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1.1k · Jul 2014
Heartbeats
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Feel his heart, a poet's lie
Too close to flame
No words for love
His arms around me
Holding me close
No sleep for me
Too hot, too confined

It's not what I'm used to
Wanting, yes, it's my need
But too close, I'm not to be saved
His gentle snore, breathe on skin
He twitches, a ****** gasp
I ****, scared, asleep he holds
Closer against him, thoughts aflame

I don't deserve him, draw away
Push him over, away
My need alone
Maybe an hour, sleep illusive
He reaches for me

I am his need, he worships my ***
But it's all a lie, slight physical need
His eyes closed, burns my spirit
He knows me so well,
He hasn't the right
My feeling, my sleeve
My stories, my own

How can he reach for me?
Want to hold me so close?
He shrugs my anger, blunts my danger
He says he knows, impossible lies
By he reaches, always reaches

I'm not special, no diamond's shine
Beautiful, stunning and perfect
He says, he doesn't know
I see my soul, in a reflective
Sad, tearful poem
Men and their lies
Lustful lies
1.1k · Jul 2014
rape
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
crawl
across the gasp
open wide, taste
******* lushiously
open me, take me

lose myself, forget
just a moment, quicken, last
I want it, stretch it, me
pin me, twist me, hold me
I want you, I hate you
need, lust, desire
fire, want, heal

from behind, such a gift
strong, strong hands
grasp, grip, take
hold you deep
power, depth

again and again, again, again
spill, wet, and taste again
me on top, then you again
desperate for love
I love your ****
just for a time
I'll never ask

then its off and away
back to running from
never to, never, no
back in your box
I hate me; man
742 · Jul 2014
self destruction
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Pain will start to subside
Then grow again
With memories
Like opening a book
And explode anew

Pain begins, grows
never finishing, never lessening
Time has brought me far from childhood scars
I remember each slight, each twist
My mother's strikes, my father's lost
He got away, left me
To her

There were rapes, colored, scribbled
Across my childhood stories
Punishments, my only loving embrace
It was never me, aways" YOU!"
I lay here again, memories aboil
Fear and distrust, all I knew
Again I feel this, abandonment, distrust

I see my present, with her words in my ears
Burning advice, to make me
little and her
My father, so long
How do I judge other men?
So many years of lost
The true, made false
709 · Aug 2014
Twisted
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Braided dreams
Wrapped desires
Layered hopes
Dependent together
Holding hands

We, are
I am
Completed worth
Hallowed vows
Eternal souls
Timeless tears
Unconditional love

Ultimate fears
Searing anxiety
Feelings soaring
Emotional yoyo
Cheating heart

Flagged notes
Conversations made
Outside influences
Preying inside
Tainted advice
Showing colors
Breaking mates

Friends betray
Not real
Agendas abound
Seductive lies
Hidden words
If you have something to hide in a relationship, the problem is probably you. If you have conversations with people where there is an element that you don't want to share with your 'lover' then you are being seduced by someone else's agenda.
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Does it make a difference?
If a heart beats, confused for another
The physical need denied
Or if the emotional indulged?
Can you simply be, without meaning

Sending letters back and forth
Electronic symphonies of pleasure
Asking of me the things I would never admit

My imagination flies, tie me, take me, take me
It's all just a dream, lucid, guilty pleasures
I know it's not love, a distraction, attention
I'm so alone, why can't I speak?
Reaching out to strangers, rocking hips to their pretty words

Forgive me, this is not me
Slutting me for the perverse
But, deep inside, I want
Turning me from true
Giving lie to all I've worked for

I want this, attention long denied
That I could never admit to face
It was nothing, I tell myself
Just words to a penpal, ******
But less than mine
To this, I think maybe, please
Let it have meant less to me

I showed myself, lithe, smiling, fine
Gave pictures of family, home, life
Did it still mean nothing
Opening the person, me, mine
I didn't stray, it was innocent!

But more personal than I want to admit
Reading back, looking through saves
How did this happen, I am not this person
What do I find? New truths? An inside denied?
Sifting, I realize that they were saved
The pictures made me his *****
But I saved them all, to read again

I had wanted this, confused at the time
I shred the letters, burn the ink
I want no trace, not who I am
Not what I want to be
Romantic, timeless love

This is what I need to be
So I close the book
Prepare to spill
Clean my quill
Forgive me, my love
How could you, I cry
I am *****, unclean

I want to tell him
Pour it all out
Tears and truths
Blending and clean
My tortured soul

It eats at me
Not to say
I want truth
Trust, something pure
But to say, just might
Ruin, prove my shame
To myself

True love wouldn't understand
It couldn't, I say
Nothing's unconditional
I am the unclean
Tainted, wasted, mean

How could he see me again?
Could I really tell him it all?
Would he look me in the eye?
He has said before, this maybe test
He would love me forever
Hold me safe, keep me clean
Can I trust, is that my real need?

My tendency to secret
A mother's gift to me
Manipulate and destroy
Drive men all away
I never wanted this

I wanted to be different
Loving, beautiful and safe
Not lies, deep inside
Worse, he might never know
It would make me slowly die
613 · Aug 2014
I knew a man
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Who would shrug off being alone
Like rain
Is that the difference between
Having a father and not?
Or just being able to ignore it?
595 · Aug 2014
I, Chance
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
It's cold here,
Dark, broken space
I need to be
Someone
I always wanted to be

Fear, and excitement
Drains my veins
But I have the chance
To warm myself
Heal my broken heart
Not just a band aid on my soul
A brand new start, to shine

But it's so cold
A bleak, desolate land
Where even fires
Burn cold, twisting without light
And fear always preying on the edges

I should take the chance
Take the hand that heals
Place trust where there was none before
Bring light, blending souls
Is it a shining thing?
Something brighter than before?
Or will I sabotage it and fail?

I don't know the future
Cold, dry water caressing my flesh
The skeleton's hard hand
It's scary, frigid bone deep fear
I'll be crushed again

Then there is the sail
A blooming flower's desperate cry
Do I deserve this apart of hope
A possible chase,
only to find myself seconded once more?
The ship none but washed ashore?
Deserted in the cold?

