... In you I found something
But all I ever wanted was nothing

I have written a lot
Of things about love
But I’m just learning, at 30
That it is a lot of things
But the picture of perfect;
What even in the world is?

I have written a lot
Of things about love

Love is simple; it's humans
That are complicated

Love is a kind of ******
Of self for another

Love doesn't take a push
It happens, despite you

Love is regret; about choices
We make and don't

I've finally come
To the realisation that
Love is all of these and more
That
Love is a lot of things
But the picture of perfect
That
Love is all we make of it
And don't.

Because love is a type of ******

...a sacrifice of self for another.

Don't try to save me
When you can just fall with me

Smiles exist in spectrums

Take for example
The loving smile of my baby girl
as she babbles beautifully
in gibber, ish

The knowing smile of my gran
as she speaks
in nods, ish

The former
because she's not seen anything yet
The Latter
because she's seen everything there is

These walls can't keep me
Is it called the underworld because
We get to be buried down under
Maybe death would feel different
If I was buried in the skies above

Undying
These walls won't hold
Now that I have sand as flesh
Over my bones I could
Still argue that I'm whole
From sand we came, and sand
We always will be, dead or alive

Undying
These walls ain't real
As I embrace my present being
And rise like I never died

Undying

I've never claimed
To be the kind of strong-
Who stands
In the face of someone
That has caused them pain
And asks, why?
Why do I hurt?
And why are you the source?

On some days
You make me
Regret
Ever loving you

Yet,
Every other day
It becomes clearer
That losing you
Would be my biggest
Regret

I know which one
I can live with

Your eyes are like the ocean
On a sunny day at the beach;
I'm drawn to them
But just close enough
So I don't drown in them

... And when
They promise you forever
Don't overthink it.

Forever is a second,
an hour and a day.

Forever is until it ends.

So,

Cherish every moment.

Yesterday,
I came across your smile
On the face of another
So beautiful
Yet I could only
Feel guilt as she said hi
Welcome to the show
And her name wasn't yours

Today,
I made a girl laugh in the mall
Just like you did
She tossed back her head and reveled
In its vibrations
As she passed by me
With a wave, of intent
And friends that weren't yours
Another prospective ruined
Just because I can't find
Enough of you in them

Now,
I Just wonder if you
Were my lucky break
Cos at least
I found love with you
Or my damnation
Cos now?
I can't seem to love another.

I feel so much for you,
Yet never enough,
How much more
do I need to love you
for my heart
and yours
to be filled; fulfilled.

She said, V

You have really nice eyes

Like 'em puppy eyes

So, Now I don't know

What to do with my eyes

Blink, Wink, keep a permanent squint?

Do I still keep using them for sight?

I want to grow old with you, but never grow up; finding laughter in the mundane - and never doubting the existence of magic and fairytales. What are we if not magic? What is our story if not a fairytale?

How ironic
... That at night, my dreams keep me awake.

The mistake
You made
Was In thinking
That I could
Live without you
And yes I Breathe
But I'm dead

How can we expect love
To be perfect
When we made it?

Beautiful day, speculative clouds
Met this girl, beauty and the smile
Heart gets loud, can't hear myself
Can she hear me? Out with
My thoughts, back off, I thought I heard
Screams and sirens, not the cops, all in my head
Took a step back, out of
My mind with fear I am, my thoughts
Got caught up in that smile, I'm stuck
Maybe I should just stalk, no need to talk
Won't it just be cheaper to hate, from afar
Fate is for the rich, once said my Ma
Can I risk it all, make a move I could
Regret, not when she looks like a million stars
My heart can't catch up with my breathes, I ain't done
Beautiful day, cold and jitters
My feet are on fire, my thoughts, lost in Russia
I stabbed my mind, it got to my fears
We spoke all through the night, so mama, yes
The drama is over, she said, Yes.

You insist the shadow
That follows me all day isn't you
And I swear that it takes your shape;
Why then do I still see you
When I look in the mirror at night
And in my dreams
You are in everything
Everywhere I look
What have you done to me?

I know we've only known each other a while,
But what's better than love when it's spontaneous.
I know I don't believe in a lot of things,
like love at first sight and the love that always lasts; but i promise you that we will always try.
Would it be the night of your dreams
If I fell and ended up on one knee?

