the people
who died
or served

who killed me

who killed us


who made it so
that i no longer
have family.

i
have
no
reason
to
live
.
.
.
i think
i should talk
to my
psychiatrist
about
that
medication.

you proved
that i
was nothing to you

that i meant
absolutely
nothing
to you.

and even though,
i know this is true,

i am still
so ******* attached to
you.

i have felt
heart broken.

a boy
broke me,
but

when i was broken
into millions of pieces,

somehow,
i still found the strength
to put myself
back together
again.


its me
against the world

and i need no one.

you break me,
destroy me
physically.

some days
i hate you
more than
i love you.

how could i hate
something that i
love so dearly?

i dont know.

"Bored"


I can't sleep.
I don't know where Liz is.
I don't know where Matt is.

I have nothing to do.

why can’t you go one day without making me feel suicidal?

i didn’t do anything to you

just admit it already

you hate me

you wish i was dead.

just tell me that already.

the best,
this is your best?!

you being abusive
you drinking every night
this is your best

this is why

you never taught me anything

you taught me curse words

insults

you taught me that i-
me
a child
that my opinion never matters
i only tell people what they want to hear
that i don’t matter
i’m a ******* *****.

a
*******
*****
,
you said to me
when i was still in a car seat

in the back seat

of the white suv you had
when i was in 1st grade.

and yet,
i thought this was normal
i had convinced myself

“this is how you show love”
“he loves me”
“he loves me with all his heart”

do you know how much that breaks a child?!

now i have to wipe my tears

put on a fake smile

and act like i’m okay again

i’m fine

im fine

i’m the best i could be.

i’m just a lil bit tired

i don’t think
you two (2)

know how much

you’re hurting me.

we fkin high tonight man
we made friends
made a cult

no worries

i;ll forget all bout it soon

Crying.
Crying my eyes out.

A depression has somehow hit,

I took my medicine today,
I should be fine!
Right?

I was supposed to be as happy as ever-

And I broke down.

I don't wanna wake Liz or Tio.

So. I ran outside,
Sweatshirt and shorts on.

It's raining.

It's cold.

I just-

Stood there.

Crying.

Crying my eyes out.

I should see if I have any makeup in my bag.

I don't need eye bags today.

I was gonna go out today,

With Lizzie.

I'm still in the rain.
The rain is pouring ******* me.

The wind,

Pushing me to the side.


I'm wondering,
if I should go back to Australia.
To visit my-
p a r e n t s .

I should go back.

I should go back soon.

Oh, right.

I'm still outside in the rain.

I forgot.

-

I walked back in,
pulling down my sleeves as I remembered something

Nothing Important.

Just-

A few ups and downs.

I have to change my clothes.

Again.

-Good night-

stop using terms that are wrong
stop calling people things that arent true

no,
theyre not insane.

you just dont understand

how mental illnesses work,


sincerely,
a neurodivergent, autistic, and severely mentally ill person.

We walked around to see what we could do in a few days,
Moscow is a really nice place.
It was a bit cold,
but that's okay,
Weather is a thing