Million Star Hotel
That's where the man stay
Huddled up in a shop doorway

The traffic a lullaby
Room service from passes by
Million Star Hotel
Where a Million people stay

"What makes me laugh",he'd say
"Is that I think I smell"
"What makes me sad",then he'd say
"Is my loneliness.."

God has put survival in the air
I wake up with people urinating
Aiming for my ear
My face is cursed with an evil look
That my heart does not possess
But it's not that which makes me sad
What makes me sad is my...loneliness

My loneliness can fill evrey suitcase ever made
Fill evrey shoe that's ever been worn
It can crack a mountain
I've seen it outshine the stars at night
And I've seen it cast its shadow over the sun at dawn

Voluntarily...or...inevitably perhaps...
I some how engineered my social collaps
And so I checked in to the Million Star Hotel
Where I found my peace in the Epicenter of hell...

This is a subcultural song

Free energy efficient enthusiasts
Replaced the iroquois punk style
Alternatives, noisy *******; ear
Damaging drum bass boxes in da
Clubs. Ravishing rave parties in
Mini skirts, glam glossy brass on
Ecstatic strobe-light synthesis - a
Synthetic mainstream paradise
Submerged to hypnotic sucklings
On the colourful plastic pacifiers
A gummy retreat before waterless
Collaps. A dehidrated dream that
Tried to shut the world off by the
Tendrils of regression resemblance.
Adult babies aboard going back to
The false long forgotten innocence.

There is no subculture in being above
The depth. Superficiality seems a posh
Pose and a good hiding reason for socially
Awkward childish rebels without material
Issues. The sore tissue of contemporary art
Is people don't believe in subjective objective
Selves anymore. What authorities put on the
Shelves there - it has to be good-when on the
Real deal discount. You think im not of such
Kind. Sheepishly blindfolded herd lives some-
where else. I pity them. Mock the socially meek,
Unajust, fat, poor or a greek profile. It has to be
A button hot child candy nose to **** her or to
Call a beauty per se. Per american dream team.

***** are hot untill they have pneumatics, man
Are man if they whirl the banknotes under bank
Accounts. ******* act like man in disguise greedy
For more. I inhabitated all this inherently ugly
Preachy words instead of puking into a labdab
Lavatory and cleanse myself from repulsively
****** cultural intermittent artifacts. And how
Can i not subdue to its overwhelming pressure.
I'm just an indigo child of flower children. Don't
Throw me the bones fueled with the black golden
Marrow. I'm a new alternative peasant, growing
Carrots and celery at bio degradable villages. . .
Its not a contra cultural venture if your socks
Are made out of industrial cannabis, and yet
There's no need to. Think. Love. Play music.
Listen. Breathe. Live life as if yours favourite
subcultural song is repetedly on...going along

every fight
every intention
collaps
inevitably you
as flush in my mind
no relief from you
not the evening
my free thoughts
to wander in the dark
run to you
not the night
in flights of my unconscious
I drown in your arms
not the morning light
my eyes closed
my heart awake
every single weak heartbeat
is consumed in you
inescapably you
tangled
to me
your thick scent
gelatinous shell of every atom of me
obsession
passion
pain
persistent hum
every fight
every intention
drown
surely you
sweet poison
poignant languor
eager anticipation
of an instant
of authentic
essential
abandonment

Take in what you can
And I take in nothing
Steal from me my soul
What your tongue can't
Lashing in the gaps
Olympus high of pain
Nothing sewn nothing saved
Sweat touches as sour scam
Convince me the distance
A stream of connection
No desert is this dry
No winter is this cold
I am not afraid still
To carry in patience
Because no one else can
Give you the eternal hold
When you speak lightning
Beating my every inspiration
Down my head falls
You build every so often
A wall you make of steal
Around my strength
Above my garden
Nailing me in a coffin
Like cancer you spread
All your poison
In my palms
On a cross I wither
Dowsing the top of my head
Stinging the cuts from glass
And my heart seeps
While yours I work to gather
Tomorrow will heal again
Yet tomorrow I will weep
I need to spare some time
Before I collaps without recovery.
© S.T. Rebel of Eden

Maybe we are doing it wrong
every time we start talking
you ask me how i am
and i have to face that impossible choice
lie, and make you happy?
or use honesty to tell you how ****** up i am

'how are you?'
'well, i'm good.
I still cry myself to sleep but at least
i haven't be tempted to cut myself today.
I'm doing fine.
It's just the case my heart feels so heavy i fear my body may collaps.
And then an awkward smile, and us trying to get back to normal conversation.

