My oldest friend
I am sorry
I still find it difficult to be alone with you
You are not often quiet
Full always of buzzing and shouting
Alight with every sense the world provides
I try always to drown out your din
But you are the rustling of Autumn leaves
You are spring showers
You are a gust of wind
You are the inevitability that tomorrow arrives
You are spinning
Laughing
Out of control
Until we all
Fall
Down
But the grass is soft
And the water looks inviting
If we only dared to touch it
It would hold our hand
Whisper
Beauty surround us
And there is beauty in everything
Beauty in the chaos
Beauty in every inch of this skin
In every aspect of this mind
In the screaming I find song
And in the buzzing poetry
I dance to the symphony in my head
And take off running at a dead sprint
Fill my lungs with chill air
Stare at the hazy night sky
Admire the fuzzy edged moon
Feel grateful for this brain
And this body
That gets me where I want to go
And rarely hears thank you
Being alone with you is still scary
But it's worth it
For moments like these
When the din sharpens to focus
On an image
On a sensation
On a poem

You say you're boring, but I think you've just never had someone take the time to realize you're the most interesting thing they have ever seen.

I think every poem I've written was meant to be spoken word
Each line crafted with a performance in mind
The rhythm and cadence meant for my voice alone
Impactful only when shouted in a crowded room
Yet I have never
Not once
Gotten the courage to get up on a stage
And deliver one
I struggle to share them because I know they will sound wrong
They were not meant to be read
But the anxiety is too much
And each time I think about reciting them aloud I shake
Terrified that I will try and fail to convey the poem trapped inside my brain
So I never do
And the world goes longer and longer without hearing my work
And it is neither worse nor better for it
I hope one day I will speak my poetry into this universe
Maybe I'll start with this

You say I have wings
But if I do then I'm Icarus
I'm flying into the sun
Only to fall back to Earth
With a deafening crash
Or maybe
I'm the sun
I'm the flame
Burning brightly
But not meant to last
To be held onto
To exist permanently in someone's heart
I flicker into someone's life
Only to burn out
I forget
That no one is meant to get too close to me
Like the sun I'll melt away your wings
And I am too beautiful to hold onto
Flying is so thrilling you'll forget I'm dangerous
My love too strong
Too bright
Too much and not enough
And breaking and bleeding and wounding
When I'm only trying to heal
I want too much
Too much time
Too much touch and too much feeling
I want to give all of me
And it's never the right amount
It's heavy and hot
And sharp and broken and awkward
And me
All of me
Broken on the floor

I carry my sins in my arms
Like dead roses to the grave of a loved one long gone
I don't want to die making amends for past sins
Committed to repentance by someone unrecognizable
A scared little girl clinging to the only things keeping her from falling
Falling apart
Falling in love with a lie told by someone she was meant to trust
He told her she was perfect
And she believed him
She absorbed that lie into her identity
And used it to project insecurities onto others
Drowning under the weight of a burden too heavy to carry
She searched for faults in friends
Coping with continuous failing
By destroying every good thing she ever had
Jeering at those who fell short
And preying on the weakness in others
The same weakness in herself
I guess it's easier to see yourself in a mirror
But she had no idea that she was staring at her reflection
That she was screaming these insults at the girl who was trying to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders by pushing away anyone willing to help her
I think now all I can do is tell her
I'm sorry
and
I forgive you
Because she deserves it
And maybe so do I

They
They came into my life like a spark
I was kindling
They touched me and I ignited
They burned brightly
So brightly it was blinding
I watched their flames dance
I watched as their fire grew
It crackled and roared
Beautiful and wild
And then
Just as they came
Their spark died
Here one moment and gone the next

Beautiful
Whispered
I straddle your hips
My fingers trace indented red lines
Their pattern only yours
"My stretch marks?"
You ask
Yes
again
Beautiful

