I refuse,
After all I have survived...
Including,
My own mind.
I refuse,
To be slain by a ******* liquid,
In a glass.
I am spitting in the face of death and screaming,
I refuse.

Blurry city streets seem to call your name
I forgot how to exist when I no longer love you

strain
As years weigh tightly on my spine
I creep through the monotonous state
no longer hungry
slurring speech
Towards the impending luxury
Where he keeps my arms pinned down
On the dying grass
People watching
The adrenaline never seems to last


Their eyes gaze in our direction
As I bite into his shoulder
As I squirm
Friday night’s celebrations
wrap tightly
I can taste the whiskey
But it doesn’t bubble inside me
It lures him towards the smoky bars
Where I cower above him


I ache
My anger bubbles in moments where
I’m screaming as the
Car window opens
As I drive away from the emergency room
Soap still slipping through my wet hair
Could I find meaning in this existence
Where you don’t reside alongside me
Whispering in my ear
I used to count on my subconscious
your voice of reason


Outgrowing the state of being
My veins exacerbate the tight
Need to fight
To stand up straighter
Hold it all together
I let him wrap his fingers where
He wants
I let them gasp
wake the neighborhood up
To sounds of me howling
Begging for
An escape where
They no longer ask from me
Where the pain no longer pools
Like the storm clouds
Above the dry valley
One strike of lightning
Suddenly it’s a fight for our lives



Hit me so I can take my mental state
Throw it into a definition
Look through the stars
the colors blend together in gaseous realities  

I can find the one strand where I used
moments of joy
the orange duvet, window open
Boiling tea kettles,



I used to just stand in the grass and not think about the
Ticks
The crawling underworld
Soil seeping through,
Induce me
I’ll sink past the dirt, the sand
And let go of your hand.

where once there were words, now there is nothing.