Next time, we meet,
don't ask me.
Let me ask you instead.
'How am i?'
and you just tell me what you said today:
'you're okay.'
Because in a way, i am.
And if you repeat it to me every day,
i will start to believe that.

Eyes wide open,
Mouth sealed shut,
Choking on my own tongue,
Suffocated by words unspoken.
Broken by words uttered,
Utterly misunderstood.

Collaps,
No strength left.
Authenticity unwanted.
Cutting off every rough edge.
I don't want to fit in your box.

Small.
I am not small.
I will stand tall,
larger than life.

I found the Valentine you gave me in 2015,
Just a month before you "CONTRACTED THE 'MAN-MADE' AIR BORNE VIRUS (That everyone is exposed to but, that effects everyone differently )
In your case it effected your immune system to attack your own heart."
By the time we go to the Emergency Room they said that the damage done could not be repaired  and your heart was only functioning 10% of what a normal 44 year old. They told us without a heart transplant you were going to die. Then they told us that in order to qualify  for a heart transplant you would have had to be at least  20%or better.  
When the transplant team came in to see you and let you know that they were nolonger going to be a part of your  care...You wouldnt be needing their services. You were all smiles and shook every ones hand. T he phone rang and  you told your boss that " Yeah...the transplant team just left...they said that I dont need them after all... let everybody know and tell them all thanks for the prayers  and well wishes...as soon as they get me out of  ICU they will be allowed to vist."  You said you didnt know yet when but you'd call as soon as you found out.
You accepted the congradulations your boss made an announcement to your co workers and everybody cheered . "Right On!" Somebody yelled Clapping and whistling" Way to GO!!" We Love you Dave!"GetWell" ...
Love You Guys Ill See You Soon!"

I watched  from my chair by the window.  You with tubes and wires and hoses  hooked up to monitors  beeping and Machines a huge thing cslled a plasma blaster was trying to eliminate every single white blood cell to stop your immune systems attack... it was now after your liver and your kidneys. They were also using chemo . They were doing everything  they  could..
The heart surgeon was standing out side the room trying to get my attention when I caught him waving out the corner of my eye. I nodded to the doctor and raised my index finger  and tilted my head  in your direction.  
  A s I walked over to you  I had tunnel vision  I dont know how my legs were  making strides so that each foot  could rise and  fall  and create a step . All I could see was you with dark circles under both eyes, and sweat beaded  up on your brow and upper lip . A huge smile  the first time you smiled the whole time  wed been there.
 " Honey dial Art's number on speaker phone... I gotta  tell Art."
I dialed the number  and kissed your cheek and said Id be right back I needed to go have a drag off a smoke.
"OKAY ,YEAH ,YEAH GO AHEAD."
It wasn't forty minutes ago that you looked at me  in desparation and fear.
"PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME. PLEASE! Please just stay right here.. hold my hand  and dont let go..
I Promised, "It's  okay " I said, " I will not let you out of my sight. "
I turned to face the door ,still wondering how  my body was managing to function..All I really want3d to do was collaps...curl upand wrap my arms around my legs as tight as I could.
" Please God, Not again.WHY.?? HOW COULD YOU BE SO ******* CRUEL.? What is it that I need to learn for you to stop  hurting me like this??  NO...I GET IT NOW... it's not God at all....but Satan who is doing this...but then where is God??Hello??!! EXCUSE ME.?!!, I could use  a little help here...DO YA MIND.??? YA think maybe just this once,..  oh man....I have lost my mind completely
..this is an hallucination... BAD TRIP,!...... I had already tried  to convince myself that this was all just a crazy dream. Slapping water ******* my face! "COMMON...WAKE THE **** UP"
I Barely noticed the tears had begun to stream down my face. I heard "Hey Bud  Whats  going on we are just pulling into the parking garage,,whats happening now?,?!?!
I wondered what awful news the Dr .  had this time. This ******* was the one who came in to say , Even if we did everything exactly right  we were probly looking at 3 weeks tops  before  it would be  over. " I jumped up off the side of the bed where I was standing guard  and asking what medicine they were giving him ,what was it for, what  could go wrong if he took it what would happ en  if  he didnt.  What their name was, Nurse or doctor?  I had been writing everything down.

