I sit doing my calculus homework
The homework that I should have done yesterday
The numbers swim in front of me
Until they spell out your name
I take your derivative
To find the critical points
And realize that our entire
Not-quite-friendship
Has a downward *****.
I still ride that curve down
Pretend I am falling in love
Instead of falling deeper and deeper
Instead of what is really just
Begrudging tolerance.
My homework remains undone.

I'm tired of tricking myself into thinking
that what I'm doing will result in anything other than
crushing defeat shattering disappointment failure
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, three times, every time
Perhaps I should consider a different approach a different hobby
besides misplacing my affections and misreading social cues

Some say that I'm a liar but it's okay
they say words don't matter anyway
if I didn't mean to hurt you
then I am free to go
Any marks that I've left
will melt with the final snow
I know I promised to love you
till my dying day
But darling, I'm a liar,
And my words just hold no weight.

I'm sorry dear
but I must confess
that I haven't been
at all the best
at keeping up my end.
I've pulled away
In a such a cowardly way
And I really am apologetic
However, I'd be lying
if I told you that I regret it.
I'm just not the person
You wish I was
Though I've managed
to convincingly fake it
The keyboard lets me
lie with ease
with each "I love you"
"Thank you" and "Please"
Although the former
I've been saying
less and less
because once again
I must confess
the feelings
that I once adored
but eventually
began to abhor
and successfully managed
to ignore
have simply left
and are no more.

There's no point in thinking

about how much I like

the rain in September

When it's 77 degrees outside

even though it's almost 6:30

and the plants need to be watered

September is three months away

And if I wait that long

All your plants will die.

It's been so long since I've used
an elementary school wish granting time
like "11:11" or "12:34"  
But I noticed it by chance today;
I thought fondly of you
And I was pleasantly surprised
That you so easily sprung to mind.
I didn't wish for anything in particular
It's not that kind of night
But your name came up
And I was reminded
That everything always
turns out alright.

I used to see the future in clearly defined terms
The geometry, the surety comforted me
(Rocking chairs on the porch
TV in the den, us on the couch)
But now it all seems wrong.
Water spilled on a crisp ink drawing
(An empty swing on the porch
TV by the bed, me on the couch)
I have to take off my glasses
Because your edges are too harsh
(Maybe I won't have a porch
Or a TV, I'll be on my parent's couch)

You may think Halloween's great
But it's the one holiday that I really hate
All the little sweet-toothed children
Always forget to brush their teeth

Even the one's that normally floss
When it's me vs. the candy, I've traditionally lost
Oh Halloween, I despise you
And all the cavities you bring

The SweetTarts and the lollipos
Caramel apples with nuts on top
Hershey's and Reese's
Skittles and all their sugary pieces

M&M;'s and Snickers
Why don't we just give out stickers?!
Jolly Ranchers and Gummi Bears
Instant cavities, everywhere!

So when October comes to an end
I wait for the patients they're sure to send
Filling after filling after filling
Children crying while I'm drilling

I don't like it, despite the business it provides
On the night of October 31st, I always hide
Not wanting to fuel the tragedy that always ensues
I hate Halloween, I really, really do.

You would pick at a wound
till it bled once more,
if that could illuminate
what opened it the first time.
While I would rather let it be,
till it either heals or festers,
only paying it any mind
if it began to cause me pain again.

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The only reason I ever went downtown
was for music class
or orchestra gigs
or for LA Phil concerts,
but I found this cool bookstore once.

I walked around with you once
during a break between rehearsals
and you asked me if I thought anyone
actually lived here
"LA's just a movie set," you said.

I was downtown for an audition once
and they were filming Batman.
There was fake snow everywhere
and you told me that you and a friend
pretended to have
a snowball fight.

Imagine.
A snowball fight in Los Angeles.
Impossible.
Except when Los Angeles is Gotham
or New York
or Chicago
for the day.

No one is ever on the streets in LA.
Unless LA is Gotham
or New York
or Chicago
for the day.

