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Todd Carter Jul 2019
“Maybe by a minute,
might’ve been a day.

Either way I escaped it,
was lucky either way.

Was it a random choice,
maybe geography?

Not sure why I escaped it,
why I live on to see.

The scourge that decimated,
took all that talent away.

Why did I survive it?
What am I left to say....

that has meaning or heft or gravitas for days?

Not sure what to make of it,
questions running through my mind.

I only know that I escaped it,
***+, not yet the deadly kind.

Maybe by an hour,
who am I to say?

A.I.D.S. - the affliction of a generation, will it ever go away?“
Pose FX got me feeling some kinda way:
Todd Carter Jun 2019
Today is a hard day and to that I cannot lie;

Today is a hard day and I ask myself why.

What is it that is missing,  where is that piece to connect;

My life is truly me, yet there is no one there to get.

I love what I love and I do what I do,

I just wish there was someone to share it through and through.

Today is a hard day and to that I cannot lie;

Today is another day, alone, bye the bye.

One day it may be different to that I only wish,

But right now it feels hopeless, helpless and empty.

Today is a hard day and to that I must accept,

Today I must go on living but it doesn’t mean I haven’t wept.
Todd Carter Feb 2019
The mask, as they say, is a friend of mine

Behind that mask is where I spend the most time

The mask just might be my very best friend

That mask seems to be my beginning and my end

The mask is there to keep people at bay

That mask tells everyone that I am okay

This mask I’ve worn since I was a child

Make everyone laugh, be funny, don’t dare disappoint

I am the good boy set out to change the world

That mask becomes tattered, aged and worn

Much like my spirit, tired, sullen and torn

Soon comes the time that energy I have not

To put on that mask and walk into life

I’m tired, so tired with the light ever further away

Is it time, my time, to say goodbye to today?

The mask is a friend of mine, or so they say
Todd Carter Jun 2018
I feel it, I feel it to my core

I feel it, an empath to my bones

I feel it, not sure where to go

I feel it, the pain I know is real

I feel it, I know down deep that this is time last spent

I feel it, I want to fight it, but to what end?

I feel it, is it worth it?

This is my life, is it worth it?

Does my life justify the fight?

The demise is imminent, is it worth the fight?

The collapse is assured, if I give up, will it be alright?

Oh, America the promise, what has become of us?

No longer I pledge, my country ‘tis of thee

I feel it, as I watch the destruction of liberty

I feel it, the collapse of the “great experiment,” so they say

I feel it, the genocide and slavery of which we were born

Were we ever really different than those who came before?

We tell ourselves lies to keep from confronting  the horror we inflict

I feel it, the hate, the racism, the treatment of people born brown

I feel it, powerless to inspire, to change, to resurrect common ground

I feel it, but what does that even mean anymore?
Todd Carter Jun 2018
I was just a boy. I hated myself.

I had to be perfect. I hated myself.

Everyone loved me. I hated myself.

I was popular. I hated myself.

I had lots of friends. I hated myself.

My family loved me. I hated myself.

I was condemned to hell by my Baptist upbringing. I hated myself.

I dated girls. I hated myself.

I attempted suicide. I survived. I hated myself.

I came out. I struggled. I tried to love myself.

I met my best friend, my soulmate. He taught me to love myself.

He was murdered. I was destroyed.

I gave up religion. I accepted myself. I tried to love myself.

I mourned. I learn(ed). I battl(ed) depression. I suffer(ed) anxiety. I  accepted myself.

I tried to love myself.

I was fat. I hated myself.

I was too gay. I hated myself.

I was ugly. I hated myself.

I was unlovable. I hated myself.

A 17 year love crushed my soul. I tried, and failed, at loving myself.

I got ***. I hated myself.

I was successful. I tried to love myself.

I traveled the world. I was the consummate extrovert, the life of the party. I loved myself.

I fell in love. He killed himself. I was destroyed. I hated myself.

Am I unworthy of love? I hated myself.

I pour myself into helping others. Do I love myself?

I keep trying. I keep living.

Somedays are good. Somedays not so much.

Somedays I love myself. Somedays not so much.

— The End —