What if
I had fallen to my knees
On the cold parking lot concrete
Tears washing over my cheeks
And cries no one should ever have to hear
Bellowing out from beneath my ribs
Screaming at the sky
Looking up at your face
Forcing you
(and everyone else)
To see me in this godforsaken state
Of absolute chaos
Heartbreak
In it's rawest form
What if I had begged you to stay?
What if I'd told you I can't do this without you?
What if I'd told you how much I needed you
What if I did anything other than fighting back the tears
Maybe for myself, maybe for you,
Mostly for the crowd of people gathering
Saying their goodbyes
Anxiously looking around to bear witness to everyone else's reactions
And I didn't want to be that girl
That girl who falls to the ground
Kicking and screaming and crying and begging
But what if I was?
What if I was any girl other than the one I pretended to be that day
The one that held her tongue and kept her mouth shut because she knew the second she opened it to speak she would sob
The one that wrapped her arms around you for the last time,
and the one that let go
The one that couldn't bear to watch you walk away
So she kissed you goodbye
Got back in the car
And drove home
What if i wasn't that girl who didnt allow herself to completely fall apart until she was alone in the privacy of her own home?
What if instead I'd made a scene,
Doing what everything inside me so desperately wanted to
Grabbing hold of your hand and refusing to let go
Losing the facade of confidence
The charade of strength
But I'm not that girl
And I never will be
So each and every time you leave
I kiss you goodbye
I unclench my fists and retract my anchors
I untether my heart from it's human home
And I put on a brave face
Maybe for myself, maybe for you,
Or maybe
For that girl.

I don't mean to be annoying
Creating this kind of mess
When you buried me you left your shovel in my chest
When you buried me you forgot to untie my legs
How dare you when you know I love to live fast
Oh sorry for a sec I forgot I was dead

I don't mean to be annoying
But you left me in distress
This shadow we created isn't give me a rest
The way we left things black and white
Is like a snake running in and out my chest
I'll haunt you,I'll give you nightmares
Babe can't you see i'm in distress
Free me give me my freedom
So I can die a peaceful death


I don't mean to be annoying
I don't mean to cause dement
Are you sure are you sure
You didn't mean to cause my death?
You were right ghost are real
I'll be in every nightmare of yours
Free me i'll leave
Don't forget to pick your shovel from my chest
Let's erase this dark shadows causing me unrest

My mind to frolic, with words of Frost
Slides between and then is lost

Drifting ‘round to fellows long
My thirst is deep; desires strong

Filled with all that Maya says
Flits in and out my meddling head

And ah, when Pablo speaks of love
My heart's aflutter with pure white doves

Around the beat, who else but Poe
A deep dark place I've come to know

I stop to ponder the words worth
As if I've nursed them from their birth

I settle to hear the rambling brook
Where Gwendolyn baits my eager hook

Then ‘long comes Oscar, running wild
I listen like an eager child

When Langston paints his colored hues
His canvas fills my point of view

Not just the finest spinning me
To this state of flux and reverie

For verses drift from near and far
Forever reaching for the stars

Feeding on the gentle night
I languish in the word's delight

Finding rhyme from ‘neath the skin
The place where passion's settled in

To fill my cup, appease my soul
Till hunger's sated, fat and whole

The empty space behind my eyes
Is filled with life's sweet lullabies

And when at last, I lay to rest
I'm filled with cadence of the best

A series
of short puffs
from a rekindled
cigarette expertly put out
on the half
reminds you of your
fastidiousness
now you feel like **** as you look
at the wreckage site
of a desk that
is your own doing
       That is what you do.

While your ego
floats like the unmelted
coffee you put in cold water
Hardly dissolvable
to anything normal
missing anything temporal
You lash out once more
waging a war
with a nation
of thoughts
You kick the furniture
to send the dust flying
       That is what you do.

You attempt to sheathe
an intricate wound
patterned on your
knuckle, as detailed as the
dystopia of your
own human agenda that
can be trivialized by just
"I haven't been myself lately"
when somebody asks
because you're afraid
they might see
you find it
                hard
          to
  belong
Slowly, the dust resorts to settle
on the bedroom floor
       And so do you.