Sometimes i wish
i could wake up and just forget.
For one day, id like to forget...

To not have to explain why i lash out
To not have to explain why i cant trust you
To not have to explain why i see something or hear something and burst into tears
To not have to explain why when you have feelings for me, i run as far as i can.
To not have to explain why when you give me kindness, i return it with distrust.
To not have to explain why my feelings for you scare me.
To not have to explain that im still stuck in that abuse, that im trapped. Scared all the time.
To not have to explain why i have nightmares, so scared to wake up in that house again.
To not have to explain my personal ache that i cant ever escape, not even in dreams.
To not have to explain that i still remember every little thing.
Every battle fought
Every piece lost
Every tear i shed...
To not have to explain that i am a domestic abuse survivior.

You were always there for me
You may not have gotten to raise me
But i was always...
Your little girl
Im so sorry...
I was scared
I was angry
She was hurting me but i was
Ashamed
I didnt want you to see
So i said cruel things to you
I pushed you away
Because no matter what
You always saw through my facade
And the instant you looked
Me in the eyes
You knew...
But i didnt want you to know then
Because i didnt want to know

I escaped from her and
I reached out to you again
I needed you
I was so scared
Hurt
Angry
And you reached right back
Not with anger
But with all the love in the world
You had every right to hate me
But you gave me all your patience
All your love

You looked at me and told me
Baby, all i want is for you to be happy
Thats all ive ever wanted
Years of anger and pain
Melted away
I have to thank you
For your forgiveness
For your patience
And thank you for making me realize
Its never too late for a relationship ♡

You have burned me down,
But through the flames...
I am still
BREATHING
LIVING
CRYING
SCREAMING
WALKING
RUNNING
LAUGHING
ALIVE
Not matter how hard you tried to bury me…
I am still
SURVIVING
LETTING GO
FORGIVING
HEALING
GROWING
BLOSSOMING
FINDING MYSELF
BECOMING…
A different person from the person
you tried to and are still trying to…
DESTROY
CORRUPT
MANIPULATE
CRUSH
TERRIFY
BEAT DOWN
CONTROL
This is my final creed to you
I promise you I will always…
FIGHT UNTIL MY LAST BREATH
HAVE AS MUCH COURAGE AS I CAN MUSTER
BATTLE FOR WHAT IS RIGHT
PROTECT AS MANY PEOPLE AS I CAN
LOVE LIKE I ALWAYS HAVE
FORGIVE PEOPLE WHO DESERVE IT
HAVE UNENDING KINDNESS FOR PEOPLE WHO DON’T…
Like yourself.
I won’t let you take my…
KINDNESS
BRAVERY
COURAGE
LOVE
SWEETNESS
PRIDE
HUMILITY
EMPATH­Y
I refuse to give you that power
- Out of the FIRE I was born again

I’m haunted by the memories of you…
Your smile
Your RAGE
Your laughter
Your SCREAMS
Your dependability
Your CHAOS
Your sweetness
Your CRUELTY
Your love
Your HATE
Your trustworthiness
Your LIES
I remember…
I will always love you
AS LONG AS YOU LISTEN
I need you
YOU CAN’T DO THIS WITHOUT ME
I can’t breathe without you
YOU’D DIE WITHOUT ME
Your beautiful
NO ONE ELSE WILL WANT YOU NOW
Always and forever
YOU’LL NEVER ESCAPE FROM ME
- How long am I supposed to let you keep torturing me

Im still clapping
My illusionist
My performer
My phantom
But not for you
Not because,
I miss you
I ache for you
I still love you
But because
You are still performing your show
Your song and dance that others see
As your sweet innocence,
I see as your elegant performance,
If you show people your slight of hand
They never see whats happening
Behind the curtain
Pain
Abuse
Fear
But my sweet nothing
But i wont miss you
Ache for you
Love you

For how can i love someone
Who doesnt even exist?

Everyday i died.
Everyday i doubted
Everyday i felt insane
Everyday i lived in fear
Everyday i hated myself
Everyday i didnt eat... sometimes.
Everyday i bent to your will
Everyday i suffered in silence
Everyday i hated you
Everyday i couldnt take it
Everyday i thought of running
Everyday i dreamed of what it could be like
Everyday i lost my trust in everyone
Everyday no one could understand
Everyday i lost myself
Everyday i crumbled
Everyday i felt ashamed
Everyday i couldnt recognize myself anymore

BUT NOW...

Everyday i get a little stronger,
Everyday i get a little braver,
Everyday i hurt a little less,
Everyday i feel a bit more free,
Everyday i trust a bit more,
Everyday i feel a little wiser,
Everyday you control me less and less,
Everyday im a little happier,
Everyday i find myself
Everyday i feel proud
Everyday i follow my heart
Everyday i find a bit more of myself
Everyday i put back pieces you stole
Everyday i heal...
Everyday i grow...
Everyday i am reborn...
Everyday i am more me than i was before
Everyday i am thankful for what ive survived
Everyday i am alive...
Everyday i am living in spite of you.