I knew I shouldn't have
Bothered with a hello
But you looked so much
Like a memory from my dreams
Like him you hated breakfast
And people, but loved coffee
Your eyes had answers
To questions unasked
And those eyes they
Betrayed my resolve
I was clinically obsessed
But you warned me didn't you
But what's love
without the thrills of the risk
So I carried your cross
Across My chest until
I hanged by it
You had a lot of baggage
And you added my heart to the loot
Now you are no more
But so am I.

...forgive me this raging thirst
Before it consumes me
Of persistence in lost causes
Like I would be nothing
If I didn't make something
Out of them.
I need to learn
Like always I say
Sometimes the idea is
To never fall
Other times, to never stay down but
Again, knowing when to stay down
There, you've got life all figured out but
with my obsession of fixing
Every other thing irrelevant but myself
I really simply haven't

Sometimes I wish
Hearts had warning labels on them
That showed on faces

Like mine for example
"Soft and fragile
Handle with care"

And yours for example
"Hard and brittle
Don't come any closer"

Othertimes I wish
There was a hard reset
And I could choose
whatever setting I wanted
At different times

We build walls around us and call it home
And why not, that's where we feel safe and secure
But we struggle when the facade fades
And feel alone and why not
A wall around us is still a wall
And while we sometimes act like home is a decision
It's more than safety and comfort
It's about community,
About risks and risk taking
Without which we could never experience the adventure that is life

Let's talk about the unexpected
That infectious Joy of yours
And the unrelenting manner
You speak about the things
I'd rather not hear about
Like love
and other drugs
The stolen glances;
Those aren't the only things
You've gotten to steal
The strange space on my shoulder
The one you left there even after
I told you not to forget a thing
And then the dent you've left
In my resolve
Not to love or believe in its futility
But you look at me and say
"Don't worry, your great Wall
Is still intact"
I hope that I'm strong
Enough to retain hope
That i'd be strong enough, yet
You've left me weak enough
To hope that I'm not strong enough
To resist all the uncertainty you bring
And hope you are the one to take me
To my ninth of clouds

"I'm not ready yet"
A sentence I've used
Time and again and
I feel like I should clarify
That I'm building myself
To be the home
I think you deserve;
Nobody likes the inconvenience
Of a building that's incomplete
It's not not even about luxury
it's about the safety
We both need
To afford forever

Hope
is the lengthy rope
We hang on to
That helps us cope

When all of mine is used up
And all everyone says
Is hang in there

Where exactly do they mean?

Maybe.

If the landscape of life wasn't so unpredictable

If the Earth was a little bit flatter;

We wouldn't all be tripping and falling in love

Maybe.

Wish I washed my breath with ***
That last time I told you twas over for sure
So maybe you would blame it on the bottle
and not on the stony nature of a non-existent heart

Wish I swam in the ocean of whiskey
When I told you I loved you
so maybe you would blame it on the demon
that pushed me in the bottle
and not on the fact that I was incapable of love

But maybe, don't blame me at all
cos i'm certain you wouldn't walk a straight line
if not, how could you have ever trusted
a little child, with a bow and an arrow

Of cos you'd get hurt

I know I'm not the only one
That these questions keep
Up at night
Like why do babies cry the same
Do fools fall in love or
Does love make a fool
Which arm rest is really mine at the cinema
and if man evolved from monkeys
How come we still have monkeys
and what about my daydreams at night
Would a picture of a thousands words
be worth so much?
I really can't sleep much do I?

What is perfection
Imperfection
Like jigsaw pieces in all their puzzling glory
But when all fixed, there's satisfaction in breaking
Them up to try again.

It's you and me and our
Bags of deficiencies and imperfections
But when we come together it's like
A match and it's box
We light up

There's perfection in imperfection
The darkness needs light and light
It's darkness

Perfection is boring; perfection
Is imperfect.

I once had an acquaintance
Who lived like their world
Only had days
Devoid of shadows
And the nights were sparse
So that everything they touched,
Felt and breathed
Was buried in positivity
And love and light.

Take for example
If a meteorite
Was to fall right in front of them
They'd probably say
"oh what a disaster
The world is ending
It can't be helped
We did our best"
And then
They would just laugh
Like they have forever conquered
Despair.

I could never understand it
I couldn't stand it
But I respected it
As much as I despised it

The cockroach and I
We startled each other
In the dark
It flew
I did too
Into the spiky edge of the bed
And the price
My knees did pay
So I stumbled, teeth gnashing
'til I found the light switch
And fended off sleep until
The cocky roach
It paid with it's life.

