in the afterbreaths of ardor
there is something lingering
hanging in the air
creeping on my tongue
floating in my mouth
waiting at the edge of my vocal chords
MY HEART IS POUNDING.

I want to say it so badly
the taste is in my saliva
tingling from my tongue to my lips
swallowing the words before they escape
tensing my jaw along with the thought
clinging on to the phrase
MY HEART IS POUNDING.

it travels down my spine
never ceasing to leave me
crawling down each vertebrae
shivering my entire being
collapsing this sense of self
gripping on to me for good
MY HEART IS POUNDING.

in a harsh breath
the words exit quickly
breaking through the barrier
existing outside of my head
opening a new realm in the moment
echoing into the air: "I'm falling in love with you."

I hit my head so hard
it did not crack open.
I fell down every single step
and did not break a single bone.

Am I allowed to fall in love again?
Is it fair? I want it to be.

i have anxiety
undiagnosed.

sometimes it feels like my head is stuffed with crumpled ***** of paper: the things I never said, the things I should have never said, the things that someone never said to me.

all of these things are written on every piece of paper
there are so many right now that no more would be able to fit
yet i can't stop thinking things, i can't stop saying stupid things, i can't stop wishing things.

i sigh I reach up to my forehead and i grasp my bangs
with my shaky hands and pull

i'm hoping one day when i do this
the top of my head will yank open
all of these crumpled pieces of thoughts
will pour out in a pile
on the floor
i will kneel down
and uncrumple each and every piece
i will read each one
until my head fills up again.

When you go through something,
and I mean something,
there are people who are there for you.
People who would do anything for you.

A few months pass and you feel better
and I mean it, you do feel better.
But for some godforesakenfuckedup reason
No one will let it go after you already have.

People are scared of your sensitivities that no longer exist,
And I mean it's like you no longer exist
as the same person you were
before going through something.

You are never entirely new and I want you to remember that.
And I mean that you are still you, just changed.

You can't go back but you just have to trudge forward.
And I mean trudge, I mean crawl, I mean drag yourself forward.
You sound crazy to everyone, you will be called crazy
You will stay true to yourself.

Only you can decide if you are crazy.
And I mean everyone is scared of me,
but I am not.

I spent the weekend in a city
With a friend, I was so happy
I come back and the excitement is vanishing quicker than you

The second I come home late
I am alone again
I am alone again
I am alone again

When will these feelings leave
I wish they would have left with you or quicker than you

The emotions overwhelm me
I am crying again
I am crying again
I am crying again

I have these moments of happiness and then they disappear quicker than you

When will it be enough, I just want to say
I am alive again
I am alive again
I am alive again

to want someone
and then decide not to want them anymore is truly a crime

I thought that I was heartbroken,
you thought it was a clean break.

I knew this to be untrue, it is my heart isn’t it?

I went through the days feeling the same,
you thought I would get better.

But again, this is my heart it is not yours.

A stranger came upon this heartbreak of mine
I realized that my heart did not break.
You just left a gaping hole in my heart.

You drained my heart for a period of time
Sending the pretty swirling bubbles down the drain
And left me empty and cold


This is my heart and I am determined to fill it.