I've written this letter too many times
in my head on the back of napkins
Starbucks' receipts journal pages
I stopped addressing them
because who else would they be for?

They all start with I'm sorry
because I want you to know that I am
but they trail off into explanations
rationalizing what I did
to somehow be your fault
and instead of mine, as if
I was some damsel and you were some
mustache-twirling villain.

Once again, I'm sorry.

I was less and you more naive than I pretended.
I wasn't helpless I was selfish
I just want you to understand that it was never
your fault; it wasn't even mine.

We played our cards, but I've seen enough movies
to know that the house always wins.
I missed the opportunity to leave while I was ahead
so I got out before I could lose anymore
hoping you wouldn't notice.

I want answers
(do you know what happened?
could you tell how gone I was?
did you think it was you?
what would you have done?
what if?)
but I don't deserve them.

Good night, darling.

I'm sorry that I stopped saying
I love you.

Know that it was not because
I no longer meant it but instead because
I did.

It’s the last minute of my entire life

And I could spend it on you

60 seconds of your smiling face

Of your infectious laughter

The last moment of my entire existence

And I could give it to you

Let you fill my thoughts

As I quietly drift away

The last second of my time on earth

And I could think of you

Of your beautiful murmurs

And your comforting shoulder

I have one thought left before I have to go

And I could think of you,

But I don’t.

I give the time

To the blue of the sky

The clean smell of the rain

And the feeling of freshly washed sheets

I think of biking downhill

With a bag full of new books

Stories in the pages waiting for me to look

Wind blowing in my hair

I remember freshly baked bread

On the vine ripened tomatoes

Home made chocolate chip cookies

Quite nearly almost burnt toast

But I let you grab my hand anyway

As my eyes close for the last time

She moved away when I turned 9.
She's the best drummer I've ever met.
He used to sing Ocean Avenue when we walked to class.
He said that no one could keep secrets quite like me.
He told me to learn how to say no.

It didn't seem as important as it does now.


She was half my height but had twice the heart.
She was the nicest friend I ever had.
He'd wake up at four in the morning to go running.
He read a lot of books and never spoke to me.  
He wasn't quite the fastest swimmer on the team.

I wasn't quite the slowest.

She likes shelves and the color red.
She hates sloths.
He is the fastest swimmer I knew, but I'd never seen him swim.
He told me that he liked my haircut when I hadn't cut my hair.
He told me I owed him four years.

I don't owe them anything.

If the world was like the British Secret Service
And all the nice guys were James Bond
And all the bad guys had cats:
There would definitely be Bond girls.

Good girls, dead girls
Shoot-you-in-the-head girls
Hiding-in-the-bed girls
While-making-out-with-Bond girls

Other-secret-agents girls
Super-******-villain girls
Some-random-at-a-bar girls
Not-wearing-enough-clothes girl

But then there’s a forgotten girl
An always being used girl
Bond never looks twice girl
Always there to help girl

Cheated by the hot girls
Laughed at ‘cause she’s a nice girl
Forgotten as a Bond girl
But an always there for Bond girl

So all you silly Bond boys
Put down your silly shooting toys
Stop kissing the villain-girl
And have a drink with the forgotten Bond girl

I can see you slipping away
but I can't bring myself to
do anything about it
They say if you love someone
Let them go
Well then, I guess
We loved each other too much.

I am a coward and you are a giant
When I close my eyes, I see you smiling
I can't help but think that we deserve a shot
But quickly chide myself for entertaining the thought
Because I am a coward and you are a giant
When I see your face, I can't stop smiling
I think of the way your hand sat on my shoulder
And what we could be if we were a little older
But I am a coward and you are giant
And the universe has no regard for timing
Maybe someday I'll finally be brave
And say this out loud to your face
Today I'm a coward and you are a giant
And if I said I could move on I'd be lying

I want to be supportive
I want to be the best person,
The person you need right now
I want to help you through
I want you to feel loved,
but I am not unbreakable.

I have my own unhappiness
My own insecurities
My own self-loathing
My own inner voices
Telling me that I am
Wired wrong.

