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wren cole Dec 2016
&
when will my mind stop force feeding me thoughts like poison
like 'im not worth your time'?
when will i mature enough to leave all that behind?
im not sure ill ever ever take a step free of this tether
my mind keeps me ******* here alone
trapped in thoughts, i'm on my own
wren cole Jun 2016
How dare the world keep turning.
Can't it see we're still mourning?
I am still stood still with shock,
Still shaking,
My heart still racing.
Still so soon, 50 other hearts stopped.
If this world keeps turning, revolving as normal
Then I fear that the sun may set and rise and bring us tomorrow.
A new day. How many hearts will stop?
How many hearts will be stopped?
The world keeps turning without a thought
Of the panicked, the broken, the shaking, the shot.
wren cole Mar 2017
don't have a second to waste,
projects piling up around me.
it's that time of the year I guess –
busy busy busy –
but it's good,
less time to think,
less time to dwell,
and I'm determined to stop dwelling,
start living,
taking in the air around me, fresh or not,
breathing it like I'm addicted.
start smiling,
because I've got my headphones and my sketchbook and that's all i need.
all i have to do is stop waiting for more,
stop waiting for the world to catch up with my thoughts and give me something new.
im so in love with adventure that i waste my time pining over it
instead of going out and finding it.
i wanna make every day an adventure.
learn a new word, listen to a new song, find a new fleck of color in your eyes.
i wanna laugh without feeling ashamed and love my friends like they deserve.
ive got projects piling up around me
and i think
this could be a new day,
so im pressing start.
let's go.
1/2
wren cole Jun 2017
1/2
when you cut me
I bleed candy
let you walk all over me
repeating I love you I love you I love you
gooey bright pink on the pavement
bubblegum bruises
sugar sweet scars
I will do anything, anything, anything not to lose you
I will rot your teeth
wren cole Mar 2017
Over 18,100 words
Have not been enough to teach me
That you cannot force unwilling feeling into words
Lightning can't always become poetry
I am angry
And it lives inside me
Refusing to leave
My tired bones alone
wren cole Nov 2016
I wish I never borrowed in another's arms and called that Home
Maybe then it wouldn't be so hard a task to sleep Alone
I think maybe loneliness and inadequacy would feel less heavy if I'd never fallen asleep to warmth and safety and slow stolen kisses
2/2
wren cole Jun 2017
2/2
when you hurt me
I spit venom
Make myself a barrier
Of vines and thorns and roses
I will burn bright, neon anger
Passion poison
Callous caution
I will shut down, shut off, shut you out, anything to get away
I won't be hurt again
I don't like it as much as the first part but I wanted to show the contrast in things
365
wren cole Feb 2017
365
i don't want a valentine
i want all-the-time
i want midnight late night laughing too hard to go to sleep
i don't want some gesture card
i want to touch your heart
let me breathe my intensity your way without you running away
hold my hand in the long dark hallways
i want your love forever and always
wren cole Feb 2018
it makes me sad to think
we'll never be that way again
and we'll never be how we could be
even though we could be

don't mistake my longing for a lack of appreciation
i am so blessed to have you here with me
friends, close as ever, despite everything
but i can just see it
singing with you in the kitchen
random hours of the night
early 2000s hits
dancing like the goofballs we are

i want that with you
but you don't want it with me

and that's okay
but **** if it doesn't hurt
wren cole May 2016
Harsh words whispered across my aching, tired body
Weighing, tying me down
Ebbing away my precious supply of energy
Until I can only stare blankly at the texture of my ceiling
wren cole May 2016
I had a dream about us last night.
We went to the movies and bickered about snacks,
It was almost like a normal day
Except we were on the bus instead of the backseat of my mom's car
And you could still look at me without disgust in your eyes.
Get out of my head, please.
It hurts too much.
wren cole Feb 2018
if i am a tornado in your shelter
a storm behind these walls it is
the corner you have backed me in
the pain of wings you've clipped it is
the voice that you have silenced
as it rises into screams it is
this earthquake of a person
from fault lines you made deep

