What do I fear?
:Write it dani.
I always thought that failure is my greatest nemesis, a downfall that would turn my tummy upside down, would make my whole body shake, would make my heart broken into pieces and make my knees bent down to the floor unable to move, to run, to walk or to stand. But as I am getting older, I see things wider and have understood how fear of failure has become part of living, in any circumstances, any situation it's always there. That’s something no one can control, even how hard you were working, and thinking how life has been for me. I guess it's not the failure that's sneaking into my bed trying to live in my head space at night dominating my whole being, staying late thinking and crying until I fall asleep, because I am still here waking up each day standing, fighting and trying. So, It's 2am and I am asking myself what I fear... Is it being haunted by the past, regrets, being alone, left alone, taken for granted, unlikable, unloved, unappreciated. Is it not being what most people want me to be? Is it all about not meeting the standards of this socially constructed world? I sat in a chair writing and contemplating, what do someone like me fear?
There is this series I've recently watched titled After Life, so the focus of the whole story was about a man who recently lost his wife, and an old woman who more than a decade ago became a widow. This woman helped this man to cope up with life, how to surpass the loss, the pain, longing and all. The man is completely miserable, nearly ending his life. What I love about this is that it generally tackles the wisdom of life and the loss in death. It goes with the idea of, How hard life must be, it always goes on, and that death is not always about you ending the suffering. Taking your life is completely a waste, it may not be to you, but to the people who surround you and most importantly to the people you are yet to meet. So don’t give up, there’s always a greener side in the field. I cried so much in this film.
I am afraid to live, and not being true about it, afraid to live in vain and unable to discover myself. I am afraid not to enjoy living, afraid of not being kind and unable to help. I am afraid to see myself living behind the bars, it's making my whole body shake, and my tummy upside down. I fear to think that my living is naught, I fear not living my own purpose, fear to be six feet under and not being happy underneath. Then death, not mine cause I'm aware death is a part of life. We never really owned anything in the first place, we were just like an important particle in the cycle of life. But I fear death. I fear death in vain, death without trying to fight. I am a sympathetic person, I always put myself in the shoes of those who's suffering. I feel it, I mourn it. The underlying pain, cries and longing, I fear it. The pain and every bit of emotions that death could bring to my family, to my friends, to my other half and to me. Its regrets, unspoken messages, prayers, and by just thinking about it makes my heart broken into pieces and my knees bent down to the floor unable to move, to run, to walk or to stand.
And yet I realize how this fear is keeping our feet together, it somehow binds humanity, because when we find ourselves frightened, unconsciously we are focused thinking of something way out of it. We are afraid, but it's what keeps us moving and striving, to decide, be more of ourselves, be someone better each day, to survive living, to learn to appreciate small or big things and be grateful and thankful about it. Like a failure, fear is part of life, acknowledge it but don’t let it succumb you, make your way out of it, analize things between what you can and cannot control. I know it sounds so easy, but see for yourself. Imagine how far you’ve made out, you are doing so great, I am so proud of you, keep conquering.
I fear living and death. Uhh no, I fear living just to be dead.
