i would rather die die die die die
than be alone

ready to burst into flames
the wretched fear resides quietly
until the threat comes alive
**** me **** me **** me
it says

my mania rises
latches onto anything it finds
she’s a crazy girl they’ve said
she’s not right in the head they’ve said
what’s going on in there? they’ve said

my mania subsides

i pull and pull and take until there is nothing to take
then i bid a kiss farewell
taking that blissful illness and flame in my hands
until it rebirths again

la forma de tus labios
cautivada
esos bonitos dedos
tan preciosos
tus labios
como la azúcar que mi cuerpo necesita
el sudor y la saliva será la agua que me alivia
ese precioso río que me arrebata
toda la angustia para conocer esos labios

its 2:36am

i ran out of my pills yesterday
took the last of 40 with my water
on a saturday morning

sunday
i wake up and lay

i stare at the ceiling for an hour
i fall asleep for another 4

when i awake
i feel empty
and emotionless

i lay in bed for 2 more hours

i finally leave my bed
and run a bath

i lay in the bath in silence
for 1 hour

thinking about nothing
thinking so much

i do my bed
wash the dishes

my chest feels hallow
my hands feel cold

the rest of the day is a daze
an apathetic blur

now i lay awake
at 2:46am
with a pain between my eyes
and a million thoughts in my head

gracias a dios
gracias a la tierra
gracias al color de mi piel
gracias a la educación
gracias a mis amigos
gracias a la familia
gracias a la muerte de la ignorancia

la vida es hermosura
facil es ver la vida oscura
y la humanidad

la tristeza
y el odio
nunca vivirá en mi

se que el mundo es fatal
reconozco la humanidad

pero entre el oscurecer se que hay luz
la luz en el amor
entre los abrazos, entre las sonrisas
entre el éxito, entre el trabajo
entre toda las corrientes de la vida

estoy triste ahora pero no vive en mi
tengo fe, siempre tengo fe

a fragmented illusion built from the schemas of my mind
every possibility, problem resolved
a beautiful home
constructed ever so carefully

until one day it ignites
and suddenly the beautiful home i built
burns to the ground
and leaves me with ashes

i fear the death of a loved one more than my own death

i can remember the small moments before hearing of someone's death

i can remember every millisecond

silence
numbness
disbelief

they're saying she killed herself
they're saying she killed herself
they're saying she killed herself

time stops in death

frozen
and
embedded
into my mind
into my life

the mental scars
i carry
a wound that never heals

when i become weary
when the storm and the tide
takes me underneath
i return to the surface
with a fresh breath of air

my only escape
has always been my memories
my memories of a lush life
of the snow falling on mountains
sliding down hills with my brother
driving along all the coasts
pacific
atlantic
the gulf of mexico
the beautiful hues of green
dancing across the car window
the sparkling dotted stars
across my the trunk of my father's car
the sandy, cobblestone steps
of all the mexican pyramids
the delicately leathered and gentle
caresses from my grandparents' hands
passing down from generation to generation
their stories and strength

the small moments
give me strength
i will be whole
once again