72 hours back
I spoke of one so peculiar
She was deserving of a band
X
She introduced me to Y
Why?

48 hours forward
Y looks at me and her
heart speaks of ageless desires
Of fantasies beyond that
I Ever have wished for.
Lust; lost

24 hours
There she is
Y
daring the sun to a smile challenge
she has me fixed in a trance
I could marvel in her unravel
But I couldn't look at the sun

Zero hours
X is glaring at me
She could never possibly unsee this
Her eyes filled with regret
Mine a shadow of the same
I couldn't muster a thought
Y;
She is my unraveling
Tomorrow?
X;
My Ex.

Food isn't my first hunger
And nights aren't for sleep alone
There's so much in my head to ponder
Like why you are where you are
and I am left to sleep alone.

Something about the rain
That soaks away my innate senses
Must be the sound atop my cepha
That tasteless inundating effect
Maybe it's the smell of dust being awakened
Burying my judgement

Intoxicated
Two indifferent souls and a bottle
Of sad wine
Locked up within my mind's
A closet space I visit every now
and again with you
So much for the pain we both
Cause each other, no gain

Do you see me at all
Cos I've stopped seeing the possibilities
Of you
And I
Does it hurt that I'm not there
Cos you ain't here and I'm just fine

I think we will be ok
Nothing does it better than a long day
In the showers
In the rain
of the rain
Blinded by the droplets from above
I can see it so clear, it's below me

There's something in the rain
That cleanses my mind's trash
Resetting my thoughts little by little
In droplets of ecstasy
It's probably because it comes from above
And we both didn't
So we hurt each other, relentlessly

My mind is ill, But it's not
the voices inside that torment
But the voices outside
They call me all sorts
Of names, they speak
Without thinking how their words
Feed the dreaded voices inside
Of my head, till it's too late
I wish it was different...

Wish I had to live in another world
But shooting stars and missing,
That's all I'll ever have.
Berated for being myself
Then judged for trying to be another;
They promised the sky wasn't the limit
But encouraged me to aim for it though
And when I reach the skies they say
You know you could have jumped higher
If you tried harder
Or you could have plucked out one star
Or Now you've gone and damaged the sky
There's no pleasing them it seems.
But I never should have gauged my success
With something so fragile and within hypothetical reach, like the soft blue sky riddled with white patches and rain clouds, so
Now I will stop being me because you said- be you
Yet still, I will keep being me for myself
Self obsessed and grandiose
And I'm not even sorry.

The majority of nights,
I spend on my bed,
and in my head.
Sleep then becomes
a luxury I can't afford,
even though I've worked all year.

It's not that I forgot how to write
It's that I forgot all my pain.

Your dreams are valid
But first
You need to sleep.

Around you,
I guard my breath,
with chains and locks,
I keep losing them;
you keep stealing them.

You insist the shadow
That follows me all day isn't you
And I swear that it takes your shape;
Why then do I still see you
When I look in the mirror at night
And in my dreams
You are in everything
Everywhere I look
What have you done to me?

The next step
isn't always the best step for you
And this I learnt with experience

Picture me
Standing in front of the train tracks
Thinking of taking a step forward...

I want a house with walls, two windows and a door
Says the child who never lived in one before

I want to know what red feels like
Says the child who was born blind

I want to know what clean water tastes like
Says the child who has lived in drought

I just want a home, some food, water and some color
But another name for the universe is chaos
And we are expected to be content
Afterall, all it ever promised us, was life
And even that is never guaranteed.

I'm reading a book about
How to love
I hear at times it starts with a crush
But how do I even begin to
Fall for the idea of a person
Someone most times unrealistic
Grappling with a feeling I have no control over

I think I know what the problem is
I've dug myself into a hole I've forgotten how to get myself out of
I need to keep digging till I can find light in the form of a lover
But my mind has to be receptive of an idea to cultivate it

So here I am, stuck
Trying to make sense of this book about love
When In reality it reads like a book about despair

There's something very surreal about
Watching the stars with you
It's not the beautiful stars
Whose numbers don't compare
To the number of goosebumps
On both our skins
Nor is it the bird cries ringing in the soundtrack of nightfall which is only
Drowned out by the sound of our hearts
Beating as one
It's surely not the soft breeze of the night
Cos all I feel on me is you.

Where men have treaded and failed before
And the world has given you no chance at all
There you shall find light and wings to fit
And fly into the horizon where no boundaries abound
Just the sun, the wind and success at arm's length
But only if you Believe.

