Does this make me strong or weak?
Have I got it backwards?
Isn’t it lonely to be so secretive?
Isn’t it lonely never being alone but no one knowing anything about you?
Who taught you that this is the way it was supposed to be?
Shouldn’t that have been a sign?
Where did the time go?
Can I step back from this?
Did I go to far?
Is this it?

You're something precious
That I've caught in my hand
But I'm scared to open in check
In case I find that I'm mistaken
and I will open my palms
and there will be nothing
You were never there to begin with
and I imagined it all

I've written this letter too many times
in my head on the back of napkins
Starbucks' receipts journal pages
I stopped addressing them
because who else would they be for?

They all start with I'm sorry
because I want you to know that I am
but they trail off into explanations
rationalizing what I did
to somehow be your fault
and instead of mine, as if
I was some damsel and you were some
mustache-twirling villain.

Once again, I'm sorry.

I was less and you more naive than I pretended.
I wasn't helpless I was selfish
I just want you to understand that it was never
your fault; it wasn't even mine.

We played our cards, but I've seen enough movies
to know that the house always wins.
I missed the opportunity to leave while I was ahead
so I got out before I could lose anymore
hoping you wouldn't notice.

I want answers
(do you know what happened?
could you tell how gone I was?
did you think it was you?
what would you have done?
what if?)
but I don't deserve them.

Good night, darling.

I'm sorry that I stopped saying
I love you.

Know that it was not because
I no longer meant it but instead because
I did.

Some say that I'm a liar but it's okay
they say words don't matter anyway
if I didn't mean to hurt you
then I am free to go
Any marks that I've left
will melt with the final snow
I know I promised to love you
till my dying day
But darling, I'm a liar,
And my words just hold no weight.

I can see you slipping away
but I can't bring myself to
do anything about it
They say if you love someone
Let them go
Well then, I guess
We loved each other too much.

I'm sorry dear
but I must confess
that I haven't been
at all the best
at keeping up my end.
I've pulled away
In a such a cowardly way
And I really am apologetic
However, I'd be lying
if I told you that I regret it.
I'm just not the person
You wish I was
Though I've managed
to convincingly fake it
The keyboard lets me
lie with ease
with each "I love you"
"Thank you" and "Please"
Although the former
I've been saying
less and less
because once again
I must confess
the feelings
that I once adored
but eventually
began to abhor
and successfully managed
to ignore
have simply left
and are no more.

how lucky I was
that so many best friends
happened to be
at my primary school

how fortunate that
his soulmate
walked into his
now-closed video rental store

how curious it is
that your maid of honor
was randomly assigned
as your college roommate

how strange it is
that so much of our lives
is simply dependent
on proximity