Progress

4:26 am. Got out of bed.

Feeling really low again. Envy at my sister's good fortune and new friends. She is getting ahead, she is in a good place- but we are not and I am definitely not. Everything in her life presently makes her happy except me. She never trusted me because I dated G. Now I don't trust her either. I don't want anything from her. I finished the story. She didn't edit. She hasn't offered me anything from her end. "Jotted down some notes" is all she said. She did that in college with all her professors, and got As. It isn't fair. See, she does things whenever she feels like it and IF. And she doesn't trust me? I stopped asking her to do anything. If she wants to she can. I did my part.

I don't know where my life is taking me. I am working ******* little ropes that come at my direction-- but I am not even sure if they are worthwhile endeavors and if they will turn into anything. I just know I have nothing else.

I consider contacting my ex, F. Why him? He's the only one messed up like me. L is married with a beautiful baby and that woman he left me for, G is probably already married by now to that other stunning girl. But F will always be alone.

He doesn't want me. Why should I contact him? I had told myself I won't contact him until I at least got a full time job. He's an Ivy League P.H.D scientist at Penn researching the brain, traveling, making intelligent beautiful friends, and doing triathlons successfully (of course the smart ones are successful at many things). However, he still has trouble finding the "one". He's ******* 37. No one is ever good enough for him. I wasn't good enough for him. *******. He's broken like me. No, he ignored me. I won't contact him. ******* can contact me if he wants to.

I realized I have no friends. None at all. I used to think I had so many friends. Mostly men that just follow me around for a while and then leave me when they realize they aint getting this *****.

There's K, but he's J's ex's friend- so our friendship is limited. There's my sis S, who I meet once every other month, but she doesn't always respond to messages (and I rarely text her anyway). There's Je- she and I meet twice a year and we don't really connect anyway. She has other best friends and I am not really in that circle.

Cas- she is academically successful(valedictorian) and has a job, but frankly she is a bit slow. Can't explain it. Plus she bailed at me about the apartment thing and strangely she doesn't like me to meet her other friends in intimate settings, she just likes meeting people one by one. Like she's met my friends and got some of their numbers, but for some reason has never provided me an opportunity to meet hers. Maybe she feels awkward introducing me since she and I met online? Since she's not philosophical or an intellectual, I don't understand the point of meeting more than once a month if it's just me and her. I like her, but she always seems high without actually being high. I feel like I have to go out of the to meet her, but she doesn't have any energy at all.

Ro- the verbally abusive drunk? Let's face it. It's a mutually beneficial- two lonely people who have no friendship compatibility uplift each other relationship- but he's actually of the the more interesting to talk to people . Then there is Chr who just flirts all the time and fights. I swear his ex wife drilled some holes into his brain. He's just rude. He acts nice, but he's ******* nuts inside. Then there are those occasional people that text you Happy New Year. When I was in a relationship, I was so consumed by it that not having friends didn't matter. I have no friends. I am completely alone. Always have been. In law school, in elementary school, in middle school- I was always the only one who sat alone.

I like sad music. I just listened to the Hollywood version of Les Miserables- one of my favorite all time literary pieces and the beautiful Selena Gomez' new single Heart Wants What it Wants. I love to hear singing melodically, softly, simply of their pain. Every single singer in that musical has a painful story. The innkeepers in their desperation, Javert, of course Fantine, Jean Valjean, and the most relatable Eponine. And the sound of the violin. And the harp.

5:13 am. Let's talk progress.

Today I finally had the trial tutoring session. It was Algebra 2. The girl who is my tutee, she is sweet and extremely hard working. As and Bs in Algebra 2 weren't enough for her. I prepared extensively. My own Algebra 2 teacher was terrible in high school. He flirted with the pretty girls and bragged about himself. I got As for nothing. We spent most of the semesters on the same one or two chapters. I've always wanted to good at everything, to redo and master everything. Maybe this is my chance to become good at everything I **** at.

