I hate you,
For when the morning rises,
After a night full of your absence,
Your memories still hover in my mind,
I hate you,
For when I see you,
I seem to go completely numb,
My lips feel like they had been sealed together,
As no sound comes out,
And slowly and unknowingly,
A smile creeps on to my face,
I hate you,
For no matter how much I drink,
Your eyes are still what I see,
In the bottles of alcohol,
I smell your presence in someone else’s arms,
In the drug of forgive and forget,
I hate you,
For saying you will come back,
Only for you to never even look over your shoulder,
To see if I was fine,
Because you knew there was something wrong,
Yet still you left me,
But I hate myself more,
For never being capable of you,
I never deserved you,
I hate myself,
For having to say I hate you,
When I actually love you.

i have anxiety
undiagnosed.

sometimes it feels like my head is stuffed with crumpled ***** of paper: the things I never said, the things I should have never said, the things that someone never said to me.

all of these things are written on every piece of paper
there are so many right now that no more would be able to fit
yet i can't stop thinking things, i can't stop saying stupid things, i can't stop wishing things.

i sigh I reach up to my forehead and i grasp my bangs
with my shaky hands and pull

i'm hoping one day when i do this
the top of my head will yank open
all of these crumpled pieces of thoughts
will pour out in a pile
on the floor
i will kneel down
and uncrumple each and every piece
i will read each one
until my head fills up again.

There was a girl that I loved,
so unconditionally.

She was as bright as a new day
bleeding through the blinds.
To my ear she was the spring flow
of a forest’s creek.
To my eyes she was a mountain’s meadowside
speckled with flowers, Alpine.
She skipped through the caverns of my mind,
She was dug deep inside.
Like shadows dancing on the wall,
I envisioned our shadows intertwined together,
slowed to a crawl.

Irresistible.

To draw myself closer to,
step by step I wandered near.
The glow of her smile; Divine.
Like the light of a higher
power empowered her.
To not draw myself closer,
I’d have been a coward.
My thoughts ran amuck,
yet in the muck
is where they flowered
like a lotus;
dreaming beautifully, yet only fantasy.
No I didn’t stop to notice.
To really look clearly.
To see that she,
didn’t feel the same for me.
I was too lost in love,
Irresistibly,

With a girl that I loved,
so unconditionally.