i will cling to what is real
authentic moments will not be replaced
my greatest disappointments
are also my greatest qualities
so i will hold on
and maybe one day someone will hold on too

"i want to wake up in the morning
and not wish that i was dead!"
i screamed into the mountains
hoping for a reply
take me back to 17
and let me live like i did before
let me live in my head rent free
and throw my emotions to the pile
on the floor
let me listen to sad music
and not relate
always waiting for the day
i will no longer have to wait

you know that feeling
that main characters have
when they find themselves
and it’s like
the most significant moment of their life?
i feel like i’ve spent my whole life waiting for that moment

forever lost in the vastness of my mind most every word it utters is unkind
unsure if processing is the right process
only time will show, i guess

a sense of meaning i hold in my heart
it was there right from the start
with whom i will always relate
will i ever be understood for this state?

my mind felt infinitely understood
as much as it seemed it could
for a mere five minutes
hopefully it will again, to the finish

life is anything but fair
you may be brave and you may be bold
but there is a point where you will be
b r o k e n
words of honey will be long gone
and you will be crushed harder than you ever imagined

but, there is healing,  i've heard
maybe it's not found in life changing events
maybe it's found in segments of joy
a segment of singing in the car
with the windows down can be
honey to your soul
and you won't only be driving on a road,
you will be on a road to healing
and words of honey
again.

pushing back all day
on the feelings you wish
would all go away

tied back and kept
the only way to cope?
a state that almost feels trapped

at the time the sun may sink
maybe it’s time to let go
let your heart find the link

it’s almost relieving
a sense of detachment
who are you deceiving?

understandable to only one
but still perplexed
this, maybe only just begun

she goes through each day
clinging to the hope that things
will get better
because what else is there to cling to?
now

blackbird singin' in the dead of night
but it's not the blackbird im thinking of
in the dead of night
take these broken wings and learn to fly
but what if it's not my wings i am worried about?
all my life
i've wanted you to love me
the way i love you
but you didn't wait for that moment to arise

forest
jungle
wood
is that what your mind consists?
you are ready to discover
what it holds
and you'd prefer to do so in
solitude
isn't scary
isn't bad
just different
sometimes even good

empty bottles filled with something
it makes no sense
where is the sense they bring?
why am i still on the fence?

coping is bane
not who i truly am
will i always be the same?
this all seems to be a scam

will this empty bottle break?
or do i need to shatter it?
for goodness sake
when will this decision split?

if i sunk into nothing
would anybody care?
i just wish i could be something
could this darkness let me up for air?

the world feels like an illusion
and i know i sound crazy for that
i’m sitting in a cloud of confusion
letting it out here, is where i’m at

when the stories
i repeat in my head
became my own
that was the day
i lost control

why do i go to writings to release my inner war?
poems, paragraphs, lines
isn't there a better way to get off the floor?
to escape from this mind that only confines?

do they even matter?
these writings of release?
sometimes they just make me shatter
fall apart piece by piece

should they be shared?
or hidden beneath my hollow heart
wouldn't they show if they cared?
i guess i would have to be the one to start

this does not feel like the natural state
of a human, or do they all come like this?

enclose your wrists as you enclose your heart
for they both have scars that no one cares to see

what is your hope? or do you even know?
clustered is your brain, when you try to use it

learning is a curve but
when does the path look straight again?

sometimes
i question whether this state of mind
is real or even unkind

but then i fall
into the dark pit of darkness
and i see it all

all the lies i was told
about myself
my trust so easily sold

i will not completely crumble
but i will not become any less
of who i am

i'm breaking faster than i can heal
and it's going to get to a breaking point
that i cannot heal

"i'm okay"
so automatic
but definitely not sure
a new coping skill
for when i feel i can't share

i have never been a liar
so when did this start
afraid of something
afraid of nothing
AFRAID OF WHAT?
abandonment most likely

but i'm okay
in case you ask

return
back to earth
let the space in your head
fall behind you
and feel the wonder
each breeze that blows your way
holding memories close
each raindrop cascading down
reminding you of the realness

return
back to earth
look for the reasons
you came back
because you didn't leave space
for nothing

return
back to earth
look for the ways
you intertine with the orbit
in love
in fear
in strength
in weakness
in all

return
in all.

she felt the wind in her hair today
and her drive made her feel something
roads winding every which way
who knows the destination they will bring

twisting and turning
i am pulled in every direction
but mine

expectations stacked
higher than mountains
unable to climb

"no breaking allowed"
is the rule for me
but i might, sometime

a distant dream
but vivid in my mind
long and winding
roads filled with purpose
but nothing to worry about
you by my side
your presence makes me
safe
a simpler life is ahead
the road is just ahead

do you feel that weight?
it pulls you down
like it's fate

do you feel those tears?
they pour quickly
but do not wash away your fears

do you feel the void?
it stays consistant
with the dreams you avoid

i know that i set myself ablaze for you
but i liked the warmth it brought

i liked the way it felt to love someone
with a burning passion that cannot be put out

but when you're burning alone
your soul starts to wither
and you no longer feel the warmth
only the pain

is it time to let go
of the me that i have known
all my life

it might be necessary
to prevent anymore pain
heartbreak is an option, right?