I am teaching myself before I teach her. I am supposed to be proficient. I had to begin on a surface level pace today. She and her mother both seemed happy. I touched on all her first semester topics. Next week is the second trial session. I will learn more and teach her in depth. If all goes well, she will end up being my client and I will be assigned more tutees. If only I could make a full time job out of this- I totally would. Each session pays well. Of course, the first two sessions I give are complimentary. After that.

This is a gamble. If I don't get enough clients- I will still have to manage the ones I have, invest a lot of time into studying for assignments, and then still make enough money to qualify as full time- then I will be scrambling. I can't imagine possibly getting between 6-8 hours of tutoring every day, since most people get out of work after 5pm and I have to travel around for sessions. I hope it's possible. I would work very hard.

My plan is to ace this Algebra 2 tutee preparation. I have a week to make myself more of an expert.

I have to go to more networking events. Sign up for Asian Film Festival & World Affairs. Meet people. Get connected. Make friends.

Keep reading current events, legal issues, technological advancements, and foreign news.

Re-reading my previously written Step 1- Embodying Positively helped me by reminding me to trudge forward and remain strong and positive, for both my own sake and the sake of the people in the world.

6:02 am.

I am going to do a second 5k this December. My first one ever was last month. Second one in December will be progress. I've got to start practicing again.

I gave up sugar instead of meat for Advent. I felt it was much harder, but more rewarding. Today is my third day of the no sweets diet. I did have sweet iced tea and a pretzel with sweet cream cheese, but I will stop those too. I might allow myself to have just one iced tea a week- moderation is more effective than going cold turkey and messing up. This is a huge accomplishment as I am a sugar addict. I look pretty fit, except a little tummy that goes up and down and only noticed by closest family members and friends.

I need to be fit for my health, to be the best I can be, to be fit, for a future potential job in the FBI or PO.  I only get up once a night to *** now. Some nights I used to *** 6 times a day. Is that an indicator of future diabetes or what? Consuming a lot of sugar can lead to a lot of internal diseases including infertility and cancer. If I can give up sugar for one month, I may try to keep doing it. Wow.

6:27 am. Go to sleep, T. Good night moon. Good night stars. Good night Mercury. Good night everyone.

.........

12/16/2014

Went to an Asian Law Society event last week. Made a couple friends, excited to be a member and get involved. Also met a guy, hope he's Catholic so my parents will accept the relationship if I decide to go out with him. He's emotional, Korean American, and verbal- a Gemini. Interesting but probably just as crazy as me. I am looking forward to getting to know him.

Just finished my weekly career discussion group, this is my second week in attendance. I was about to give up on the group, but John one of the members, who is a runner (and I think out of work firefighter), reached out to help me by emailing my resume around to different people he knows. He's the reason I decided to keep coming until I find a job. We shall see what happens. I have a tendency to jump around to things and not see them to fruition, but I am working on developing strong skills.

Today, I am feeling grateful. I live in a generation in which globalization is both a positive and negative thing. However, today I feel positive despite all the problems. There are so many opportunities, and I just have to figure out to unlock the how.

jesus i hate
          christmas readings --

low intonings,
bursts of song,
prayers -- so many
       ******* prayers ...

all in name of th'
                          "wonder & mystery"
of christmas,
                         the birth of
                     quote-on-quote
                               holy babe.
                                                  nativity story spoken
       as
true   granite   fact
                                ,
heads all nodding..

Caesar Augustus, yes,
the census -- oh good!
                   ... some lady doing a
Mary monologue ...
                                   my own father playing Joseph!
          father!
(lumbering Boris Karloff father of Christ)

-- grandmother!!
quit jabbing my shoulder
                 as i        
put pen
to page!
              these hands
              are not
              the hands
of a devotion blinded
         christian!
(blasphemous thoughts do i write!) (poems on *******)

here is
a woman in white!
                                (angel?)
very performance art
with that lighting
                              but
i'm not convinced ...

