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Gh0ski3 Mar 20
It stings doesn't it?
But the crowd laughs
They think it's a part of the bit
Just like the divorce

I have a joke for you
It's called, "a spray bottle full of chemicals that imma shoot into your eyes"
Another shitpost
greatsloth Mar 19
This moment is just a dream,
An illusion of a greater being
And once the cold death
Gave us it's warm embrace
We will fall into silence
As we wake up to see the reality.

If so, then why plague your mind with worry?
If this is just a dream, then why are you experiencing it in tragedy
When you can easily make it into comedy.
I'm airing out these poems, they went unuploaded for a year lol
Aaron Beedle Mar 17
Tuesday: **** was black and smelled of sulphur.

oh wait, this is my **** diary.

For those of you interested,
I'm indigested. Well, I suppose we're all indigested.

I'm off the water, on lemon and lime
and wouldn't you know it combined
with my strange state of internal affairs
to create a concoction that's up in flares.

They found undigested
gum and erasers
an unopened packet of quavers
several loose fillings
and an unopened pack of heavy duty nasal razors.

Alright I might be embellishing the truth a little
the situation's been fickle,
but my research mostly finds that
eating is the issue.
About: Lifelong irritable bowl syndrome. Yup.
Aaron Beedle Mar 17
I'm a sadist, guilt and remorse evadist
put my dark twist, on the folk
down in their gravies
resurrect em, clambering
shackled remains,
liberate thee,
run free in my domain.
De lib er ately
gliding, I'm death's author
and the last note
in the cacophony slaughter.
I'm the angel of death
and as you draw your last breath
know that I'm trying my best
to compensate for this theft
with more thieving, your grieving's
making my eyes sting
no reprieve in
believing, I'm only deceiving
in the heart of your very own body and mind
an inner evil, its seething
you know you can't hide
so break down and surrender
call on your defenders
and when the heavens aren't parted
the party gets started
there's no angel, descending
smiting at will
just my corpses, feasting
I'll send you the bill.
About: A vampire bragging about bringing the dead back to life.
Eliana Knight Feb 28
Here lies Anna, also known as one of the infamous black widows
Who claimed all of her husband’s smothered themselves with the pillows
Here lies Benjamin, thought himself a daredevil without a fear
First stunt and he wound up here
Here lies Caitlin, she always claimed that she was bestowed a curse
No one really believed her until she fell out of the hearse
Here lies Don Juan, to take on 22 women in one day was very brave
And he went with a huge smile to his grave
Here lies Elaina, who held in her gases believing it was a sin
Who knew you could literally explode from holding in wind
Here lies Frank, his enormous ego was his biggest flaw
He was quick on the trigger, but slow on the draw
Here lies Gemma, thought herself sophisticated and upper class
Who aimed for the brake and hit the gas
Here lies Hendrix, a daredevil bad boy who all the girls thought cute
Till the day he went sky diving and forgot his parachute
Here lies Irene, died at 102, outlived her daughter and son
Guess its true only the good die young
Here lies James, told his wife her sister was cute, a huge blunder
Because now he lies here six feet under
Here lies Kim, no one believed her as she always liked to play a trick
Now on her grave written are her last words “I told you I was sick”.
Here lies Lafayette, there are a lot of gossip and rumors you may hear
But its none of your business how I ended up here
Here lies Molly, whenever someone went missing, a party she would arrange
And no one said anything but the meat tasted strange
Here lies Norman; he never chewed his food, from a steak to a banana
And in the end he choked & died from a sultana
Here lies Olive, thought to be, by the town, a witch
All of her exes claim it false; she was just a royal *****
Here lies Percy, so rich his family slowly poisoned him till he was gravely ill
He had the last laugh when they found he left them with nothing but a huge bill
Here lies Quinine, she & her boyfriend tried position 69 at the sauna with little trepidation
He died of suffocation because she died on top of him from dehydration
Here lies Rocco, he was a bull rider & one day he forgot to let go
The bull started to ride him; I guess you reap what you sow
Here lies Samantha, in life everyone thought her a *****
When given an option in the afterlife, she proved them wrong by choosing limbo
Here lies Timothy, as a true atheist he claimed to be king
Now all dressed up, with nowhere to go the poor thing
Here lies Uma, obsessed with Botox, to the point where she couldn’t frown
One  day her face collapsed & died looking like a horror clown
Here lies Victor, he the world’s greatest fraud
Now I wonder how much he has swindled the devil and god
Here lies Willow, while tweeting about seeing a guy showing his **** crack
She didn’t see the metal post & died instantly when she gave it a whack
Here lies Xander, who tried to poison his wife & make it look like suicide
But the fool ended up drinking the cup with cyanide
Here lies Yana, was a blonde ******* model & a girlfriend of a billionaire
Always forgetful till the day she forgot how to breathe air
Here lies Zack, went and jumped off the highest tower
When he found out his ‘girlfriend’ of 25 years was charging him by the hour.
Its just meant for fun, not for offense
Eliana Knight Feb 26
Yes, I am tired, yes, I am annoyed, can you not read my face
If you keep bothering me, I will spray you with mace
Yes, I understand I sound like a nutcase
So, maybe give me some ****** space
No, I don't care about my soul & the afterlife
But did I mention I carry a knife?
No, I don’t want to listen to your problems, I have my own
Look, I don’t have time to listen as you btch & moan
Oh, you’re a poor millionaire & your life by money has been wrecked
You better go silent or soon you will be decked
You think it’s ugly that I am sarcastic and full of wit
Guess what? I really don't give a sh
t!
A-hole, I don’t care that you have something to say
You are not the first, so just get out of my way
If you keep pssing me off, you better pray
Because I will bring a ****** grand doomsday
Don’t mess with me or you may meet with foul play
If you keep calling me a nasty, psychotic b
tch
I can guarantee you will end up in a ditch
Yes, I can be crude, yes, I can be rude
But It’s funny because this is me in a good mood
Look it’s nothing personal, my hate is global
I'm just happily Anti-Social.
This is for comedy only, I does not reflect me nor my attitude, just simply to make you smile and enjoy, nothing more :)

