There's something...
infinitely beautiful,
dancing, delicately,
on pulled threads,
across nimble fingers:

the cat's cradle,
between emotional agony,
and mental silence.  

When every tear, is at last, exhausted...
when your lungs, wheeze, fluidly,
from helpless overexertion,
and, gasping for breath,
you turn your cheek, for air,
your pillow:
now, a man-made lake...

the numbness... suffuses,
your entire being.

Loud suffering, falls silent.
Red-rimmed eyes,
become too swollen,
to examine their own pain.

The nothingness blankets you,
in its warmest embrace.
You become swaddled; baby-soft, again,
yet plated, in auric detachment.

...Nothing, can touch me,
nothing,
can inform, my placid heart,
to beat.

in this moment,
I am free, of its emotional trappings.
its threads, can't pin me;
its pull, can't drag me down.

My lips,
shape a smile,
but it only serves, to show...
that it no longer hurts,
to stretch a wooden bridge,
across the gaping void.

...but even so... it's just a band-aid.

It won't fix, what's broken,
and the blood,
will seep through,
the gauze, again.
The pain, will return;
it'll grow knuckles,
that form fists,
which wield knives.

But, for now...
I lay myself, to rest...
blunted, mummified,
in a buzzing swathe,
of pristine, white.........





silence

Relapse as a revelation

I. Confession

Dear self,

We find ourselves in the same predicament once again.
In a hospital with thoughts which are cycling at a speed of which I have no control.

II. The Snake and the Spirit

My delusions are so strong,
rooted in logic they must be so,
they have to be true no other choice.

Even my mind agrees
but I know, subconsciously she can’t be trusted. She can be as deceitful as Lucifer. A snake, laying in wait.
Patiently waiting to attack in this case my mental state.

But that doesn’t change the fact that I have been transported in a new world, even if it just for a while.

I see many futures all connected to a new world. I see it clear in my minds eyes; a world where that I could’ve lived in if a picked a different choice.
A parallel world others would call it.

This is not a lie.
Please do not say this is all part of the delusion

I know what is real. I don’t care what they say. It’s hard to convince me otherwise.

God what do you say?
…
Only silence: is that my answer?


But it has to be noted that unlike my first hospitalization there’s less confusion,

more understanding of its structure and rules although it might be a new location

The fundamental are much the same.

III. Rituals of the Parallel World

Change to scrubs.
Which mark me as a new patient: just like   the Bible verse said it is written
2 Corinthians 5:17
The old has passed away, now stand a new creation in Christ.

Wait some more like I’m in chapel awaiting a response. Keep awaiting in the hall, for my room.

Must be patient.
Remember it is written: 1 Thessalonians 5:14 be patient with everyone learn the virtue.

See the staff erasing all traces of its last occupant; Parallel world-
Just like how Jesus’ blood did erase the punishments of sin. How they both are gone.

Settle in. As the hours tick by wait for lunch, dinner in bed. Time to rest.

Feel the excess energy throughout my being. Try to sleep hours still tick by

Wake up fix the bed.
Remember it is written; Matthew 6:6.
In my room on my knees pray in private in the windowless dark room which provides the only cover as the rooms have no door.
Ignore the nurse that go by, or at least try. Thank god that this isn’t my tomb of despair.

Now it’s midday-
Fidget

Where can my peace be found?
God what do you say?
Remember it is written: Mathew 7:7.
It will be given.

The T.v glares.
I go and ask the nurse,
“Where can I worship?”
She hands me a pocket Bible.
”Will this do? It’s all we got.”

Take it like it’s the bread offering of the Eucharist, it might as well be.

However note that gives no reassurance, due to its lack of ownership, it has no name.

This Bible is nothing like mine which I filled with my annotations and personal questions to God.

More hours tick by, the angst still so intense.

Suddenly remember how songs can send me messages, ask a new nurse
“How can I access such music.”

IV. Songs as Scripture

Back in my room I’m transport back to church.