Greys and shining white
Do I reach for the light?
Allow darkness to fall from my soul
Scour it clear, replace old with new
Find my self, a freedom bold
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
So much of life
Is wasted
Nine to Five

Exhaustion cripples
Down time, anxiety
Controls the next

Worry about bills
The looming certainty
And lingering doubt

Up at early
The pattern
Hardly broken

A vacation spent
Away; life's return
Still follows how

The training of
Nine to five
Work and life

But coffee copes
When the restless
Rise
578 · Aug 2014
A Mirror, Long Distance
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Its so strange, to have a sister
Not one of blood, but worse, born in pain
Did she dream of one day her real mother
Coming to the door?
Would she pack a bag
or leave without saying good bye?
Did she dream of this like me?

Its so weird, for her to say to me
The things I think, felt and feel
Its like a racetrack
going off the rails
But so sad

You know all the whys
All the hows, and deep scars
A hiding game of
Don't say this, admit that
I know where the secrets are
What pains most, at right now
How it eats, and twists the knife

And perfectly why
my mirror won't say
Never admit, never surrender
The pain, pain, pain
Broken shards, mirror me
Almost exactly the same way

Are we so similar, half a world away
that when I read your words, I feel your pain
How could we both be broken, exactly the same way?
Mother's, father's and loves, heartbreak and children done
Then to see the pain, a recent secret she won't give away

But don't you worry, Dear, its safe with me
I won't bring it up, I'll let it be
If you want to talk, I am all ears
But you've done everything but scream it
Trying to hide it, all but saying the words
Its such a great pain, only we might know
Let the weight of it relax, let me hold you close

Scary, that we're sisters, born of pain
Histories, have been
Too similar in experience,
I want nothing more than
to be sure your success
For one in particular, but for all the other women out there that have been abused, shut out and destroyed by their pasts, and have done things that they are not proud of, only to keep it close to their chests and let it eat at them until they can let it out: You are not alone.
537 · Jul 2014
anguish
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Slippery *****
Down a slide
Oiled with tears
Polished with rage
hot passioned
I cannot stop
Forever,
I ride
Memories of truest love, regret for my part in losing it
432 · Jul 2014
Message
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
You are in your box
tucked away in thought
a present to be opened
from someone who
I don't want to know me

You didn't write, you didn't call
I have no envelope, no letter
nothing to savor your touch
I look around this home
where you drifted around
I made you ethereal
I made you fake

You never lied, never lost
where you tried so hard
did you plan for this?
you wanted to trust
I only hiss and bite

Afloat, bouncing along
protected by the bottle
corked, dry, and safe
pulled this way
and that

You kept me safe
but I broke the jar
I broke the glass
Free now
but without a laugh
I can't see land
I can't have hope

scoop me up
take me back
ignore my rage
my words of hate
I'm so scared
fear and lost

I mocked you
Gave you shame
I didn't deserve you
Taught you love
And took it
crumpling
your ink
422 · Aug 2014
Stubborn Circles of Hell
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Mother dearest, you taught me
See the future, and believe I can't
Know all too much and crush it out
All the little things I wanted; dreams
Deny my happiness and drive it out

If it's beautifully special
I'll find one thing
Break that moment
**** the well
Force it down
Resentment
Swells

Lash out at others
Any independent hope
Find it's problems
Make them mountains
A journey too dangerous to take

My mind races, a broken thing
I just want happiness
And then to put it out
My lovers scattered
To the wind

I can't deal with change
Chances, forlorn now
I can see them here
But cannot take that step
Lovers arms made a cage
Prisons, impenetrable
Bars too thick to break

Mother you broke me
Made me slaved
Never to be released
Never unchained
Soiled, wasted and unclean

No one should want me
Not this broken shell
Who sees the future I want so well
I'll take the chance bury it deep
Defeat my hopes now
Your perfect daughter
Now without your help

I'm stubborn and deep
Wounded in sleep
Put down bleeding
Cuts inside all seeping out
I bleed from ears, eyes and mouth

I knew he wanted me
Loved me so well
Somehow I turned that
Warped it, created a hell
You took warm arms
The safest place
And slapped my face

It's so terrible
To see a path
Happiness ahead
At long last

But then I'm programmed
My attention can't last
I see myself falling, unwanted
Death, destruction and forgotten

He loved me so
With long glances
Looking to my eyes
Seeing past defenses
It was too much
Scary and defiled
To realize it was special

To be laid open
Made me feel gutted like a fish
To feel so loved, like the one
I took it apart
Broken puzzle parts

Twisted his love
Found hate in parts
Blew it up and made
Cracks, created earthquakes
Lightning, fires and strife
It was all defied, his love
I would not permit

It smashed my reality
Saw myself unfit
My walls were invisible
Defenses cast aside
His glance saw through

Opened me inside
I resented this intrusion
This building down
Who was he?
To see nothing invisible

Now I look back
See mother's hard hand
Manipulation's a tool
Taught to survive
For a child that cries
To always come home
To mothers vile and high

I can't see the future
My relationships fall
To myself, I'm broken
All resentment, emotional
Anxiety, puking lies

Subconsciously
I know, see the future just clear
That's why my choices
All bring chains and tears
I just can't admit
Allow happiness to seed
Life watered and well

I break everything so well
Sabotaged so my loneliness
Is true; only pain, I know
My mother is far, live but unheard
Out of my life, her destructiveness gone
It's all remnants of living
Programmed below
Her voice is still there
Shrill, controlling, gripping
Teaching me all I needed so well
Now alone, I'm leashed
Her choices my own

I'll make them without thinking
Forgetting what I have known
It's sabotaging relationships
Building upon lies
Those to myself,
I needed to survive
Breaking promises of hope

I'll come complete
Force my infections on love
It's a test, lesson for all
A flame of my hell
To put lovers through
And to force friends away

I'll foster the evil, become someone else
I can feel it seeping, building cracks
Breaking promises to myself
Of what not to become
Lashing out at others
Letting them take blame
My responsibilities to them
Only allowing them my shame

