the parts of me that i hide from most people are the parts i need you to see
see me needy, desperate, scared
see me holding onto you like i'm afraid you'll float away if i let go
see me at your feet, see me curled against you, see me needing your affection like i need oxygen
i am not simple, i am not easy, i am not low maintenance
i am not indestructible, i am not strong
i need you to see me needing you
i need you to understand
because i'm not good at asking
but i need the reassurance
i need you to want me for me
i need you to need me because i need you
i need you to hold me please just hold me
tell me you're never gonna leave me tell me you want me tell me i'm good
i will sing your praises forever my angel but please
i need you to see this
i need you to see me

petty taunting thoughts-
you were wrong , you were wrong!
silly selfish little thing,
what did you expect?
vain, greedy child.
you don't deserve so much.

i used to be so sure of what i wanted
and you know i'd still jump at adventure
but **** ******* i just want love
i'd go against my nature, settle down
to have a familiar pair of arms to come home to
even if that home is rooted in stone
and i never get my chance to roam
**** ******* i'd give it up
to be with you for good in love

I'm so exhausted of trying to stand on ground that constantly trembles,
shakes with tremors like my hands
like when I'm anxious
like when I think of you
I'm so exhausted and my legs are about to give out
I am crying, clutching onto anything I can for balance
and the earthquake grumbles to me
says to give up
says I was always going to fall through the cracks

I will pick myself up off the floor
With sharpened teeth
I will shake
It's not exactly "brushing the dust off"
More like a punishment for feeling and acting out and breathing in someone else's space
I have holes in my neck and my back and my heart
Times I have stabbed myself, times others have stabbed me
Times I have thrashed my own body around, locked jaw and sharpened teeth
No one around cares to encourage me
So I have learned to punish me
Though I never seem to stand when I drop myself back on my feet
No one taught me gentle touches
But I know how to use my teeth

I will tell myself not to trust you
As my heart silently takes your every word as a promise.
Every promise ever made to me
Has been broken
But I fall back to your arms
And still feel shock when I hit the floor and pain shoots through my body.
I will lock myself to you and give you the key,
Trusting you to treat me kindly
And you will cut off my hand instead of opening the lock.
I will cry as I make the same mistake with the next person who lets me show them my heart.
I will give a piece of myself to you and as I watch you with wide, trusting eyes
You will hold it in front of me and rip it apart,
Too many pieces to repair, leaving me less than the start.
A new soul comes along and tilts my head up by the chin,
Telling my not to cry through their fake-honest grin.
I will tell myself not to trust,
But I know my heart will take every word as a promise.
I will shatter as I hit the floor,
Giving away my pieces until there's no more.

look at a pig
(the resemblance is striking)

i came into this world kicking and screaming,
but ever since then i've been dreaming.
i think i'd rather keep my eyes closed.
i think i'd rather sink right down into the earth.
it's actually rather comfortable in the dirt.
i feel at home laying in a field,
somewhere where the world feels real
and things make sense
and things are quiet.
i can listen to the birds and rest a while.
it's so hard to get any rest out here,
the lights are too bright and my blood roars in my ears.
i want to go back home where we all came from,
find an open field somewhere
and maybe i'll rot and maybe i'll starve but by god i'll be happy,
i'll be free,
and maybe somewhere out there i'll find me.
i think i'm lost in all the sound, i think i get lost in translation
i think the world is just too loud and we're so caught up in ourselves we forget to breathe
i feel like i've forgotten how to breathe
i want to find a place where i can breathe

We play our game
Electric connection, power lines for veins
I'm on my knees, I'm at your feet
You can walk all over me,
I'll be your footstool, your side table,
I don't care,
I'll do anything for your attention
Throw love and money and gifts your way
Show you art, writing, anything for praise
Dedicate a thousand songs to the memories
I'm such a sucker
You're not even playing me
I'm playing myself
This is solitaire
Some ****** card game and I don't have the right hand
I'm chasing my tail to amuse you
Make a million excuses just to talk to you
Drink up your one-word answers
It's my own fault, really
This isn't "our" game, it's my problem
Imprinting and holding so tightly,
Desperate to have you by my side
So you're my star, my angel –
When will I cut the ****?
This isn't healthy
I shatter every time you get bored of me
Crumble before your eyes like my spine just left my body
Too afraid to tell you that it's killing me
Because you're here, now, and I'm so scared to lose you permanently
At least when I play my game you come back to me
*(I don't blame you
All I ask is please
Don't say anything
You don't really mean)

Did you know you smell like home?
I can't really describe it any other way,
It's something so you,
And sometimes I'll catch it in the air and remember nights spent in your basement and my backyard and our endless kingdom.
I wonder if it's normal to recognize scents,
Not too unlike the warm and sweet air in the kitchen where cookies are baking
Except I always feel a little bad
Because i haven't quite convinced myself it's okay to love you this much.

