Lasting love has eluded me
Loneliness still consumes

No matter what I do
or the difference that I make

The hole inside me
grows bigger with time

Why can’t I shake it
Why can’t I be fine

What’s the matter that I can’t
just love only myself and
embrace my time alone

I can’t explain it
I’ve tried so very hard
to chart a new path

Extrovert, fun, life of the party they say
If only they knew the bleakness inside

I hurt from the trauma,
the heartbreak and loss I’ve endured

I’ve never felt good enough
for this world I inhabit
Maybe the next one will
be more my jam

This lone life is just not for me
I hang on for others
So that they won’t be sad

But in time I will be ready
To do what I feel is in my grand plan

The mask, as they say, is a friend of mine

Behind that mask is where I spend the most time

The mask just might be my very best friend

That mask seems to be my beginning and my end

The mask is there to keep people at bay

That mask tells everyone that I am okay

This mask I’ve worn since I was a child

Make everyone laugh, be funny, don’t dare disappoint

I am the good boy set out to change the world

That mask becomes tattered, aged and worn

Much like my spirit, tired, sullen and torn

Soon comes the time that energy I have not

To put on that mask and walk into life

I’m tired, so tired with the light ever further away

Is it time, my time, to say goodbye to today?

The mask is a friend of mine, or so they say

“One of the truest, one of the few.

Your essence is pure, no need to subvert.

Nothing but goodness, joy and happiness exude from your core.

It may be said of many, but your smile has watts that illuminate the truth, lighting up a room as only you, Elizabeth Young, can do.

That hair so lush, like it breathes on its own, to catch but a whiff is to know that I belong.

Belong in that embrace, welcomed into your orbit, the feeling so special, so genuine, so joyous, that I’ll never forget it.

That heart, your great big heart, encompassing every room, but never wanting the spotlight to shine down on you.

Your gift as a giver, showering love with aplomb,

yet always looking out for others, mindful of those with less,

makes you a special human who always wants the best.

Your laugh like no other, a kinship have we,

sometimes those seeking silence, don’t appreciate the unique harmonies between you and me. 😂

Your essence is a gift that I will forever cherish, I am blessed to call you my friend, to love you is an honor.

You’re the other half of my sunshine and that can never be taken away.

Your radiance is immortal, your legacy unmatched,

Yesterday, today and forever you will always shine bright and show me the way.”

Todd Carter
7/29/2022

I was just a boy. I hated myself.

I had to be perfect. I hated myself.

Everyone loved me. I hated myself.

I was popular. I hated myself.

I had lots of friends. I hated myself.

My family loved me. I hated myself.

I was condemned to hell by my Baptist upbringing. I hated myself.

I dated girls. I hated myself.

I attempted suicide. I survived. I hated myself.

I came out. I struggled. I tried to love myself.

I met my best friend, my soulmate. He taught me to love myself.

He was murdered. I was destroyed.

I gave up religion. I accepted myself. I tried to love myself.

I mourned. I learn(ed). I battl(ed) depression. I suffer(ed) anxiety. I  accepted myself.

I tried to love myself.

I was fat. I hated myself.

I was too gay. I hated myself.

I was ugly. I hated myself.

I was unlovable. I hated myself.

A 17 year love crushed my soul. I tried, and failed, at loving myself.

I got ***. I hated myself.

I was successful. I tried to love myself.

I traveled the world. I was the consummate extrovert, the life of the party. I loved myself.

I fell in love. He killed himself. I was destroyed. I hated myself.

Am I unworthy of love? I hated myself.

I pour myself into helping others. Do I love myself?

I keep trying. I keep living.

Somedays are good. Somedays not so much.

Somedays I love myself. Somedays not so much.

Today is a hard day and to that I cannot lie;

Today is a hard day and I ask myself why.

What is it that is missing,  where is that piece to connect;

My life is truly me, yet there is no one there to get.

I love what I love and I do what I do,

I just wish there was someone to share it through and through.

Today is a hard day and to that I cannot lie;

Today is another day, alone, bye the bye.

One day it may be different to that I only wish,

But right now it feels hopeless, helpless and empty.

Today is a hard day and to that I must accept,

Today I must go on living but it doesn’t mean I haven’t wept.

“Maybe by a minute,
might’ve been a day.

Either way I escaped it,
was lucky either way.

Was it a random choice,
maybe geography?

Not sure why I escaped it,
why I live on to see.

The scourge that decimated,
took all that talent away.

Why did I survive it?
What am I left to say....

that has meaning or heft or gravitas for days?

Not sure what to make of it,
questions running through my mind.

I only know that I escaped it,
***+, not yet the deadly kind.

Maybe by an hour,
who am I to say?

A.I.D.S. - the affliction of a generation, will it ever go away?“