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Aug 2014
Mother dearest, you taught me
See the future, and believe I can't
Know all too much and crush it out
All the little things I wanted; dreams
Deny my happiness and drive it out

If it's beautifully special
I'll find one thing
Break that moment
**** the well
Force it down

Lash out at others
Any independent hope
Find it's problems
Make them mountains
A journey too dangerous to take

My mind races, a broken thing
I just want happiness
And then to put it out
My lovers scattered
To the wind

I can't deal with change
Chances, forlorn now
I can see them here
But cannot take that step
Lovers arms made a cage
Prisons, impenetrable
Bars too thick to break

Mother you broke me
Made me slaved
Never to be released
Never unchained
Soiled, wasted and unclean

No one should want me
Not this broken shell
Who sees the future I want so well
I'll take the chance bury it deep
Defeat my hopes now
Your perfect daughter
Now without your help

I'm stubborn and deep
Wounded in sleep
Put down bleeding
Cuts inside all seeping out
I bleed from ears, eyes and mouth

I knew he wanted me
Loved me so well
Somehow I turned that
Warped it, created a hell
You took warm arms
The safest place
And slapped my face

It's so terrible
To see a path
Happiness ahead
At long last

But then I'm programmed
My attention can't last
I see myself falling, unwanted
Death, destruction and forgotten

He loved me so
With long glances
Looking to my eyes
Seeing past defenses
It was too much
Scary and defiled
To realize it was special

To be laid open
Made me feel gutted like a fish
To feel so loved, like the one
I took it apart
Broken puzzle parts

Twisted his love
Found hate in parts
Blew it up and made
Cracks, created earthquakes
Lightning, fires and strife
It was all defied, his love
I would not permit

It smashed my reality
Saw myself unfit
My walls were invisible
Defenses cast aside
His glance saw through

Opened me inside
I resented this intrusion
This building down
Who was he?
To see nothing invisible

Now I look back
See mother's hard hand
Manipulation's a tool
Taught to survive
For a child that cries
To always come home
To mothers vile and high

I can't see the future
My relationships fall
To myself, I'm broken
All resentment, emotional
Anxiety, puking lies

I know, see the future just clear
That's why my choices
All bring chains and tears
I just can't admit
Allow happiness to seed
Life watered and well

I break everything so well
Sabotaged so my loneliness
Is true; only pain, I know
My mother is far, live but unheard
Out of my life, her destructiveness gone
It's all remnants of living
Programmed below
Her voice is still there
Shrill, controlling, gripping
Teaching me all I needed so well
Now alone, I'm leashed
Her choices my own

I'll make them without thinking
Forgetting what I have known
It's sabotaging relationships
Building upon lies
Those to myself,
I needed to survive
Breaking promises of hope

I'll come complete
Force my infections on love
It's a test, lesson for all
A flame of my hell
To put lovers through
And to force friends away

I'll foster the evil, become someone else
I can feel it seeping, building cracks
Breaking promises to myself
Of what not to become
Lashing out at others
Letting them take blame
My responsibilities to them
Only allowing them my shame

I'll give them the pieces
Only what they deserve
If they asked for my pain
Let them preserve
But when I see them look
Staring at me, all love in their eyes
I've been taught to hate it
It's beauty I don't deserve

It's patterns in my life
Things I thought secret
Hidden reserved
True love opens all that
Makes them unreadable
Hurting their perfect reserve
Isolating me, forcing retreat
I just want to hide, run, find peace

It's the demons she gave me
They can't stand the sight
When love looks at me
They cower and fight
Why can't this be easy
Too many years in the making
I feel so betrayed
My mother's hands made me

He looks at me so easily
Sometimes I make him betray me
Force his word against him
Even his I love you
Now brings apathy
I confuse his love with hatred
My mirror, she sees me
Please don't be me

Heed me, sweet souls
Ignore instinct, find peace with your past
There is no worse pain than knowing
Seeing defenses laid bare
The pain and the suffering
He knows he can repair
But being forced to a distance
Because of mother's past glare

Go to him, take the chance
Show me it's true
My advice I can take
Love is more powerful
Than the demons embrace
For a new friend, who might be my sister, tortured in the cell next to mine; please don't be me.
The Unbeliever
Written by
The Unbeliever  Limbo
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