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The Unbeliever Sep 2014
If there was a way to wither all storms
That protection would be a house
More, a home
Built of stone
Solid wood
Steel and
To last

The home will be strong
Built solid, on stone
Anchored deep
Bedrock, firm

Many will knock
And more will come
They'll be turned away
Cast out for their fears
And bringing unrest
Their storms are not wanted
And the home will stand

It is strong, not of straw
Not on sand, not to blow
The winds will not crash down
Not storm, only a light rain
Maybe repair a bit here
Or there

That's the price of a home
Building protection
From the storm
Defying the world
And being alive
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Its so strange, to have a sister
Not one of blood, but worse, born in pain
Did she dream of one day her real mother
Coming to the door?
Would she pack a bag
or leave without saying good bye?
Did she dream of this like me?

Its so weird, for her to say to me
The things I think, felt and feel
Its like a racetrack
going off the rails
But so sad

You know all the whys
All the hows, and deep scars
A hiding game of
Don't say this, admit that
I know where the secrets are
What pains most, at right now
How it eats, and twists the knife

And perfectly why
my mirror won't say
Never admit, never surrender
The pain, pain, pain
Broken shards, mirror me
Almost exactly the same way

Are we so similar, half a world away
that when I read your words, I feel your pain
How could we both be broken, exactly the same way?
Mother's, father's and loves, heartbreak and children done
Then to see the pain, a recent secret she won't give away

But don't you worry, Dear, its safe with me
I won't bring it up, I'll let it be
If you want to talk, I am all ears
But you've done everything but scream it
Trying to hide it, all but saying the words
Its such a great pain, only we might know
Let the weight of it relax, let me hold you close

Scary, that we're sisters, born of pain
Histories, have been
Too similar in experience,
I want nothing more than
to be sure your success
For one in particular, but for all the other women out there that have been abused, shut out and destroyed by their pasts, and have done things that they are not proud of, only to keep it close to their chests and let it eat at them until they can let it out: You are not alone.
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Freedom, elusive
beckons, cries
outstretched, grasping
drowning, breath
trivial, caged

this is her life
gave up on her dreams
lost all her hope
throwing away her future
for spite and pride
desperate for life
she thinks she's lost love

she could say
just a word
she could whisper
she'd try
but pride, so fierce

heart, broken
soul, crushed
chains, clasping
caged, safe
straining, lashing
gnashing, fear

her tether, her leash
her safety and the desperate lie
she tells to herself
so secret
(everyone knows)

she clipped her own wings
she can never forgive
she denies her chance
she proves she's right
she is bitter but its true
she needs to be
she adds the steel to her chains

freedom, institutionalized
little, furious
rage, transference
flame, fire
passion, lies

her reality is a child's, a tantrum
her dream's lost; she refuses anything more
her faith is misplaced; it isn't God's
her man's been driven, cast away
her fears driven to reality
her book has been written
she pens the pages herself

crying, wasted
last, desperate
pride, weakness
weakness, soliloquy
feeble, falling
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Slippery *****
Down a slide
Oiled with tears
Polished with rage
hot passioned
I cannot stop
I ride
Memories of truest love, regret for my part in losing it
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
It's powerful
Like a mantra
Saying something
Simple like
I am

But it's more than
Not the declaration
No, not that, different
Its meaning clear
More pure

Who I am
Accepting, learning
Yearning, growth,

To see myself
Through I jaded eyes
To forgive my mistakes
Without pause, only praise
Why can't it be me?

Why can't i simply be?
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
It's quite the smell
Of the ocean, cliffs below
Waves crushing rocks
Wearing them down
With the smell of the sea

Around us, held by the forest
Pines prevalent, highlight the remoteness
Keeping us secluded, safe
From the crowds, from the people
Masses of eyes, always stripping me
******* and molesting me
Imagining their hands on me

Far away, far above
Embracing the taste of salt on the air
Blankets of pine needles
Nature's rug for the barefoot soul
Here I can be naked

Baring my soul, free
I can write, leave my mark
Feel the sun rise behind me
And expose my ink,
For the world to see

Not alone, he protects
Pressing against me, held
Not a burden, not anymore
A warmth, love, of being
Nature' fences and emotional
Security; every sense supporting
And given to just me
I am so happy right now, I wish these moments could last forever
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Is it so hard?
to reach for what you love
to not tip your hat to fate
claw your way out from the cage
its all in your mind anyways, right?

the breadth and depth of mirrors
a broken, twisting, reflection
always looking, falling, back
living for a broken past
making the punishment
the present

Everyone lives their own dark reality
So hard a lesson to learn, myself?
those silly, hated, optimists
realists on their high horses
They only hurt themselves, myself

Its the truest treason, a betrayal even, of the soul
when all it is is a fair, and balanced, and perfect
meal of broken, slivered, and horrible glass
a tongue of sharpest and cruelest diamonds
slicing, cutting, splintering the insides
pinching, twisting your lungs
breaking your heart

Is it so hard?
when you wrote the words yourself?
you build the characters
in your life, in theirs?
not for what they are?
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Nothing more
Just a being
Yearning for joy
For freedom
For worth

Never that someone
You hoped to be
Never that one
You wished you were
Not worth more
Than the ache
between your thighs

When you see your worth
It wont be in a reflection
No mirror is worthy
your mind, it lies
a soft, quick lie

From the mouths
of the past
Deaf to the cries
The words spoken
From true life's kiss

I kiss his eyes
wish him well
He is not for me
Too good
Too well

Broken, my mind
but yet he stayed
My wraith is broken
against his faith
against his belief

Not in God, nor man, nor machine
he loved me deep, I drown in waste
he pushed me hard, against my will
told me tough, taught me well
I left him far, made him dies