you cannot back the cat into the corner
and cry out when it shows claws
you cannot raise a child by simply pointing out their flaws
and you cannot box a natural disaster
and expect it to stay
you name me rolling thunder yet condemn the role i play
you've backed me in this corner
see static on my spine
you keep calling out for order
yet continue to cross the line
wren cole Nov 2016
Something sick, unfair inside me says please love me
Says think of me, talk to me, write for me
Says I need you like oxygen so tell me you need me too
And it happens around the same time of night, ever night
Something sick, unfair awakens
And the whispers grow louder
And *I wish I'd just die
wren cole Jul 2016
pretty
delicate
you could run your fingers through my hair and ignore the way it falls out
beautiful
porcelain
my naturally tan skin milky white, hollowed cheeks and hollow eyes
hold me
love me
it's all ive ever wanted and id die to be worth it
watch me
**** me
i have always wanted to die young so i don't have to lose anyone
I hate myself a lot!!
Also it's pretty ****** up that I feel like I need to hold myself to feminine standards of beauty even tho I don't identify as a girl????? **** me
wren cole May 2016
I've fallen in love
3 times in my life.
The first time,
He was a long-time friend with ever-changing hair and river eyes
And I wasn't afraid of the dark around him.
I knew
I loved him
And I wasn't
Afraid.
(Months later,
He taught me fear in love
When he told me
He hadn't been in the whole time.)
The second time,
She was a bright new adventure who had a way with words and a patience I'd never encountered before.
I knew I loved her
When her eyelashes caught the sunlight
And I wanted to lay by the pool side
And sleep away the summer with her.
I
Was
So
Afraid.
(Months later,
She proved me right.
Her patience broke.
Now she calls me Cancer.)
The third time,
They caught me by surprise,
Because it'd always taken me so long to fall before.
They made it easy,
They surrounded me with safety
In the form of a warm pair of arms.
I didn't know,
Too afraid to realize,
Or to say.
(Not too long later,
They told me they wanted someone
Who could love them as fast.
I was so afraid to repeat
That I caused a repeat of the past.)
I've fallen in love
3 times in my life
And I've never
Learned
How
To
Fall
Out.
Pretend it's poetry. I just needed to spill some thoughts.
wren cole Mar 2017
so the question is
will you miss me
and all the mess i make?
i know i expect too much.
i really wished for the warmest of welcomes.
i leave
with
the most bittersweet of goodbyes
knowing not
if i'll return,
and if i do
if it will matter?
there sits that question-
will you miss me,
or did my return
destroy the nostalgia:
the thin thread
connecting you and me.
we are not magic
wren cole Jun 2016
Brutal reminders that nothing is assured have stirred in me the desire to assure those I love that I love them dearly and let them know just how much they mean to me.
And maybe it isn't accurate to say that "nothing" is assured because I can assure you that I love you, I love you, I love you.

To my moon with big blue eyes who spent countless hours by my side:
You remind me of safety and warmth and the feeling of living, you have been there when I've cried.
You remind me of music and soft things and book stores.
You have been a precious friend and every day I miss you more.

To my sun who I don't always see but always come back to eventually,
I know you're not comfortable with these types of touchy-feely things, emotional dedications, suffocating affections
But you are my oldest and dearest friend
And it'd be like leaving my heart at home to leave you out or squeeze it in at the end.
I grew up with you, laughed with you, stayed up secretly all night with you
And so many nostalgic memories bring me right back around to you.
You have been a home to me when I've felt lost and without direction and it breaks my heart that we seem to be losing our connection.
I love you till forever and forever even more.
I'll be here until whenever, I'll leave the light on by the door.