As music fills my area. Sing along, in worship mood I am delighted.

God is my savior in every space I inhabit.

Days drag by, has it been a week?

Rationality seep through once more.

The homesickness is heavy laden. When will I be free to go?

With all the rules my safety a top concern. Must wait to be assessed by professionals because they know all the facts.

They know better than I ever could, is that really so? But how can that be true?

V. The Cross I Carry

They don’t know me from Eve.
And my mental disease is not for them to handle. It’s not their weight to carry it’s my fate: the cross that I do bear.

So why aren’t I given autonomy of this choice. Don’t I get to decide when it’s safe for me to go back home?

Why do they say they know best?

Why do they dare take away my choice? Who gave them keys
to a gate
that locks up my freedom?

How do they not know that those walls that used to have me chain
Have been torn down
By a man who loves me and
Who spilled his blood, to set me free?

Why are they so set to limit my freedom?  Can’t they see on what I know is true?

VI. Why Am I Still Here?

God said it so; his blood set me free, so let me go.

So why am I still here
in this room
Without a door?

They say I’m ready, doors open wide.
The world awaits, I’m terrified.
I’ve held my breath through hurricanes,
Learned how to name the storm.
How to sit with crippling pain,
Using ice until it warms.

In here, in soft fluorescent light, they taught me what I feel.
Out there, where silence cuts again, will I forget what’s real?
Will I fold into my old ways,
Boundaries drawn in sand?
What if my voice is lost again,
When I need to take a stand?

But - the wife, the kids, the friends who stayed, throughout the darkness wait.
They never asked me why or judged, they long beyond these gates.
I owe them not a perfect me, I know I cannot stay,
I know I can’t be free of scars, but can try day by day.

This isn’t the end of the journey, it’s the start - another way.
I don’t go back to nothing, I’ll go and I will pray.

To thrive, and not just to survive, I’ll stumble in the dark.
But I will stumble forwards, I carry now a spark.
Through future hurts
Through past’s return
Wherever my mind roams.
I know that I must go now.
Hope my path back home.

They see his smile,
The practiced charm.
The steady hands that do no harm.
But I have lived behind closed doors,
Where silence screams and kindness wars.

He plays the saint, irons all the creases,
Whilst I’m the one to pick up the pieces.
To twist my truth, to guard my name.
To shield my child from quiet shame.

But lies can’t bloom where courage grows,
And now it’s time that people know.
I’ll be no longer mute, or play along,
My gentleness is fierce and strong.

I dread the day she turns from me,
Believing what she thinks she sees.
But love is patient, love can wait.
It does not vanish, twist, or hate.

So let them talk, let masks deceive,
I’ll hold my truth, I will not leave.
And when the fog begins to clear,
She’ll find me standing, always near.
With open arms, and eyes that see,
The quiet, mighty strength in me.

I’ll soon leave the light where kindness stayed,
A place of healing, warmth and grace.
Now shadows stretch across the road,
And fear reclaims its bitter place.

Peace helped healing to begin,
But now the noise comes crashing in.
Still there, hateful and unfair
His twisted words and blinded eyes,
Trying to silence me with lies.

I now have love, people who really see.
A circle strong, they’ve got me.
Their voices echo, strong and kind.
A bandage of light around my mind.

But still, I dread the strangle choke.
The ways I coped, the ways I broke.
So let me breathe, just one deep breath,
And hold the truth, not think of death.

That fear can walk beside the brave,
And healing isn't quick or straight.
I will not be what he once named.
I will not drown beneath his game.
Each day, I'll choose a gentler way,
And that, alone, will be my flame.

I sit where quiet walls have held,
The shattered pieces I once quelled.
This ward, this hush, this trembling light,
Has nursed me through my darkest night.

All too soon I’ll have to leave.
Healed?
The world awaits beyond the sealed,
Safe echo of this padded room.
Out there, it swarms with noise and gloom.

I promised I’d try. I meant it too
When I looked into her eyes so blue.
So tired, yet full of fierce belief,
I promised her life, not just relief.