.  
                
    /
advent candles on
the altar ......
when the last is lit will a
heavn'ly chorus
                            ring out?,
blue flame batonning round
the sanctuary? orderly little halos.

-- grandmother get your
uplifted hands out of my face!

am i doing my part by
                                        holding this candle
        & singing hymns? ...

       (my arm is being twisted) (i call this penance/comes once a year)

                                                            where is my eggnog & ***??
a friend / hiding behind some poinsettias (****** good idea)
supplies a fitting finish. garnish for my thoughts:

           "man ...
i want
            some
christmas h
                    anky-
    panky. "

(then:)

*"****.                            that
            doesn'
                        t
fit under a
                   tree..."

Before-
“Run! Come on their gonna catch us!”
We really messed up this time.
Whose idea was it to smash
the mailboxes? Deface the school
parking lot? Jesus Ch-
“Is that mom’s car?”
JESUS CHR-
“Nevermind.”

After-
“Three for seventy or five for seventy-five. Best deal in town.”
We really messed up this time.
Who forgot the lighter and
and cash? Where’s the hell
are the papers? What the f-
“Are these sugar?”
WHAT THE FU-
“Nevermind.”

Before-
“Shut up! He’s gonna see us!”
We really messed up this time.
Who thought throwing popcorn
at the cute movie theater boy
was a good idea” Oh sh-
“He’s looking over here!”
OH ****-
“Nevermind.”

After-
“***** tastes better straight.”
We really messed up this time.
Who bought Smirnoff? We
wanted UV. Where are the
shot glasses? Son of a-
“I think this stuff is expired…”
SON OF A B-
“Nevermind.”

Before-
“We had a test?!”
I really messed up this time.
When did we even take notes?
I don't remember the what
we even went over. God da-
“Yeah, he said its worth 20% of our grade.”
GOD DAM-
“Nevermind.”

After-
“What is going on?!”
We really messed up this time.
The room smells like substance.
Curtains closed- eyes closed.
Broken orange bottles- Bu-
“He took too many!”
Burn-
“He’s not waking up!”
Burno-
“Call someone!”
BURNOUT.



“Nevermind?”





Before-
“This is the best day of my life.”
We are okay this time.

hey i was wondering if you wanted to hang out this weekend? it's been such a long time since i last saw you and you know, i was thinking, maybe we could talk and stuff again, like we used to? so, i really hope that maybe you could step out to hang out, yeah? but if you can't now, it's totally fine by me! just tell me when you're free, 'kay?
- Sent, 9:35 PM, Tuesday, Aug. 5, 2014

yo you never answered my message! are you okay? are you sick? please, tell me if you can't come any time this month, i don't really mind! please, just talk to me?
- Sent, 12:48 AM, Wednesday, Aug. 27, 2014

did i make you mad?
- Sent, 5:40 AM, Saturday, Oct. 11, 2014

please talk to me
- Sent, 11:11 PM, Monday, Oct. 20, 2014

do you just hate me???? is that it???? at least tell me straight to my face!!!!
- Sent, 6:40 AM, Thursday, Dec. 11, 2014

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE FULL OF ****, YOU CAN'T EVEN BOTHER TO SEE THAT I'M TRYING HERE. I AM TRYING FOR YOU BECAUSE I CARE SO ******* MUCH ABOUT YOU. I WANT TO BE THERE FOR YOU BECAUSE I CARE SO ******* MUCH ABOUT YOU. BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA TREAT ME LIKE THIS, I DON'T THINK I DESERVE THIS!!!!!
- Sent, 9:13 PM, Friday, Dec. 26, 2014

YOU KNOW WHAT???? *******.
- Sent, 9:13 PM, Friday, Dec. 26, 2014

Y UOY  NE EVR  C A R WSD W HJEETHR OR ON T IW AS THEJRFE FOF ROYU ZND **** GO AE HED ADSN ENJYO YOURF CUKIGN  CHR RIST MAS VCNASITON ALOENE
- Sent, 1:45 AM, Saturday, Dec. 27, 2014