To my somewhat-soulmate and my Sky,
You are my safe place and my star.
I'm so glad we've come so far to the place where we are.
I have to say that part of me will always regret not being quite what you wanted or needed, and yet,
You are my closest friend, the one I confide in.
You are someone I know I can trust to cry on or to hide in.
I am convinced we are soulmates in some way ,
Kindred spirits, if you'd like.
A string of fate and friendship connects you and me
And I hope it doesn't come undone, ever,
Or at least for a very very very long time.
I want time to watch you grow,
I want to be there when you shine.

This isn't very poetic at all,
It doesn't have much rhythm or flow,
But I wrote it with a lot of feeling
And I hope that it shows.
I love you three to bits and pieces,
And regardless of if we're near or far,
You'll have a room in my heart, light on in welcome and door ajar.
This is awfully written ahhhh
I hope it gets my heart across either way
wren cole Jul 2017
things were so simple but then they got messy
i couldn't stop screaming
you covered your ears, then you left me
and i miss you so much some times it feels like im dying
and sometimes i'd rather than live a life without you beside me
remember the times we had? remember how perfectly we fit?
you were my everything
the guiding star to my ship
and i loved you loved you loved you
i look back at the days when we were everything
but it all got so messy

things were so simple then
wren cole Nov 2016
just look me in the eyes one more time
stop running from it
look me in the eyes, say the words out loud
"i know i hurt you."
you don't even have to say sorry
you don't even have to cry
wren cole May 2016
Yes I've taken my pills but they cannot tame
The violent thoughts that rattle my brain
There is no cure for the pressing desire
To know the taste of the barrel of a gun and retire
Some of my ills are the chemical kind
But worse are the demons inside of my mind
And therapy has never worked for me,
I fear it never will
And that I will live out all my life
Insurmountably ill
wren cole Jul 2016
I am Almost the one you love
I am Never quite enough
I am Almost just a friend
I am Never sure where to stand
You will Always have my heart
You will Never try again, restart
dear sky,
wren cole Jul 2016
A disinterested tone of voice leaves me with my racing thoughts
I could write a book on how to overreact to things which don't even demand a reaction
I'm afraid of people playing games with me
I'm afraid now that I've shown my heart you'll get bored of me and leave
I am easily forgotten, the whispers remind me again
I turn over, try not to panic, pull the covers over my head
wren cole Oct 2016
the thought of you
forms ice crystals in my lungs
and it's hard to breathe again
i don't think i'll ever be okay
wren cole Aug 2016
You've forgotten me
And I am truly abandoned
In your eyes
I've disappeared
It's not hard, really
I'm invisible
It's one of my little magic tricks
Like hiding my tears with silence
And laughing when I'm torn
wren cole Oct 2016
sometimes i want to be proven wrong
sometimes i'm selfish
sometimes i'm twisted
i know i don't deserve it
i know i don't deserve it
wren cole Jul 2016
Sitting here
I contemplate taking the razor to my stomach
Trying to carve away all of this
Trying to escape my body
In reality
I know they'd say it was suicide
But I only want to be
Everything I'm not
I only want to be
Beautiful
wren cole Feb 2018
there are nights when you feel more trainwreck than person and far too many reasons why to count
and your brain is an old house held together by spiderwebs
they cling to the corners with the dust that spurs your allergies
but you can just take medicine for that
this, this is different,
you can feel the collision,
you know you're headed straight for it top speed because you're running from a past you didn't choose, from a past that haunts you, from the fact that you never had the chance
and it's chasing, grabbing for your ankles while you pray you don't trip
praying you don't slow down
but this house in your head is heavy
and the voice rings out what now? but it's not that easy, see, because when you're not good enough for your mother it's because your just like your father like you swore you'd never be, and the anger that follow says you could be worse, you could be your brother, you could be the monster under your bed and in your closet dripping poison and ***** hands, you could be the anger that swells in your chest, electric, chaotic, burning, building, suffocating,
you could be so much worse, you could be everything they see you to be, you could be the thunder and the lightning and the gun that goes off, you could be darkness that festers in the corner, but then again, aren't you?
you could be the dead body she fears to find, the 911 call, the nightmare, the inevitability,
but then again, aren't you?
accelerating to the point of contact, hit the wall, hit the wall, we're all waiting for the fire
one swipe catches your heel from You Never Had A Chance,
and you're stumbling
and it overtakes you, all at once
the web always links one thing to another and you're overtaken,
and all this
from a raised voice
wren cole Jul 2016
i'm afraid
we
never
made
sense
don't call me back
i'll break my own heart again
don't look me in the eyes
i don't wanna fall again
i very much want to be alone
for the rest of my cursed life
wren cole Aug 2016
Razors and craft knives
Pictures of withering people
Cigarettes and alcohol and you