I'll give them the pieces
Only what they deserve
If they asked for my pain
Let them preserve
But when I see them look
Staring at me, all love in their eyes
I've been taught to hate it
It's beauty I don't deserve

It's patterns in my life
Things I thought secret
Hidden reserved
True love opens all that
Makes them unreadable
Hurting their perfect reserve
Isolating me, forcing retreat
I just want to hide, run, find peace

It's the demons she gave me
They can't stand the sight
When love looks at me
They cower and fight
Why can't this be easy
Too many years in the making
I feel so betrayed
My mother's hands made me

He looks at me so easily
Sometimes I make him betray me
Force his word against him
Even his I love you
Now brings apathy
I confuse his love with hatred
My mirror, she sees me
Please don't be me

Heed me, sweet souls
Ignore instinct, find peace with your past
There is no worse pain than knowing
Seeing defenses laid bare
The pain and the suffering
He knows he can repair
But being forced to a distance
Because of mother's past glare

Go to him, take the chance
Show me it's true
My advice I can take
Love is more powerful
Than the demons embrace
For a new friend, who might be my sister, tortured in the cell next to mine; please don't be me.
415 · Jul 2014
the Work
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Marriage is, as they say, not easy
One, two, three have come my way
a blessed cheater, the first
the second, a liar and a cheat
The third showed me my soul

To see bone's soul, and then to cringe away
is a difficult way, who I thought I was
Then stark relevelations, a bitter taste
Its a marriage, blending of souls
My efforts were like that of the fairy tales
In the last, I expected, but did not give
I didn't know how to love

I didn't know what love was
we fought, leaving hearts ******
Torn, ragged and scorned
But he always believed he could
He was an elemental
Nothing could stop him
He would not fail

I broke him, like so many other men
His dreams of us, because I had none
Crushed his plans, because my future
Always so bleak, always so failing
he could not live in my world of dispair

He had a poet's soul, beautiful
Grand, it made me pale
how could he be so sure
so confident to a future
Together, I so frail
I had to break his,
My reality, his not real

I bent him slow
My mind's strength and glow
Made him crooked,
Stretched and broke
Turned him, roasted

The blending of souls
My deepest dream
All I wanted
All I need
Stolen

I spent the time
But not the work
I did not know
that princesses
Must work
413 · Aug 2014
I Found You by Accident
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
I didn't mean to
Didn't want to do this
Maybe
I just wanted to know
Maybe I can't stop

Do you know what it's like?
To play second fiddle
To another
But not first for love
The one of your life
They keep saying
There will be another

Another, when it took
All my life
Just to find the one?
How can that be?
Buggered imagination

I found her pictures
Found her darkest desires
What she asked for
Begging on her knees
Sexually, not me
Beautiful dark long haired
******* herself for my man

Everything I'm not
Things she wants
Sensually, aggressive
***** little *****
Destroyed all my dreams

Look at her pictures
Venerable, shy; all a lie
She cries about cages
Freedoms, chains and sins
But she wouldn't do for hers
What she would do for mine
I just don't know, want to die

I curse her name
Her face, burns
Forever
Until
Still
400 · Sep 2014
Passion in Play
The Unbeliever Sep 2014
With a touch, he makes me erupt
Bound, by hand to foot
I am pleasured, first by tease
The smallest nibble
The smallest lick

Arching, straining bonds
Reaching for more,
Muscles contract, relax
And seek to break once more
I am forced to concentrate

Fists pull at my bindings
Over I twist, around I bend
Ankles to thighs, opened wide
Toys seek, penetrating,
My mouth, tongue to glass

Dripping, my want plays need
Throbbing, my button's desire
Far out stretched, wrists above
Tension increases the need
I am his, the ultimate in trust

He says to lick, my mouth invites
Guiding me, gentle to his ******
Knowing, he knows my want,
All my fears, delayed
My face cradled in his strength

I take, opening deep, but he won't gift
Just a tease, gets my breath hot
And I'm over again, wide and spread
I feel my lips open, blindfolded fun
His tip, it must be a sin

Vibrations wrench sweetness from me
His staff slides as his hands grip
Up and back, never in
Quivering thighs make me buck
I am denied, I am fulfilled

And I am on my knees
Arched high, opened wide
For hours he has teased
Will this be my moment
My teeth still my quaking lip

His hand again, I coat
Dripping down my insides
And he presses fingers to my lips
I drink, greedy, my taste
Not for me, but for him

A pleasured mess, I ****
Creating, overwhelming his own need
He takes it from me,
Pulling my cheeks wider
The tip, the tip, the tip!

I feel it grow, stretching me
Then the shaft, a hardness
Squeezing, throbbing my own need
I fight it back, to take more
Bound, his lust, gives more

Not a little but full ******
Split, I convulse
Against bind
In his hands, hard
My body gives

Lost, I am clay
Around him
I am molded
In fire, I am
Cast

I feel the urgency in thrusts
I feel his depth and ask for depth
His test takes me harder
And for more I ask
I give him myself

And I feel fingers press
Enter places, commanding more
Drawing more from me
Bringing me strange places
And I devour them all

Knees down and deep
Butting the pillow,
I am brought
Beyond flesh
To the place of my soul

And I am satisfied
Feeling his need
He pulls, plunges deep
Just above, my dripping wet
Giving me just the tip

I feel him swell
His knuckles play a song
Against my firm cheeks he plays
I squeeze and shutter
******* at his delights

I hold him tight
Letting him finish his cream
I feel it drip, both now
Down wet cheeks, inner thigh
Feral grin, this just begins
391 · Aug 2014
The Return
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Not myself
I've never known that
Too many scars
Sifting through
Emotions
Pains
My
Eyes

See the world
But not the world
Seeing what I want
Ignoring what doesn't
For my my reality
That's the reality of
A past that was only
My life
All I knew
Is all I became

I wanted, sweetness
A part of me that I couldn't find
And thought lost

Thought gone forever
Unattainable, all my dreams
Crushed beneath my mother's
Jackbooted high heels