I will be there for you
When you need me
But when you ask me
Why I am so stressed
I will tell you that it is
School and Work and Life.

This will not be a lie
But it is not the truth.
I am stressed because of you.
Because I'm not sure
If I deserve you
Not sure if I'm who you need
Not sure if
I can help you feel
Unbroken.

I am not unbreakable.
I'm not even durable.
I am worn out.

Sometimes when I’m by myself
I imagine me with you
Running off to far off lands
With so much left to do

We rule the world with iron fists
And giggle behind closed doors
We ponder the meaning of our dreams
And what we were made for

We steal hotels and sleep in jewels
And stare up tall skyscrapers
Staring off into infinity
In this town made of paper

Then I see you and I say hello
You didn’t hear or answer back
I don’t mention our adventures
Because of the confidence I lack

I’ve fallen in love with the idea
Of you as a perfect person
The more intricate I spin this tale
The more my affliction worsens

You aren’t the one who comes with me
To distant far off places
You’re two very different people
With very similar faces

But I let myself imagine
That beneath your boring shell
The swashbuckling endearing daredevil
Lies inside as well

I thought that I loved you
I thought that I cared.
I thought that I was the one who would always be there.

I thought we were perfect.
I thought we were right.
I thought we would talk for hours into the night.

I thought that you'd miss me.
I thought that you knew.
I thought that you'd call me out of the blue.

But I was careless
But I was wrong,
And they were right all along

We lasted a day.
Not even two.
But I'll never, ever forget my time with you.

I miss you
so
much
and I can't
do anything
about it
I'm so
powerless
I'm a bad
friend
(to everyone else)
I can't tell
if you are doing better than me
I can't tell
if I'm doing a good job
pretending that I'm okay
I want to go home
(I've been home
but it's just a house.
And I was happy to see
its inhabitants
but I want to
inhabit your arms.)
I'm so scared
that I miss you
more than you miss me.
Paranoia and anxiety
and loneliness:
a recipe for
a broken me.

At the airport
I am an American
Smiling (but not too much)
Polite and prepared:
My passport and boarding pass ready
My shoes slip easily on and off
I have no loose change in my pocket
I have one appropriately sized carry-on
and a smaller bag (as allowed)

On the plane I am Asian
I store my bag overhead
And get up when the
European couple who look like
they stepped out of a Dolce & Gabbana ad
try to get to the middle and window seats
The tired, smiling flight attendant looks relieved to see me
and calls me xiăo jiĕ
when offering me my in-flight meal

At the airport
I am an American
Surrounded by people coming home
Customs glances at my blue passport
And asks if I am a student
I can't find my ride
and my cellphone doesn't work here
I try to use the airport wireless
I am an American.

how lucky I was
that so many best friends
happened to be
at my primary school

how fortunate that
his soulmate
walked into his
now-closed video rental store

how curious it is
that your maid of honor
was randomly assigned
as your college roommate

how strange it is
that so much of our lives
is simply dependent
on proximity

I've never smoked a cigarette
But I think I know how it feels
My misguided love is as addicting
And every breath of mine, you steal

I breathe the smoke into my lungs
My insides turn to dust
I can't find a way to give you up
So I drink your poison from the cup

I don't care if you will **** me
As long as you hold my hand
You know I'd give up my own life
To save the ground on which you stand

you shoved me into the deepest depths of the shark infested ocean
but I took your hand as you pulled me into your boat
and thanked you as you cleaned the bites
you are a sweet poison that you convinced me I should try
and it's killing me but I can't live without it
I feel like you stabbed me in the heart
just to see what it would feel like
and I thanked you for it.