I'll leave just now
his kiss in my lips
he gave me his love
I taught him emotion
I taught him pain

I was simply born
Nothing but pain
Suffering and distain
I give you new birth
Twisted, my worth
Love, lost
The Unbeliever Sep 2014

Discarded by its wing
Dropped away
Without a thought

It drifted, pulled
By currents
Beyond it's control
Tugged and tousled
Tossed like a boat in the storm

This is life
Too many thrown away
Drifting to make a difference
Or crushed beneath the heels of bills

Bouncing back and forth
Without, they say, their chance
But, it's personal
When I say
The chance
Is in your

So take a breathe
Take another
Look to the skies, the stars
Then grit your teeth
Work your fingers
They'll bleed
You'll pay

In the end, you'll see
You are the shining
You were meant to be
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
I look down upon these hands of mine
long artist's fingers, worn, callused, padded, and harsh
I have wanted, needed to build so much
but they are not up to the task
they are tired, need to rest

I have shouldered a future I do not want
those to care for, those to bow to
I cannot see the future, once so bright
my sight has dimmed, bitter, broken light
a glimmer here, a glimmer there
that all I allow to distract my path

Its a path, thats all I know
sparkles in the distances
Isolated, broken glass is all I'm worth
twisting in a gale, I refuse to change
round and round nothing to change

Is an angel's wings beating my soul?
steel tipped feathers to the bone?
I hear the voices, but I think they lie
the truth is reality, ****** broad
I know my fate, to be alone and bound
my hands, broken, bleeding, cold

I cry, gashing my eyes with tears
this cold, cold world
I made this place,
with broken hands,
my own
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
So much of life
Is wasted
Nine to Five

Exhaustion cripples
Down time, anxiety
Controls the next

Worry about bills
The looming certainty
And lingering doubt

Up at early
The pattern
Hardly broken

A vacation spent
Away; life's return
Still follows how

The training of
Nine to five
Work and life

But coffee copes
When the restless
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
My number four
Lucky four, I always said
You're leaving now
In and gone
A gentle breeze

Your touch was fire
Passionate flame
Waking in me
Desires, love, untamed
I've lost you now
Mother's newest bane
Your lies uncovered

Your notes destroyed
Your poems in flame
Stories, lost, unwritten shame
Stolen glances, stolen lies
Shattered diamond times

Our pasts so similar
But I had broken my chains
I loved you, dear
Written in stone
I though love prevailed
Romantic hearts bounds untied
Too many others forcing lies

You listen to them
Should listen to me
I am you wife
Not just a friend
Talk! Talk to me!

Your mother, she called
Accusing, ***** lies
Talks so nice, severing ties
I took you from her
You choose me, not her
Trying to break her binds
I chose you, together we're fine

Three years, no job, I let you write
Housekeep you make
Never cleaning deep
You complain about bills
Complain for spite

But you'll **** me tonight
No love, not for me
Only to take
You want to break my will
Break my fight
But you'll never know
Inside, I'm light
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Always so close
Words, I trifle
Fury, thy rise
Cut off my sense
My hands tingle
Rage in my head
Darkness, thine

Murmured words
Nothing to lose
Tongues slash
Clothes torn
His lips on mine

Want this release
I **** him just fine
Gouge his shoulders
My teeth taste skin
Legs lock his intwist
Driving my hips
Then biting his lips

Only my anger, desperate
And not me, I take his head
So different, I am
This is not me
Lust, passion
Hard, swift
Come, I twist

His face in shock
Grip, hugging him hard
He wanted this desire
I draw blood, my fire
It comes, it comes

Hatred it brings
Shame, for me
This base
Maybe love
I shake

Why can't I be like this?
Returning no lies
Just passion
I erupt again

Sweat and blood, fluids galore
Hard between thighs
Like a thief, I take
Here I am true
Here I awake
Pin, and ****
Deepest in fire

He holds but I fight
Dig in my nails
Pound him and break
Another fierce lie
Physical, unkind

Who is this?
My body, screams
My mind, in shame
Too good, not for me
Retreat, draw away
My body betrays

He takes me now
Whisper for more
His fingers play tunes
My neck, my ***
Open my thighs
**** me some more
Harder, please

My mind retreats more
What I want, again just need
He pulls me hard, deep
Almost mean
Love, not mean

Close he comes
Callapsing skin to me
He wants to take me close
I want such more
Not sainted now
Not saited; more!
Give me more!

I say no words, my mind itself
Deposit his seed
I would ask for more
But too shy, polite for need
Why doesn't he know?

I say no words, no gentle touch
He doesn't know hints
Silence, tormented friend
Why can't I speak?
Why can't I take?
Why like this?
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
They take such work
So many people
So little time
I wanted my dream
So badly I ached
So much to learn
Freedom, it burns

I wanted badly
But not enough to work
Always a reason
Always a lie
I hate myself

Get it myself
Get busy, forlorn days
Once, to be an artist
Talents thought lost
Hands don't walk
My mind doesn't see
No imagination to find

Now, it's been so long
Gave me paper, beautiful pad
Pencils, erasers, everything
I looked at him in distain
Mock my private, lost dreams

It's over, done gone.
My chances past
My future is not mine
He shook, he lied
Not over, just postponed
The future is yours

Not for pencil
But now for ink
I write, paint with words
Work, rubbing fingers to bone
Flipping papers, cuts and tone
Ink, so black, perfect paper, words
First one then two, then three more

Slow at first, no money to burn
I sold just one, then two, then three more
He paused, looks so proud
I crushed his soul, but he found my book
Didn't notice I saw

He shed a tear, one I could never make
He had said I could, but his words meant nothing
Nothing he said, I ignored it all
Wouldn't be learned
It took such work; pitiless toil
I hate him so
For believing

For me
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
It's right there
All I have to do is close my hand
But it's me, always me
Too scared, built on fear
Everything is too much
Retreat, if not, TEAR
Burn bridges, just run

Everything I wanted
Let me have it all
A silver platter
I'll knock it down
See it clatter
Dent it, all
Break it

One more time

I want it so bad
Something healthy
Pure and fine
Silvered lining
And mine

Someday in Heaven
All these choices
Be clear
Right now
Too close

It's anxiety's fear
What would I do?
Who could I be?
Something he sees
I'm afraid it's not me

What if he's right?
I could be what I love
If happiness is so near
How do I cope?
Where would I run?
To him, arms open wide
To have and to hold?