Your voice lilts dangerously
Your way with words is deadly
Drawing me back in to
LOVE YOU HATE YOU LOVE YOU HATE ME
Dropping too fast to follow with your
(beautiful, hazel, misleading)
eyes
Thanks for the hit
I needed the poison
wren cole Nov 2018
i hope that one day i stop stuttering, that i become good enough with words to do justice to your love,
to the way you wrap me in your arms on a daily basis, even so far away
i hope that one day i can tell you that you are an oasis in the desert, a warm blanket in the winter in a way that is less cliche
you are so much more than "roses are red", than all my tired metaphors
i am stupid in awe of you, it's like the english language leaves my head,
or maybe it was never really equipped in the first place
to describe
the exhilarating, calming, comfortable riot of your love
so i just stumble over simple phrases,
i just say over and over again, you are the sun, you are the sun, you are the sun,
i cannot quite describe how caught up i am in your gravity
i just ramble on, i say
you are my person, you are my safe place, you are my favorite song
flipping through dictionaries and thesauruses
i don't think i will ever have the words to describe you, to verbalize what you mean to me
but i'll happily spend my life by your side trying
wren cole Jun 2016
I count up the artificial things in my life and cannot stop the sigh that passes my lips as I include myself in the endless list.
wren cole Oct 2016
I don't wanna write anymore
Don't wanna draw anymore
Don't wanna sing anymore
Don't wanna breathe anymore
When I was little they said I was wonderful at all these things
(Except for one
You can blame my dad who trashed my lungs)
And I
Being the budding flower of future disaster
Shaped myself around these things
I branded myself ART KID
I spent hours drawing the individual scales of fierce crayon dragons
I wanted to write and illustrate my own books
But when you get older you read Fitzgerald
When you get older you visit art museums
I can recognize a Rembrandt painting from across a hall so it's easy enough to recognize trash when I see it
Crumpled paper ***** lay scattered around my bedroom floor, my wastebin is full with wasted dreams and how did they ever let me think I could be worth something?
I guess I had potential
So they weren't really lying
But it hurts
You walk around in massive shoes expecting to grow into them but you just get blisters from the friction
I don't fit into this mold but I built it myself so why not?
It hurts
When you're used to the sun then suddenly night comes and you have to invent the lightbulb
But it was always there before
And now it's just gone
Like moments, like people, like potential
So where do we go from here?
wren cole Sep 2017
I often feel like the means to an ending
Filling in the blank, the wrong word with the right amount of letters
A shoulder to lean on, tremble though I may
And weak as I may be
I will slide easily into character
I will do my best to be everything you need
But what you need may never really be me
i know this is just my anxiety and past abandonment speaking i know it is but it still feels ****** and exhausting
wren cole May 2016
you called me baby, and
i started crying again
because i wish you were here
i know in your arms my demons wouldn't stand a chance
once again i find myself wishing
i could've been everything you needed
and that I could've found the courage to say
i love you a million times over
because it's true, baby, it's true
wren cole Jan 2017
i want to go through and clean things up
scrub the blood off the walls
clear the smell of rust and loneliness from the air
i am not the intelligent author of prose, no,
but the emotional rambler with a vocabulary made up of
screams and metaphors
i want to bare my soul
to you, who may actually understand what it means to be bare
but i fear we don't speak the same language
every word i write
every entry laced with desperation
and yours, introspection
i am too self-critical to be self-aware
but tell me
if i write with the tantrum honesty of a child
will you understand?
wren cole Oct 2017
i am carefully stacking building blocks in uneven patterns
trying to keep going up
and i know i said i'd be there but if you lean against me i will topple into pieces again
i have to accept the truth that i am not strong
i am finally learning to take care of myself and it is lonely and it feels selfish
and i hate breaking promises
but i cannot be an anchor when i have no hold on the ground
i am a tightrope walker with shaking knees and two left feet
you say it's okay in a way that lets me know it isn't