Stuck
Trying to find words
Devastated
Death is a ghost worker
Life just kills us all
Rest now, Friend.

Ever had
The kind of heartbreak
That makes you
Say a prayer
Dear God,
Stop my heart
Or replace it?

Sometimes the image
You see of yourself in the mirror
Is a reflection of what
You think of yourself at that moment
Ugly, beautiful, maybe
Maybe it's all in your head

I learnt from Nipsey's sad demise
That most times
All it needs for your story to get told
And appreciated
Is just the mere act of dying

So I ask, is there something
You wish to say to me tomorrow
If you hear that I'm no more?

Could you share?
I shouldn't have to die
To feel like I've lived

Please

Colour view;
Only just
Found out how much
This sounds like
I love you
It's convenient isn't it
For our forbidden kind of love
That we find other ways to say
I love you

Colour view too
Mouthed and air kissed to you
For all the times you feel guilty
For loving me
But deep in love
too much with me
That you can't help
But try to say it
I get it
At least it reads like
I love you

Colour view always
It doesn't matter to me
Or you, how we say it
When you are in love
The only thing that matters
Is that the other person
Knows it too
Regardless
of how it's said.

Colour view forever.

Your eyes are poetry
I get them
Yet I don't get them
That fearsome depth
I revel and drown
and I'm not even ashamed
Like poetry; words giving
meaning to my thoughts
Your eyes control the rhythm
To my heartbeat
Fast or slow
Blink and I'll miss a beat
To the dance of your lashes
I'm drunk and lost.

I suffered a terrible disappointment today
and while I was writhing through the pain
I had so much in my head to write about
From love to hurt to more pain then anger
Cos somehow my ability to write
More than four pieces in a day
Is dependent on how much pain
I can at least pretend to feel
Today, however, I'm hurt
And I say, take away the pain
Even if it goes with the inspiration
I give up.

Mine.

For a long time
I thought
That I would never be ready
To move ahead
Again

For most that came along,
Red lights and never

For a few others I met
Yellow lights and sirens

For you,
It wasn't just green,
But go too

And here I am.

Yours.

In this moment
I hate you
So much
Yet why
Do I miss you
So much more?

I used to wake up sweating
On cold winter nights
From nightmares
Of demons past
Then you came
And my dreams returned
Of flowers and beautiful endings
You promised they would last
Then you left
And I fell apart
In a sea of questions
How did My saving grace
Become my sleepless nights?
How can you take away my nightmare
And replace it with another?

My mind is ill, But it's not
the voices inside that torment
But the voices outside
They call me all sorts
Of names, they speak
Without thinking how their words
Feed the dreaded voices inside
Of my head, till it's too late
I wish it was different...

"I'm not ready yet"
A sentence I've used
Time and again and
I feel like I should clarify
That I'm building myself
To be the home
I think you deserve;
Nobody likes the inconvenience
Of a building that's incomplete
It's not not even about luxury
it's about the safety
We both need
To afford forever

I hate it here, she started
I hate it everywhere
I'd like to seize
To exist as a human - as if
We were ever given that option
I think to myself - I'd rather be
The clouds or the wind
She continues

Wind. I interject
I like the wind
Moving as I wish
Never a dull moment
Throwing down a few silly kids
Who don't give a **** anyway;
I add for comic relief.
I'd never imagine you as the wind
I say,
Why not? Ash asks - making a playful face - Well,
You look like you can handle your storms
and sunny days
Never the kind to be bothered

Haha, Ash laughs
I think the clouds have
A magical wonder to them
Sitting pretty
Chilling all day
Only stressed when it rains or thunderstorms
And still come out even prettier
When it all passes
But you, you will definitely pass for the wind.