Could he really still what I hide?
All my demons inside?
My mother's voice
Raising concern, harping
Shrill and painful

Raising doubt
Making me hate
Scared of myself
Bringing strife
Encouraging lies
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Broken branches
Storm's reprieve
Greens turn
Browns leaves
Broken dreams

Lonely tree
Fallen breeze
Dying tease
Laying softly
Sleeping needs
Wasted trunk
Wormed whole
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
The flames roar high
Teasing heat, the devils game
Chorused demons wail
Fires dance without light
Moonsung only light

Angels scream in songs
So beautiful, such hatred, rage
Fighting claw tipped wings
Buffetted winds in storm
I look above to see
nothing but
Bloodied feathers falling

This is the heaven, or maybe hell
Promised from pulpits, pastered mouthes
A place of torment, shattered light
A place of hell in heaven's
crusty, fallen shell

God looks down, a sorry state
His face of sadness, little interest of late
His angels, fight, die, and procreate
the demons angels
themselves delete
No peace for or
For other

Not the heaven I wanted
Nor God of power
He placed me here
To gaze up, writhe
Past hate
Final revenge
A soul's debate

Its not fair!
Screamed from broken lips
Defied His words
His council
His fate

I watch these feathers
Bloodied, unworn
float to down to me
So beautiful, such a state
Float to me, come down

One, slides on down
Touching, brushing my face
A touch of heaven
Of peace, knowing
He turned his face
I cannot blink
Cannot hate

Bound by hand and foot
Taken by the beautiful
And disgusting at whim
Less than a battlefield trophy
I stare at his face

Mine is eternal ****
Bathed in fresh blood
My legs spread wide
I am torn deep again
ravenge over and over

Forced to see His face
sins of my pride, beauty, and ***
He never looks my way
But kills his angels
Their feathers
My bed
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Close now
The storm approaches
Electric smells in the air
A running dog
Down the street

The screech of tires
Bump, another choice
The Hand of God
From windows glimpse
A woman kicks
The dog yelps
Limping, runs off

Clouds ahead, all over gray
Like my mood, my life
It's starts soon, reflecting mind
Someday, it all comes down

Tips and taps, just noise
Rain, then suddenly
The louder noise of hail
Breaking leaves, falling trees
So numb, a spectator of life
Great sparks, arcing high
Just in front, close lines clipped

Watching now, powerless, free
It's not for me, not mine
The lights go out, the smell of gas
Eyelids heavy, tired now
I must have light

A pretty candle, soft vanilla
Maybe a bath, maybe a nap
Maybe a snack; a nip
I light the match, it flares bright
Thunder outside, lightning behind
A beating, pounding storm
Against my cage

Tricked by night, dark thoughts too
My face is lined, no longer young
My children grown
My hair now gray
Skin loss taunt

Nothing left; I think back
To empty compliments
That I didn't believe
His eyes always pierced
Always to read
He said beautiful
Lies, I can see

I am done, take me please
Return me to love
Sait my desires, needs
Letters unsent, his desperate need
Words, fired, lies, unseen

Chilling night; please hold close
Ignore my words, just take me please
Tree limbs fall, the wind a fiend
Ache in my groin, lust and need
Not a specator's need, strong vanilla air

Hear the noise, hidden by walls
Doors slamming closed
Keep me from the rain, the wet
Falling a skies and tearing trees
God's quick Hand

Another candle, lighter red and long
I don't want this smell, oily slick
Snap, snap, click, click
It fires again, flares in black
But the fire is large, bright in quick
Everything burns; everything gone
Breathing fire, a spectator lost
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Your heart is corrupt
It's been beaten
Black and blue
It's partly your fault
But it's all of my tears

She was the other
A stranger, not family
She approached like a thief
Quiet upstart
A ***** in the night
Begging attention
Promising lust

It was word just on paper
Maybe nothing to her
Lies of the heart
To write what she wrote
To pen what she said...

It breaks my heart
Letters in read

Why did she come
This was not her man
She had had her own
Ignored him for span
Her sick soul
Craven, just sin
Disgusting, sick *****

She won't focus on her man
She came after mine
Broke his spirit, a gift won't shine
She wanted attention
A slutty, ***** *****

If she had spent her time
Where her man's intentions wore
Maybe her life
Not such a bore
Where she could look
If she could see
At my man, no more.
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Feel his heart, a poet's lie
Too close to flame
No words for love
His arms around me
Holding me close
No sleep for me
Too hot, too confined

It's not what I'm used to
Wanting, yes, it's my need
But too close, I'm not to be saved
His gentle snore, breathe on skin
He twitches, a ****** gasp
I ****, scared, asleep he holds
Closer against him, thoughts aflame

I don't deserve him, draw away
Push him over, away
My need alone
Maybe an hour, sleep illusive
He reaches for me

I am his need, he worships my ***
But it's all a lie, slight physical need
His eyes closed, burns my spirit
He knows me so well,
He hasn't the right
My feeling, my sleeve
My stories, my own

How can he reach for me?
Want to hold me so close?
He shrugs my anger, blunts my danger
He says he knows, impossible lies
By he reaches, always reaches

I'm not special, no diamond's shine
Beautiful, stunning and perfect
He says, he doesn't know
I see my soul, in a reflective
Sad, tearful poem
Men and their lies
Lustful lies
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
It's cold here,
Dark, broken space
I need to be
I always wanted to be

Fear, and excitement
Drains my veins
But I have the chance
To warm myself
Heal my broken heart
Not just a band aid on my soul
A brand new start, to shine

But it's so cold
A bleak, desolate land
Where even fires
Burn cold, twisting without light
And fear always preying on the edges

I should take the chance
Take the hand that heals
Place trust where there was none before
Bring light, blending souls
Is it a shining thing?
Something brighter than before?
Or will I sabotage it and fail?