I carried this through my life
Not to use, but be used
Love, not beloved
And everything suffered
Husbands, children, friends
I tortured them all
Whipping them
With a reality
Only my own
Trying to impose it
To make it real for them
Force them to see
Why I was so damaged

And maybe,
I reached to them
How I wanted to be understood
When they saw me for
Who I wanted to be
Rather than just my scars

Pity,
What I wanted was pity,
Unspoken and vehemently denied
Always the victim
Of the world, of others
So unkind, this internal
Screaming, but silent
Defender of mine
Making me the victim
Again and again

Driving forces
An unmet sister of my soul
The mirror, mine
Showing me hope
By bringing up my past
Reliving all the pain
But giving perspective
I had never held before

She is saving herself
Healing, with a husband's
Sometimes less than gentle hands
On her shoulders, around her waist
Holding her high and giving her ground
Becoming an anchor
A port in the storm
And I heal, through her
Patching scars, and
Giving return
Vanishing the lingering doubts
Rebuilding hope against fears

For a moment, just one
I found the world
It's bustle and pace
Less scary
Just knowing
My mirror
Was out there
Looking back at me
And maybe,
I give her hope

Returning
This precarious,
Precious gift
Thank you, My Friend, for helping quiet the demons we share in our souls
380 · Jul 2014
Betrayer of Self
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Is it so hard?
to reach for what you love
to not tip your hat to fate
claw your way out from the cage
its all in your mind anyways, right?

the breadth and depth of mirrors
a broken, twisting, reflection
always looking, falling, back
living for a broken past
making the punishment
the present
unwrapped

Everyone lives their own dark reality
So hard a lesson to learn, myself?
those silly, hated, optimists
realists on their high horses
They only hurt themselves, myself

Its the truest treason, a betrayal even, of the soul
when all it is is a fair, and balanced, and perfect
meal of broken, slivered, and horrible glass
a tongue of sharpest and cruelest diamonds
slicing, cutting, splintering the insides
pinching, twisting your lungs
breaking your heart

Is it so hard?
when you wrote the words yourself?
you build the characters
in your life, in theirs?
not for what they are?
372 · Aug 2014
Trees in the Forest
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
All thing considered
My life is a forest
Lost and abound
Running for shelter
No map, no compass

All I see is the forest
Nothing but trees
The distance is staggering
Ignore all the signs
Aligned in the night
No stars to see
Losing the fight
350 · Aug 2014
Heart
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Your heart is corrupt
It's been beaten
Black and blue
It's partly your fault
But it's all of my tears

She was the other
A stranger, not family
She approached like a thief
Quiet upstart
A ***** in the night
Begging attention
Promising lust

It was word just on paper
Maybe nothing to her
Lies of the heart
To write what she wrote
To pen what she said...

It breaks my heart
Letters in read

Why did she come
This was not her man
She had had her own
Ignored him for span
Her sick soul
Craven, just sin
Disgusting, sick *****

She won't focus on her man
She came after mine
Broke his spirit, a gift won't shine
She wanted attention
A slutty, ***** *****

If she had spent her time
Where her man's intentions wore
Maybe her life
Not such a bore
Where she could look
If she could see
At my man, no more.
346 · Aug 2014
So much, I Hope
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Today's new day
A bit less blood
Maybe my tongue
Doesn't papercut
Inside my mouth

Maybe my fists won't clench
That man won't undress me with his eyes
Make me unspecial, a *****

Today it's love
Everywhere, here
Seems to be, hope for me
The men are learning
Haven been broken
Taken to lengths unknown
Maybe one for me

Look at me
Unreadable, adorable
Beautiful, deep eyes

Let flowers sprout
Beneath my feet
Cool, rain wash
Away my sins
Forgive me, Father,
I might love again
Maybe, maybe

There is one
But not mine
A fantastic love
Broken, resilient
Vowed to try

I am jealous
Joy, though for a kindred soul
So lucky, what did she do?
Blessings from heaven
God's Gift to her

Will it prove true?
Or another lie?

I want it so badly
Unselfish for her
Because if there is one
There is two
I want to nurture
Guide and help
Believe

But to be anything more
Than an observer, spectator
Clapping hands, the audience alive
Will distract the stage, show
Maybe make a player, lover
Miss a step, trip out of step
Distractions, a bump

She's a beauty to behold
Him, in love, almost
It seems, a worship
Worthy goddess
Worthy love
For the men that make me think they might not be all the same, and will love her on her own terms...
For all the women, true to themselves, we must help them be the men we need them to be. Do something to show them they're on the right path.
So much love today! It's overwhelming!
345 · Oct 2014
Pretty Dreams
The Unbeliever Oct 2014
Only a taste
That's all I get
Fleeting moments
Happy thoughts, a tease
I'll get just that

But they're longer and longer
Between there and now
The day's roll by
Where happiness is constant
Rather than elusive

Feelings of guilt
For those that don't have it
But then I'm appreciative
Because for the longest
I wasn't
344 · Aug 2014
Beaches and Pines
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
It's quite the smell
Of the ocean, cliffs below
Waves crushing rocks
Wearing them down
With the smell of the sea

Around us, held by the forest
Pines prevalent, highlight the remoteness
Keeping us secluded, safe
From the crowds, from the people
Masses of eyes, always stripping me
******* and molesting me
Imagining their hands on me

Far away, far above
Embracing the taste of salt on the air
Blankets of pine needles
Nature's rug for the barefoot soul
Here I can be naked

Baring my soul, free
I can write, leave my mark
Feel the sun rise behind me
And expose my ink,
For the world to see

Not alone, he protects
Pressing against me, held
Not a burden, not anymore
A warmth, love, of being
Nature' fences and emotional
Security; every sense supporting
And given to just me
I am so happy right now, I wish these moments could last forever
344 · Sep 2014
The Shell
The Unbeliever Sep 2014
Embrotic memories of a time
Pieced together and stitched
An incomplete puzzle
From the childhood nightmare
Like reflections
In shattered glass
Staring back

The child stares at me
Probably wondering, curious
Questioning how this came to be
When the memories push
Catapulting me into the present

