My glass is half-full but I know where I'm coming from
how does time fly - it seems to when you're having fun
it's a game of two halves and I'm good in the second
I could have done better but still won I reckoned

I tried to second-guess but didn't come off best
you wish, in your dreams and all the rest
I've tried so hard but not in my back yard
how do I look - not too good in the leotard

I'm watching Peter Kay - what does that guy say?
by the time he get's to The Phoenix - they'll be closed, hey!
what you need is a make-over - so I had one
I looked like botoxed ******* when it was done

I've been compromised, unrecognized and my jewels
are oversized - I didn't ask to be circumsised

You came from The Cape of Good Hope
the land of proteas, frangipani and antelope
I was there but not in the seventeenth century
rather, I waited for you to arrive from history

Your dark violet blue flowers looked my way
as though they had something special to say
they said that you will deny me three times
whe you arrive in these wonderful climes

But there I was amongst beautiful flowers
amazing in the place where Shaw said:
that, 'They have no scent and the birds have
no song,' even great men err - he was wrong

I t was a time of transition, bright light
not only dark magical blooms but pure white

You have a wife and four daughters
and a colleague amongst your supporters
mindset engineered: you answer a question
with a question and indulge in light sensationalism

My wife befriends many people - a natural star
suddenly they're saying the same things that you are
ideas are pinched, put to use, there's no excuse
for queering my pitch - you stupid *****

No offence meant: I hold myself to account
who am I to hold court, judgemental nonsense
don't say anything, go sit yourself on the fence
come back to me when you have pounds, shillings and pence

Some commontators seem less than cool
it's doubtful if they could explain the offside rule

Now you're ready to go and knock 'em dead
ever since you read 'War and Peace'
you ran up a hill shooting wild geese
depression lifted - such a happy release

You sat bolt upright in the middle of the night
couldn't wait to get out there, that's alright
do what you want to do, nothing held back
I've given you purpose - now you'll have the knack

of sussing things out, see what life's about
from now on you will have no more doubt
I see you jumped on a horse - ruffled
someone's hair as a matter of course you did, you beaut

I'm watching to see how you'll get on
the golden dust you leave will be long gone

Someone may look like me but that's
as far as it goes: no further, no less
my own DNA, biometric reading, oh! yes
A genetic fingerprint all of my own

My characteristics definitely home - grown
I wish I had thicker eyebrows, more
muscular body, more intelligence and
behave less oddly, but I think of the

good things and rely on others to tell
me what they are - not too many, I don't
really want to be a star, just me -
sort of reliable, sort of always there

I' m glad I have the time to stand and stare
you may think I'm odd - but there's only one me -
thank God!

From the calm to the rough, the going was tough
you wondered if you were made of the right stuff
there was a foot on the porthole so it stayed
the sea pulsed by, the colour of frothy jade

'Don't you drop ash on the sail,' the captain said
it will shred in the wind and we'll all be dead'
no sooner that we were out, we had returned
extinguished the *** before the sail burned

My world had been fourteen feet, I'm now discrete:
about how bad things can be to everyone I meet
about the images that came before me
my lone battle with the tempestuos sea

It was nothing but to me everything
amazing the peace calm water could bring

How much sport have I missed because of you
why do you wake me up when I want to sleep
you say: 'Come and eat before the food gets cold'
'You don't love me any more,' I've been told

We have to go to the in-laws, the bores
I don't want to go on any more guided tours
you asked me to love you when I was mowing the lawn
all this veggie stuff - I don't like quorn

I was only joking - don't think it's real
why do I have to struggle thro' too big a meal
how do I look - you never look at my face
your clothes are fine - I know nothing about lace

You say: 'I'm doing it wrong - move your weight'
and I  get a real bollocking if I'm too late