I’ve been telling everyone

I’ve been trying to understand

I cannot even begin to comprehend all of the thoughts that run rampant until 2 am:

I love you.
Or the idea of you, I am unsure.

I hate you.
For what you have done,
I am sure.

I love you.
I would go back to you,
if only you asked.

I hate you.
For who you have become,
I am the only one who asked if
only I could come back.

I love you.
You do not love me.
You will not say it back.

I hate you.
You are the one
You are the one who said
“I love you” first.

I love you.
I am the one to say
“I love you” last.

It was just a dress
But in the moment I knew that it was everything.

A mustard yellow velvet dress
graced my body as I stepped out
with a smile on my face.

My sisters looked at me with excitement

But I turned to you and you did not even look.

My sister called out your name, you said “what?”

It wasn’t just a dress that you didn’t care to see,

it was me.

I’ve never been so glad to come home at night to hear the television blasting

This time it wasn’t cheerful voices from the home shopping network belting out about a product

It was a live Cat Stevens concert and it made me shiver to listen to someone whose voice sounded so real.

Mental illness is not a joke.

I know that to be 100%
You know that I have anxiety.

I know that you hid things from me.
You know that you most certainly had.

Depression is a chokehold.

I know that to be 100%
You know that too late.

I know that I love you.
You know that you do not.

You always said:

I want you
to live your dreams.

Never in a billion years
did you ever believe:

You would be the one
who destroyed them.

I always thought it would be me
That I would get fed up
I would leave.

I never thought that you would be the one to do it,
to make me hurt
I didn't think you would do it.

You said you would always love me
Now it's "I love you but..."
You say "I still love you though."

You wonder if we're just friends
Even though we are so much more
You tell me you don't know if you want to be in a relationship anymore.

I'm trying so hard to save this,
this investment of us is so much
I'm scared and confused.

I don't know how many ways I can tell you, I just want us to stay.

I'm stressed and undressed at the foot of your bed.
But you can't hear me from inside your head.
The floor creaks but you don't move even the slightest.
Do you know how much I need you?

I curl slowly into myself and the tears pour.

I'm awake, you're asleep and I'm needing you more,

now than ever before. It's making me feel like a hurricane.

One that sweeps you up and you wouldn't even know it because

You're still sleeping and I'm driving, or wanting to drive to your apartment and press the button to buzz

you awake. Isn't it strange that we hear some things so easily and familiar like an alarm,

but a gut feeling is completely ignored as you lay there sleeping?

And I'm awake.