A journey built on a foundation
Always seeming to crumble
With every step, splitting
Between right and the conditioning
Depression looms, drowning darkness
I see the light, diffused above
Reaching I gasp, crying

Shadows twist and tangle
From the weeds pulling me back
A touch, gentle, a grip
Takes my hand, pulling
My face breaks the surface

A lover's kiss, no
The Lover's Kiss, Devine
Breaks my lips
Breathes, gives, sparks life
Hope
That takes me from the edge
Dispels darkness, clears for light

Forever I'll struggle
Tempted by others
Taunted by the past
Threatening to topple
I am resolved to stand

The shell is broken
My child grins, plays
In my shadow, my present
Gives, providing her safety
Not then, but now,
I love you, My Eternal
342 · Jul 2014
Paper Boots
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
So long I travel
Stumbling along
Broken knees
Twisted ankles
wants and needs

Worn through
My shoes are worn
A testament to wear
No longer protecting
Just to hide my toes
On and on I go
Hiding me

My baggage is great
Its weight, cumbersome
Hairy, ugly and mine
My children, they cry
My men, they leave
Driven before me
I seek, they die

Fate for my pains
My mother, she binds
Taking me closer
Tying me to her lies
Shackled, dependent

Stolen dreams, for her
Artists' dreams gone bye
Peace in the memories
Her beatings, won't die
Her guilt made mine
A pawn til she dies
Slaved, ***** my mind

Years ago
I spoke my mind
I took her power
Crushed her spine
Stood, myself

Freedom was hard, broken fine
But glass became diamonds
And to heal, so hard
Her whips are lost
Her leash now gone
I got my freedom
My chance to cry

I wear these boots
Because of the ride
To walk on my own
Such a journey's home
Walking on broken glass
342 · Aug 2014
Wings of the Moon
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
A fall's chill wind
Like silver garland
Stings the earth
Bringing Jack's frost
Through the wood

He touches, gentle
Then, fierce, a want
Kisses finger tips
Wrists then thighs
Hands outstretched
Chest, face on the bed
Knees apart brought up
Back ached, pleasures in bed

Rough in places, touched instead
Opened, taken, dripping wet
Dressed in leather, fishnets
******* pressed hard, hands locked ahead
Heels, black, thigh highed and red
For him I am his, for my pleasure, I said

Let me be taken, on this satin bed
Bound by steel, and silken thread
In candle light, oiled I wait
Not begging for sin
But waiting for him

He takes me in kind
Roughly, like fury
I buck, and let ****
My skin likes him

Together we ***
But for me, I win
Mine lasts longer

Almost forever, for
His soft hands wring

I am, for whom he lives
For all my Girls in love tonight, whatever the forms!
341 · Aug 2014
Two Trees
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Once upon a time
A man planted two trees
Maybe a symbol
To a lover, a history lost
Maybe just because

I bought the house
And the trees came with
Grown and strong
First apart and then adjoined
At their base, they were separate
By time, they joined
Leaning on each other

Their strength was together
Withering many storms
Winds that crashed
All too many others
And they were the last I owned

One day they fell, some fool
Brought nails, too early on
Pegged a sign, maybe for some yard sale
And the nail was planted
But they grew around
Thought, together
Thought they were strong

But the trees felt rot
It crept right in
They had ignored the wedge
Guilt and rot set in
And, together they fell

Their roots, I found
Together, tangled and proud
I couldn't tell, one from another
So close they had grown
How broken they ripped
The trees were close
Almost just as one

The greatest trial they faced
And that bit of nail
Rusted and brown
A storm like no other
Brought them both down

One fell away, another the other
Both against even the wind
The great storm, just another
They broke at the nail
Created by another
Such a small thing
But never recovered
334 · Sep 2014
Wicked in Sin
The Unbeliever Sep 2014
I'll make the devil blush
Turn his head with my legs
Heave heavy in his breast
My pleasure in laughter
Wincing when he delivers

A Catholic sin, to be so full
Riding it like a bull
Enjoying the drip
Flushing body
Replenishing soul
Good thing my God
Has blessed me with this
Insatiability and the chance
To heal, to be pleasures, pleasured
Killing off the demons in my mind
I'm built for speed, sleek, lithe
Hard bodies, desperately in love
Show it with my grind
Indulge it in kind
Hips bring quivering thighs
High heels, fishnets
Behind closed doors
My Man knows how to please
With lips, hands such a tease
Bringing waves, little deaths
One by one, until the big one
A sensual massage
That lasts for hours
To which, I lose
My mind
330 · Aug 2014
Fallen trees
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Broken branches
Storm's reprieve
Greens turn
Browns leaves
Broken dreams

Lonely tree
Fallen breeze
Dying tease
Laying softly
Sleeping needs
Wasted trunk
Wormed whole
325 · Aug 2014
To a Name
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Words are power
Creating and building
No unringing a bell
They were said without conscious
Without thinking too well
Sharp tongues
Blister then swell

Listen, listen well
Love sometimes cools
Pretends to die down
True love is passion
Romantics, that's swell
But in real life
It's different

Love is a fire
It burns and swells
But sometimes
It smoldered
It dies

For true romantics
Pure hearts,
Who am I to tell?
But I know this
There is nothing but hell
In love, real romantics, do tell
No matter the fire

A liar will tell
I know her name
Poor broken soul
Take hold your man
Through him, save your soul
322 · Jul 2014
wedge
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Its late or early
The wee hours have come
my mind, ashambles, my mind arace
I think of the past, relive all moments
My passion, alust

Its a chemical thing
I am my own drug
Want to rage, throw
Tantrum and moan
Scream at the world
So unfair
My own

Chances have come
and then they have gone
My path, I realize, only now
my wasteful own
why me, why this

Some have told me, again and again
Time for this chance or that
but I fought, stubborn in my bones
Argued for spite, for independence
unknown

I want what I want
Need for my own
He said its not done
My dreams just ahold
My will not my own

My youth was spent
Independence so broken
I rely on the leash
The teather of the known
I lied to myself
Not brave, and scared
To my soul

He pushed me so hard
Beyond my will
To shatter my strength
But creating grand art
Desires yet unknown