Invest
Don't invest
Invest
Don't invest
Thoughts
Like a pendulum
Self-pity
Why do we lose people
We have given everything for
Anger
Not going to happen again
I'm done giving value
To people
who only value themselves
Grief
My heart's dressed
In black, I imagine
Mourning all the time spent
Giving away much of me
To someone who would one day say,
thank you, but I didn't ask you to
Acceptance
That there's nothing abnormal about people leaving
It's when they stay
That's a miracle
People leave, people always leave
And those left behind
Are left to pick up the pieces
Of lessons learnt
Distrust,
Hearts, buried in Ice
A Normal response
To a normal life event
A growth process even

Never to invest, ever again
Loss made me do it
Loss made me this way

Time,
Everyone says
Is on my side
And will heal my wounds.
But
Time,
No one bothers to say,
Has no face
And no friends
But denial and regret;
The faces I see on each shoulder
Everytime I look
In the mirror

If I had to say something if I heard you were dead...
I would say...

I knew him... I think.
I'll like to think he was my friend.
The first day we met, I would never had guessed he was the founder of MANI - (I was having a ****** day and the hug he offered was needed and appreciated)

He was the kind of person I was afraid of talking to... Lol
Let me explain.
He was the kind of person that struck me as someone who you shouldnt talk to if you're not sure of what to say or made your research... And I'm the kind that will probably rather not say anything at all.

He was kind, and responsible and even with a lot of responsibilities, he was still very human... And that, that part, I really admired. I kinda always wanted to know if he was alright, it all seemed a lot for one person.

He founded MANI, and that organization changed my life in many ways than one and I'll always be grateful to him.

He inspired me in so many wierd ways and I'm glad that in my lifetime, I met such an amazing soul.

I'll miss him!

Have I mentioned his sarcasm.

He was a good one.

On first glance
You took my breath away
I should have seen the signs
Otherwise
How did we go
From the times where
You were my breathing space
To days that feel like
I'm in space

Suffocating

My grandma
Always had a way
with words
She once said to me
Child,
Don't go proving love
With words
It is not a thing that's hidden
It is clear as day.
Love may be blind
But you aren't
And neither is she.

I think
That the least talked about
Thing about heartbreaks
But one of the most painful
Are all the songs lost in the process
Because they bring back
Memories best left
Forgotten

Flushed
Cheeks,
and all things face and pale
Butterflies
Stomach,
and places they have no business breeding
Racing
Heart,
but no ones chasing
Laughter
Loud,
but the joke was missing
Beauty
Eyes,
yet I'm blind, I wasn't even looking.

Love
Makes me feel and see
The things that aren't there
And amplifies
the things that are

And I absolutely surrender
to it's utter violence.

Music is my life map
to the past
and the future.

A song comes on,
its rhythm
taking me back
to several moments
and memories,
some; I wish gone,
most; I want to relive.

Another comes on
Filling me
with dreams
of the future,
memories,
I wish to make;
the things,
I hope to feel.

A rhythmic reminder
to live;
Life itself

As a child
One of my biggest morning fears
Was, having soap in my eyes
Now an adult,
Among other fears
that come with the dawn
Is that of waking up
On an utterly important day of my life
And somehow
not being able to get out of bed
Stuck, Staring at the ceilings for stars...

Hey
there were somethings I wish were possible
but here, help me be sure they ain't

Can I put my feet in the fire
and expect not to get burnt?
Can I jump off a scraper
and expect not to break bones?

Can I lie across the rail
and expect not to get crushed?
Can I put my heart in your delicate hands
and expect it not to slip?
Can I?

In the day, I live my nightmares
And when I get to sleep, my dreams are where I want to be

I love you
And so
I miss you
But you?
You only love me
When you miss me

You know
Love is a crazy thing
Each time I'm roped in
I become a better version of myself
I've only been in love 3 times
The first taught me empathy
A deeper kind of feeling
An Understanding of oneself beyond pity
The second taught me patience
Not the enduring kind
But the type
that has made me who I am today
But with you
I've learnt to love myself
A feeling I thought of
as an inbuilt transient sensation
And one I now find most important
You see
It's saved my life countless times

I don't plan on falling
For someone different everytime
Just so I can learn
So
I just need to
keep on finding ways
To fall in love with you
Over and again

Who knows what else I will find

Don't blink or you will miss it

When I finally gather the courage to

Mouth the words; I Love You

... And the girl I let go?
She Looked exactly like
the love of my life;
but I must love my life more

Love is a fickle thing
Forever is a myth
Love, forever
Is a promise birthed
To die