L NOER
- Sent, 1:56 AM, Saturday, Dec. 27, 2014

i just saw your mom at the grocery store a while ago. and what she said surprised and upset me a lot.
- Sent, 11:40 PM, Wednesday, Dec. 31, 2014

why didn't you talk to me?! you know i always said i was there for you... why didn't you talk to me about anything?! i would have stopped you!
- Sent, 11:47 PM, Wednesday, Dec. 31, 2014

i'm so sorry i'm so sorry im so sorry im so sorry im so rty ims oert im so sory ims or t r yim osrr y
- Sent, 11:55 PM, Wednesday, Dec. 31, 2014

i'm so sorry, i wasn't a better friend for you. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry. forgive me.
- Sent, 12:05 AM, Thursday, Jan. 01, 2015

hey
- Sent, 12:45 AM, Friday, Jan. 23, 2015

happy birthday*
- Sent, 12:45 AM, Friday, Jan. 23, 2015

All my problems can not revolve around my issues with J or Lucifer or G. They may make me sad sometimes, as I placed a lot of expectations within these people. However, they are their own people. They live for themselves, not for me. They have their own hopes (even Lucifer's biggest dream of having light skinned children), and who am I to judge or interfere?

No, I shall live for myself. During the weekends, I get so caught up in helping my little brother or mother that I don't take enough time to catch up on my ****. My little brother doesn't pay attention. He just talks and talks and requires a lot of attention just to keep him focused. He drains my energy at the end.

Why do I help people? Why don't I just run away? When I was little, only thing keeping me here was the occasional kind smiles my father gave me on the rare occasions he said hello to me at home.

Now, it is my youngest brother. If I go, he will not be successful, because they aren't good at looking after him.

2 weeks ago, J's friend D texted me about class and etcetera. I responded with an enthusiastic and funny response- something about cleaning with baking soda and vinegar. Eventually, he amicably manipulated me into re-visiting the notion of having a group dinner along with J.

I texted to let her know, and she ignored it for a week. I don't know what is wrong with her. Why doesn't she let it go, the fact that G liked me and not her? Who the heck cares that someone thinks I am prettier? That's subjective anyway.

What a strained friendship it is. When I tried to address it, she deflected by saying she was mad at something else. She said she didn't want to have dinner. When I told her I was in the same painting class as him, she coldly responded that it doesn't matter, she didn't ask, and she doesn't want to know. Obviously, she's outraged. She's thought about this so much, that she has started to hate me. It's her own insecurities. I can't blame myself. Maybe my critical behavior post graduation contributed to her hating me, I don't even remember what I may have said. I remember I had been extremely frustrated with her around that time, and I was terribly insecure. Is this going to be some vicious cycle?

12:15 am

Let's forget about J. Let's talk progress, if any.

I did meet with the State Rep a couple weeks back, and recently asked him for a recommendation letter. He agreed. I applied for one job as well. It is a job I want, but may not meet the average qualifications for. However, I would have made a strong candidate. The position is a counselor at CCP. As someone who has been through the college and graduate school process, and as someone who struggled-- I know how to approach these students. I also know how to help them. I really hope I get an opportunity for an interview at that college. It would be a great first job.

The citizenship interview was last week, and this week will be the oath ceremony.

I tried to apply for a few teaching positions, but they all required some level of certifications and a minimum 3.0 GPA which I don't have. You know what ***** is that I want a second chance. I messed up and did not get the 3.0- and I don't have money to get a teacher's certification. Yet, I know I can do these jobs better than many other teachers.

I did miss last week's career group, I think I had something else going on at the time, but I don't remember what.

I decided to start a professional blog about different topics that I am interested in. Ask my friend To to help, but I don't think he will be that committed. I have to study different professional blogs and see how detailed they are, and how they cite.