and i stagger on the line
please, please, please
i'm trying to stay alive
wren cole Jul 2016
you only clean your wounds
to see if they made the words you wanted them to
SELFISH
USELESS
TOXIC
LIAR
sprawled across your arm in mean print
in bright red letters
and have you ever gone that deep before?
and will they make you go back to the hospital?
wren cole Jul 2016
the sky lives in your eyes
the stars spattered across your skin
you are made of something beyond
and the beyond made something beautiful
imgay.png
wren cole Jul 2016
count my sighs
turn them into flowers
walk through the garden
i'd name it after you
wren cole Jul 2016
I built walls around myself and watched you adoringly through the cracks
I didn't know you were busting your knuckles raw against the bricks
I guess I got you tangled in my thorns
Now I don't have a clue how to fix this
I never wanted to be on the list of things that hurt you
Now we're both bleeding and i don't know what to do
I wish
I'd said
I love you
I wish I could go back in time
wren cole Feb 2018
A certain kinda sadness that you slip right into
Like an old sweater, worn soft, once perfect for you
But now it just clings to your body
Too close
Suffocating
But it's your favorite sweater
Such a pretty shade of blue
wren cole Jul 2016
I whisper "I wish I were beautiful" into a thin-necked bottle and quickly stop it up with a cork.
Carefully, I place this bottle on my bookshelf.
It is one of many.
I collect wishes but they loom instead of glitter;
The whispers,
They sound like the disorder that ate away at me when I was younger and this all feels so similar.
I bottle up these secret wishes and together the whispers collect into the screaming of my thoughts as I catch my reflection in the window in passing.
In private, I try to press myself together, to make myself more compact, as if somehow I could force all this fat into a more pleasing shape.
In private, I look at the picture I took when my stomach was near flat and my wrists were more dainty and though I know I would be in the hospital the month after that photo was taken I can't help but wish I looked like that again.
I whisper "Make me sick" into a thin-necked bottle and let it weigh down the air around me.
When did I start to believe dead would be better than this?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯  **** man I want to cut the fat off of my body and bleed out but it's fine it's all cool
boy
wren cole Oct 2017
boy
We are large chests on large bodies
Bodies like valleys
Bulging hips and shoulders too wide
We still make ourselves small, try to hide
Because we are not the pretty boy flower princes you say we should be
Nor the perfect picture of masculinity
I wore a sparkling Cinderella blue skirt to my senior prom,
Paired with a button down and a bowtie because *******, I'm gonna be me
Even if I cannot shatter in your hands
And there are days when I stare at the mirror for hours wondering why I look so wrong
Why I wasn't born the way I was supposed to be
But **** that, this is my body
I am my definition of man regardless of yours
I am not your Token Trans stereotype
And I do not have to "pass" at anything, my identity is not a test
I do not have to press the air from my lungs every day to be valid to you
*I know who I am
I didn't ask for your point of view
wren cole Apr 2017
I think I
Will miss you
Forever.
That's​ kinda how I work.
The moment you step into my life,
Your footprint
Is burned in
My mind.
You have the power to shatter my heart
On a daily basis.
My heart is in your hands, afterall.
You've
Branded
Me.
love you. miss you.
wren cole Jul 2018
tell me you love me, don't ever stop
hold me close and don't ever let go, don't
please don't leave me alone, i
can't be alone, i've
been in such a hole
but everything is okay when we're okay
but we haven't been okay
just tell me we're okay
you say we can talk more tomorrow
but i need you today
wren cole Apr 2016
It occurs to me now that I still bring my voice low for you,
Dance on knives for you,
Do anything to accommodate you and assure that I don’t breathe your precious air.
All of this.
Even after you have called me poison
And accused me for emoting
As if I held a gun to your head.
**** your comfort,
**** your space.
I won’t dance for you anymore.
I hope my voice brings you to tears so maybe you’ll feel something other than self-righteousness.
I hope this poem makes you want to run away so you’ll know how I feel every time I see your name.
I hope you defrost.
I hope you melt.
I hope you finally feel everything you’ve never wanted to.

