My desolation fuelled demon drove me sinisterly to the edge,
“dying by your own hand is the only way out” it alleged.
So I walked to the bridge over the M25 and stood inclined.
Then I jumped- but halfway down, I found I’d changed my mind.
I just wanna live,
I just wanna be free.
I don't wanna die
Facing this reality.
I miss the day and
I miss what once was.
I wish I could forget
Like a normal one does.
But for me,
That is not a possibility.
Wrong Tons With Me Soup
seared in a teary onion broth
Slow Roasted Fear
crushed with loneliness
tossed with insomnia
marinated in a vertigo dressing
General Trouble Chicken
gloomed to perfection
sitting on steamed danger
stir fried in an overwhelm sour sauce
Choked Volcanic Eruption
mountain of OCD
topped with whipped depression
glazed with self-loathing
prepared with frothy guilt
(C) Jl 2016
OCD And I
We go to couples counseling every week
you know, the usual "Has there been any progress?"
You see, OCD ... he is a bit obsessive.. and doesn't understand why we need counseling
His nails grind into the office chair and slams the door on the way out
He loves and cradles me with commands like flowers that bouquet against my mind
And the next morning as if the bouquets were to fall over from their steady placed vase, he apologizes.
There are mornings where I cannot leave the sheets because his arms are wrapped around my waist and do not want to let go because if he did I might as well be **** independent
If he loves me so much, why is it that I must wash my hands after tracing over everything he has touched.
OCD says he wants to protect me from all the dangers of the world...
and he reminds me by constantly ticking in my head
asking me if I locked the door...Yes
did I turn off the lights... Yes
did you turn off the stove...Yes
We went to counseling again this week
She says I'm closer to being independent
That little by little
I will be able to strive without OCD
by my side
There are mornings now
where I can leave the bed without his arms
sinking into my waist
and his demanding words
whispering in my ear constantly
"Just stay a little longer... The world is dangerous"
Now... when OCD leaves...
I tell him to make sure he closes the door on the way out.
I am in a constant battle for control.
I am hard to deal with
because my therapist says
OCD will not rest
OCD does not care what time it is
OCD does not care where you are
OCD does not care who is watching.
Usually when I obsess over things
I see my life falling to shambles
I see people not loving me anymore
I see germs sneaking into my skin.
When my uncle, my aunt, and my friend all died
in a matter of three months,
i performed rituals every hour on the hour
sometimes even more.
My therapist says this will not go away.
My therapist says to come see her so we can try to cope with this.
My therapist does not understand that WE are not coping.
I am coping
not anyone else
My therapist is a sick person
she is still recovering from alcoholism
so how can she help me
if all she sees is a bottle of bourbon when she looks at me.
I am not a bottle of bourbon
I am a bottle of OCD and depression and anxiety
I am a bottle of drugs and alcohol and death
I am a bottle being smashed over your head
I am not coping
I am drowning
And people have stopped loving me
And my life is falling into shambles
And I think I may be getting sick
so what the **** are these rituals even doing for me
I have stopped taking medication because
wanting to die has become habitual
and I fear that will become a ritual too.
If I die
all people will talk about is how much they loved me
even if they didn't.
If I die,
there will be no room to have my life fall to pieces
because I will be in peace.
If I die,
I cannot get sick because the soil
will be taking care of my body but
who will perform my rituals
once I'm gone?
I apologize for this
Dad tells me I'm crazy
Mom says I'm insane
But how can I begin to explain to them
What I feel inside my brain?
The doctor calls it OCD
says don't do that anymore
I say I need to be free
I'll touch that corner till I'm sore.
They don't know what I know
How life would be if I paused
and then they'd come back to me
after seeing what they've caused.
*** should not be Bait
nor means for leverage;
*** should be expressive
of deeper spiritual tides.
Maybe it's just me
and my romantic philosophy
but I'm sick of this complacent disedification;
all this living for selfish instant gratification.
I am taking a few weeks' hiatus from the Internet. Partially to see if I can, and partially to focus on some other things in my life. Thank you all for reading my work so frequently, and thank those of you who comment as well. I will check in from time to time to read the things my fellow Pens have to write, but I shan't be active like I usually am.