I couldn't see, would not stray
All I know, destroys his trust
I built the wedge
To break what I love
to deny my soul
320 · Aug 2014
Strife
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Drowning, numb to fate
I want to let it all go
Bring peace to where
I wouldn't know
It's all a mess

Emotional swirls
Flushing all away
I just can't believe
He promised, vowed
And I meant nothing
Robbed of hopes
Mentally *****

It's a dark, dark soul
Evil in its form
To act without concern
To think to ones self
I just don't care

Who is this *****?
Another broken soul?
Why couldn't she find her own
Someone loves her
Much I'm sure
Tortured, now
There is no cure

Hatred consumes me
Burns with passion
A mess of flame
So confusing
Broken love

How is this?
I still love
How pathetic am I?
What does this make me?
Am I ***** like that?
Round and round
Circles, patterns pass
314 · Oct 2014
Urges
The Unbeliever Oct 2014
Behind my eyes
Resides a beast
An animal
Barely controlled
On a thin leash

It looks at you
Through everyone
Past you
All you are
Just another meal

I see you
But you don't understand
With your
"My you have pretty eyes,"
I see you as flesh
Something to be devoured

My hands hook to claws
My fingers itch for blood
My mouth waters
For a taste of your meat

I lick my lips
And speak pretty
I fear my eyes betray me
But you'll lie
And be trapped
Old news for a past... Toy;)
312 · Jul 2014
lightly salted and crispy
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
What would I like?
Rage, encompasses me like a drug
Entering the vein, keeping me askew
Such a question, how dare he even ask
If I wanted it, I would have gotten it myself

I have no need for him
The object of my distain
Need not apply, do not pass go
Do not collect, will not
He will not trap me
with glass jewels
or painted rocks

The way is clear, ill will
twisted desires
They say a poet
wears her heart
on her sleeve
But is immune
To others minds

I will show this silly fool
the error of his way
Not even a glance
Nor blink
his way

Look at him, so pathetic; his way
always trying, he thinks he can save
Its me, not him, who has to save
Not his job, he doesn't know
I bait him, cut his dreams
He is a nothing, ant
lost his chance

But oiled his might
a boiled snack
Maybe on the side
Such a wasted little man
I eat him up,
Spit out
his remians

Such a bitter taste
So long ago
I learned
The waste
when it was a meal
310 · Sep 2014
Breathe
The Unbeliever Sep 2014
Slowly
A
Feather
Falls
Low

Discarded by its wing
Dropped away
Without a thought

It drifted, pulled
Pushed
By currents
Beyond it's control
Tugged and tousled
Tossed like a boat in the storm

This is life
Too many thrown away
Drifting to make a difference
Or crushed beneath the heels of bills

Bouncing back and forth
Without, they say, their chance
But, it's personal
When I say
The chance
Is in your
Hands
Right
Now

So take a breathe
Take another
Look to the skies, the stars
Then grit your teeth
Work your fingers
They'll bleed
You'll pay
But

In the end, you'll see
You are the shining
You were meant to be
306 · Aug 2014
Rules
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
It is a rule
For a cheating heart
If you do it once
You will again
Time will prove

How ever you justify
How ever you cry
Cheating is hard
It makes secrets
And lies
Hidden accounts
Words have power

Choices always tower
Tell yourself it's nothing
Emotionless ties
But it's the lies to yourself
Undermine your pride

The rules are simple
To one you are tied
Forever is forever
Love does not die
Your cheating heart
Deny, deny
Only to yourself

Always you lie
305 · Aug 2014
Stone
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Written on paper, handwritten mess
Swirls of cursive, great, fancy lines
Another generation, or maybe two
Won't see the art, can't read it's ink
In three, the best, the paper lost

Maybe a scrap, burned, incinerated
Thrown by a child, young woman's maybe
Remnants of a past, great, great grandmama's fire
Doesn't open the note
A journal unread
It's wasn't written in stone
Only temporary, illusion art

A woman deserves, poet's heart
To write in stone, a love that lasts
Too heavy to throw
Hard to burn
Written in stone

The most precarious of words
Linger and doubt, remove all that
Not written in water, sand or spout
Give to history, not shapeless grave stone
Something to be passed
Proven in stone
302 · Jul 2014
Pride
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
My pride is all I have
its my blanket
its all I have left
threadbare
as it is

I have laid my soul
to sleep, gently
behind bars, far
and protected
walled
away

My truest being has been torn
The flower of my love
wilted, in the night
his heart unknown
words, just words

He would tell me so often, three words
it became common place, I know
every morning, drifting, warm
barely awake, but I knew
it couldn't be, couldn't
nothing is true
men lie

He'd speak to me of beauty, mine, I don't understand
the lie was in his voice, I told him, not his eyes
at first he would protest, he believed
then he would say nothing, his eyes
didn't let me see the hurt

I could never read him right
I could never trust him
I fall back on what
I fall back on me
I am right
I know
I am
I

How could he be true, real?
He tells me everything
He knows I don't
Listen anymore
Don't believe

I yearn for freedom
Earned my due
paid my prices
gaping holes,
and scars...
and tears;
I cry

I have my pride, I have my soul
its protected from the world
its protected from him
He cannot be truth
So different

I drove him off, twist his words
because I know I'm right
I know what all men
wants, needs, lusts
not me, not mine
I ignored all the
lies

But what if he was true
what if what he gave
so much, away
but he kept
saying it

I reply with what he hates, twisting
he knows I am lost, his eyes
ridicule his words, his soul
push him, driving him
He'll stop, he'll leave
He stops; leaves
I am pride
299 · Aug 2014
The strangulation
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Do you know the feeling?
Air being forced from your breast
Drowning, without water
Air, close, but no regard
Heart ahammer

I remember the feelings
Desperate
Clawing
Panicking
Betrayal
And
Fear

It came as a surprise
But inside I knew
Denying my instincts
Something about him changed
Uninterested, just motions

I had found his letters to her
Pictures of him, so far from home
Sent to her, what I asked for
I pleaded, almost cried for
Attempts to be close