I am shattering
and you are glueing back together the pieces
and telling me
that I’m beautiful
like that’s not supposed to make me feel anything
"Get out of toxic relationships,"
they say
I can’t
because
I will die either way
and I’d rather die with you pulling the trigger

I miss you so much
Even though you're not that far away
You're just on holiday
And you'll be back
So I don't know what I'm fussing about
We'll be back on track
In a bit
I feel so much safer with you in my arms
Safe from the world
Your head on my shoulder
reassures the head on my shoulders
I'm waiting for you to come back.
I'm listening to songs
about feeling sorry for yourself.
(it doesn't help)

I curl into the night

Without bones

Slide off my chair

Without my spine

I close my eyes and drift away

Without a thought

I disappear into the woodwork

Without color

Almost a person but not quite

Without a soul

When my thoughts can't form
Coherent sentences
I can put together
My fragmented thoughts
Into stanzas.

When the tears sting my eyes
Or the anger boils inside my stomach
Or the anxiety makes me feel like
My chest is caving in
The words bring me back.

I send these love letters
Apology notes
fanciful thoughts
And midnight musings
Off into the world
In the hope that
Someone feels the same
And my voice
Reminds them of their own.

This thing
It sounds like an illness
But I don't feel sick
I held my head between my knees
Till I remembered how to breathe
I don't feel wrong
I just don't want
to burden anyone else.
I needed someone to hold me
Until I forgot what I was crying about
I didn't realize that I was now
"that kid"
And it didn't upset me the way I thought it would
I can't tell anyone
Nobody needs to know.

I'm okay.
*I will be

A photograph in a library book 
That someone used as a bookmark
A picture of two little girls 
Forgotten between pages 72 and 73

Maybe they're sisters
Maybe best friends 
Maybe they're not little anymore 
Maybe they're no longer friends 

Distracted by the story behind the picture 
That single moment of joy 
Captured in bright kodak colors
Interested me more than the story

Was it taken to be developed 
Then used to hold a place in a book? 
Maybe they never finished reading
Or perhaps they just forgot.

The little girls are at the beach 
Holding hands, running into the waves
Oblivious to problems in the world
I wonder if they are as happy as they look. 

I decide to tuck it back in the book
Keeping it feels like stealing 
That memory was not mine to have 
So I return the book, picture inside

Maybe they'll come looking for their picture 
Or someone else will find it
And think up their own story
Maybe it will end up discarded

The novel long forgotten,
I remember the photo instead  
The picture's story overshadowing
That of some far off fantasy land.

Here is a poem

not written for you

here is a home not provided by you

this is a love

not given by you

this is the help

not offered by you

here is the truth

not revealed by you

here I  am not rememberd by you

so many things

not done by you

yet here I am

*waiting for you…

If the crushing weight
of your existence
ever gets you down,
try thinking about
the planet you call home.
Realize everything you endure,
it has endured worse,
a billion times over,
since before you existed.
Then, your massive insignificance
cancels out how important
you think you are,
and for a while,
you understand
how it feels to be a cloud suspended
between a great everything
and a vast nothing
confused as to which is which.

The sky won't fall and **** me today.
The ground won't open up and eat me today.
But what if it does?

The world isn't going to blow up in my face today.
The universe isn't going to vanish before my eyes today.
But what if it does?

The grass won't turn blue and red today.
The sea won't turn yellow-orange today.
But what if it does?

My cat won't sprout wings and fly today.
My dog won't learn to speak and sing today.
But what if it does?

My life won't get any better today.
My smile won't make an appearance today.
**But what if it does?

Before you can tell anybody
You have to tell yourself
What people say you should already know
Even though I didn't.

How could I tell anyone else
When just trying to tell myself
Ended with me unable to breathe
At 3 in the morning?

I didn't feel relief
I didn't have a revelation
In the end,
I mostly felt resignation.

Nothing is more lonely
Than realizing
That you don't know
Who you are.

he was born in the summer

and lived in the sea

floated away into the sunset

in a coke bottle with me

we saw the whole world

from our glass boat

held on during the hurricanes

and tried to stay afloat

only after the hundredth storm

and another brush with death

did I realize that that if he died

the grief would take away my breath

one day we washed up on shore

and as we stepped onto the land

he let go and walked off until

all that was left was his footprints in the sand

the sadness hit me like I knew it would

but to my surprise, I did not die

I held my head up and walked away

only when December came did I let myself cry

the tears froze on my cheeks

and I put them away for a rainy day

I smiled at the sun and thanked her for the warmth

and she told me that it would be okay.

