I went to use my voice as I awoke
But as the words were about to be spoke,
A hundred knives poked into my throat
Each syllable gave a jab and poke.
Quietly, I laid in bed, not speaking another note.

I went to my medicine cabinet
Grabbing a handful these and those,
The water on the stove is bubbling
To a cherry flavored packet of bovine bones.
Reading an article telling to drink the mixture,
Looking into the bowl, I whispered, "no"

My head is starting to pound,
Eyes starting to feel heavy and thick
Hearing only a heavy pulse for sound,
I think I'm starting to get sick.

On the days I don't know what to write,
I write about not knowing what to write.
Each word rattling, wanting to play
But I fear my original thoughts are cliche.
The inspirational quote I wrote, feeling powerful,
As I put it down, just felt so dull and bland.
Full poems, pulling at my heart
Disappear into that nowhere land
Like sands sifting from an hourglass
Onto the beach, blending back.

I painted landscapes in a moment
Pouring water, after, over the canvas
I couldn't stand to see myself portrayed generically.
As the brush had hit the fabric,
I believed this was my vision and I owned it.
The colors flowing out had shown
A piece to this world I called "unknown".

Thinking on all those almost created,
I wish I kept them, maybe,
My future self would have found one amazing,
Maybe someone would have related.

How quickly they can feed you fire,
How quickly they can take it away.

Laying on a hospital bed, she said
"Tell me about heaven" in a soft gasp,
Placing back the oxygen mask,
Her eyes shown a desire to know,
Breaths keeping steady but slow.
Okay.

You know the gates they speak,
Big and pearly with a man ready to greet?
That's all totally fake.
Close your eyes and picture an empty room,
Now this place is yours to assume.
Your old friends will visit in a minute
As the name zooms through your self.
In the form you've held most dear.
Emotions, good and bad still run strong
But if you need composure, you can turn them off.
A place can be all perfect, still everything should be felt.

Existence for each is just what they need,
Some want a challenge, others just need to be.
The expectation created, sounds good but flawed,
Perfection can curse that's why it's not.

As the machines stopped beeping,
Oxygen seeping through tubes
But not being held, it was time.
You opened your eyes to a room
I painted for your mind.

It's pretty crazy thinking like this,
It's pretty amazing the words that were writ
In my hand, without command, lands with
People across the world, similar souls,
Similar goals, I'm looking for peace.
Searching for depressive thoughts to release.
I show them a Hydra living inside,
They show me beasts of similar size.
Similar minds pretending everything is fine,
But if this hurt is so common, why do we hide?
Embarrassed admission will eat us alive.

"Don't forget me", I yelled jokingly
To friends waving on a late Friday night
As they drove off and into the moonlight,
I stood on that curb feeling alive
We got by forgetting life. In hindsight,
The best people to surround yourself
Are those that can keep your mind right.
As the day ended, I laid up in bed
Pretending nothing would ever change,
Knowing everything may change.

"Don't forget me", I spoke through a phone.
We catch up on brighter days
The conversation is distant, I'd say,
Only speaking in nonchalant tones.
Talking of memories but in present,
We aren't present in each other's places,
A friendly wave in common spaces
In a real sense, nothing more than stranger faces.

"Don't forget me", I thought on older times
When plans were yours and mine,
Both of us are busy, no chance to call,
The phone's silent hanging on the wall.
I was wrong with my words, you see
I said "don't forget me" but I meant
Remember me.

I've been told,
you can't change the world overnight
And they're right.
But you can start.

What would I do for a Klondike?
I might ****** a militia of a million men,
Take the time to cut off every head
With a quick swink and a loud thud.
We don't play, bud, I'd crawl through the mud,
Grind through the filth of Shawshank
With smells too terrible to speak
For just a bite of that creamy treat.

I'd be a drug mule until I got to the top, bro.
I'd smuggle it all like El Chapo,
Working hard with police on my payroll
Until I got caught and questioned,
Judged and jailed to teach me a lesson.
Showing them that ice cream for confession
And all they responded was,
"Ryan, that was a rhetorical question"

Lately, my body has felt like a ghost town,
People use to intersect in my lanes,
Nobody has been coming around
And nothing is being maintained.

The old saloon is only making noise
From a ghost piano they left employed,
Destroyed are the shops and homes,
The streets bleed cracks and potholes
Where they say if you put your ear to the ground
You can hear someone around the world
Whispering a gentle "hello".

As the sun bleeds through at high noon,
Two old cowboys appear in standoff
Inside me, they tell eachother count to three.
Softly they count but both react at two,
The first puts a gun to his temple to squeeze,
The other puts a knife to his wrist to bleed.
Both have a clear intention to destroy,
Ignored in this heat, no one makes a sound
Stuck in standstill in this bodied ghost town.

There was lightning inside me tonight,
Burning bright in electrical static.
There was thunder erupting in decibels
From my finger tips booming in havoc.
Flashing instances of light too quick to tell
If my thoughts were striking to fall
Then sitting quiet, these words appeared
In an eerie calm.

There was wind seeping out from my lips
Blowing life into paper once lifeless,
The corners would rise and drift
Like the tide would slip under a boat,
Steady she goes and keeping afloat.
As my breaths did flow evenly paced,
The salty air blew through this place
Leaving these words in haste.

There was rain dropping from my eyes
Rolling down my cheeks, dripping onto lines.
They say things may soon come clear
But my cloudy head is pretty grey, I fear.
As the tears hit and water spread,
They left a poem once they dried
As I went off to bed.