She says
She listens
To Patsy Cline
To pass the time
And I wonder
What it is
Now
That you will
Do
To pass time

words
leave me
confused
minute by minute
playback commentary
but i've no listen left

i can't stop listening to this song

i can't stop
well, i'll at least commit to something

everything leaves me restless and yearning

but i thought that the timing was perfect

no less it could have been

but i am grateful

for such a beautiful woman

for such a forgettable sin

has brought us here

i rally my mind in a line to cross stitch time

i shrug my shoulders at the lulls

at the hours that i lost

and silently swallow in

all that you offer

all that you must

come be my crutch
darling
lay me down
or lie beneath
and sleep
swimming
in anger's defeat
while we
drown
in a soulless song
knowing this is
what it feels
like to
grieve

parallels and cycles
i am your cycle
soft motion of the tongue
then; gone
and you hear me
an afternoon where you own me
i took your collarbone
and swallowed your chest
hid beneath my teeth
kissing years on each eyelid
the entire time
saying;
farewell. i mean it
now.

It was 4:30 when I got the call.

I knew immediately.

Father,
were you finally at peace?
Last night when you fell asleep, did you know what you'd do in the morning?

The darkest parts of you make up the whole of me.
I've known this my entire life.
I will sleep inside this grief and mourn you everyday.
You and I were more alike.

2 hours later and this does not feel real.
The space between us exists as it ever has.
And I just hope you know how truly loved you were.

one afternoon
in Dallas
i found wet concrete
or rather
it found me
i eased my hands
into it
and spread every word
evenly
a myriad of thoughts
of you
and loss
reign public
on those downtown sidewalks
today

you
always
were in front of me
but now
i'm finally seeing
you
my
darling

darling
you are no longer
my darling
because you've a head full of other
darlings
yet, you still won't admit it
you'd rather lie next to my side
and sleep in lies
but why don't you lay next your truths
instead?

Dear Universe,

Jeopardy always reminds me of my grandmother
-my father's mother.
Her living room, with the red **** carpet and pink curtains.
Or were they salmon?
They probably were.
I don't remember.
I was 9.
I was not ready to be concerned about those kind of details.
I was not ready for a lot of things.

Dear Universe,

I know that I **** up a lot when it comes to writing back
but I am working on getting better.
I'm actually working on getting better at a lot of things.
When I get home, I plan on gathering some recipes, running on the treadmill, buying stamps, paying those parking tickets.
In fact, I have a long list of to-do's in my head.
You'd laugh if you could see the race my mind plays (or maybe you can)?
It's exhausting.

You know, I wanna love without fear. I want to be confident in my emotional investments. I want to hold her and not wonder where it is her mind wanders. I want to be the best non-girlfriend girlfriend a girl like her could have.

I also want an even tan.

feeling so small
walking the streets
of an old town
of old defeats

i was the greatest failure
i am my greatest gift

plaques of history
envelope before me
i want to know all the facts
i want to know all your sins

you are the greatest interest

these small things
i know their worth
i know that i will forever remember them

so i keep walking
i keep my eyes wide and bereft

i am my greatest potential
i am

if i am more than god
you are the title i worship
see, i never learned faith through desertion
but i learned to love a woman
who lives like the ocean
swiftly
gently
my body breaks into and over
what waves you create
what love you let under
i drown in the thought of you
enough is never enough
when it comes to learning
you
you
you
speak through me
in many tongues
i want to lap my mouth around the center
of what it is that could make us better
and swallow it whole
leaving the stem
as minor evidence
of how
i fell
in love
with a deity of a woman

tonight i miss
my woman
who's not mine
will never be mine
yet she chooses
to spend the most time
with simple me
an odd thought
to be so in love
with someone you may not have known
had we not ****** up
this mistake
swallows me
often
i grapple at the knees
of this denied giant
once more
but i'm tired
so instead, tonight
i fold into the memory of
you
my great love

i am your devoted one
until my memory is gone

in my head
a bride
of devout steel
around my fingers
through them
as if i've no skin
a pale aquamarine or night blue
where i turn to you
and simply say
"forget"

she tells me she wants to go to the beach
on a day where we may each have the time off
i tell her "of course, i'd love to"
when really in my head i want to tell her
"i would take every **** day off just to go anywhere with you".
the beach, DMV, a gravel parking lot, my mother's abandoned apartment, her father's old high school, the desert, a hospital waiting room, her wealthy indecisions.