I swam all the way
To the bottom
Of the bottle
And the next
Then the next bottle
Looking for relief
But all I found was more emptiness
And then it drowned me

I could see the beauty in you if I was blind
And even if I was deaf, your heart
It speaks volumes

Your eyes are poetry
I get them
Yet I don't get them
That fearsome depth
I revel and drown
and I'm not even ashamed
Like poetry; words giving
meaning to my thoughts
Your eyes control the rhythm
To my heartbeat
Fast or slow
Blink and I'll miss a beat
To the dance of your lashes
I'm drunk and lost.

Curse the times I say,
When our laughters become spoken words
LOL
The demise of the beauty that is unspoken joy.

the yearning, unending
the distance, unaffecting
days turning into weeks
all gone in a blur
yet it's you
you are all that I see
dream
and drown in.

Disorder

I am                          the pain
            I've lived    
                       my life             running
      from,
               pain so blinding,
                                   I wasn't able
        to see it

As well watered soil
Is to growing plants
A broken heart
Is the perfect condition
For the best
Of my poetry.

You know
Even I am tired
of always looking for excuses
To avoid feeling.
"Give me some minutes"
"I'll call you right back."
"Can we speak some other time?"
I never run out of these do I?
It's getting oh so tiring
"I'll be ready soon"
Yet, soon is never
gon come soon enough is it?

You are the closest
I've felt to heaven
And I'm baptised by
Your undying love
Can you let me worship at the feet
Of your majesty?

Sometimes the image
You see of yourself in the mirror
Is a reflection of what
You think of yourself at that moment
Ugly, beautiful, maybe
Maybe it's all in your head

I love that you are mine...

it makes me giggle,

Like a candy loving child

at 2 am

in the middle of the night

uncontrollably too.

...Because love, for me, is like setting my heart
perfectly on the floor, next to your feet.
Scared you might step over it and go your way
Hoping you don't step on it and **** me so
Praying you pick it up and make me whole

... Because love is the opposite of easy.

Because love is a type of ******

...a sacrifice of self for another.

Don't try to save me
When you can just fall with me

You are my light
You illuminate my existence

Take it from me
I've been to hell and back
The ghost of the choices
I made in the past
Come haunting
My dreams, day and night
Taunting
Unrelenting
Even as I wallowed  
In utter contentment
How could I not be
When all I've known
Is the dark


Take it from me
The only thing that's positive
About the dark
Is how much it helps you
Appreciate the light
Never again opting
For the dead
Among the living

You are my light,
The way your soul reflects upon mine
Drying up my fears
Giving meaning to my living -

- You illuminate my existence.

These walls can't keep me
Is it called the underworld because
We get to be buried down under
Maybe death would feel different
If I was buried in the skies above

Undying
These walls won't hold
Now that I have sand as flesh
Over my bones I could
Still argue that I'm whole
From sand we came, and sand
We always will be, dead or alive

Undying
These walls ain't real
As I embrace my present being
And rise like I never died

Undying

It's taken me years
Of writing and reading,
Living,
Giving and receiving,
Love
To realise;
Love is simple
It's humans
That are complicated

It's crazy isn't it
Forever started with a hey.
Can you remember what it felt
Did you feel your heart thaw
Or melt.
That call out of the blue
It felt so right
Like you were one out of the crew.
The convos at night
Sleep became a secondary function
I think I've seen the light.
And when I have a bad day
And my heart is broken
You say
If you are sad what would
You have me do and you
Make me laugh
my sorrows away
Not before you would threaten
to mend my heart and beat me
For staying sulky
Now I can't stop laughing.
Laughter may be the best medicine
But you are my physician

I stayed in the shower
for 2 hours last night,
until the running water outnumbered my tears.
Congratulations, you've brought the pain back, and with it, my poetry.

Good riddance,
Farewell
Or not.

I look at you sometimes and
Wonder how you feel so
Surreal but
So real to me

Yesterday,
I came across your smile
On the face of another
So beautiful
Yet I could only
Feel guilt as she said hi
Welcome to the show
And her name wasn't yours

Today,
I made a girl laugh in the mall
Just like you did
She tossed back her head and reveled
In its vibrations
As she passed by me
With a wave, of intent
And friends that weren't yours
Another prospective ruined
Just because I can't find
Enough of you in them

Now,
I Just wonder if you
Were my lucky break
Cos at least
I found love with you
Or my damnation
Cos now?
I can't seem to love another.