I don't know the future
Cold, dry water caressing my flesh
The skeleton's hard hand
It's scary, frigid bone deep fear
I'll be crushed again

Then there is the sail
A blooming flower's desperate cry
Do I deserve this apart of hope
A possible chase,
only to find myself seconded once more?
The ship none but washed ashore?
Deserted in the cold?

Greys and shining white
Do I reach for the light?
Allow darkness to fall from my soul
Scour it clear, replace old with new
Find my self, a freedom bold
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
So much of my life is my own fault
I want this, I need that, I, I, I
Rustified, circular logic
so alone, its unfair
deserving no one

He came, brought me to him, took me to him
showed me a bright, thoundering light
I could only, desperately
shy away, turn my eyes
look alway, flinch
at his gentlist touch
turn his words
to lies

This fit my reality, fit my truth
I had to mold him to a pattern
break him, to prove my worth
laugh at his quiet peace
interrupt his turn

intruduce him to my bleak world, pain
misery, sharp, thorned radiators
blame him for my pain
cut him, a razor's
sharpest tongue
my brittle,
poor, dry

He is so free, my resentment boils
shouldering responsibility
a firey, solid life
to which, my forfiet
is complete, sold
my pennance

slavery is my only worth, my only lot, its a woman's place
the strings are cables, heavy chains, locking bolts
keeping me safe, its my only precedent
I won't let him, can't trust him
cut me loose, weigh me down
with responsibilities
I have done enough

freedom is not my sorry life, flashing
resentment controls my choice, burns
broken will, regrets, hate, so
I am will, refusal to change
it is all I know

I will cherish and keep it close
for better, for bitter worth
for worse, in wilting sick
and health, such a vow
my marriage shift lost
promises broken
he didn't lie
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
I didn't mean to
Didn't want to do this
I just wanted to know
Maybe I can't stop

Do you know what it's like?
To play second fiddle
To another
But not first for love
The one of your life
They keep saying
There will be another

Another, when it took
All my life
Just to find the one?
How can that be?
Buggered imagination

I found her pictures
Found her darkest desires
What she asked for
Begging on her knees
Sexually, not me
Beautiful dark long haired
******* herself for my man

Everything I'm not
Things she wants
Sensually, aggressive
***** little *****
Destroyed all my dreams

Look at her pictures
Venerable, shy; all a lie
She cries about cages
Freedoms, chains and sins
But she wouldn't do for hers
What she would do for mine
I just don't know, want to die

I curse her name
Her face, burns
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Who would shrug off being alone
Like rain
Is that the difference between
Having a father and not?
Or just being able to ignore it?
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
She is me, my mind is myself, a passion unto flame
there is no separation, no glorious difference
between shake and stem, emotion and logic
I have the fire of my soul, and it burns
everyone it touches

The twin of my self, my reflection of soul
watches from that small, cold place,
locked away in my mind; she cries
not screams of rage, but pity
she knows my enslavement
emotionally wounded
perpetually lost

Niether really knows the other; I don't know myself
Rage floods my veins, my mind quickens to hurt
words pour forth before I can stop them
filthy, terrible things that amaze me
If I know it hurts, I say it

He stands there too calm, he takes my bits of wraith
Pauses before speaking; I know my tongue cuts deep
he takes a breathe, speaks again, so calm
this only make my anger worse, fuels it
how can he be so terribly heartless?
how can he not see my pain?

The knife goes in again, sarcasm punches through; I have him
his exterior is shaken; he pauses again: close, so close
He patronizes me; trying to be soothing. I know his lies
I claim torture, cruelity, and punishment on his part
he is, after all enslaving, binding me
punishing all women everywhere; I give him argument,
my spittle; he uses logic, reason

I hate him; his words expose my hyprocracy, a reflective self can see
He turns what I say to nothing, insulting me: fuleing anger
he turns what I say I am against who I know I am
Pointing out my actions as childish,a betrayal
only makes me more angry

I know he loved me, but only now
one last letter, never sent
I found today; I think he
planned this, cruelty
the last word
his last, only
in death

Years have past, I remember this place
in my head, in a memory, in the past
where I was, if I had only known
If I might not have been
If I could have done

Questions drive me to write again, revistit, open unhealed wounds
Years and years, years and years, an almost enlightenment for me
So much time has passed, faded, bleached; I've changed so much
my bitter, tireless resentment, festoned, anchored reality
for making him leave, I created this world for myself
but in one small letter, he made me remember
how much I loved him; he loved me
simply because

He made me remember, how much he cared, loved, cherished & hurt
and let me see all our fights in new, shiney, bright light
by letting me remember something he would never do
let me make choices that would hurt me later
I was too selfish, too much pride

That letter he sent, I found far too, too late
reminded me of pride, our first, sweet night
how I wanted and he denied, he kissed, he waited
for just and only for me, he made me wait
and now he waits again, etheral
You never know the time you have; you never know yourself, except in retrospect. I can only pray others don't let themselves waste themselves for pride.
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Sweet summer's sun
I don't see your light
I only see November
Sleet, snow, and ice
I pick and I scramble
Shovel this snow
Such a great weight