And do you notice
The weight that fills the silence
When i take too long to send a short reply with any simple message?
It takes a lot for me to stop
To keep a clear head
If I don't focus I might slip up and call you baby
Darling, sweet, my love

Gotta get it into my thick skull somehow
You are not my love
You are not my love
You are not my love
And you are not my home
I backspace, can't call you baby
I know, I know
It's too much
I'm sorry

I will spend all day reading poetry books
Like somehow the words will snake into my skin
Like this will speed up the process of learning to articulate my racing thoughts
I will read and read and read
Pretending that I can absorb art
Just as quickly and restlessly
As I put it out into the world

imagine if you were born at the beginning of time
imagine if you had the whole beautiful world placed in your hands like soft clay, ready to and waiting to be molded
imagine that you were the first domino to tip, the beginning of the chain reaction

i think about this a lot
i think about the big beautiful world in all its glory
i think about the big beautiful world and what we've done to it

imagine that you could look up at night and see the stars before light pollution, before air pollution
imagine that you could see every animal that has since gone extinct
imagine every life and every glimmer in your hands, watch them die faster than you can keep track of
would you do anything, everything to prevent it?

we are just here
we are just... here
we created society and money and the concept of purpose
hand to the throat, grip tight, contribute to society
you owe corporations for the air you breathe
it is up to me to decide if you are worth basic necessity
burden
free-loader

imagine
you could just
live

I will dye my hair red and blue and bright neon green
Tattoo flower petals over my scars
Rip up the flooring
To every house and every apartment
and every run down trailer I've ever lived in
Anything
Anything
To feel whole
And alive
I will reinvent myself
I will forget my name

got me a little crazy
'cause this is crazy, right?
you make my whole soul light up
i think there's flowers growing in my chest
i'm a little bit scared
you say you won't get sick of me
and i think you mean it but i know i'm overwhelming
but you seem to get me
and i feel this swell in my being
like you can just lift me
i was digging my own grave
now i'm sitting here laughing
and loving you far too soon
and my stomach is turning
i think i'll let this garden grow
if you'll water it with me
but baby forgive the nightmares
i'm just so afraid you'll see
i'm a mess that you can't handle
i'm so afraid you'll leave

Head ache, heart ache
My body tries to make up for my lack of feeling with pain
Reminding me that I am alive
But I don't feel alive
Sitting still 7 hours a day
All my art has fled my system, all of my words have fled my brain
Show me how to breathe in stale air and still exhale creation

One day when we're older
You'll probably be a doctor or a nurse
And I'll still be drawing cartoons
And wishing I could travel the earth
You'll be smarter, you'll be mature
I'll be sitting in my room
I will likely always be this way
We may grow out of tune
I'm not lying when I say I love you
But I'm afraid to promise you forever
I think that in the future
I'll be stagnant, but you'll be better
And we'll look back on today
And we'll wonder what has changed
But the question's not what changed, it's what didn't

I ignore the lingering feeling of loss when I see your face, when we chatter away like nothing ever changed, when the echos of your laughter play in my head again
I ignore the feeling until someone lays it out in front of me in perfect words,
Heart-shattering reminder.
Even then,
You weren't really mine.
You have always been a bird in wide skies and I do want to see you fly
But I am flightless.
Reminder-
We must grow from our past
Not run back to it.
Nostalgia can be such a sweet-tasting poison.
I feel it eat away at me now.

there's a pretty hole within me
there's candy, sweets inside
on edges made of sugar crystals
shards and sharp corners hide
there's a rotting hole within me
it's dark and growing wide
it smells like cherry filling
the air can get you high
dependency like poison
a cold and gaping need
can be strangely alluring
it plays cruel tricks on me
say darling, don't you love me?
say baby, you're my need
say please don't look too close, dear
screaming please, love, don't you leave

It is the beginning of June and I am alone again
Sitting in my bedroom wishing I was anywhere else
And I could use a little magic, a little adventure
A little bit of the way things were back before I moved and everything changed and everything drifted
A little bit of Arizona heat and tired legs
Walk all over creation, push you in a shopping cart
I've gone so pale since I moved here, I hardly get out in the sun
It's not the same without Candlelight Park and my favorite tree and the familiar streets and you
My best friends, oh god my best best friends
I miss that and I miss there and miss us
And time keeps barreling forward
And you're somewhere, not beside me
And my voice is lost somewhere in Colorado