P.S Except when you're having a bad day, then i think this can be relatable lol
Eliana Knight Feb 26
I smell the living and turn savage
I catch them then ravage
I think my flesh is becoming rotten
I can’t think and so much I have forgotten
I don’t understand why I am so hated
I do not rest even when sated
I am a hideous sight
I walk around day and night
I go around eating brains
I do not get sick when it rains
I actually don’t get sick at all
I have parts of my limbs that tend to rot off & fall
I was bitten and that’s how I was created
I can still be animated even when decapitated
I can be killed by a shot in the head...
I am a zombie, also known as the living dead.
I think this one is too easy lol
Eliana Knight Feb 25
I am there with you as soon as you are created
I am extremely unappreciated
I walk with you, yet make no sound
I am everywhere, all around
I am what they call taboo
I am old in no way new
I come for the young & old
I cannot be bribed by gold
I am deaf to your plea
I am unbiased you see
I give one touch and it’s the end
I am neither an enemy nor a friend
I am celebrated and I am also hated
I cannot be cheated, I am for all fated
I am there when you take your last breathe
I am known as the reaper, the bringer of death.
Eliana Knight Feb 25
I was attacked by a bear in the yard & survived
Got tasered by some random person but luckily i was revived
I survived in Spain when doing the running of the bulls & got trampled
Also lived when my stomach was pumped after ingesting rat poison i somehow sampled
The wife & i went to the Grand Canyon but i fell off of the cliffs, twice
I went skiing, heard a blast but was found when i got buried under a ton of ice
I was stung by a dozen jelly fish when weirdly swimming in pool not the sea
Walked away fine after trapped for several hours under a huge tree
Somehow it also happened with a heavy, massive rock
When the wife forgot to turn off the power & i got electrocuted, but I survived the shock
The wife accidently left in the boat & I got stuck on an island where the volcano erupted
I came back after I was taken & tortured by the Russian government who I believe may be corrupted
Also, when kidnapped in Mexico, they let me live though the wife forgot to pay the ransom
Had a random man throw acid in the face, my wife said the man must of thought i was too handsome
Somehow i got injected with venom by a snake
It’s like I’m so tough i refuse to break
In bed one night i was bitten by a black widow spider
Then when i was 9,800ft in the air, i somehow split my glider
The worst was when I went for a walk in a park I got mugged
Or when i woke up from a car crash & later was told i was drugged
Then by some nutcase I got shot in the head
I was for six minutes legally dead
I even survived when my silly wife accidently put in my food cyanide
These are the different ways I've nearly died
Each time I survived my wife just happily cried
Its nice to know she is always by my side.
This is meant to be a comedy, not trying to offend or laugh at the real issue of men and woman who experience abuse or life taken by their partner.
Man Feb 13
Take me at my word,
Or don't.
To me, it's nearly the same.
But don't expect
Should you neglect
To accept me being forthright,
That the same expression
Should cross my face.
You mistook honesty for lie,
Biography for farce,
Stand-up not discussion-
It is yet tragedy but comedy.
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