Lies, left out for me to see
Couldn't even delete the evidence
A thorough betrayal of heart

I see it now again
Youth, another heart to be broken
What has happened once
Will happen again
Do these men know?
What a woman can feel?
Cuts her down, destroys her

On one hand, beautiful words
Promises and dreams
Trust misplaced
Eating at the soul
Ignoring her

Deepest emotions
But worn on the sleeve
A pattern of pain
I can only imagine
Her devotion true
Every thought of him
Her love's warm hold

He strays, first nothing
But words, beautiful words
Time spent away, he stays away
Writing with intention
Emotionally ******

Broken promises
Vows, turned lies
To have and to hold, *******
For better or worse, lies
Til death do we part, only when I die

And that's me
Dead now, a small part
Never did we speak
About how I felt
How he made me feel
That crushing weight
That put nails to my coffin

I see the pattern again and again
I cannot believe the strength it would take
To go past something like that
Men, liars and cheats
Don't they know how their words
Become actions, words build

All lies
293 · Jul 2014
I Did
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
So much of my life is my own fault
I want this, I need that, I, I, I
Rustified, circular logic
so alone, its unfair
deserving no one

He came, brought me to him, took me to him
showed me a bright, thoundering light
I could only, desperately
shy away, turn my eyes
look alway, flinch
at his gentlist touch
turn his words
to lies

This fit my reality, fit my truth
I had to mold him to a pattern
break him, to prove my worth
laugh at his quiet peace
interrupt his turn

intruduce him to my bleak world, pain
misery, sharp, thorned radiators
blame him for my pain
cut him, a razor's
sharpest tongue
my brittle,
poor, dry
self

He is so free, my resentment boils
shouldering responsibility
a firey, solid life
to which, my forfiet
is complete, sold
my pennance

slavery is my only worth, my only lot, its a woman's place
the strings are cables, heavy chains, locking bolts
keeping me safe, its my only precedent
I won't let him, can't trust him
cut me loose, weigh me down
with responsibilities
I have done enough

freedom is not my sorry life, flashing
resentment controls my choice, burns
broken will, regrets, hate, so
I am will, refusal to change
it is all I know

I will cherish and keep it close
for better, for bitter worth
for worse, in wilting sick
and health, such a vow
my marriage shift lost
promises broken
he didn't lie
286 · Jul 2014
Hail & Fire
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Close now
The storm approaches
Electric smells in the air
A running dog
Down the street

The screech of tires
Bump, another choice
The Hand of God
From windows glimpse
A woman kicks
The dog yelps
Limping, runs off

Clouds ahead, all over gray
Like my mood, my life
It's starts soon, reflecting mind
Someday, it all comes down

Tips and taps, just noise
Rain, then suddenly
The louder noise of hail
Breaking leaves, falling trees
So numb, a spectator of life
Great sparks, arcing high
Just in front, close lines clipped

Watching now, powerless, free
It's not for me, not mine
The lights go out, the smell of gas
Eyelids heavy, tired now
I must have light

A pretty candle, soft vanilla
Maybe a bath, maybe a nap
Maybe a snack; a nip
I light the match, it flares bright
Thunder outside, lightning behind
A beating, pounding storm
Against my cage

Tricked by night, dark thoughts too
My face is lined, no longer young
My children grown
My hair now gray
Skin loss taunt

Nothing left; I think back
To empty compliments
That I didn't believe
His eyes always pierced
Always to read
He said beautiful
Lies, I can see

I am done, take me please
Return me to love
Sait my desires, needs
Letters unsent, his desperate need
Words, fired, lies, unseen

Chilling night; please hold close
Ignore my words, just take me please
Tree limbs fall, the wind a fiend
Ache in my groin, lust and need
Not a specator's need, strong vanilla air

Hear the noise, hidden by walls
Doors slamming closed
Keep me from the rain, the wet
Falling a skies and tearing trees
God's quick Hand

Another candle, lighter red and long
I don't want this smell, oily slick
Snap, snap, click, click
It fires again, flares in black
But the fire is large, bright in quick
Everything burns; everything gone
Breathing fire, a spectator lost
282 · Aug 2014
Some devils
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
They exist in our minds
A scourge behind the face of man
Hold us in cages of our own making
Torture us with anxieties and lies
Warping us to thing
We don't want to be

How much better would it be
To see the world without their eyes
Live without the walls
Or at least, not be alone
To have just one
And to set the example
For others to be

Let the demons out
Maybe love
Will slow them down
In the deepest hole
Filled with more
Buried deep

Set me free
Let it go
Be filled with
And to finally
Give it back
Love
281 · Aug 2014
Need
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
It's been so long
Since I could connect
A beautiful symphony
Of bodies, blending and one
Together

His breath, so hard
Heartbeats together
Wanting and needing
Twisting and teasing
Legs entwined
A wonderful dance
Of lips and tongues

I missed his caress
His desperate ***
That feeling of rightness
In me, thirsting drink
Such grinding warmth

Bodies like caramel
In candles light
Soft, pounding music
Vanilla scents delight
Overwhelming fires
All senses enrapture
Sensual, hungry, deeds

All questions ignored
Murmured voices cry out
Asking and plead
More, for me
Please
280 · Sep 2014
The Wise Man
The Unbeliever Sep 2014
Sits up on a mountain
But turns all those
Who come away

