it's my birthday.
i cried last night of the thought that i really made it another year.
the rain seemed to push me down so hard and i can't believe i'm still here.
walking with my friend yesterday,
i looked at her,
just by looking at her,
i knew that i should be here.
in that moment,
i knew i wanted to stay.
it's birthday and i'm --,
another year of breathing,
another year of crying,
another year of smiling,
another year of feeling like i was nothing,
another year of loving,
another year of me.
i don't know how to feel this year about myself yet
but
i'm here and that's all that matters.

this poem
is not about you

even though
your spirit is in every word
your voice sounds strong
in the halls of my mind
telling me things
I am now sure
I want to know

this poem is
about me

trying to understand
you

I told you that I didn't want to be hurt again
I told that I wanted years not months
You didn't listen and still hurt me
You decided for months instead of years
Now I sit in my dark bedroom during midnight
Now I sit there and cry myself to sleep
How did I not see that it would end soon
How did I not care to notice you didn't like this
Where can I go to find happiness again
Where do I go to have trust again
No where is good enough for me
Not my family or my friends
I know that when I speak to you I am happy
I know that my depression worsens after I start talking to you
But I can't seem to stay away from you
I try and force myself away but it isn't enough
Now my heart feels like it is being shredded in the center
Now I feel broken pieces in the core
But you just laugh it away and make up excuses
But I have to keep seeing you
You call me friend which is what you want
You never thought to ask what I want
Every time you call me Friend
Every time my heart is being stabbed by pain
Now I am here crying away
Now I am here failing apart
Because of you and your words
Because I had fallen for you and can't get up.