why must i be bonded to something
that causes me so much pain?

"how sweet it is to be loved by you"
oh, but how much sweeter to love you

swinging around in your arms, together
oh, i could stay there forever

you are my light, my way
here in your peace, i lay

lights surrounding us both in the night
and in our future looking so bright

cloudy cloudy brain
where are the directions
to the beginnings
the map is written
in a foggy room
and i can't see where the
arrow is pointing

finding safety again
can be harder than it seems

i will not forget the time
you told me i was worth it
because now it may seem like a lie
back then, i really believed it

every time my heart aches
i will say a little prayer for you

breathe, my dear
stay up
as long as you wish
we don't want the heavy
to stay here
so breathe, my dear
take in the world you missed

in the end
what will i fear most,
being hurt?
or never being truly understood

when will my heart stop beating
in all the wrong directions?

i will never let anyone see the worst of me
because the one time i did
they left

maybe
the answer
isn't to escape
my own head
but
learn to love
and know it
as your own

i am imprisoned
my head pushed underwater
unconvincing decisions
swim in the head of this daughter

numb haze
image of unreal
my heart in a blaze
not very ideal

disconnected from fate
unsure of what is to come
the hologram is about to fade
wake up before you become numb

heavier than ever before
the ***** that is within me
does this indicate something that adores?
only time will see

i’m tired
of fighting so **** hard
for the happiness
that everyone tells me i deserve

when will be the right time to say
“i know who i am”
and mean it?

connectedness
is the aspiration of your being
adjacent hearts are the
only priority
but
the falsifier of your brain
makes you endure the weight
of forged disregard
"you aren't their world"
but you know it's a lie
for all humans are the same
connectedness
is their existence

my greatest fear
is that i will wake up
finally
to the reality i have been looking for
and still wish i wasn't here

stop hating yourself
for loving more
though it hurts

it is the greatest gift
you will ever recieve

everyone seems to see
a dimmer version of meaning
than i do
it’s starting to mess with me

comfort in the sadness
a lonely shelter of blue
a blanket of feelings
that is never torn
a space to feel
will i ever know a difference?

intimacy is your greatest fear
but distance is mine
i wonder why you don't want to hold me near
i guess you're just too afraid to share your mind

this is not permanent
this feeling
this aching of my broken heart
remind my self everyday
this is not permanent

a flood of emotions
but i will only catch the hopeful
another day, another way
i can look for the better version
of myself
yes, there is hurt
but one day at a time
a few good words on my mirror
and we will see
what happens

deep down she was broken
beyond repair
from what was
and what could’ve been

just breathe
trusting seems unthinkable
but what other option is there?

i will not break
as much as my heart screams
i will continue to push forward
because what other option is there?

these feelings are making a comeback
what do i do when they come back?
dramatized in my own head
but what would they be instead?

the question is a constant as a lose *****
gripping to the fragments of my brain
could it be what He is telling me to do?
seems like i might be going insane

i really need to get a grip
or the grip needs to let go of me

success defined by a digit
all or nothing, which is it
no longer feel worth
granted i never did

chopped down with every number
burned and bruised by the red pen
but who's pen is really causing me this pain?
i'd rather not admit it
it's just success defined by a digit

happiness
a fleeting wish that flew through my mind
i think

happiness
bright bubbly something
i think

happiness
the expectation for existing
i think

happiness
a realistic reality
i think?

what hurts most
is loving with all of your being
and still not being enough

it’s time to find me
go back to the place i once was
become the person
my younger self would be proud of

i woke up feeling okay today
usually i would be nervous
waiting for the next unfortunate event
but today
i’m going to embrace this feeling
cautiously optimistic
and accept that i might always be existential
i’m going to breathe in this
present picture moment
and let the extreme
be itself

was the time you made me feel like your galaxy
real
or a fantasy

i try to live on
take pictures of the sky
but truth be told i loved him
and no one but me will know why

she felt a deep longing in her chest
it's ache was greater than any ocean
and it's sharp stabbing pain
did not know the word "end"

it followed her closely
never leaving her side
some may say it was a friend
she would not

where is the opening
to the vastness of hearts?
or a better question might be
"where is the closing?"

the tree that was once there
is no longer
the bond i have with others
has not grown stronger
things change quicker than i can blink
and my least favorite hobby is to think
i wonder if i'll ever get over
those no longer
just like the tree
that was once there

the air is crisp
it is time for the warmth to fade and the summer to end
because even though the good has gone
i know that it will come again
just like the warmth in the air
so for now,
i will embrace the change
just like i embrace the falling leaves
because though there is heartache in change
there is beauty
in letting things go
and there is peace in the wind
and it will wrap you up in it's crisp,
apple-smelling air
you will find your joy again
you will find your summer

please don't go
i know that everybody has to grow
but please don't leave
i really don't want to grieve

please don't go
we could take it slow
you were my very best friend
and i'm not ready for that to end

i say i hate myself
but honestly
there’s no one i’d rather be

i feel lost
but have i ever been found?

the first of the year
things don’t feel too different
but i am still here

the first of the month
things are beginning
what should i first confront

the first of the week
yet i am unsure
what is it that i seek

the first of next year
full circle
wonder if i’ll defeat this fear

my fear
is that no one will ever care
like i do

shaky hands, shaky heart
nothing feels connected
not even emotions that take part

dizzy and confused
am i even in this body?
or is my soul watching, abused?

uncontrolably kneeled
words fight to escape
but my mouth is sealed

am i going insane?
or coming to?
dear God, please let me escape this brain

my heart is heavier than it’s ever been
i’m wondering if healing will ever began
i go back and forth, up and down
and i’m wondering if i’ll ever come around

finding life and meaning
despite a broken heart

safety might not be
in the places i once thought

open your eyes
you won't travel while they're closed
or will you?
reality or not
is the current
predicament
is it even your decision?
crisp clumpy clouds
carry you away
but you might want to stand
on your own two feet
or you might need to
you deserve the reality you wish to see
all you need to do
is escape your own imagination
and find what you are imagining

i am an aloe plant

waiting for the sun

my leaves droop

for it is darker

than i'd prefer

but i stay alive

i still exsist

i know the time is coming

when the light will emerge

and i will grow stronger

and you will too

"i want to wake up in the morning
and not wish that i was dead!"
i screamed into the mountains
hoping for a reply
take me back to 17
and let me live like i did before
let me live in my head rent free
and throw my emotions to the pile
on the floor
let me listen to sad music
and not relate
always waiting for the day
i will no longer have to wait

i loved too hard again
but i thought this would last
i will always remember what you said
it’s so hard to move past the past

what i’d give to be apart of
your world the way i used to be
give me five more minutes, love
see me the way you did before, please

where is the humanity?
answer me, please
before i lose my sanity
and fall to my knees

there is disease flooding through the street
but wouldn't you rather catch it
or have your loved ones leave?
please try to care, just a little bit

if you walk with the flood,
are you really risking it all?
which is the true blood
that is really being drawn?

if you shake hands with a dead man
are you really making a deal?
if you run from life,
are you really going to heal?

you want to feel joy
but it’s kind of disintegrated
you want to relate
but your soul is deflated

numb to all
even familiar places
you once felt safe
before these spaces

will you ever be free?
it all seems jaded
when will you see
all the happiness you traded