He'll spend a day
Maybe four or five
And eat what he likes

A solitary life
Up, up, up
Down, down, down

He might wonder
Which is more difficult
The ups or downs

But if you asked
And if he answered
It would be neither

And leave you
In question
Because

You wouldn't get it
It would be the journey
And he's trying to make it
280 · Jul 2014
Anger, Self-inflicted
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Freedom, elusive
beckons, cries
outstretched, grasping
drowning, breath
trivial, caged

this is her life
gave up on her dreams
lost all her hope
throwing away her future
for spite and pride
desperate for life
she thinks she's lost love

she could say
just a word
she could whisper
she'd try
but pride, so fierce

heart, broken
soul, crushed
chains, clasping
caged, safe
straining, lashing
gnashing, fear

her tether, her leash
her safety and the desperate lie
she tells to herself
so secret
(everyone knows)

she clipped her own wings
she can never forgive
she denies her chance
she proves she's right
she is bitter but its true
she needs to be
she adds the steel to her chains

freedom, institutionalized
little, furious
rage, transference
flame, fire
passion, lies

her reality is a child's, a tantrum
her dream's lost; she refuses anything more
her faith is misplaced; it isn't God's
her man's been driven, cast away
her fears driven to reality
her book has been written
she pens the pages herself

crying, wasted
last, desperate
pride, weakness
weakness, soliloquy
feeble, falling
277 · Sep 2014
This I Do Declare
The Unbeliever Sep 2014
Be shade, beast or man
Hark, listen just to be clear
Beware lines in sand
276 · Jul 2014
Man
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Man
I hate you all
So full of confidence
With all made for lust
Cheaters, cursed hearts
Nothing to you matters

You made like this
Proved my worth
My mind, my ***
Made me a *****
Revenge, a cheat
Crushed my love
Worthless, bayed

I can never trust
Never fair
I see your clumsy groping hands
Not just here, but everywhere
Women, never safe, guarded, scared

I take my pleasure
With your grounded bones
My knife in your back
My claws in your guts
Blood on my fangs
I **** from your life
Drain you whole

You are not worth my time
Not worth my heels
You destroyed my ability to love
Untrustful and bitter
Jaded, sour, and *****

I hate you all
Blame you; die
I'll **** you slow
**** your minds
Bind you in leather
Beat you with b' wire
Slaves, you all, to lust

I might have been
I could have done
I cannot trust
I'll have revenge
I'll bleed you dry
271 · Jul 2014
Strange Moonlight
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Where are you now?
I look in to your eyes
Don't see your gaze
Broken trees brush the sky
To the scent of dead leaves

So far away,
Hide your face
Half hidden, close friend
Clouds drift, lazy in haze
Twinkling stars
Paint your sky
Heartbeats away

Gone so quick
World turns so low
You've seen so much
Above and below
All our stories, quick

Whites and greys, greens
Brown mountains wear
Blues oceans, they spray
Invisible winds, haunt the air
Sing your song, no one cares
A melody of sweet chance
Broken hearted last dare

Stone angels protect
A child's long sleep
Away, poor angel
Give wing to leaf
Please serve and keep

You've seen them all
From Christian to Zeus
Which is which, who is who?
They take before time
Leave us here to die
Threaten, and cry
Broken, you fly

Your strings, I can't see
Float there lonely, never turning
Your mind does not sleep
I have one question,
Just why?
270 · Jul 2014
Deep Fight
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Always so close
Words, I trifle
Fury, thy rise
Cut off my sense
My hands tingle
Rage in my head
Darkness, thine

Murmured words
Nothing to lose
Tongues slash
Clothes torn
His lips on mine

Want this release
I **** him just fine
Gouge his shoulders
My teeth taste skin
Legs lock his intwist
Driving my hips
Then biting his lips

Only my anger, desperate
And not me, I take his head
So different, I am
This is not me
Lust, passion
Hard, swift
Come, I twist

His face in shock
Grip, hugging him hard
He wanted this desire
I draw blood, my fire
It comes, it comes

Hatred it brings
Shame, for me
This base
Maybe love
Eruptions
I shake

Why can't I be like this?
Returning no lies
Just passion
Embodied
I erupt again

Sweat and blood, fluids galore
Hard between thighs
Like a thief, I take
Here I am true
Here I awake
Pin, and ****
Deepest in fire

He holds but I fight
Dig in my nails
Pound him and break
Another fierce lie
Physical, unkind

Who is this?
My body, screams
My mind, in shame
Too good, not for me
Retreat, draw away
My body betrays

He takes me now
Whisper for more
His fingers play tunes
My neck, my ***
Open my thighs
**** me some more
Harder, please

My mind retreats more
What I want, again just need
He pulls me hard, deep
Almost mean
Love, not mean

Close he comes
Callapsing skin to me
He wants to take me close
I want such more
Not sainted now
Not saited; more!
Give me more!

I say no words, my mind itself
Deposit his seed
I would ask for more
But too shy, polite for need
Why doesn't he know?

I say no words, no gentle touch
He doesn't know hints
Silence, tormented friend
Why can't I speak?
Why can't I take?
Why like this?
270 · Jul 2014
Reprive
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Sleep in its joyous embrace
drifting and warmed by the fire of the dreams
a treasured commodity
worth more than gold
its a happiness that is only broken
by the wasted day approaching
the first thought to break its hold
warmth of the lover's arms
dragging and lost
weighted against my soul
265 · Jul 2014
Feathering
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
The flames roar high
Teasing heat, the devils game
Chorused demons wail
Fires dance without light
Moonsung only light

Angels scream in songs
So beautiful, such hatred, rage
Fighting claw tipped wings
Buffetted winds in storm
I look above to see
nothing but
Bloodied feathers falling

This is the heaven, or maybe hell
Promised from pulpits, pastered mouthes
A place of torment, shattered light
A place of hell in heaven's
crusty, fallen shell

God looks down, a sorry state
His face of sadness, little interest of late
His angels, fight, die, and procreate
the demons angels
themselves delete
No peace for or
For other

Not the heaven I wanted
Nor God of power
He placed me here
To gaze up, writhe
Past hate
Final revenge
A soul's debate

Its not fair!
Screamed from broken lips
Defied His words
His council
His fate

I watch these feathers
Bloodied, unworn
float to down to me
So beautiful, such a state
Float to me, come down

One, slides on down
Touching, brushing my face
A touch of heaven
Of peace, knowing
He turned his face
I cannot blink
Cannot hate

Bound by hand and foot
Taken by the beautiful
And disgusting at whim
Less than a battlefield trophy
I stare at his face

Mine is eternal ****
Bathed in fresh blood
My legs spread wide
I am torn deep again
ravenge over and over

Forced to see His face
sins of my pride, beauty, and ***
He never looks my way
But kills his angels
Their feathers
My bed
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