hello
old friend
haven't written
so instead
mind wanders
to the insanity
the calamity
even though
you would take care of me
it's no joke
i was a fool
letting the monsters
overpower me
mistakes were made
lavender and pain
but i decided that i would remain
hello
old friend
it's good to see you
my hand is on the pen

listen
hear the quiet rhythm
the beat, it speaks
only you can interpret
what your heart really means

fury for your force
manifests as a fist in flames
striking through your chest
grabbing you by the veins
feel my wrath
i fight back for once
releasing anger at last

if god was a woman
maybe she'd protect me
there are few lessons learned
in what has been done to me
if god was a woman
maybe she wouldn't have abandoned me
turned a blind eye to injustice
let men repeatedly take from me
maybe if god was a woman
there would be repercussions
abusers would not be able to walk free

i call upon the gods
to free me of my skin
devoured in an instant
hidden until this chrysalis unfurls
revealing itself as empty
im gone
a trick of the light?
no
they owed me a favour

stay away from the man
who makes you dance to no music
and see stars on a sunny day

he’ll make you a fool for all of his treats
promise adventure and all the sugary sweets

then watch him turn from candy, dandelions to rot and disease
lollipops and sand castles to roaches and flees

he’s the master of all puppets
you’re about to dodge a bullet

he’ll have you strung
by liquorice sticks
if he’s good at what he does
he’ll have you turning tricks

he’ll show you who he really is
slimy pool of sludge dressed in men’s clothes
he’s all exposed

before you have a chance to run
it’ll already be too late
he’ll catch you while you’re dumb

he’ll force you to ingest
his wickedness and sins
feel the sensation of needles and pins

so girl while you can
stay away from the man
who feeds you desserts from his hand
and gives you butterflies in your gut
they might just be moths

i thought it was over
the war over my skin
my body a battlefield
his desire to sin
men's hands are so greedy
his fingers soaked in me
his palms burn my body
his touch seeks all of me
but it's never enough
it's getting hard to be tough
im wounded from battle
tired of the fight
it's torture to be alive
in a state only to survive
i am sick of this
i thought it was over
all in the past
but war keeps resuming
he didn't even ask

i drive my knife into guts
bleeding out raw wounds for show and tell
my wrists split open
spewing red fluid
a scream to drown out inner soliloquy
ringing
my ears are ringing
screeches penetrate deeper than bone
i cannot contain
the degree of which your words destroy me
im coughing up bile
my guts in knots
anguish enough to devour my entirety

it’s dizzying
this clouded thinking
thoughts of
he
touched
he’s touching
touched me

i don’t want to be touched
not anymore

it’s days like these
sea glass, cool breeze
a pretty ******* the beach

it’s nights like these
fresh bed sheets, sweet nothings
smiling while we sleep

i toss my hammer into your glass
you can pick up the pieces

lost and taunted
faithlessness haunted
you are on your last breath

shards of glass
crushed beneath your hands
not only i can make you a mess

when i screamed my stomach almost came through my mouth it was so loud

i have my own relationship with suicide n sometimes the jokes speak whats within
and i mentioned i didn’t know how to swim
we were alone and if he jumped or fell i couldnt have saved him

but i ran
as fast as i could i ran
toward the ice hill he no longer stood upon

i don’t know if i made it to him first but i yelled to the shore
the volume surpassing what i previously thought was possible
but loudest just wasnt loud enough

the air around is stiff
atmosphere is still
the earth stops mid-spin
it’s happening all over again

i can hardly let out a howl
i feel him groan against my neck
i scarcely let out breath
his body leaks his stench

i am powerless against him

within my belly
lays the question of if

you are a path chosen by god
not yet revealed to me

i love you my if
i will protect you with my all
sacrifice my being for even a maybe

you were not my intention
but the idea of you is a gift

i’m willing to omit
every curse you spit
i’ll let you fester
drink you up like nectar
looking to the sky
while you poison my insides

community mourns at the news of her passing
a man caught with his hands
red with the blood of his daughter
blood may be thicker than water
but it is not what makes you a dad