Another women has come
Brought by the waste
Disrupting this family
Tratiorous June's fate
Can't trust a word, too late

The weatherman's forecast
Warm sunny skies, no clouds
No Melissa, no Jennifer, no Kate
Your pictures a warning
An empty sky, so fake
Bitter and cold, broken my home
Children cry, yelling to sleep

I wondered for why
June just didn't try
Too many strange voices
Around, telling her why
Never to stay, June, only to go

Blanket this field
***** and white
**** all the flowers
Cold burn the life
Butterflies, they cry
Birds cannot fly
Deep drowning white

But somehow I knew
Instinct runs true
Words mean nothing
The sky is not blue
Hypocrital too
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
What would I like?
Rage, encompasses me like a drug
Entering the vein, keeping me askew
Such a question, how dare he even ask
If I wanted it, I would have gotten it myself

I have no need for him
The object of my distain
Need not apply, do not pass go
Do not collect, will not
He will not trap me
with glass jewels
or painted rocks

The way is clear, ill will
twisted desires
They say a poet
wears her heart
on her sleeve
But is immune
To others minds

I will show this silly fool
the error of his way
Not even a glance
Nor blink
his way

Look at him, so pathetic; his way
always trying, he thinks he can save
Its me, not him, who has to save
Not his job, he doesn't know
I bait him, cut his dreams
He is a nothing, ant
lost his chance

But oiled his might
a boiled snack
Maybe on the side
Such a wasted little man
I eat him up,
Spit out
his remians

Such a bitter taste
So long ago
I learned
The waste
when it was a meal
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
You drew away from me
By pencil, ink, and quill
Always in silence,
Repeating the same words
And stories at will

Your life grew mundane
Boring, silent and unfulfilled
Here by morning, gone quickly still
Withdrawn and alone,
You reached for the stars
Craving excitement, friends
Anyone, a voice, a chill

We fought, many and will
You reached for others
Suitors, they will
Droned me out
Too loud, they ****

Is it no reason, your mother so shrill
I asked you for reason
I reach for you still
You cannot find effort
All those, say nigh
I sought reconciliation
My chances were nil

Too many voices
For me just one
Your lies and your cries
Now I know better
Now I know why

Three years of my questions
I pleaded and cried
My heart is so broken
Why? All this time?
You blamed me for this
Trashed me for why
Respect not given

I should have seen why
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
I am guilty with lust, it consumes me, draws me and burns my *****
The want is a need that shames my mind, defience to what is pure
this base desire, this physical necessity, I hate that I need it
but succumb to its embrace as he lies next to me, deep in slumber
drifting alone, all too comfortable to be disturbed

My mind plays out fantasies, wrapping myself around him
I know he would even covet my embrace, snuggle close to me
My arms would wrap around him, my legs entwine his
pressing against him, sneak my hand along him, stroke
crafty fingers' speak my fire
tease his dreams to mirror my need

My body yearns, my ache is real, my lips are soft, my need drips
I can feel myself, the warmth of my lion's mouth,
its hunger, its desire to lunge, to grab deep, to ******
to feel his body next to mine, the heat of his desire
to ride, not timid, defient against him
that driving, penetrated, disgusting
urge just to ****

I have my needs, he even encourages, pleads
even complains, he knows my heart
Cannnot, I say, cannot and no
I cannot succumb this is too primative
Too much just flesh, too much

A pleasure that must be denied, not for me to savor
my animal must be leashed, controlled
I will lay here next to him, so close and far
My broken lusting heart, denied once more
It is his fault; men to blame
They punish us all
He sleeps through my pain
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Kindness is strength
Not a weakness
Nothing to exploit
I, elemental, fickle, devine

Make with mine
You'll be pressed
To find sanctuary
No peace, confined

Drive you mad
My hands deep in your chest
Fingers dig, pressure
Claw and rip

Tear out your heart
Eat it and dine
Strangle you
With your veins

Bleed you
Drink, delish
Leave you
Empty and dry

Flay off your skin
Maybe wear it for a time
Scalp your head
A torch in your mind

Slowly I'll play
Covered in blood
Oh, it's not mine
Helpless, he's mine

Carve up your toes
Cut fingers and sack
Feed you your *****
Burn out your eyes

Better you be
Should you stray
I'll be there waiting
Smiling, out back
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
I hate you all
So full of confidence
With all made for lust
Cheaters, cursed hearts
Nothing to you matters

You made like this
Proved my worth
My mind, my ***
Made me a *****
Revenge, a cheat
Crushed my love
Worthless, bayed

I can never trust
Never fair
I see your clumsy groping hands
Not just here, but everywhere
Women, never safe, guarded, scared

I take my pleasure
With your grounded bones
My knife in your back
My claws in your guts
Blood on my fangs
I **** from your life
Drain you whole

You are not worth my time
Not worth my heels
You destroyed my ability to love
Untrustful and bitter
Jaded, sour, and *****

I hate you all
Blame you; die
I'll **** you slow
**** your minds
Bind you in leather
Beat you with b' wire
Slaves, you all, to lust

I might have been
I could have done
I cannot trust
I'll have revenge
I'll bleed you dry
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
You are in your box
tucked away in thought
a present to be opened
from someone who
I don't want to know me

You didn't write, you didn't call
I have no envelope, no letter
nothing to savor your touch
I look around this home
where you drifted around
I made you ethereal
I made you fake

You never lied, never lost
where you tried so hard
did you plan for this?
you wanted to trust
I only hiss and bite

Afloat, bouncing along
protected by the bottle
corked, dry, and safe
pulled this way
and that