Someday I hope I get to the point where I can be alone for a full twenty four hours without thick syrup flooding my chest, weighing down my heart
It hasn't been a full day and I can feel the overflow as it climbs higher in my throat and chokes me
I sputter for breath, burrow deep in my blankets, and try to escape the lonely

im doing it again and i crumble
take it, take it, take all of me
throw my heart at you, pour out my being
i try to reclaim myself with distance but only succeed in isolation
i say "i can't do this" like this is my purpose
like i am nothing more but a resource to give with no source to replenish
i hang onto the tiny fractured pieces of myself and constantly get cut on the shards
i make promises like a death sentence
i say "i can't do this" and crawl back into my cell away from everything i need because
i am needed
needed and given and taken and used up
and i need
but when i need i am grovelling, overflowing, and still trying to give with nothing left of me
somewhere along the way i convinced myself that i need to be needed
but i've been serving purpose all along
i exhaust myself with being needed, with putting myself forward even when i am not asked for
i need to be able to need
i drain myself dry of affection, passion, compassion
i will not eat for days, i will wear my binder for days straight
i will put everything away for you like a guardian
like i could ever be anything but a broken thing with a mask
trying to fluff up my chest to seem large enough to take care of anyone who needs me
i have been walking on broken legs and i think they healed wrong
i have been tearing out the same stitches over and over again, bending over backwards, contorting myself
i am so afraid to speak in anything but metaphor because i don't want to shatter this, show my underbelly, cave in to my own weakness
i don't want to say i need more than this, that is how i get broken, that i how i am discarded
i don't want to show my marred skin and remind you that i am bleeding, too
i don't want to be anything but a shelter for you
i will continue you to tear myself apart in chunks, crying
take it, take it, take all of me

if time keeps bringing us back together
lifetime after lifetime like you say
then time just must be out to **** me
cause oh god, you break my heart

hey, so,
are we cool?
ive written this before,
written confessions about the meaning behind it.
hey,
are we still close?
because you mean the world to me, id pull the moon out of the sky for you, do anything for you,
and i think at some point you felt that way too
except im not too sure
you've never been great at showing it
and even then
it doesn't matter anymore.
hey, like,
not to sound irrational
(i am)
but are you sick of me?
because everyone is eventually, and it's okay,
ive seen this coming
but if you're gonna shoot me
just do it already.
uh... hey.
i love you.
...but are we cool?

I promise
I'll try
to reprogram myself
not to love you anymore,
but i don't know where we stand,
or what's allowed,
or what will push you further away from me,
so tell me what to feel.
ive always said id do anything for you.
say the words,
I'll turn away,
but tell me how it's gotta be
because i don't know if i can keep it up,
loving you wholeheartedly, halfway,
putting all my effort into repression, uncertainty,
only honest when i spill my soul into words you don't read -
you won't read this.
listen.
i love you to the very tips of my fingers
but i don't know if it's okay anymore-
just, please.
tell me what to feel.

hold me close
precious thing
breathe me in
like fresh air
something that you've missed for years
something that you need
hold me close
hold me tight
tell me that I'm beautiful

lie to me

there's a sour taste in my mouth as i read
i bite my cheek hard, flood it with iron
i'm used to the way blood tastes
i shut off to the uncertainty
none of this really matters
you do not think of me

how come the people who hurt us were so close
and you're so ******* far away?
i danced with the devil in the city
but i just wanna hold your hand
we don't need any music if we've got each other, and i don't need to dance
i just want you close to me
the one good thing,
my darling understanding
i just want you close to me
but you're somewhere by the coast
and i'm stuck here in the middle
demons can sun with me by the poolside
i have held my manipulators close
but i can't look you in the eyes without cameras and screens between
and the world seems to be laughing

The heavy, dark Lonely sinks into my skin again,
As it always does this time of night.
I don't even try to sleep, I know my thoughts will win the fight.
I'm always kept awake by my overactive mind,
And the ache in my chest gets stronger with the time.
The Lonely manifests in physical pain,
Double-teaming my body and my brain.
I want to spill my ink,
I don't want to rhyme,
I want to break my ukulele's bridge and burn every page of my sketchbooks,
Because no matter how I try to show people my heart
They shrug me aside—
And I know I'm not wondrous at art,
But I could write you a symphony if you'd just let me
Lay my head against your chest and listen to your heart beat.
I'd sing for you forever, at that tempo, about that safety.
I swear to god I'd worship you if you could somehow **** my Lonely.

I am afraid to sleep tonight
While the hands hold to my mind
While the cold embraces me
While he waits to haunt my dreams
And every eye that burns my body
is Wide Open
Staring
Waiting

I cannot bring you into my world by any form of art.
This haunts me.
I cannot make you see my point of view, perfect sketch in point perspective, through pencil lines or paragraphs.
This wounds me.
I cannot make you understand that I am timidly, delicately passing my heart into your hands, so you do not know to treat it gently,
And this kills me.

sign to me your letters clearly
i keep trip,trip-tripping on words
my dyslexia must be confusing me
i don't know what you said and what i inferred
tell me something honest
bold like our stars used to be
i cannot ask the question
but would you answer it for me?
seal it up and send it
watch the paper airplane fly
as you drink sicksweet nostalgia
as i not to choke on mine