Man of gold
Sat atop your throne of glass
You command armies
And have defeated many a foe
But you shall perish
For you are prideful
And that pride shall be your downfall
You are a mere mortal
You may have some power
A semblance of control
But control cannot make you invulnerable
You act as though you are immortal
But simply acting immortal will not prevent your untimely demise
It will simply draw it ever nearer
You may be a warrior
But strength does not translate to survival
And giving commands does not make you wise
You do not know when to give up
When to retreat
You provoke your enemies
Simply to prove yourself
But you only prove that you are foolish
You must choose carefully
Which battles are worth your time
But you don't
And that
Will be your doom
And the doom of all those you love
All those you fight for
It will lead to your end
One way
Or another

You
You hold me
Like I am the most beautiful thing in the room
Like I'm falling apart
And you're holding my pieces

I'm fragmenting to bits in your arms
Crumbling to dust
And you're holding me

Arm around my waist
Hand knotted in my hair
Your lips touch me
And I am gone  gone   gone

Fire and Ice
Dance across my skin
Your caress is burning me
But I am frozen
And you are thawing me

Thawing my heart
Bringing me to life
And I want you closer
So much closer
Close enough that we spark
And my heart ignites

I'm burning
Breaking
Exploding
Like fireworks
Like magick
And my colors
Are streaked across the sky

They're beautiful
And bright
Vivid
But fleeting
They last
For their own little infinity
Our forever

You
Grasped my hand
Pulled me into this new world
And here I found
Something new
Different from anything I'd had before
Family
Unlike any I've had before
Problems
Larger than I will ever be
Yet
I allowed myself to sink deeper
What I wanted was knowledge
I promised myself
After I left
That I wouldn't deny myself wisdom any longer
And that I would finally be free
To search for truth
My truth
But I lived in a world of absolutes
And when it crumbled around me
I found a new one
Opposite the old
But this
This fluid path
Of choice and spirit
Balance and unity
Flowing through me like water
Like blood
Like fire
I have to find my own way this time
No more absolutes
This universe is ever-changing
I am ever-changing
It's okay
Not to know
I can keep searching
As I always have
For what will make me happiest
What makes the most sense to me
What will bring me peace
Because that's what I want
Peace
Then
When I lay down
And think of myself
As one of you
And though
Worries
Flood my mind
That maybe
I'm not what you thought
That I could be some sort of mistake
Or not powerful enough
I can also see myself
In some distant future
Maybe in another universe
Strong and confident
Commanding and fierce
Someone who knows themselves
And the world around them
Who has perfect balance
And is calmer than I could ever be
A witch I could be proud of
And I think
Maybe
One day
I'd like that
That it might be able
To finally bring me
True
Peace

I wish
I could be strong enough
To be with you
To love you
But my whole life
I have been drowning
Drowning in guilt
Drowning in self-hatred
And now I've escaped
I've found the truth
My truth
And I threw off the guilt
Opened the curtains
Let in the light
And embraced this new person
But this new person
Still has the faults of the old
She's guilty
About new things
And about the same things
But guilty none the less
And she needs people to tell her
That it's okay
That what she wants to do is okay
And that in the end
The only thing
She should feel guilty for
Is not staying true to herself

Neon lights
In the city at night
Dark red lipstick
Painted on full lips
Dancing bodies
Writhing to the rhythm
Colorful cocktails
Sipped slowly
Piercing emerald eyes
Enchanting hearts
Meticulously manicured nails
On delicate fingers
Beckoning you

Can I talk to you
Dad
Please
Don't hate me
Don't leave me
Tears
Spill down cheeks
I fall to my knees
I'm in love with her
Hands softly
Caress my back
It's okay
I'm here
I still love you
You're still my daughter
Relief washes over me
Waves of gratitude
For the gift I've been given
The gift of approval
Approval of my love
My eyes flutter open
Realization hits me
Like a slap in the face
It wasn't real
He wouldn't let me stay
Couldn't tolerate who I am
My love is a sin
And I ask myself
Why
Is the happiest dream
I've ever had
Acceptance?