...finally understand now that I never will be far. :)

When you spin off into your self-downer mode,
I have to pull away. Over the years, I have told
you over and over again that they are old messages..
so unfairly placed into you a long time ago by  others
    who in no way are you.
When you repeat those horrendously-dismembering
messages, I have to temporarily go silent..

so not to keep harping on you to stop  that
dead-end-street kind of ****.
At one time it horribly formed and defined you.

You are no longer that same horribly beat down person.
    You just at times think you are.
I am in love with that brain of yours.

I struggle
with the part of it
that still believes its ok
to think that way.

It is not ok to think that way, young Love.. not anymore.
You will struggle with the thoughts wanting to surface
and take control..        how could you not?
They were plunged deeply into you
with such a horrible and contempt-filled violence.
It will continue to take time for the hard-wiring  in you
to become slowly unkinked..   But love does that.

   You already know that also. xoxo

Sorry, about....

how much  I
completely come--   a l l
              over myself;
the ceiling,  the window-blinds..  

the neighbor's cat..
walking  across the street

every single night, my love.
(true story)

It is me tonight

that will need
to find  release
through ******

Find a quiet place
on the edge of
your bed

and join me

do you remember me

probably not
i never became anything

nothing more than suffocating, dissociative daydreams
surrounded by green leaves on lemon trees
i still could not thrive
amidst the accommodating salt air
still fading,
still weak
living on figurative life support all of my teens, now at twenty-three
decaying in one room, with one window looking out to an alley

can i even say i've changed

as romantic as it would be to say yes, and for the worse
i'm still not "me"

i do not even get the luxury of claiming i was once something before i turned into nothing

i remember claiming that i was trying to "be art"
in hopes that being an abstract museum of things you could see, but couldn't touch would somehow save me
but that is no way to feel
no way to be

i am no poem,
i am no painting,
i am no line i am no iris i am no olly

i am nothing