throws me into the middle of Haight Street yelling
"who the **** are you who the **** are you"
my body bag of bones smacks down on the pavement
i've never been assaulted by a stranger, only by people close to me
i want to hurt him before he could hurt me again
but he's strong, and more dangerously, paranoid
his fear magnifies mine  
there's no one around to stop him from doing more
she's there, doing the thing with her eyes, she doesn't see me
"i'm trying to help you, Savannah"
his eyes are black
his mind crowded
that chest heaves like a rabid dog
not quite a boy, not quite a man

when there is a raging white male
who sexually assaults you
who uses violence against you

RUN

i have the keys to my car, i can just go
i don't want him to hurt me again
i want to go, i want to go, but i can't leave her
i can't leave her
i scramble to my feet while Savannah watches me
he takes slow steps in my direction

she's on the curb, talking about nothing
they stand so close to each other
i tug her sleeve
"we have to go"
she's not hearing me
"please, let's go"
she waves me off like i used to do
to my younger sister

Savannah is staring at me and in that moment
i believe he could rip me apart at any second

i'm begging now
"if you love me, come with me THIS SECOND, please"
that line always works in the movies,
but life is not a movie
it catches her attention, but not in the way i want
she hunches and steps toward me,
"how dare you say i don't love you?"
"i'm scared, we need to go"
"do you know what i've done for you?"
circumcised **** guy leave
she's stepping towards me angrily,
Savannah steps towards me tentatively,
i'm tripping backwards
"that's not what i meant, please let's go"
my eyes are shifting between them
it's 2am in San Francisco
we're yelling, in front of a bar called Zem Zem
"he threw me into the street"
she's tripping on her own feet

when there's a raging alcoholic
who questions your loyalty
who can't see the bigger picture

DE-ESCALATE

"i'm sorry" / "i'm so grateful for everything you've done for me" / "i really need to go but i don't want to leave you behind because i love you"/ ego stroke / ego massage / ******* deep tissue

we woke up in my little sedan on a San Francisco hillside
my shoulder and ribs were a bit sore thanks to Savannah
my mouth tasted like the darkest parts of humanity
she said we were both in the wrong
"it was the alcohol"

i could have left her

I’m nobody’s child,
I’m nobody’s child
I’m like a flower just growing wild
No mommy’s kisses and
no daddy’s smiles
Nobody wants me,
Because I’m nobody’s child.

I can’t seem to understand
Why the folks all pass me by
‘Cause I know it’s true that
I will die and go far away in the sky.

A place I want to leave behind,
but always blaring in my mind.
I cannot run and cannot hide.
from the darkness that lies inside.
the answers I seek to find.
questions I donno of which kind.

My body so cold and eyes are dry.
No mother’s arms to hold me when I cry.
Sometimes it gets so lonely here.
I wish I could die and go there.
And I don't wanna see those face
That I don't care!

Because I’m nobody’s child,
I’m nobody’s child.
I’m like a flower just growing wild.
No mommy’s kisses and
No daddy’s smiles,
Nobody wants me,
And I’m nobody’s child.

New life..
New begining...
Ready to fly.,
No suffering...
New life..
New begining...
*Whateva's done.,
whateva' coming..
you donno.,
then why u crying..
live in today.,
coz u got the day..
forget the pain.,
& hav enjoy... . . . .
Coz its a...
New life..
New begining...

Comes quite quickly end denies
     No longer able fantasize
What a fool prioritize
     To feed myself such wicked lies
Overwhelms in tortured cries
     The only love ive known still dies
What a fool, you, I despise
     Feebly I demonize
Oh god agree **** compromise
     Take me instead this ****** surprise
So ******* wrong, internalize
     To walk your shoes arent my size
Someday dunno when realiez
     The good, the bad, and always dies

We all born will live to die
     Be so torn, we'll give our lies
Free to mourn all ****** goodbyes
     Agree adorned with compromise

I'm still here
Do they hear?
By all means what I held dear
Forest falling, no one near
I donno quite how I appear
All I know is we're

Alive
I'm still here
Revive
        good cheer
To thrive
       my dear
The drive
       to steer
Alive we hear

Alive we're here

In life, there are so many instances where we see some of the most amazing scenes but regret of not having an SLR camera with us to capture 'em. I have so many such beautiful pics captured in my brain and just wanna put them out here!! ;)
It was a beautiful sunny day in spite of being rainy season…I got ready to office in a very typical hurry – burry leisure and came out to bus stop. I have one good habit of not getting i-rated even if the bus does not show up for half an hour or so. That’s mainly coz I start observing every minute thing during the wait : P Like the way people walk, the patterns on morning sky, various fonts used on shop names, people’s expressions in vehicles…what not :D .
Amidst these inspections, one view caught my sight in delight. I saw a middle aged lady in her dusty clothes. She looked pale and thin with curly hair that looked not so neat. She was sweeping the shoulders raising a lot of sand. While all was nothing so special, came a little girl running from where I donno!!.The lady looked at her keeping aside her broom and took over her on her shoulders.
        As I moved my eyes a little to the right, I saw a dirt cart which is usually kept to throw the garbage. Here follows the most astonishing scene. To my disbelief, the lady placed the kid in it. She continued sweeping. From the background of many huge trees, the sun rays escaped out and lightened up the whole natural setting that was created. Now all I saw was laughter on the little angel not bothered about anything in the world but the dust that was rising. She clapped and clapped her hands while it looked like the sun rays also joined their hands to make an unheard tune. So unintentionally and innocently, did her movements create various stunning patterns of dirt that created a foggy look.
This was the moment I wanted to click it J

How to expect a day without you.
Even if the memories between us are very few.

