Her eyes used to burst at the seams with love
When it came to me - She used to pretend not to steal
A glance
But every chance she had, she'd take
And only wanted me to reciprocate

She used to brush her fingers across my cheek
As we lay idly in bed having decided
That was going to be our day -
And every way our hearts collided
Our lips would talk it through
Without having said a
Word

She used to always want to talk,
And I'd savour our conversations
That told me that she loved me
And wanted me to be
Part of her
Life

She says she cares,
But she now has to care for herself
I scratched at wounds that I should've been tending to
I left her empty and void where I should've added value
Oceans of tears left uncalmed when I
Should've braved the tides with her

Where there should've been love there was
Only the bittersweet feeling of hope -
A flicker left long enough within toxic gale
Can only expect to extinguish

We could've been a garden that flourished
Mine is the guilt to bear

So
I fully understand
When she says she has to move on
It's whats best for her
Who would want to have to
Put up with a monster
Like me

I just want to say that I'm sorry
For not being better
For hurting you
For the words that I've said
But even more so for the words that I didn't say
When you needed to hear them the most

For the things I've done to make me
The nightmare you woke up to
But even more so for all the things I didn't do
That should've been done
Just cause it would've been for you

For the accusations and distrust when
You've been loyal all along
And being mindful of what upsets me
When you didn't deserve that doubt

For making you feel worthless
And not making you feel special
Enough
Like I had promised myself I would

I was a bad person and I hurt someone
I love because I didn't value them enough
I took her for granted and couldn't admit
That I was ever in the wrong

I admit I have been in the wrong for a long time

I can't make you stay,
But that doesnt mean I can't keep trying
I can't fail - I can live with letting myself down
But not with  having let you down
The way I did

I would give her enough love for three lifetimes
If it meant having hers for just one
And bring us back to where we used to be
Love unbridled

I would change to be the person she fell in love with
And more
To hear her call me a petname again,
To feel her hands hold on to me tightly,
Like she doesnt want to lose me
To be the one she thinks about when she wakes

Id venture to the edge of the world
If it meant she would be mine again
Even if it kills me inside every day
Knowing I've lost her

I'd still go

She told me to write
So here the letters toward a more complete sorrow
Splay themselves across the digital parchment
So I may find comfort or recluse, I do not know which one

She told me to love
Her like I had not been broken - a task in
Which I had failed to do, and gave in to the pain of
Having lost many a time before, what I lose again now

She told me to leave
Her so she may look up and see more than thoughts
That haunted her being - Of those I had loved before
Those others who have had me before she ever could

I told her to hold on
To wait a mere few days, to have faith and will
So we can mend what has been broken too many times
Before -

If I could make time unwind
I would,
And take back all the love I
Had so carelessly given
To those before her -
I would recollect every moment
Undo every rhyme, every chord
And save it for her.

If I could make time unwind
I would have given it all to her.
I am but a glass half empty.
What was left, was not enough.

The way that you love me has changed -
If at all it even exists.
Every message used to be replied
With eagerness between each character
That is no longer present.
Every text is now filled with pauses
In between, as if to say it's not something
You look forward to -
You're right.
You dont need me.

And when I send yet another
The response I get is one of
Ridicule
As if to tell me I'm stupid for
Wanting to talk to you
Like you're fine with
Making it known I don't matter
The
Way
I
Used
To.

Im scared to tell you
These things so I just tell myself
Cause if I did,
You'd tell me to leave
Cause it's that easy for you.

I don't want to leave.
I just want you to want me.

I have made it too late for that.

Do you know solitude like I do -
In which that good morning text doesnt come,
And it feels like the sun itself didn't rise?
That is how the last few days have been
Without you or your words or the thought
That you're there, I'm afraid of the notion
That you no longer care, emotion
We once had for each other
Dissipates into thin air...

Except that isn't true, I still feel
Deeply about my love for you.
I know things haven't been going well
And theres only so much I can do
From a thousand miles away -
An entire world too far from you.
I still listen to the song you wrote
For me, I play it back to back and hope
You still mean every word you sang.

Do you remember that night
Where we fell asleep in each others arms?
A dreamless night was a dream come true
I think about it all the time -
It only makes me hope that you
Will love me once again, the way that you do
I'd trade 6 months in Sydney to relive
That single night with you.

When Tuesday comes, I'm scared
You'll say that you don't need me
The way I need you, all I can do
Is hope that you come back to me.

I miss the way we'd game online
And end the night with a call
The way I feel when you call me "***"
And telling you that I love you
I miss the little pokes on facebook,
Our stupid snaps to each other
The longing for December,
The thought of seeing you again
How we'd talk about getting married,
The idea of three lifetimes with you,
Spending one as birds.
I miss it all.

Do you still see a future with me,
The way I see one with you?
Do you still think about me
Throughout the day,
The way I think 'bout you?

Heres the thing about distance.

When you're romantically involved with someone that you know makes you happy to no end, and that relationship is then reduced to routine texting and phone calls, you run the risk of boring them. You start to over think the smallest of things. You start to wonder if the spark is gone, perhaps that person has lost interest in you, perhaps they no longer feel the same way.

Distance does things to the both of you that makes you doubt your relationship. It brings up fears and insecurities. It makes you not only physically, but emotionally distant. The things you used to take for granted are now the things that make you the happiest, and when even those start to disappear, one by one, you start to question yourself.

You start to question whether you're still "worth it", of if you're "good enough". You start to hurt yourself over things that simply cannot exist because of the abundance in physical proximity. You wonder if things will even be like this once you both are together again. You start to forget what its like to even be together. You start to feel like you're not even in a relationship anymore.

I've become but a guy on the internet. I feel like an obligation. Theres never anything to talk about anymore. It's like the spark we had, never existed.

I'm scared for what comes next. I look forward to seeing her again but at the same time I am so scared that what we are now, perhaps will become what we are in permanence.

I should've never left.

Its nights like this
Where heavy hangs the heart
I wake in dark of night
Unable to soothe these fears
That I doubt my ability to
Love, rather my affinity
For something that may not
Be there any longer

These are the moments where
I feel most loss,
Lonesome in its touch,
Painful in its thought