Maddison's mother texted me to tutor her daughter pre-midterms this week. I had to reschedule on my friend to another Friday. However, I am still not prepared to teach Maddison. Last week, she didn't contact me at all. And this week, I had planned on getting a lot of job applications done. Ugh.

I haven't accomplished a lot lately. After the issue with D & J dinner, I was anxious, and once the anxiousness left I became this extremely negative and sad ball. It consumed me. I decided not to let her ****** up brain affect me.

I don't think I can really be friends with Chr. Maybe he flirts with everyone, but it bugs me so ******* much. I had asked him to give me some space for a while.

To do his week: return shoes, make 12 copies of career tracking packet, call glasses place, call invisalign place, buy camera film, art supplies, and lip liner, register for race, write cover letters, and study for math.

The Americans are the children of the world
with “Why?”
Children, forgotten the tales.
Forgotten
Hans Chr Andersen and
„The Nightingale”.
How shall I explain to you, oh, emperors,
the tears,
the white roses,
the morn.
How?

Добро утро

Американците са децата на света
със „ Защо?”
Деца, забравили приказките.
Забравили
Ханс Кр.Андерсен и
„Славеят”.
Как да ви обясня,о, императори,
сълзите,
белите рози,
утрото.
Как?



Translator Bulgarian-English: Vessislava Savova
rarebird
© bogpan - all rights reserved

I’m gently reminded of an old lesson,
that takes me back to Sunday School;
something, we’ve seem to have forgotten,
is living by the Bible’s “golden rule”.

For walking in God’s, true Love
towards others is always fashionable.
Remember! He has promised us strength
to operate under His “Christian label”.

When abiding by the principles of His Word,
we are able to treat others properly.
Desiring to be our brother’s keeper,
should assist us to more easily see…

faith’s operation within our lives.
Actions demonstrate what we believe;
so do what is right, because of the…
Love that we, have already received.

A real consequence of doing good,
is that our souls naturally profit;
know that you’ve lived a Godly life,
by honoring the Law and His prophets.


Author Notes:

Loosely based on:
Matt 7:12; 1 Chr 16:11; Gen 4:9;
Psa 28:6-8; 1 John 4:15-19

Learn more about me and my poetry at:
http://www.squidoo.com/book-isbn-1419650513

By Joseph J. Breunig 3rd, © 2012, All rights reserved.

The Body is composed of many parts
and it needs your gifting of talents;
open up your spirit and heart…

to provide God with holy service.
Don’t waste your earthly talents
with hardness of heart or disservice.

Find your identity in Christ!
Feed on the fullness of His Word
and enjoy His eternal Life!

Become part of Heaven’s story,
by allowing yourself to be…
Used for His Glory.
.
.
.
Author Notes:

Loosely based on:
1 Cor 12:14; Chr 31:2; Col 1:13; Psa 139:13-16;
Jer 29:11; Eph 1:4-5, 2:10

Learn more about me and my poetry at:
http://www.amazon.com/Reaching-Towards-His-Unbounded-Glory/dp/1419650513/ref=sr11?s=books&ie;=UTF8&qid;=1388058560&sr;=1-1&keywords;=reaching+towards+his+unbounded+glory

By Joseph J. Breunig 3rd, © 2013, All rights reserved.

Blah

Why Do
We need a Day
To recognize Father's
Or Mothers?

Chr
Aren't Birthdays enough?

It's a stupid holiday
And no
I don't recognize it

F Father's Day

Dad, you're a decent guy

But **** Father's Day

You're the one
Who helped teach me
Not to expression emotion

So *******
On this day

Dear Chr✝s...
Vile
flip
flop
file
bittersweet!!!
guile
Kind regards
Cr✝ss...

VIctoria sandwich
Is my favourite cake
Bought from ch ch chr
In the park
It can be cut into three
And stored in the freezer


It lasts for days
And goes crispy
When dry
I love it.

Love Mary