I saw her the other day
Tried to avoid her
Hoping she would not see me

My friend called me over
I could have walked right past her
To get to his desk
But i took the long way around

He asked about my birthday
Even though he was there
He asked about my grandparents
Even though he already knew

I kept my voice low
Not wanting her to hear
Still, my eyes found her
Just for a moment
And it shattered me all over again

I cannot process
How she is so unfazed
How she has erased our history

How she has simply let go.....

Why do I feel like I do not belong when I know I do
Why do I feel low when all I ever dreamt is of sky
Why do I why do I why do I

Can you hold my hand and end my despair
Can you tell me what I deserve when I clearly don’t understand

I’m a mess sinking down in all of this distress
Nowhere to go no one to call I came so far away searching for my happiness gone
Show me some mercy for I can’t catch a break
For every love I got turned out fake
For every soul I saved, I’ve not been repaid

Why do I feel like I deserve it all when I know I don’t
Why do I feel controlled when all I ever dreamt is to be uncontrolled
Why do I why do I why do I

Can you show me the way out of my misery
Can you find me the peace which I am not able to

I’m a chaos finding an order for which only lord knows might be my agony
Having a brainstorm I find myself in a collapse
I got no one to blame for I know I’m my worst enemy

Here I stand with my sorrow with my aching
Hoping for a way out, looking for an end of it

why is there a void in me when i am filled completely
why is there an emptiness when i can't take anything anymore
what am i lacking when there is nothing to aim for
why is there a missing piece when i don't see any jigsaw
what is holding me back when i have nothing to let go
why do i keep running when i know nothing to chase after
what is it that scares me when i am a sunken ship
what is it that i am longing for when i came short of everything i longed for
what do i care about when there is nothing to look after
where do i find serenity when everything is  a disaster
why is this silence so loud that it deafens me to know what i want

Here i sit in the back watching you two interact

I don’t want to feel this way but i do

You’re both carefree and happy as I’m just a spectator waiting for love

I get told i don’t think

But I’m thinking right now

I think all the time..

Constantly my brain won’t stop

I’m writing these words down that come to mind to try and sort it all out but it won’t cease

I can’t stop thinking

Words are rushing onto the page like a pipe thats about to burst

I keep trying to patch the hole but more water seeps through..

More words.. seep through

Consuming my thoughts till it’s all that I’m made of

All that i think of

We’re sitting here talking about my future

I’m dazing off into space

I’m not sure what i am

Or who i want to be..

I look prettier in the dark

All my imperfections fade into the shadows and im left with what i want to see

I’m left with all that i am

A shadow