Rolling out of bed

Getting in the car

Staring out the window

Empty eyes looking far

Sleepwalk through classes

Fake a convincing smile

Answer arbitrary questions

Dying inside all the while

Talking to people

Even though it feels so fake

Trying to make it through the day

Is almost too much to take

Getting home is a relief

Then you collapse into a chair

Trying to keep the semblance of a soul

That you hope still remains there

Falling into a slumber

Full of manufactured dreams

Feeling your sanity slipping

Feel it spilling out the seams

A short six or seven hours later

If you’re lucky, sometimes ten

You’re awakened by the blaring

Telling you it’s time to start again

He turns to me and says,
"One day, you are going to
wake up and find that the world has
passed you by.
You will wake up on your couch
surrounded
by empty cans of Brisk and ghosts
but no one will have died–
Everyone will just be someone else  
but you will be the same.
Like a rock in the middle of a
garden you will stay unmoving while everything else
blooms and grows and reaches towards the sun.
People you forgot to keep in touch with will no longer exist.
I will be gone, I'll be someone else.
To you, I'll be the boy you
loved in high school,
who didn't love you back,
and the girl you sat next to in Biology who wasn't quite as
clever as you are is now a doctor and you are
alone."
I know that he is right, but all I say is
"I didn't love you."
(I am lying)
He shakes his head and gets up
to leave, but he turns one last time and
smiles and I pretend that he is saying that he
loved me back.

this is a poem about a girl
who didn’t think people would forget her
so she didn’t try to start over
she didn’t think people would move on
so she didn’t try to go forward

she thought their world would wait for her
when she wasn’t there
she forgot how easy it was
to forget one person
when that person is gone

she forgot that
just because they were her only friends
didn’t mean that she was theirs
she didn’t realize that
just because she didn’t want to get close to anyone else
didn’t mean that they wouldn’t

but she watched them
go on with their lives
clearly fine without her
when the her-shaped hole in their life
closed up like an old wound
she took one look at her old life
and finally decided
to stop walking backwards

but when she looked ahead
there was no one there
she forgot that in the midst of
trying to keep up with her old life
she burned every bridge into a new one

so now she’s alone
thinly connected to two lives
neither of which she  feels belongs to
floating in a lonely limbo
missing every train that has ever passed

I want to tell you about all the times
I stayed up thinking
Wondering if in ten years from now
I’d meet you in a bar somewhere
And we’d both be drinking
Some expensive cocktail with
An innuendo for a name.
I wonder if you would still look the same
I wonder if I would still feel the same,
I’m sure the conversation would be awkward
But for that I take the blame,
Would I get and take a second chance
For the last uncomfortable slow dance
Of an event I didn’t go to
Because I couldn’t work up the courage
To finally go up and ask you.
Ask about the time when
You told me that you missed me
Though deep down
My thirteen year old self
Kind of wished you kissed me
Though I’m glad you didn’t
I realize that our friendship
Was better than whatever
The hell we would’ve been
Puzzle pieces from different sets
When I wake up, I do my best
I brush my teeth and wash my face until I finally forget.

On Tuesday morning

I discovered

That I had missed your late night call

And I found that I didn’t care at all

But then the next day I was tricked by your enjoining smiles

And I pretend to love you for a while

It’s now Thursday afternoon

And you don’t recognize me

So I think to myself who is he?

