don't need a label
to have you be mine
i'm yours
i've been
since the night
these eyes
caught on to you

i swear,
your voice split the room
and my brain
into two halves
a visual i could not apprehend
or understand
so i didn't try

i wanted you
in my mind
i was already on top of you
but i sat there
with an ache that ran through
my body
while you spoke about
your favorite things
and recited popular rap songs

you held my hand at the corner of the bar
for a brief moment
and i died
i lived
my ******* heart fell to the floor
and i swallowed my words
along with my sighs

months later
and you give me the same effect
it's sad to think
that you may never
know this
that you question this
when it's the truth
i cling to most

If
You were not taken
I would take you
To the smallest parts
Of me
And place my hands
Over your heart
And tell you
(Once)
That you may have left
But you never left me
And I,
Never you

Everything reminds me of you
Goddamm
You

tonight
amongst all nights
my brain is running from me
holy screaming beneath
and i am gone
and i am loving it
your words give my body a physical reaction
i feel your wounds in my teeth
and i know you've a mind full of questions and doubts about me
but i want you to know that i'll stick it out
i'll stay around
because i'm in love
and you're all i see

I got tired of thinking
so I slid to the edge of the bed
and rallied my arms across the night stand
and gave in
over indulged in your plans
until I merely became a whim

i stare out
knowing
that i am where i should be
never knowing
just aligning
life is taking it's time
and who i am to try to stop it
or change it
i will stand in awe anyway
overwhelmed with it's tidal change

hiding
kept you in hiding
slowly pining
down my palms
(for you)
for once, i give in
to secret
recoiling my blood
when i realize what i'm doing
but it's so easy
loving
well, maybe it shouldn't be
but it is
a persistent knocking
at my temples
i cannot help but feel the weight
of your knuckles tonight

the night brings your name
carried against streams of
conscious thought
it is here I know I am better off
it is here I wish you saw

Ever since my Father died, I have felt a lack of awe.
I stare out before me and feel close to nothing.
I want to fix this but I'm not sure how or if there is anything tangible to "fix".
I have dreams where I see his face so clearly- I see his life laid out in layers and I try my hardest to piece it all back together but I'm too slow at the pace.
I am trying to understand what this world means without you.
It is perhaps the hardest thing I've had to do.

"And even if I could get you back, I don't try
You weren't all that good, but I loved you like you were
Mine
Is it the only thing, I keep it like I see it"

You were not that good
You were not that good
You were not much of anything
I am learning

our will is pure
but the past
we can't endure
and i am left guessing
which way we'll go
as the christmas tree we bought together
stands still
on your living room floor
undecorated
saying it all

if it was not for music
i would be
strung out
hopeless
waiting for a mistake to enter my temples
i'd regret this
only for a moment
but it's beautiful to be a loner
at times
when you can't make up your mind
how lovely it is to not waste another's time
with your regrets and indecision

i'm aware that you and i see things very differently
yet we feel most alike
in many ways
you and i could be the same person
at least that is what we used to say

now i've heard you say that a number of times
certain choice words you would use to describe me or "us"
now you use upon new strangers or old haunts
and i keep that in my mind
each time reminding me
of that timeless cliche
"actions speak louder than"...
i don't even allow myself to finish the thought
because i'm tired of cliches
i'm tired of the obvious
i want to be wowed
i want someone to come over and blow my mind
i'm ready for it
i thought i had it
but it came up short
she needed to part ways
in her mind it all makes sense
so i can't knock it
so i don't
instead- i just invisibly shrug my shoulders and
look up

i was anxious

so i pulled my hair one by one

and adored the strands washing out

between my fingers

fingers you once loved

fingers you once worshiped

like the base of my neck

you once called “perfect”

now time drones

each strand i now let go

and watch it float to the floor

such a pretty lull

you are

known

love-lord

"to be alone with you"
i hum that thought
to myself
on a nightly basis

what would i say
if you and i were alone
with hours to dwell
with words unsaid

i guess i would start with
a heavy sigh
and a head full of "why's?"
but I would keep those to myself
I would shake my head
place my hand to my heart
and like a chain to my chest
the silence would be enough
with you,
it would always be enough

i wouldn't yell
i wouldn't ask
i would simply acknowledge
and tell you "i am sorry"
and that I know how hard life is
sometimes
well, most times
it can go so slow
learning can go so slow
mistakes are hard to swallow
especially when nothing is saved
at the end of it all
we were a plan, unhatched
unmet
i n s a n e
weathered
before we started
a quiet lull from the norm
but we started
and it was full
it was fire
it was beautiful
and despite the outcome
now
looking back at it
while i'm in my bed
alone
it would be so easy to dismiss
but i'm not a liar
it was something
i could never forget
it was something
I could never forgive
it was something
that cannot
be taken
only stored
for memory lapses
and nostalgia's **** hour
you, my lull

i hum to myself these days
your regrets and your mistakes
and i don't write this to place blame
but you
honestly
were nothing but magical thinking
and wasted time
can't get back the hours
so instead i use them
to understand
that some people
you just can't get

as if i could

every note, a reminder
of you
every note, a reminder
of why i have to leave

_

wait for it
that's what we say
when we don't know what to do with pain.