I am not getting high in the basement with the best friends of my life
Or standing in the back a pickup truck, arms outstretched in a million lights
I am not throwing popcorn or laughing or smiling or feeling
I am crumbling and everything is wrong
So wrong
We are supposed to be living and loving and dreaming and feeling "infinite"
We are supposed to come back from our hospital beds stronger
But I am locked up in my room in the dark and it's 3 am so if this is where I should be then why does it feel so ******* lonely
I want to laugh so hard my stomach hurts
I want to listen to music too loud in the passengers seat
If nothing else I want to talk to someone other than my mother and my therapist today
I want to live I want to live I want to live

you're safe you're safe oh god thank god
i haven't seen a word from you since the day you hated me
i was so afraid, my dear, that i'd killed you in trying to keep you safe
but even though i didn't Lose you
i've lost you just the same
you feel that i betrayed you
and i don't know how to make it okay

I miss you
Your warm existence
The way I could read you
Know your genuine smiles
I miss you
But I don't miss the anger
I don't miss you screaming at me
For not letting you die
I don't miss the blame
I don't miss the fear
But I hope you're okay
Still wish you were here
I will be here if you need me
Though I know this will just hurt me

I have told myself I cannot die until I meet Savannah
And walk her streets, feel her sand beneath my feet,
Tour the town I've only dreamt of.
Someone carved "LOVE HAPPENS HERE."
On a wooden pole at the dock
And I am determined to find the spot.
I have told myself I cannot die until I trace my fingertips over every splintered dot.
It may sound strange or silly
Saying "I cannot die until"
And placing my life in a town I've never met,
But I believe dear Savannah
Is where I need to be
To finally breathe and laugh and feel alive at.

an odd age
i'm caught in this inbetween
looking back at things that seem to be an eternity ago
staring into the future, where i've yet to go
and i've come so far, and i've got miles ahead of me
and i'm one step forward, two steps back, dancing on the path
uncertain and sure and fearless and afraid
running forward, bold and blind,
shrinking back a ways
trying to cling to, yet shake off my past
trying to slow down, but still live life fast
this strange imbalance
don't want to rush, don't want to drag,
wanna live, not dwell, but i don't wanna miss it
i want to make memories, have fun with friends by my side,
i want to cherish these moments,
but if i think too much, they'll slip by,
and I'm so afraid of every laugh line I'll miss
But so ready for the opportunities.

hard of hearing
bleeding out
taking pills
in excess
hearing voices
seeing things
unreal sounds
playing games
different face,
different name,
different hair,
never the same
afraid of stale water
afraid of change
keeping distance
finding blame
i'm sure some of it is true
i'm not a good storyteller after all
just a chameleon
self defense mechanism
stumbling through all the fog
when i was little i changed myself every time we moved away
i had determined that life was a game and i just had a bad hand to play
i learned how from a very young age to start bluffing and counting cards
when your identity is molded from ways to avoid pain you start to forget who are
don't raise your voice here
2 parts delusions 3 parts fear
please believe me, i love you
please believe me i do
please believe me i'm drowning
you don't believe me, do you?

meet me at the corner like we're naïve again
before we were afraid of the dark and would rule night, again
let me climb over your wall and tap on your window
let's go run our kingdom
when the town is sleeping, we own them
the two of us, princes:
reckless and brave,
too mischievous and star-eyed
to be told to behave

you, my love, a universe all your own, stars and impossibilities
you, my sun, with a smile like no other, genuine and glowing
the way your eyes can be a gentle gray, a midday sky, a dark ocean in the low light
from the lightest of freckles that dust your face, star, you are beautiful
it's the way your soul shines right through you
light pouring out your very being like sunday morning blinds
this is the way i see you
in those little idle moments

it strikes me in these lonely hours of night
everything you are
and the burning fear
of how little i am to compare

i remember thinking you were beautiful
(you have always been)

i was so in love with you back then

(and sometimes the memories are tinted with questions)

you gave me a soft white jacket and i wore it every day so i wouldn't feel alone

when you broke me i threw that necklace into the street by our corner and i regret it to this day

i think i'd still wear it if i still had it

i'm terrified of forgetting and i'm terrified of letting go because i'm terrified that this will always have been the best time of my life
and i don't want to lose it
and i don't want to lose you

i think i'll always love you a little bit

i think my life would be much better if you were still a part of it

i still daydream
about running away
and having adventures
and never growing up

maybe our happily-ever-after
is that we reconnected after everything
after you hurt me and i scorned you
we came back to each other like
we were one another's boomerangs
finally coming back around after bring thrown away.
(i wish our story ended
a little more like a fairy tale
with us back in each other's arms
proclaiming the other home
but, my love, our lives have never been
that simple
or that sweet,
have they?)