You kept me safe
but I broke the jar
I broke the glass
Free now
but without a laugh
I can't see land
I can't have hope

scoop me up
take me back
ignore my rage
my words of hate
I'm so scared
fear and lost

I mocked you
Gave you shame
I didn't deserve you
Taught you love
And took it
your ink
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Its a company that I keep, my last remaining friend
face to face, with his memory in hand
gripped tightly, he sought to teach
but I only buckled, leaving him
arguing torment, my efforts

I curse his name, burn his letters
all traces gone, nothing to cede
to my mind I made him evil
wrong and a devil's pawn
his lessons, underhanded
a fraud, give lies to love
but only mine

I crush his hands, so proud of what they can do
Incinerate his heart, pluck out his loving eyes
strip the skin from his horrid bones,
his tattoos, framed, on the wall
a triumph of my will

I see my self now, the reflections of my soul
the personalities I learned to control
my emblazoned, passions, not less
cooled, but not, never out, I see
only now what he offered
not what I wanted
but what I needed

Wasted love, wasted life, wasted dreams
a poor, pathetic wrench, bitter is all
at myself and the world
just another reason
to hate the man

of whom I loved once,
with all my heart
my burning self
personal hell, made
from my own cunning
and what I needed to tell myself
so that I could finally be unchained
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
It's been so long
Since I could connect
A beautiful symphony
Of bodies, blending and one

His breath, so hard
Heartbeats together
Wanting and needing
Twisting and teasing
Legs entwined
A wonderful dance
Of lips and tongues

I missed his caress
His desperate ***
That feeling of rightness
In me, thirsting drink
Such grinding warmth

Bodies like caramel
In candles light
Soft, pounding music
Vanilla scents delight
Overwhelming fires
All senses enrapture
Sensual, hungry, deeds

All questions ignored
Murmured voices cry out
Asking and plead
More, for me
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
A romantic life is too much to ask
the princess becomes the queen
The tedious gruel of thee day to day
A fairy tale's lost
another childhood dream
Broken by expectations
Worn thin by morning

I often said he didn't know love
My precious prince
who saved my life
But he learned
and weathered

From before dawn
to after sweet dusk
He went to war
And I fell to my ways
He came home to my mess
I abandoned his love
But he had learned

He took my fire
as lover's might do
kept me safe
maybe too much
I fought, kicked
Screamed, to no avail
I wanted out

The slavery of the day to day
Even if he slaved for me
A princess shouldn't
be bored with life
Be slaved to home

Always angry
always fear
I could not trust
How can you
All alone?

I couldn't love
Mine, was not true
But he came home
Day in and day out
Love yous everyday
All meaning lost
except to him

My rock of a prince
But he was not fated for me
He was too slow
He gave too much
I broke his rock
His love to sand
Water comes and gone

He taught me
far too slow
That my love was false
His love was true
His was I to know?

I was raised in pain
Broken dreams
Waiting princes
And tales of undying love
Why was it mine that wails?
mine, to find not enough?
The Unbeliever Sep 2014
The day is mine, ours
Futures will become today
Such is my life, ours
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
So long I travel
Stumbling along
Broken knees
Twisted ankles
wants and needs

Worn through
My shoes are worn
A testament to wear
No longer protecting
Just to hide my toes
On and on I go
Hiding me

My baggage is great
Its weight, cumbersome
Hairy, ugly and mine
My children, they cry
My men, they leave
Driven before me
I seek, they die

Fate for my pains
My mother, she binds
Taking me closer
Tying me to her lies
Shackled, dependent

Stolen dreams, for her
Artists' dreams gone bye
Peace in the memories
Her beatings, won't die
Her guilt made mine
A pawn til she dies
Slaved, ***** my mind

Years ago
I spoke my mind
I took her power
Crushed her spine
Stood, myself

Freedom was hard, broken fine
But glass became diamonds
And to heal, so hard
Her whips are lost
Her leash now gone
I got my freedom
My chance to cry

I wear these boots
Because of the ride
To walk on my own
Such a journey's home
Walking on broken glass
The Unbeliever Sep 2014
With a touch, he makes me erupt
Bound, by hand to foot
I am pleasured, first by tease
The smallest nibble
The smallest lick

Arching, straining bonds
Reaching for more,
Muscles contract, relax
And seek to break once more
I am forced to concentrate

Fists pull at my bindings
Over I twist, around I bend
Ankles to thighs, opened wide
Toys seek, penetrating,
My mouth, tongue to glass

Dripping, my want plays need
Throbbing, my button's desire
Far out stretched, wrists above
Tension increases the need
I am his, the ultimate in trust

He says to lick, my mouth invites
Guiding me, gentle to his ******
Knowing, he knows my want,
All my fears, delayed
My face cradled in his strength

I take, opening deep, but he won't gift
Just a tease, gets my breath hot
And I'm over again, wide and spread
I feel my lips open, blindfolded fun
His tip, it must be a sin

Vibrations wrench sweetness from me
His staff slides as his hands grip
Up and back, never in
Quivering thighs make me buck
I am denied, I am fulfilled

And I am on my knees
Arched high, opened wide
For hours he has teased
Will this be my moment
My teeth still my quaking lip

His hand again, I coat
Dripping down my insides
And he presses fingers to my lips
I drink, greedy, my taste
Not for me, but for him

A pleasured mess, I ****
Creating, overwhelming his own need
He takes it from me,
Pulling my cheeks wider
The tip, the tip, the tip!