But the entire thing is a tragedy

You and I acting out our daily roles

Letting the heat dissipate from the coals

Of the hypothetically imaginary flame

Of a possible love affair

One we knew wasn’t there

And it’s a whole month of Sundays

Yet we still haven’t talked

But I’ve memorized the way you walk

The thread connecting you and I

Is woven together with Wednesdays and lies

As deceptively delicate as a spider’s web

Let’s try again and close our eyes.

i really would like to stop

feeling for you

to stop feeling love

for you

to stop feeling hate

towards you

to stop feeling angry

at you

to stop feeling nervous

around you

you don’t make any sense

and frankly,

i’m exhausted

i don’t want you

and logically

i understand this

but i look at you and feel

sick to my stomach

and these “butterflies”

are no longer new

the novelty has worn off

is there a vaccine i can take for my heart

is there an antibiotic i can use?

because i just want to stop caring about you.

to be fair,

i like being friends with you

you’re a nice person

but it’s so hard to function

when every time you don’t respond

is like a knife to the heart

and every girl who isn’t me

is like stab in the back.

it just makes me so

annoyed

and the wounds

have become more like

mosquito bites

and i

just

want it

to

stop.

I’ve decided that this is the last thing

I will ever write for you

So I will try to make it count.

You deserve more than the unread scribbles

Of an unremarkable poet

And I’m sure you will receive more.

I’ve realized that I care too much for you

Because in the end, these poems are for me

More than they are for you.

You will not see them,

For I will not show you

But in my heart I know, and that is enough.

This is not the best thing I have written for you

But I smiled at you yesterday and you smiled back,

So it doesn’t matter.

It is time to let you go,

In fact, it was time to let you go a long time ago,

But I remained hopeful.

This poetry does not flow,

Does not rhyme as I hoped it would

But neither did we.

let me go
let me float
in the pool by myself
till I sink to bottom
like the stone that is my heart
maybe as the chlorinated water fills my lungs
I’ll finally have some clarity
as the blue water fades to white maybe
I'll finally know how to do what’s right

I've found that I lie so often
that the truth has become hard to tell
To all the people I've hurt
Worry not, they've saved me a spot in hell

I'll say that we share a favorite movie
Even if I've never even seen it
It's so much easier to say
"I love you" when I do not mean it

I'm sorry to the people I care about
Who have no idea how I feel
Trust me, the less I say to you
The more likely that my love is real.

I want to be more than
A stranger you smile at when you can  

I don't want to be 
A face without a name, a landmark you sometimes see

But I don't want to hold your hand 
walking through the waves across the sand

I don't want to hug and kiss 
Or be the only one you'll ever miss

I don't want to be your wife
Buy a house and car to start life

I don't want to be there until the end 
All I want is to be your friend.

Sometimes
I want to reach out
And hold you
But
I am too scared
To touch you
Because
Our tenuous relationship
Is like spun sugar:
Delicate
Messy
And too much
Makes my head hurt

If you wish for a prince
You're sure to get a frog
Or the thing that is more likely
Is to get no one at all

For a world that's full of people
It sure is a lonely place
Compared to insects and animals
The humans are the saddest race

There's so many people crying
Smiles drowning in their tears
All the giggles and the laughter
Buried by our fears

People say they're happy single
But no one likes being alone
I'm not really worried
My cat never forgets to phone

With all the happy TV people
You'd think there'd be less wars
Our miserable existences
Are all we can live for

one two faces blue
frozen by the ice and split in two
three four open door
tripped by the threshold, dead on the the floor
five six wall of bricks
trapped by corners and out of tricks
seven eight falling straight
off the edge of cliff while tempting fate
nine ten noisy men
at the bottom of the ocean, silent again.

i go outside so i can look at the snow

i want to watch the little white flakes come down

land on my eyelashes

put some color in my cheeks

but it doesn’t snow where i live

i go outside and the sky is clear

the moon shines bright

like it is mocking me

so i go back inside

and turn up the music

because there are worse things to be than

snowless

I know that no one my age knows what they're doing
but that does nothing to comfort me at all
I don't know if my decisions are right
I don't think anyone really does

But I feel like my choices have set me on a path
that I can't stop going down
and everything's moving too fast
and I can't even stop to look around

But, at the same time, I just want to get
where I'm supposed to be going

This is what scares me the most,
more than the uncertainty inherent in my youth,
that I'll never stop feeling like I'm on a train
that never slows down
and I won't reach my final destination
until I'm dead
and in the ground.