Ten toes down. Ten fingers clinging to
the cross — but even I can admit: some
unanswered prayers leave me feeling  
so cross.

Where both the heart and mind
start to whisper —"maybe we’ve already
been crossed out from receiving blessings,"
even after giving ourselves to that same cross.

The soul isn’t an X to unconditional love —
it still holds on, trembling, but my human
nature keeps crossing out its own heart.
Unwilling to believe in the redemption that
bled for it, too caught in its own voice
to hear anything softer.

Pride’s the loudest preacher in the room.
It tells me, "you deserve it all" — as long as it's
everything I want and nothing I have to wait
for; even when I try to even the odds, I’m
reminded: human nature is always at odds
with itself.

Oblivion:
no longer seen
neither future nor past
everything is forgotten

no more reveille
sleep so profound
no song is heard
hushed is every sound

dreams have vanished
so dark is the night
the heart longs no longer
shadows banish the light

oblivion:
life's story
has been told:
dies, memory

when seasons come and go one always comes prepared
But does anybody tell you, are they ever aware?
That said seasons sometimes bring only rain
That some seasons somethings leave one drained

When your beliefs fail you, and you 2nd guess if heaven is real
That mistakes turn sour and you can't seam to heal
Certain that its better in the afterlife
But waiting impatiently cause down here doesn't suffices


That a child could bring such joy and remind us of home
That those golden clouds were where we used to play
Before we had to atone, sin and and eyes covered in foam
So happily depressed you don't even move out the way
When the wheels of life drive right towards you


Apologies if it seems I left you high and dry
But my own sins made me pay in extreme ways
Misunderstandings and be comings
One wonders if I ran from circumstance

Tuck your brothers in at night child, stay with hope of heaven
And continue in believing and serving
You are a child I met in the summer sun, inspiring and driving
Me to see God and plead for forgiveness and a daughter of that liking
But is it them or myself I'm spiting? By biting(my tongue), fighting (my morals) and Inviting (my demons).

Forgive your mistakes, they know not what they've done to you
Go on to be wonderful, and Know that Jesus Loves you

Old song, new seat,
up another gauge.

Open palm, right cheek,
the same rage.

Undereyes are ultravi-
briny lies or
welts of shame
gnawing from the inside.

Catch her in the alley
sparking up at night.
Mulling over what she said,
can never keep it light.

Five years, no change,
some new phase.

A new place, the same pain,
the same waste.

What do I want? The meaning, I guess.
But only such as can fill me whole,
All my gaps and all my holes.
Yes, I want such meaning, I guess.

What else, you ask me? Freedom, I guess.
Where I won’t be in the grips,
Where the pain won’t throb in my temples.
Yes, I want such freedom, I guess.

What do I dream of? Silence, I guess.
No sounds, no creaks, no rustles at all,
A calm pulse and the air in whole.
Yes, I dream of such silence, I guess.

Out in the darkest corners
And in the rush of people,
Among the tyrants and sinners,
Confusion and fear,
There I am.
With sleeves coming down to the floor,
Pants that fit my father,
A hat that would cover my whole head.
There I was.
Remembering my kin
And my home,
And the promises made by them
About the joys that would come to me once I left
They had no value.
It was like a lie.
What was I to do in a place of no order,
Where everything I had to do was new?
Where peace and calm never dawned upon me,
And my shoulders would be heavy with the weight of my life,
And my heart would be struck by an anxious blade.
There, I was.
So I held onto to the sweet voice in my head,
And step by step I made it to my bed
Small and hopeless,
While I was supposed to be strong.
There my mother came,
And held me for a while
While her hair brushed against my arm,
And her diamond eyes let tears fall,
Drops of pain that showed me love
And I cried too.
Everything began to disappear,
and silence overtook the chaos,
I felt the strongest in the arms of my mother
And I felt no shame.
There I was,
There, I am.
And there I will be