emptiness seems dramatic
but not anymore than feelings
i don’t know what to do

is it time to let go of the me
that always causes harm
more than the good

today
she felt slightly okay
and who knows how long
it will last
but we will embrace it
for now

sunken, weary eyes
creases of pain
cannot begin to diguise
every gray stain

cracked, aching place
used to be filled with love
a memory i cannot face
every good thing shoved

i'm not sorry for how much
i loved you
my heart was fully touched
now, couldn't be fixed with glue

another evening falls to rest
and i still don't miss you any less
i hope things are well for you
and maybe you think of me sometimes too

a lot has happened indeed
a problem that seems to never unravel
but i do hope someday we see
it wasn't a distance too far to travel

hazy and oddly mystified
a filter holding me back
from what is good in this life

will i ever escape
the mental anguish of jail bars
hours they take
holding me back from who i was before

“there’s no sense
in holding onto something broken.”
but in my defense
i might be the “something broken”

one star
not sure where the others like you are
but you are one star worth gazing
you discover a galaxy
before the others
because you are closest
to what is real
and you pack for your journey
because you are going to visit
the universe

let your heart long
for what you don’t have
experience what you want
feel as you do
but some day, try to find peace
with what you don’t have

blurry
is my future
foggy
is my brain
but the way i see you
crystal clear

one, you are the discipline of my mind
two, the reason i adore
three, you push me, sometimes too much
four, you show me my own reality
five, my dear introvert
six, not all of them leave
seven, take me with you up the mountain
eight, be braver than you want
nine, peace will come in the morning
or maybe in yourself

did i ever live in my head rent free?
i'm starting to question
what the expectation is supposed to be

was i ever carefree?
i genuinely don't recall
have i always been held by a wall?

i sit on that mountain top
my scream didn't even echo
i don't think my thoughts will stop

but maybe a little less cruel?

warm water
cascades down your body
covering your bones in it's blanket of feeling
your head
is a circle of thoughts
will i ever be enough?
the melody of the song you turned on
playing in the background of your mind
sometimes dizzy, sometimes relaxed
in a haze
inner tears
flooding flooding flooding
with memories
you rub your eyes to remove the water
and you enter a galaxy.

would it be a tragedy
if we all died tomorrow?
we wouldn’t need anymore gravity
or even sorrow

would it be a crime
to not get back up again?
could we disregard the time?
would it be a sin?

my headspace is numb
i understand
this is frightening to some
no one can know i am unable to stand

she wished she could love herself
without constantly trying to change
who she really is

is this
the beginning
of something new?
or the beginning
of something that
has always been
where are the plastered
paper labels when you
most need them?
or do we need them?
if everything had a price
then nothing would be worth it
so let's begin
it's about time

at war
confused conflict
between comrades
enraged despair
between the world
ruined hope
between the opinions
but mostly,
at all out war
between myself and i

they say
to take in this moment
because next year nothing will be the same
but i didn't realize the truth in that statement
till i arrived at next year
and realized that time is fleeting
so i will hug every moment close
till arrive in next year

a great barrier
holding back how i really feel
i've been happier
but it's so hard to heal

hold up the shield
just for the day
keep your heart concealed
don't put it on display

the shield is cracking
a fear of mine
brace for the impact
then you can draw the line

humanity
do you believe in it?
even plastered paper
smiles seem distant
what happened to the people who
feel
who know what it is like
to long for the day we are all free

humanity
seems so plastic
compared to the flesh
that it was before
artificial interactions
crowd the spaces in between
authentic seconds

humanity
where are you?
i know it’s in small
nooks and crannies
but aren’t we all human?

maybe i’m being
melodramatic
friendly to the feelers
but isn’t every poet

i acknowledge
that i am in pain
and though guilt holds me hostage
i will not give myself all the blame

why is it harder to love myself?
than the one that makes my soul soar?
i guess i’ll have to be kind to me as well
but this will be harder than before

holding you close
as the sun disappears
leaving behind a rainbow ocean
for me and you

your warmth
is one i have never felt
cordial feelings
wrap around my heart

how did i get so lucky?
i can only try not to explode
from the pure and utter jubilation
that you bring to existing

coping
isn't it supposed to be temporary?
how much more loss
can i endure?
it's never ceasing
just like the thoughts
within my head
oh my heart.
waiting for the days to end
loyalty seems like a good thing
but it is also shattered in the end

endless circles
are the shape of my mind

feeling hollow is tradition
not one i'd like to keep

where are the reasons
that my heart keeps beating?

i can't seem to find them today.
lost in the void

uncertainty took me captive
and frankly, it was rude

ever since you left
i have felt the weight of my heart
completely like a brick

unexpected endings
have never sat right with me
was it all just pretending

i try to redirect my mind
but my God, i loved you
and i still do, all of the time

i like goodbyes
about as much as i like
my shoes coming untied

anticipating an absence
always throws off my balance
then my heartstrings come unraveled
with these tears i must battle

i like goodbyes
about as much as i like
believing all these lies

will there ever be a day
where i can smile and be okay
to say a hello with a happy sigh
and never worry about saying goodbye

dear thoughts,
please leave me alone
for awhile
don't get me wrong,
it was nice having you
but i think it's about time you get going.
we had a good time for awhile,
discussing all the ways
we could shape the future into
something new.
but you said more than you should've.
you moved your piece too soon and the board tipped.
the game is over.
your'e words pierced my heart and never said sorry.
so, i'm afraid we must move on.
we just don't get along.
here is the door, drive safe on the way home.
farewell, thoughts, please don't return.

paralyzed
inside my own head
what value is prized?

trapped
underneath my skin
has my sanity snapped?

confined
within my own heart
has my future made me blind?