i've always had a hard time loving myself
i guess it started with the way adults used to tease me about my chubbiness
and how sensitive i was as a child

after all, i've always had traits i never liked
chubby arms and thighs, a button nose
a mole on my right cheek, a sensitive heart
a wishy washy soul
i can't even draw

then one day,
i thought about how my skin healed after i burnt it really bad from hot water
and how my body kept me warm in the Tokyo breeze late at night in the spring weather
and how i've used these very hands writing this to wipe all my tears

and how my heart, in all its fragility
still fights on and loves
despite all the pains i've felt

and so i realized:
*if this very body of mine can love my soul
and fight to keep me alive and alright,
then it is only right that i love it and accept it

"I am in love with you.

it's strange to say such a thing without hesitation, but it's also brings a feeling that's indescribable. There's always been the thing where he ignored me when he was with other people, or when he took books from libraries and never returned them. But you, there is absolutely nothing that is not pure perfection and it terrifies me. There's nothing I'm more afraid of than you. you are the glue that holds me together and your arms is the place I call "home", but you are what I fear most. bizarre isn't it? it is so extremely terrifying because as much as every atom and part and vessel in your body is perfect, and though all I do is work on myself and work myself to go a little faster, move a little longer and push a little harder I won't ever have even one flawless feature. my freckles look like little spots of dirt while the slightly darker spots on your skin look like gorgeous constellations in a night sky full of stars, and my face has always been accompanied by a tad of chubbiness but somehow, You have a perfectly sculpted face complimented by your porcelain skin. I'm terrified because I won't ever be the flawless thing
you think
I am."

fluorescent light illuminates
makeup brushes and foundation
concealer and contour
she sits in front of the mirror,
diligently applying
a youtube tutorial playing in the background
her small hands shake
her cheeks have not yet lost their baby fat
she hates her chubbiness
in her youth, she envies the skinny
the pretty, the ones with the cool moms
who let them do whatever they want
thin faces and thick layers of wavy hair
arched eyebrows and immaculate eyeliner
she wants to be like an instagram model
with a hundred-watt smile and tan skin
she wants to be a perfect person
she pats on the blush
she eats less
she becomes a shadow of a person
she loses it all to be fake
isn't that a little too much
for a girl to handle?
not yet an adult
almost a teenager
they grow up too fast
to reach what they think is perfection
to attain the life they see in movies
in snapchat stories and romcom tv shows
"beauty is pain" but
they take it too far.

Hazel brown eyes,
Curly hair falling onto your face,
Your sun kissed face, gleaming a golden brown,
you're not smiling much, but oh, does it melt my heart,

You said you'd started gaining weight when this picture was taken.
Oh darling, how adorable you look:,)
I'd like to show the picture to the whole world and tell them all, this sweet sunshine of a boy is mine
You seem so much lighter in the picture

The light coming from you was just so bright
You're laughing aren't you? :)
The slight chubbiness, the glow on ur face,
Your pine tree hazel eyes, the soft jet dark curls, oh honey :)

I don't think anyone has been kissed by the sun so lovingly, Surely he has his favorite :)
The suns favorite boy :) My favorite boy

and type this
windows show the rocks and the leaves, bare trees
I hope you approve of what I put out

as I am in this formal living room of biographies
and mysteries, romance and poetry, tables and chairs, people
reading the newspaper

on laptops put down on the table tops and the greasy
haired boy, whose chubbiness isn't as cute as his youth shelves
the things that've been used and need

to be put back in order, and
where is my place in all of this? Giving you something to do
this rainy afternoon