i am reluctant
to face this ocean’s mass
i fear the waves of the past will devour me
if i pursue this seaside quarrel

nevertheless i persist
i must endure this passing tide
watching it rise and fall
the current washes over me

i succeed through it’s finale
after shock of Poseidon’s wrath i remain
the aftermath is serene
a sense of calm exists within me

i have survived this weaponless battle
i have attained this sense of victory

i’m craving toxic air to fill my lungs
but eerie smoke stays trapped in the underworld where it belongs

i’ve banished all bad habits to the devil’s land
i can’t count all the times i’ve flirted with satan on my hand

the hellscape down below drips with my self-drawn blood
memories of my evil ex boyfriend lie within ash and mud

at times i will collapse right onto the floor
begin to dig with my hands to reach hell’s core

i want to throw away what healing ive done and relive my decay
eventually i stop myself and with healthy habits on earth i’ll stay

with every step towards progression, we ought to look below ourselves
remember pain we’ve conquered but not get ****** back into hell

every word of yours
is a grip around my neck
louder
angrier
tighter

i’m losing my ability to breathe
losing my sense of me

as i lose consciousness
your grasp on my throat does not yet release
i am trapped in your voice circling me

until the divine interferes
leaving you only with fear
lending me the strength
to regain myself

i grip my pen
and ink starts to flow
removing your hand
from the tenderness of my neck
bruises show
i write
louder
angrier
healing

i'm taken back when the pill touches my tongue
cot and hospital gown
sterile smell and nurses scolding me
my father in tears
i'm gagging on antiseptic memories

you're no good man
your actions weren't simply mistakes
the only mistake made
was letting you near me
take advantage of me
hold me emotionally hostage

i let you seep into my skin
but you
you knew you were poison
you let me think differently
i was enchanted
by your apologies
the notion
that you meant well with your disease

my toes are inching toward the lake
for a moment i’m too cowardly to touch the drink
the water has been rolling towards me all the while
and it is braver than i am and so the first to make contact
the water washes over my sandy feet
my eyes are closed and for a second i am alone with my sensations
i hear seagulls above
the children laughing beside me
i can hear the water trickling, waves crashing
then something grabs me by the leg

with every innocent touch
i begin to sweat
like it’s happening
all over again

you were toxic like
infusing me with your vile touch from the inside
gripping my organs with your claws
but you made it feel like love
pain so rough bleeding felt like ******
but it was so obvious it was right there
knew you were bad and this was unfair
got addicted to the needle ***** that filled me with your love
love being
what i thought i could never have
a man who wanted me so bad
he’d cry for me beg for me die for me
your love was something i never once had but
being with you showed me what could happen
dangerous love like drinking poison because it doesn’t taste bad

i haven’t so much as looked in your eyes
but i’ve seen heaven in them already
mahogany
reflecting the divine

i’ve never once traced the outline of your lips
miles and miles between us
i can still feel your kiss

your hand is mine to hold
when his is not around
with one single click
fingers combine, intertwine
i know with you, everything will be alright

i put a spell on you
you salivate at the sound of my name
intoxicated by my touch
my wicked smile commands blood to course through your veins
my gaze in your direction charms you much

you have me to yourself
my smile, my eyes, my curves
i’m only for you to preserve

so lock me up in a tower
cut me off from anyone else
for those who lay eyes upon me
must suffer various hells

i’m yours and only yours
and if ever i try to escape
may you trace red lines along your wrists
hold them up to me and pray
i’ll come running to your rescue

and if i ever call someone else for help
may you threaten that if i am to do so again
you’ll make sure to bash in my head

i put a spell on you  
you crave for my flesh
you’re animalistic in your desire
my hypnotic figure puts you in a trance
my body swerves and curves and it enchants

you can’t control yourself
for i am to blame
i put a curse on you
and i should be ashamed

your cruelty begs forgiveness
you don’t know what you’re doing
if i hadn’t been so tempting
your violent thoughts would not be brewing

the sorceress within me
needs be bound by chains
for i am the one who caused
myself to be trapped with a man who inflicts upon me pain