you pressed your body against me
for a time
and i undeniably became yours

you shattered your mind loving me
it was hard to reach
and still, i was undeniably yours

the efforts we make to stay in love
it will **** us, it will keep us warm
it will end what we knew we were
it will create what it was

loving you is muscle memory
and i want your muscle on me
i want your mouth in between
crossing our teeth
and you won't need to apologize for your future shortcomings
because i already know

i could sink in this daydream
for
ever
but i don't believe in forever much

looking back
i remember the first day
you and i hung out alone together
it was early in the morning
and it was all for you
you, wearing your faded black levi's
along with nervous energy
running through your legs
into mine
i felt it
all the while
your green hoodie containing it all
in
i could hardly believe you were allowing me a shared space
at one time, i thought i was the luckiest girl
you gave me the People magazine that had haunted my entire childhood
good god, what is childhood
but wrecked hopes and defeat?
You captured it all perfectly between your teeth
and the gasp i let out when i opened your gift
but now god, what is now
but frustrations and held in sighs?
When i loved you, i wanted to die
when you loved me, i wanted everything

babygirl
thinks she can
fool
a fool
which is tempting
but i know better
you lost these eyes
a while ago
when you went for another's

your voice
sounds different
that is
after the initial
"hi"
you always greet me with

it is then and only
then
that you were the woman i fell in love with
the only one in this world who knew
our secret
we lived like children then
and worshiped every second

you, huddled in our land of blankets
you, skin that never left mine
life was simpler back then
it was hours
and ours alone

you used to hate to talk on the phone
and i imagine you still do

when i don't know
where to fit
i fold in
it's there i can be or not
any shape
any design
i'll hold onto what i like
and learn to forgive
the colors i don't quite understand.
become my palette
become my welcomed sin
i'll wear it wear
this second layer of skin
i'll show you
in time
that all of this
is worth it

You wanna hold my hand
You wanna break my heart
You wanna share your mind
With no regard

Oh, you're gonna lose me
If you keep this up
I believe in loyalty
But I'm not a fool
At least not yours.

look up
i know it's hard sometimes to
but look at how beautiful you are
how strange and unique
how wonderful your mind works
when you do what it is you do
everything you are working towards
is luminous
and every hard day is a day worth keeping up the fight
i bet your mother is so proud of you
i bet your mother thinks of you before she falls asleep
soon i bet all mothers will praise the person that is you
i'm proud of you
i feel like just by simply knowing you
i have been let in on some gorgeous secret
that i hold in my hands
completely overwhelmed
yet grateful
since the day i met you

i want someone to wake me in the morning
with "good morning" texts
to get creative with it
to get with it
are you with it?
sometimes, i feel it

this morning, i'm in it
the sun is hiding secrets and i'm dancing in my head
in my head,
so many thoughts
sing to me

i want to sing to myself
and mean it
full body
kind of love
full body
worthwhile
full blood
consuming
only me
only me
only

the reality
of nights without you
hits me in the chest
at the most random of times
the sudden thud
of what's to come
blind sides
hides
behind the eyes
of futures unknown
of possibly my future wife
but i don't let my mind go there
anymore
because anymore
sounds more like a chore
and for you
it's all about the leaving.

be gentle
i said
be gentle
as i'm fumbling small gestures of love
in my hands
i'm holding
tiny strands of wanting
fall between my fingers
i want nothing
i want it all
i want to be gentle to myself
when it comes to this

be gentle
be gentle with yourself
for the times i will not

and i promise you
i wish i held grace
but i know none
when it comes to love
darling

gentle
i was not gentle with you
in moments,
i can
and i am
but this place has me wondering at times

i want my thoughts to align
with my actions
and that is something i've been wanting to work on darling
whether or not you continue to stick around

i am feeble
and frantic
and pure
but manic
fleeting
and granite
loyal
but tantric
easily moved
yet stagnant
in this resolve to love
holy
but caustic
loving
yet nothing
chilling
and all consuming
but
pure, pure, pure

I am the scorned
I am your devoted one
until my memory is gone

I am not promising you years, my girl
simply hours, in ours
to have you obsessed with it all
i should keep my mouth shut

silence my faith
i wanted you
all along
i needed you

You are my past, You are my absence
Swimming in anger's defeat
Now can you stop fighting and come over to me
already?