I hope you grow from this.
I hope you finally can be warm.
I hope you regret your frostbite.
I hope you never again hurt anyone like you’ve hurt me.

Somewhere deep inside, in the places I keep quiet,
I hope you learn to suffer.
You'll see a lot of poetry referring to this person. She really messed me up.
wren cole Jun 2016
FIREWORKS, STARS
I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING BRIGHT AGAIN
I WANT A SWEET SONG TO WRITE AGAIN
LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND TAKE MY HAND
LET'S CREATE A KINGDOM AND RULE OUR OWN LAND
WHISPERS AND LAUGHTER
SECRETS WE KEEP WITH THE HILLSIDE AND THE TWILIGHT
CONSPIRING WITH THE STARS
CARBONATION IN OUR HEARTS
MAYBE IT'S THE SUMMER, THE WIND, THE HEAT
THAT MAKES ME YEARN TO UNBIND THESE SHACKLES AND RISE TO MY FEET
fun fact right after i wrote this my mom said we're not going to go to the concert (aka my opportunity to feel alive for a couple hours)
wren cole Jul 2016
miss memory, have you forgotten me?
i am quite sure of it now.
i can see you change from a distance,
nothing like you used to be.
you're almost unrecognizable.

(despite this, you still have
bubblegum pink lips,
bubblegum sweet voice.
artificial flavoring.)
wren cole Jun 2017
you are just a child
and the world is not out to hurt you
darling, darling, please
slow down and take the love in
you are young and beautiful and reckless
no where near wise
far from invincible
you are running, flying away into the sound of your own voice
telling you you are so close to the sun and
you can't wait to burn bright and beautiful and turn to ash
but the sun feels much nicer from the ground, oh, the sun feels much nicer from the ground
we are not made to live like bullets
you have blood on your casing and much of it is your own
you tell me you know best as you hold your gun to your temple and yell
fire away, fire away
wren cole Jul 2016
Not everything happens for a reason but we happened and we fell apart and maybe that was for a reason because we collapsed into framework so maybe our fortress just wasn't strong enough
We built together with dreamlike lumber, the stars and childhood thrill keeping everything together but we are older now and the moonlight makes our eyes look glassy instead of glittering
I keep staring at this rubble and wishing I could run the halls again but they don't exist, all that's left is the foundation and maybe I'm scared of letting go and maybe I'm scared of losing this but we cannot keep this castle standing with rain water and sugar and whispers
I come back to this place waiting for some kind of miracle, for something to make this stronger so we could stand again but I think if we want to be princes in our high tower we're gonna have to plant some trees and get some wood and build
As much as the thought of Us makes me glimmer, it is not feasible to sustain ourselves on the simple wish to go back in time to when we tended to one another's fires
Back before we knew fire was not something to be played with
Back before we were burned
I hate it I hate it I hate it
I want to bury the reality and stand on top and reach for you in the stars but I'm old enough to know that I will never be able to cradle one in my hands and keep its light
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