How do I say
Jesus Christ you've changed
without seeming like I don't like who you've become
because I miss the old you
I miss the jokes the old you told
I miss the way you didn't hold my hand unless I held yours first
I miss the nights when you were honest
I miss you always knowing when something was wrong
but lately you only make jokes at other people's expense
you grab my waist too hard
it always seems like you're trying to cover something up
you never ask me if I'm upset
which I'm almost happy about because you're normally the reason
you never come see me anymore and I'm wondering why that is
because I'm not sure if you remember when you said you loved me but I do
and I'm not sure if you still do but I thought I did for a while
until you disappeared and I think you left the old you in rehab
you've started drinking again
do you remember when you said it made you sad when I drank because I do
that's the reason I stopped
but now that you've picked up the bottle so have I
and our fingers are almost meeting in the middle
I'm scared to let you know how close I am to you
because I think you might rip it out of my hands and let it shatter at my feet
then leave me to pick up the pieces.

I want you to text me drunk
want you to admit you still love me
want you to say my name
to say please
to say I'm sorry
to be you again

I want you to tell me about those nights
the ones when I would've settled for anyone
when I grabbed your hand
I want you to tell me how you remember it
want to hear you say how safe you felt
how right everything was
want to look into your eyes
because I could never bring myself to then

I want you to need me
to love me
to hurt me
to tell me you hate me
want you to want me until it hurts
until your heart explodes
until you start kicking yourself ******
because you know I will try to fix you
want you to be empty
to be sad
to be angry
to be forgotten
I want to be there
to be thoughts
to be longing
to be lust
to be dark living room
to be eighth beer
to be cigarette break
to be last time
to be last time
to be last time
to be I swear to god this is the last time

I want to destroy you from the inside out
want to be worse for you than the ******* in your veins
want to fill your lungs like tar
to burn your throat when you cough up my name
want your eyes to sting
your head to pulse the next morning like my heartbeat
your tongue to taste like mine

I want to be unhealthy
want to be bad habit
to be addiction
to be two weeks sober
to be relapse
to be six months sober
to be relapse
want you to come back
to crawl back
to beg
to cry
want you to feel every place I've ever touched you

I want you to realize what love is
want you to stop using the word lightly
want to get my heart's worth
want you to know what you signed up for
want you to understand what loving me means