In the throes of a trophy
In the throes of a nobody
While on top of your beautiful body

Nothing so beautiful as nothing at all

g
h
ost

g
o
ne

you are the lingering one
one arm in mine
collapsed lungs

long after you are gone
you are still here

G R I D

mark it up
laugh it off
it's a toss
this game of once overs
i've run over
the scenarios many times
in my mind
long afternoon of hours
daydreaming of you
and how soulless our song together is
it's not that we don't have intent
it's just the combination of two sad lines
don't make one thing right
and i want to be ready for once
to look something in the eye
and believe in it
and you know
with your love
i never could
and you never wanted me to

in my head
a frozen
still
image
of the girl you could have been
and the girl that i actually am
it all lines up
between wounds and gunshots
but i was always the only one left bleeding

*******,
You know how to break a woman
Bend the two halves in the palm of your hand
Just because you can
Tear the chest wide open
And do away with it
And on to the next pretty girl
With half the sense
To jump into bed
To jump into regret
But maybe I'm no better
Because I
I
Am too many things to you

drunk as hell
in my head
i lay
with arms wrapped around you
it is there
you can be
everything
we would like to be
it is there
only

This hell in my head
I can't shake it
This hell in my head
I can't fake it

I think about it all
about what was lost
I think about it all
about what we had

'Cause no one's gonna **** up my way
No one's gonna **** up my way now

If I told you what's on my mind
in the night
would you be careless with it
would you fight

What an odd thought
of what's not, of what's gone
A strong bond
I knew it wasan't the one

This hell in my head
I can't shake it
This hell in my head
I can't fake it

i wonder
i wonder if she knows just how much i think about her
an embarrassing rift between my mind and what is
separates the left and right side of the brain
separates this prize into a gift
it corners into the color of my skin
just enough to augment

and it is her
undeniably
undeniably her
that i worship
that stirs
this endless blur
into a ruthless cure
that i was so longing for

holy shift
you are a mess, darling
no longer my darling
i happily hand you off
to yet another one of your broken limbs
and sing a solemn hymn
quietly under my breath

"thank god, there's nothing of her left"

the pulse of your unknown leaves me wanting more
in every song, i sing of letting go
in every note, i sing of you as home

you lay in my lap
your head a gentle weight
hair, black and unkempt
you stared at my eyes and whispered
"you know you can't look back"
and I never knew what it was that you meant
until tonight
6 years later

later i would lay in your lap
and sigh silently as i mustered the courage
to tell you
strangely that i was in love with you
the night before i was to move
i'm so glad i did

what we got into
inevitably ended
but you were the age of love
that i know will forever
be embedded

most cannot live with their history
a straight night into the void
here, i digress
i want the truth to plummet into my chest
consistency is the greatest romance
i am i am i am
no life lesson

i am loving you
in this moment
in this moment
i am allowing myself to
be wholly consumed

your blonde hair captivates this willing mind
and i sink further than expected
in this investment
of my heart

Trying to wrap my head around
your mistakes
and why you did
what you did
but the answers aren't coming
and she keeps singing
"you know, we could be great"
but if i'm taking inventory
you were never a sanctuary
but *******, you were so sweet for a couple months
but i know myself
and i could wallow in the small moments of good
and have it all overlook
what hurt you have caused
and **** it
I don't want to love you anymore
I don't even think I do
it's just that nights are hard
and with idle time, comes an idle mind
but you just can't be what i think about anymore.

i'd like to move past
what time has stood still
for me
and turn my head
to your weak demands
of denial
and thoughtless pounding
on my chest
it hasan't broken yet
but it's bound to
if i stick around you
and i'm ******* stuck on you
just like the others
line 'em up
1, 2
i don't want to be the third
but darlin, i'm infinity
when it comes to loving



(you)

morning;
your skin tethered to the side of the bed
parallel to mine
i never took it for granted
not once
the way your thigh felt against my thigh
tones darker
tones collide
noon;
i would full myself up with you
and bleed into the hours
until one and one were fused
nothing felt wasted then
solemn and new
night;
i forgive the night
for turning it's back
for losing
in truth

i'm not ready
for another's headspace
and all that it takes
to love someone so hard
i see you lady
i see you and i want so badly to want to see you
but i just don't
lying next to you
is an effort
that i'm sure i could get at with practice
(as with most things)
but i have no patience now
the last girl who had my heart
has left me
scarred

such cracks feral tides
praise the loved hides