_

if i could undress your thoughts
and disregard your arms for armor
we could go there every night
we could go there every night

if i could undo this love
would i want to
(as armor)
we could go there every night
we could go there every night

understand that things got lost
understand that i got lost
understand that things get lost
understand that i got lost

__

in this moment, i don't exist
make me forget
holding my own hand
just for the sake of it
this modern truth
was not made for you
_

father, make me new
just like your used to
take me blindly
forced to understand you
and you can have what's mine
you can have your time
take me blindly
forced to understand
you
you
you

Not looking for casual ***
that's too easy
too easy
leaves me empty
this modern day truth is not made for me
i refuse
i'll stay alone forever if it's gonna be this way
nothing is sacred
everyone is everything
and nothing
and we all say we "love" each other
to new strangers
before we even know their middle names
or how they look like when they lie
or how their father's voice sounds like
(and i have heard your father's voice-you called him just so i could hear
him-it was a Sunday. Do you remember?)
where we value meaningless moments
over loyalty or truth
and i could have been so devoted to you
but naw, you didn't want it
but enough about you
you
you who was
you who never will be
you
you
you
i can't pretend and try to minimize you
you will be what i write about for some time
you will be a story i longingly tell someday
but you won't be the only story i tell
and you aren't the love of my life
because who knows what that even means
modern day love
is
temporary
hostile
withdrawn
withheld
forlorn
complicated
without­ directions
or foresight
tamed
forgotten
unorthodox
a given

and all i want
is forever
unyielding

these days
i'm not afraid
cautious, rather
maybe you could even call me timid
because i learned not to love hard
not to waste excuses on what's not given
falling through the cracks
of a lie, of the living
i may as well be dead to you
so we could create a rhythm
with our apologies intertwined
on our tongues, split in mind
we'll never progress
darlin
we're just stalling the momentum.

i think
how strange
to have a broken heart
to feel any loss at all
when we control not a thing

most times i feel okay
sometimes, you even cross my mind
and i don't flinch anymore
most times

and it's at times like that, i'd rather just walk
into unknown spaces
but at least i'm moving

mr. know it all

knows no boundaries

no bounds

as she takes her words and makes her rounds

one by one

keep it coming, darling

your **** is so sweet

i’m so grateful for the wounds that your mouth keeps at repeat

it’s a graceful act

your love and song

because you act real quick and pretend nothing is wrong

until you’ve lost everything

and then you deny and you pause

and you look the other way

when the perfect girl is gone

You'd like me to believe
all your lines of repents
But you've got a mind that needs
needing
So you'll never learn a thing

no more
thinking
rest your head
and move on to the next
day
we all make mistakes
but we all make choices
and i want to make new choices
i want to surprise myself
i don't think i ever have
this opportunity is here
make it happen
make it count
you're on

man, this time lady year
I was soaking my feet
into new thoughts
of you
while laying my head to rest
in old memories
of her
January
always a blur
of residue unrest
Head cocked and tilted
Towards wounds and names
that I wanted to forget as soon as my
tongue hit their pavement
working on erasing
while sitting crossed
on a stranger's living room floor
Serpents
repent

at night
we live in a dream
where you will speak
and I will listen
finally
night hours
we are humbled by this love
by demise
by time
it is when I sleep that I never question
why

caution
be cautious, my mind says
and i'm halting
slowly pacing my thoughts
dragging them in a line
until i see which space is mine
and it's taunting.
the leveler
is the true decider
of where this will go
of what love will deny here
i am blood i am mire
hung up on the fence that you straddle
but i've allowed the noose and the wire

She asks me to understand her grief
I sleep beneath it
A pillar of flowers I hang my head with
I am surrounded by your hurt
(Well, at least the noose was beautiful)
Darling, I would undress your wounds
If I could
Like them clean
Heal with my tongue until you had no more feeling
But love is fleeting
and I am no better than the next one
Bury my mind with petals
Burn my eyes in haste
I want to forget
What it felt like
To discover hate

nostalgia
hits you
in the dead center of
a soft afternoon
in small, subtle ways
and all I want is to shake off
it's relentless embrace

And then I say to myself
"Chill out. Nothing is that extreme nor important."