I feel it grow, stretching me
Then the shaft, a hardness
Squeezing, throbbing my own need
I fight it back, to take more
Bound, his lust, gives more

Not a little but full ******
Split, I convulse
Against bind
In his hands, hard
My body gives

Lost, I am clay
Around him
I am molded
In fire, I am

I feel the urgency in thrusts
I feel his depth and ask for depth
His test takes me harder
And for more I ask
I give him myself

And I feel fingers press
Enter places, commanding more
Drawing more from me
Bringing me strange places
And I devour them all

Knees down and deep
Butting the pillow,
I am brought
Beyond flesh
To the place of my soul

And I am satisfied
Feeling his need
He pulls, plunges deep
Just above, my dripping wet
Giving me just the tip

I feel him swell
His knuckles play a song
Against my firm cheeks he plays
I squeeze and shutter
******* at his delights

I hold him tight
Letting him finish his cream
I feel it drip, both now
Down wet cheeks, inner thigh
Feral grin, this just begins
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
I want to let it all out
Someone hold me
Wipe my tears
Bring sweet solace
It's wasn't me!

Hold myself above
Look to those above
Angels weep
Rally against my fear
Protect me, safe

It'll be ok,
Words they all say
I can't get through this
The years just weigh
Breaking me slowly

I think all about
Betrayal and trust
How it undermined myself
Sense of worth,
How I have to see myself

In the shower I cry
Maybe tears can help
But it'd be nothing
Salty water mixing away
It wouldn't make me clean

I wish for love
Not just ache
Bring me home
So long ago
Make me whole
The Unbeliever Oct 2014
Only a taste
That's all I get
Fleeting moments
Happy thoughts, a tease
I'll get just that

But they're longer and longer
Between there and now
The day's roll by
Where happiness is constant
Rather than elusive

Feelings of guilt
For those that don't have it
But then I'm appreciative
Because for the longest
I wasn't
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
My pride is all I have
its my blanket
its all I have left
as it is

I have laid my soul
to sleep, gently
behind bars, far
and protected

My truest being has been torn
The flower of my love
wilted, in the night
his heart unknown
words, just words

He would tell me so often, three words
it became common place, I know
every morning, drifting, warm
barely awake, but I knew
it couldn't be, couldn't
nothing is true
men lie

He'd speak to me of beauty, mine, I don't understand
the lie was in his voice, I told him, not his eyes
at first he would protest, he believed
then he would say nothing, his eyes
didn't let me see the hurt

I could never read him right
I could never trust him
I fall back on what
I fall back on me
I am right
I know
I am

How could he be true, real?
He tells me everything
He knows I don't
Listen anymore
Don't believe

I yearn for freedom
Earned my due
paid my prices
gaping holes,
and scars...
and tears;
I cry

I have my pride, I have my soul
its protected from the world
its protected from him
He cannot be truth
So different

I drove him off, twist his words
because I know I'm right
I know what all men
wants, needs, lusts
not me, not mine
I ignored all the

But what if he was true
what if what he gave
so much, away
but he kept
saying it

I reply with what he hates, twisting
he knows I am lost, his eyes
ridicule his words, his soul
push him, driving him
He'll stop, he'll leave
He stops; leaves
I am pride
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
across the gasp
open wide, taste
******* lushiously
open me, take me

lose myself, forget
just a moment, quicken, last
I want it, stretch it, me
pin me, twist me, hold me
I want you, I hate you
need, lust, desire
fire, want, heal

from behind, such a gift
strong, strong hands
grasp, grip, take
hold you deep
power, depth

again and again, again, again
spill, wet, and taste again
me on top, then you again
desperate for love
I love your ****
just for a time
I'll never ask

then its off and away
back to running from
never to, never, no
back in your box
I hate me; man
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Sleep in its joyous embrace
drifting and warmed by the fire of the dreams
a treasured commodity
worth more than gold
its a happiness that is only broken
by the wasted day approaching
the first thought to break its hold
warmth of the lover's arms
dragging and lost
weighted against my soul
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
It is a rule
For a cheating heart
If you do it once
You will again
Time will prove

How ever you justify
How ever you cry
Cheating is hard
It makes secrets
And lies
Hidden accounts
Words have power

Choices always tower
Tell yourself it's nothing
Emotionless ties
But it's the lies to yourself
Undermine your pride

The rules are simple
To one you are tied
Forever is forever
Love does not die
Your cheating heart
Deny, deny
Only to yourself

Always you lie
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
I am forever marked
My body has the scars
Of a thousand wounds
But there is one
That stands alone

A permanent friend
Arrived from a cheated trust
A gift that keeps on giving
A reminder forever
Assigned inside

Scorn from my mother
Oh she made me cry
Cried and cried some more
Her looks of shame
I was her badge
Her blame
But not for me

It's my shame, my pain
It burns as much as the gift
Wrapped in my package
Not plain, wonderfully curved
Brilliantly long, exceptional and dark

I told a man once
He was so kind
It warmed my heart
He saw past
Although nothing there
I doubt he remembers
He loved me past that

But when it came to choices, plan
I made mine without him
My mother always said
I have up too easily
Quit, without effort

My mother, jealousy enraged
Stubby fingers deep in my life
Her victim's mind
She wanted me, her slave
When he stole my heart
She plots and plans
Stolen away

I cannot go back to him
Not again, that one good man
Embarrassed like before
But now, for pride
I stare at the phone
Willing it to ring
Crying some more

I will not call
I cannot talk
I hear that song
It breaks my heart
My tear never dry

He would take me close
Hold me too long
Have my precious love
He would say, see?
I love you more
His words mean nothing
She drove me, I'm alone

Everyday I wonder
I miss his kiss
Every morning
His arms around me
All night, he loved me more
I could never tell him
I could do nothing more
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
When you have a secret
A big one, not that your favorite color isn't blue
But one that eats, one thats hungry
Thats the kind I'm talking about
Secret with a captial S

