every word of yours
is a grip around my neck
louder
angrier
tighter

i’m losing my ability to breathe
losing my sense of me

as i lose consciousness
your grasp on my throat does not yet release
i am trapped in your voice circling me

until the divine interferes
leaving you only with fear
lending me the strength
to regain myself

i grip my pen
and ink starts to flow
removing your hand
from the tenderness of my neck
bruises show
i write
louder
angrier
healing

i'm taken back when the pill touches my tongue
cot and hospital gown
sterile smell and nurses scolding me
my father in tears
i'm gagging on antiseptic memories

you're no good man
your actions weren't simply mistakes
the only mistake made
was letting you near me
take advantage of me
hold me emotionally hostage

i let you seep into my skin
but you
you knew you were poison
you let me think differently
i was enchanted
by your apologies
the notion
that you meant well with your disease

my toes are inching toward the lake
for a moment i’m too cowardly to touch the drink
the water has been rolling towards me all the while
and it is braver than i am and so the first to make contact
the water washes over my sandy feet
my eyes are closed and for a second i am alone with my sensations
i hear seagulls above
the children laughing beside me
i can hear the water trickling, waves crashing
then something grabs me by the leg

with every innocent touch
i begin to sweat
like it’s happening
all over again

you were toxic like
infusing me with your vile touch from the inside
gripping my organs with your claws
but you made it feel like love
pain so rough bleeding felt like ******
but it was so obvious it was right there
knew you were bad and this was unfair
got addicted to the needle ***** that filled me with your love
love being
what i thought i could never have
a man who wanted me so bad
he’d cry for me beg for me die for me
your love was something i never once had but
being with you showed me what could happen
dangerous love like drinking poison because it doesn’t taste bad

i haven’t so much as looked in your eyes
but i’ve seen heaven in them already
mahogany
reflecting the divine

i’ve never once traced the outline of your lips
miles and miles between us
i can still feel your kiss

your hand is mine to hold
when his is not around
with one single click
fingers combine, intertwine
i know with you, everything will be alright