I used to go again and again through our conversation.
They all undergo into my heart for preservation.

I donno whether you think of me or not.
But not forgetting you even for a second is the fact.

There are no units to measure my love treasure.
Having u in my life is all time pleasure

I interrogate art,
It's just my nature
And you are art,
So inhale deeply on those cigarettes that you love so much because I always quietly imagine what it must be like to be nestled so tenderly between your full lips.
Inhale my love,
because I love how calm you become when you strike a match against the Lions match box as if this is the 80's and you're
Kurt Cobain because I know his songs don't quite capture the angst that rests just below the surface of your grin.
And God when you grin it's like watching a ******* make love to a client,
It's like breaking all my own rules
I feel like I'm watching something I shouldn't but I can't walk away because I am the client and when you look at me like that it's like I'm set ablaze.
And I haven't even described your touch
and in all honesty I can't
because who would be bold enough to claim that they have wrapped their hands firmly around the wind.
How could I begin to describe the way it feels when you touch me because something about your presence alone
is intimate even if we're standing next to each other in a packed room.
Your touch is like a scalpel against treated flesh, precise, intense, purposeful but most importantly healing.
You hurt
almost with the intent of healing
because how else do I describe the fact that I am a woven tapestry and with one tug of my thread you have me unravelled.
I still haven't figured it out,
when it was that you figured out how I worked.
Perhaps it was in the moments where I was so engrossed in studying your every action you realized that you had created your own personal anthropologist but that implies that I had the upper hand
and we both know that isn't the case.

You are my muse and even your lipstain left on an empty glass of lager is enough to keep me occupied.

You are my muse and every emotional outbreak fuels my desire to document all your actions even faster, like a deranged professor I detail your actions trying to calculate when exactly it is that I became engrossed within the art work that is you.

You are my muse and every utter of your lips is like you wrapping your hand around mine and running the pen along the page.

You are my muse and I enjoy watching you smoke because I always wonder if I'll savour the taste of your lips the way you do those cigarettes. Somehow I'm sure I will.
It's an addiction really, to the way you occupy space,
like a curator in a gallery with one artwork alone -
I am completely absorbed.
I feel like an artist charged with restoration of something magnificent except I donno where the restoration is taking place, within You or I.

You are my muse and God I wonder why no one warned me that art speaks back.

Staying up, talking on my bed,
Speaking gently, patting your head,
Comfort you, it is all alright,
I'm with you now, here tonight,

Come here, come closer,
My arms enclose her,
Put your head on chest,
I've got you, you can rest,

All else block out,
Squeeze your eyes shut,
To me you can run,
Cuz' you know what,
Always we are  One

Out in the world, pulled appart,
We are bound together, at the heart,
I cannot help, my need for you,
When you leave, I donno what to do,

You are my fix, I can't go without,
A sea of question, swirling about,
But my anchor is set, In your love,
It showers down, on us from above,

All else block out,
Squeeze your eyes shut,
To me you can run,
Cuz' you know what,
Always we are  One

Darling this is the end, of our lives,
Our names were written, in loves archives,
Our times have shown, brighter than fire,
That true connections, never tire,

Ee'n through a blackened veil, in death,
I need you to see, the size of my soul,
I need you to feel, the heat of my breath,
I need you to call out, and make me whole,

All else block out,
Squeeze your eyes shut,
To me you can run,
Cuz' you know what,
Always we are  **One

10/31/2017

Why did I say that thing just now
And how do i manage to sound so proud around the people i want to impress
Im sure they can tell im just a little too loud
I talk a little too fast
Is it anxiety or mania that makes me act like that?
And why wont he respond?
Wait, which he am i on?
My hope for a lover shot down on the daily
But still i manage to feel ok when im not focused on waiting
Entertaining myself in other ways
Playing with words
Word salad, tossed in a ballad, tossed salad
Oops, did i say that?
Donno what im playing at
Dont mind me
Im finding it hard to wind down
If i run, my problems wont find me
Staring at the sun prolly wont blind me
If i pretend to be fine now
Will my demons remind me?
I just wanna share my poetry with someone that thinks like me
Whos likeminded, inspired, desires to climb higher
If knowledge is fire
Then my mind is a lighter
But my soul keeps tripping over her own shadow 
Boxing with my demons in the shallows
Maybe today I let them win
On the Eve of All Hallows, the winner is sin

Babe
I love you too much I donno even ;
but I don’t think I’ll stop loving you any sooner ..don’t ever leave me please..
this is the first time I’ve ever requested someone I swear.