i want to be something
that seeks nothing
from you
from your eyes that stare
into every night
past my doubts and cynicism
from your hands
in which i have loved
the stalling ways they have touched me
haunting me instantly

i want to be someone
who asks me nothing
of you
no guilt for never calling back
no fear of what you have planned next
wholly consumed in the moments you give
to me
with expecting nothing
next or later or then

i want to be nothing
that seeks nothing
that seeks nothing
that seeks

This is how nights are going to be
Now
Without you
Better get used to it

the easiest thing
would be to retreat
back into me
in the parked van
outside her doorstep
crying endlessly
for someone that just won't come
and who will never
again
pounding my nervous fingers on the steering wheel
trying to have you come back
but you took your medicine
and now you're sound asleep in your bed
and i am up, writing all night
high
g o n e
but it's the easiest thing
only having to answer to me
because my words and thoughts turn into feelings
and she just can't handle them
i can hardly handle them myself
i ****** up by reading her work
because it hurt
but it is just that
her work that i admire
intimacy
only creates illusions
and it is the only reason i can't read her words objectively

one night
one simple night

everyone on here

we are all writing about the same thing

lost love

gained love

broken hearted

learning to live (again)

hell, you know i’m no different

but i wanted to be

the one woman who could present to her a tarnished offering

something worthwhile

something that would make her see

that i’ve loved hard before but it’s next level when it comes to her

could hardly even try to explain that before i got shut down

with

"we weren’t even together-so i can’t really end it"

so, i swallow my words

because you’ve no use for my nouns or verbs.

a new year for you
old fashioned
i'll lay my head in the lap of you
and think of years past
and these years,
they pass
stand by as we grow
into
new

i want to be made out of brick
the malt of her residue
i taste the salt
on my lips
of you
of you

to wake
and see it
was frustrating
but no one's gonna **** up my way

Is what people say to lessen the blow
of hearts benign
I stare at you and want nothing more
than the time you give me
yet your mind races and you fight yourself
while giving it
It's not the best feeling but I am feeling it.
You say you don't want love and I hear it.
You say you want only a friend so I'll be that.
Give me that chance rather than posing and stalling your words- I can see you using your mouth as a trap.
You're gonna **** off what was once such an easy, beautiful thing
All because you don't believe I can be what you need.
And that simply is- a friendship so deep
only we could understand, only we could reach.

And she said
"Sometimes things are dumb and that's okay"
And I realized then
I will never be afraid
To love
To love
(You)

late night
up
making love to his voice
and his voice alone
but i am alone
realizing that we are done
your timid actions
i once deemed sweet
now seem young, spilling out deceit
and i now lay
in our defeat
more in my own
we took in our prime
when i thought i loved a saint
i was merely a fool
reciting out your lines
as a means to control
what out
comes
and i can only be humbled by this

to mend and break again
what we would do to outlast
the night

Holding my hand down the street
It is the luckiest street to witness this
And in this moment, I feel like the luckiest woman living
It is these small moments
When I am holding you at night
And I am merely mirroring what you give me darling
They say we can't start
But I can't listen
Because in this moment
Sitting across from you at the restaurant where we order the exact same thing,
I saw the softness of your face
What I haven't seen for some time
And I can't help but revert back
To only 3 weeks ago
And tell you just
How beautiful you truly are.

the past of you
hides
and taunts
in interesting ways
i am learning
how to develop
a soft
armor
around
my heart
and mind
in order to move
(you)

the day goes blank
as i stare ahead
but can only see
the mouth of me
grazing your skin
empty promises acting as teeth
caught in between
ending
and
leaving
run this memory
all over me, darling
down to the dust of doubt
while i make love
to the pendulum of our love
when i say
i see beyond it
in my way
i mean to say
i see you
and i will always

Summer
Always reminds me of
Your Olive skin
Caving in
Onto my chest
Petals broken in
Slowly curving out
In between the ribs
You always wore
The crown, my darling
And now I know
After staring straight
Into this memory
You always will

I remember waking up to your texts

it would baffle me-the various ways you could say “good morning”

you kept it interesting and i fell asleep every night smiling, knowing i would hear from you

but now my phone stays silent most of the time

oh, the way that you used to look at me
i hid behind the pillar of futures unknown
you gave me your bracelet from your right wrist
in the bathroom
within seconds missed
my chest, a closing in drone
heavy sighs my darling
you were such a heavy thing

spiraling down
we both went down
and it was beautiful
until it just was not anymore

but for a few months
it was bliss

a constant
head check
of lines that i recite
well, pull them out of my mouth
darling
and lap my tongue
around every apology
or lie
and swallow the stem
i want to be yours
but i want you to be mine
oh, well
then
what does that entail
now?