.I   startled him too, "ALRIGHT THATS IT,!" I marched to the door hung on to the handle with  one hand and pointed to the hallway with with the other "GET THE **** OUT!!" Who the **** do you think you are? Who the hell does he think he is I said to the nurse as she quickly  darted out into the hallway to the nurses station where all the nurse stood  with shocked looks ontheir faces. "DO YOU HAVE AN OUNCE OF COMPASSION  IN THAT  PEWNIE,LITTLE MAN,SMUG, SO FULL OF YOUR SELF THAT YOU CANT TREAT PEOPLE WITH A LITTLE DIGNITY....NO RESPECT FOR ANYBODY BUT THE GUY WHOSE CALLING THE SHOTS RIGHT.!? DAVE,?
.! Thats it we got to get you the hell out of here these people are ******* sociopaths!!"
  He looked as though they drew straws  to have to come again and he had lost.As long as they didnt stop  you from this tiny bit of hope, you were having ....I could  faintly hear you telling your best friend your great news.... I could hear the confusion in his voice as he questioned you. "What?!?! WAIT..NOW...WHAT DID THEY SAY ...EXACTLY...,!!"  You did say verbatim exactly what they said..To your boss too.
The Doctor had a picture of a human heart  and he is telling me that they  have had success with a mediicine called milrinone ....to help the heart  pump  strong enough  but that it can only be used for a short time and in order to give it a try they  would have to insert a catheter directly into  the small amount of his heart that isnt just dead tissue.."DEAD TISSUE.?? Its just dead??If its dead does that mean its going to rot in there?? Like gain green or something .  Youd going to take him and cut his heart out arent you?!?! Dead Tissue! " I said, Thats *******!! I have never in my life heard EVER of any of this ****!!!"
  " This is up to Dave, You talk...I will translate ...If he doesnr want to do it then we are going to get REAL second opinion!! "
   You were so happy younwerent going to have to have a heart transplanr that you agreed  to the milrinone. . You started feeling pretty good right away.. .They said you could b2 on thw mil3inone 6mo. Then they would wean you off and that would be it.

I'm a wannabe nerd,
trying not to be heard.
So no one notices
That I know less - than i ought to.

So I pretend;
Stare at my nonsense scribblin', waiting for logic to kick in.
And I pretend.
I prentend to understand stuff I can't comprehend.
Cos if I don't...what am I?

I'm just a stupid little fellow in a stupid little world full of stupid little people who're just afraid of getting hurt.

So we pretend. We pretend to understand things no ones able to comprehend.

I'm stuck in shame;
But who's to blame for this basic human behaviour?
What I need is a saviour. 
Who'd hear the silent voice in my head shout and help me get out.
Out of this mess and this giant hole of emptiness.

Or in the end I'm gonna die;
With the lie still on my lips.
"Yeah I know this, didn't do that"
But as a matter of fact I fact checked my reality when it started to collaps.
Caught a glimpse of what should be - what really is.
- could I show the real me?

But here I am;
Staring straight onto the paper, my view blank.
Cause what is left if I don't understand? If I can't even comprehend - this is the end.
All thats left for me is trying to pretend.
Always hiding, always hoping - for a friend.
Someone to help and guide me through 'til I repent.
And cry out: no more pretending.
'Cause YOU filled my understanding.
YOU're turning chaos into order.
YOU're love - not stopped by any border.
So no more faking, growing still.
'Cause I can't but YOU will.