But how can I go when my legs still shake?
When my demons still hide, and my smile feels fake?
When awaiting work, life, every task,
Requires wearing such a heavy mask.

I feel a bit better, maybe that’s true.
But better’s not the same as new.
I’m sewn up with thread, not forged in steel,
And I don’t trust the way I feel.

Will work collapse me, sharp and fast?
Will I only repeat my haunted past?
Will spinning plates break, will voices rise?
Will silence shout behind her eyes?
Still, I said I’d try. I will.
Through mornings taste of bitter pills.
Though uncertainty looms and steps feel steep
I’ve promised more than just to keep.

To live. To stretch. To fail, then rise.
To meet the sun with open eyes.
Not every day will burn so bright.
But some will.
That’s my hardest fight.

And if I stumble, fall, or cry,
I’ll still be alive, I’ll still try.
I know that I will feel the cold.
But I’ve got hands, and hers to hold.

I do not shout, I do not scream.
But must stand tall inside my dream.
You try to choke the light I keep,
But a flame still flickers somewhere deep.

You shoot your words like heavy stones,
To **** kindness, love, and break my bones.
You call me names I’d never own,
But I’ve built peace inside my home.

You say I’m less, that I’m unfit,
But I’ve felt truth and won’t submit.
My child knows my steady hands,
The warmth of love that understands.

You rage like storms, but I’m the sky.
I hold the sun, I won’t ask why.
No longer breaking by your lies,
I breathe in hope and climb up high.

I do not fight with sword or thunder,
I fight with smiles and quiet wonder.
I fight in stories that I read,
In every planted, growing seed.

You will not twist the bond I grow.
Love roots deep, and you won’t know
The pure, clean things you cannot break.
The gentle strength that I now wake.

I’ll walk with those who hold me dear.
I’ll live with light, not shame or fear.
The past may knock, but I won’t bend.
This chapter’s mine.
This pain will end.

Let me thrive, not just survive.
I’m not just here, I'm bold, alive.
And though I rise without a sound,
There’s power in the peace I’ve found.

They sit in shadows, just out of reach.
A tide pulling away from the beach.
Their eyes no longer search for mine,
They drift in a story, insisting they’re fine.

I held them when the nights were long.
I stitched their hurts, I made them strong.
Kissed it all better, cheered them on,
So proud of who they have become.

Every mess he made, I stood alone.
Holding it together - strong as stone.
When he’d check out of life and flee,
When absence wrapped our family tree,
11-years were left to me.

The ups and downs, the wrongs and rights.
And now he rides in like a knight.
With polished lies and twisted fate.
Writing the narrative - It’s me they should hate.

They listen now, With stolen ears,
And I’m left fighting my worst fears.
Of losing them - not to life or time,
But to a tale that isn’t mine.

I speak, but they can’t hear me still
My love not loud enough to fill
The gap that lies between our days
His falsehoods slick with gold and praise.

And what remains is grief so wide,
It echoes in the space beside
A mother’s arms, once safe and sure,
Now tremble with hurt I must endure.

But I will wait - I always do.
With a steady heart and a love that’s true.
The truth, like spring, may take its time.
But it’ll bloom one day, for they are mine.

A silence hangs where hunger hides,
And all I want is what's inside.
I wish they knew I’d understand,
The aching pain, I know firsthand.

Too tall inside a breaking shell,
The secret wars we never tell.
I've walked that road, I know its cost,
The parts of self that can be lost.

My words feel weightless,
I feel blame.
But shame and love can feel the same.
And I am tired - too bruised to fight.
The shadows still outgrow the night.
I flinch at every small demand,
Can't hold the world with one weak hand.

No tears will fall,
No space to break.
Too scared of adding to their ache.
But my child, if you see me true,
I’d carry your pain, as I carried you.
My silence isn’t strength or pride
It’s fear not being enough a guide.
Just know I’m here, though words may flee,
You are not alone.
You are safe with me.