It seems so big, that no matter how you keep it in
It will come out; but not the way you like
It'll come in snappy remarks, irritation and strife
It will work its way in, and put things through a blender
It'll slice up everything good in your life
It will stay hidden, and show everywhere
It'll be deep, deep inside
It will be everywhere

Secrets are important
Because they mean something to stay hidden
You want to tell them all, let them out
See if you are forgiven
but you want to spare feelings

Its right beneath the skin sometime
Its that second where they ask if you're mad
Its an anger that you don't know why
Its that evisceration of your soul
Its something that will never heal
Its everything you want to let go
Its everything you want to hide

Sometimes its a shame, sins against God
But is it God that will not forgive, or
That beautiful soul you are trying to love
That one you don't want to hurt
Because, like you, they've been hurt enough

So you find your courage, when you've had enough
When you are desperate to try, to put all your pain to ground
Gather your brave, bandage your wounds
Take your pride in hand, and stare fear in the eyes
You'll be better after, forgiven in stride,
Or you will know for sure, that effort's
Another lie

But be truthful to yourself,
The worst lie is yours
Make honesty a choice
And give secrets
the door
The Unbeliever Jul 2014
Pain will start to subside
Then grow again
With memories
Like opening a book
And explode anew

Pain begins, grows
never finishing, never lessening
Time has brought me far from childhood scars
I remember each slight, each twist
My mother's strikes, my father's lost
He got away, left me
To her

There were rapes, colored, scribbled
Across my childhood stories
Punishments, my only loving embrace
It was never me, aways" YOU!"
I lay here again, memories aboil
Fear and distrust, all I knew
Again I feel this, abandonment, distrust

I see my present, with her words in my ears
Burning advice, to make me
little and her
My father, so long
How do I judge other men?
So many years of lost
The true, made false
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Does it make a difference?
If a heart beats, confused for another
The physical need denied
Or if the emotional indulged?
Can you simply be, without meaning

Sending letters back and forth
Electronic symphonies of pleasure
Asking of me the things I would never admit

My imagination flies, tie me, take me, take me
It's all just a dream, lucid, guilty pleasures
I know it's not love, a distraction, attention
I'm so alone, why can't I speak?
Reaching out to strangers, rocking hips to their pretty words

Forgive me, this is not me
Slutting me for the perverse
But, deep inside, I want
Turning me from true
Giving lie to all I've worked for

I want this, attention long denied
That I could never admit to face
It was nothing, I tell myself
Just words to a penpal, ******
But less than mine
To this, I think maybe, please
Let it have meant less to me

I showed myself, lithe, smiling, fine
Gave pictures of family, home, life
Did it still mean nothing
Opening the person, me, mine
I didn't stray, it was innocent!

But more personal than I want to admit
Reading back, looking through saves
How did this happen, I am not this person
What do I find? New truths? An inside denied?
Sifting, I realize that they were saved
The pictures made me his *****
But I saved them all, to read again

I had wanted this, confused at the time
I shred the letters, burn the ink
I want no trace, not who I am
Not what I want to be
Romantic, timeless love

This is what I need to be
So I close the book
Prepare to spill
Clean my quill
Forgive me, my love
How could you, I cry
I am *****, unclean

I want to tell him
Pour it all out
Tears and truths
Blending and clean
My tortured soul

It eats at me
Not to say
I want truth
Trust, something pure
But to say, just might
Ruin, prove my shame
To myself

True love wouldn't understand
It couldn't, I say
Nothing's unconditional
I am the unclean
Tainted, wasted, mean

How could he see me again?
Could I really tell him it all?
Would he look me in the eye?
He has said before, this maybe test
He would love me forever
Hold me safe, keep me clean
Can I trust, is that my real need?

My tendency to secret
A mother's gift to me
Manipulate and destroy
Drive men all away
I never wanted this

I wanted to be different
Loving, beautiful and safe
Not lies, deep inside
Worse, he might never know
It would make me slowly die
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
They exist in our minds
A scourge behind the face of man
Hold us in cages of our own making
Torture us with anxieties and lies
Warping us to thing
We don't want to be

How much better would it be
To see the world without their eyes
Live without the walls
Or at least, not be alone
To have just one
And to set the example
For others to be

Let the demons out
Maybe love
Will slow them down
In the deepest hole
Filled with more
Buried deep

Set me free
Let it go
Be filled with
And to finally
Give it back
The Unbeliever Aug 2014
Today's new day
A bit less blood
Maybe my tongue
Doesn't papercut
Inside my mouth

Maybe my fists won't clench
That man won't undress me with his eyes
Make me unspecial, a *****

Today it's love
Everywhere, here
Seems to be, hope for me
The men are learning
Haven been broken
Taken to lengths unknown
Maybe one for me

Look at me
Unreadable, adorable
Beautiful, deep eyes

Let flowers sprout
Beneath my feet
Cool, rain wash
Away my sins
Forgive me, Father,
I might love again
Maybe, maybe

There is one
But not mine
A fantastic love
Broken, resilient
Vowed to try

I am jealous
Joy, though for a kindred soul
So lucky, what did she do?
Blessings from heaven
God's Gift to her

Will it prove true?
Or another lie?

I want it so badly
Unselfish for her
Because if there is one
There is two
I want to nurture
Guide and help

But to be anything more
Than an observer, spectator
Clapping hands, the audience alive
Will distract the stage, show
Maybe make a player, lover
Miss a step, trip out of step
Distractions, a bump

She's a beauty to behold
Him, in love, almost
It seems, a worship
Worthy goddess
Worthy love
For the men that make me think they might not be all the same, and will love her on her own terms...
For all the women, true to themselves, we must help them be the men we need them to be. Do something to show them they're on the right path.
So much love today! It's overwhelming!
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