It knocked
softly
a breath at the door
but I
bolted the windows
and swallowed the key.

It came wearing warmth,
but I mistook it
for fire,
for teeth,
for grief with a new face.

So I fled,
faster than joy
could reach out its hand
afraid it might feel
like home.

You told me you missed me,
but that was a lie,
because the only thing you missed,
was the ability to play with my mind.

My scars re-open,
Every time I hear your name,
I wish that they would just heal.

“please! just tell me what’s wrong! why are you always so angry and distant all the time?!  i’m trying to help you why won’t you let me??!”

“you just wouldn’t understand, this is something i have to deal with on my own”

and then he felt it
the feeling of her trying to break down the conjured barrier around his thoughts
the feeling of her trying to see him the way she can see everyone else

“STOP IT”
he yelled slamming her into the wall without even touching her skin
“STOP TRYING TO GET IN MY HEAD”
the girl that was never afraid now looked completely terrified
he loosens his mental grip he had on her body , looking into her violet eyes and pulls her close
“i’m sorry love”
he whispers
“it’s just too dark in here”

in a way
i’m an experiment
a surgical project
i teach the broken boys how to love

they practice on me
they learn to say the right things
to do the right things
and to avoid the wrong things
and how to not say something stupid

the problem is tho
how am i supposed to know
when a boy wants me
and not a lesson
will i even know how to handle it?
or will i freak and leave
how will i know if its real
and not an experiment

it’s getting to the point to where i need a lesson
not on how to love
but how to be truly loved
because i don’t know what that feels like
for the only thing on a guys mind to be me
and not because they want something
but because they want to give me everything

because everytime
he takes what he needs
learns what he wanted to know
and treats the next girl how i would treat him,
perfectly

i wonder if that’s why im here
to teach boys how to love the broken girls
if i’m just supposed to help fix girls ill never even know

i’m trying to come to peace with it
but i’m a broken girl too
i want for a boy to actually fix me
not pretend too