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Ken Pepiton Mar 5
La la Joconde, the joke as one may yoke
two or three re calling

details in mystery more than mere

completion intentional sfumata mere pure

clear as if nothing seen through reflective lead

subtility shown few, seen through granite reflecting
eastern wall of my tower, thought grand, a cave

operationally… stage left
your right, redirecting light, from my west,

tricks perceived as light a little brighter, turn
a detail, eyes made to speak irrelevancy,

observe a casus artis sui, as done, indeed,

as we may imagine natural reflection no brows

at the edge of Earthian evidence of ductility,

so subtle perceive the effect reason perceived…

we believe we are seen, face to face,
gentle smile entertained, flickering scintillating,

slight smile we are told, see this from 2025,
online PDF
better on your phone than in the Louvre
imagine Leonardo, with wifi

while tracing nerves, pursing the kiss,
shaping how we say smile, slightly

and we find the makings
of an ever imaginable
clear plain vision
slight smile,

providing word frame soft smooth transistion

low spatial frequencies,
imagine that, elusion, sfumata soft
allusive, recessive expression, towb ra' beheld.

The Mona Lisa keeps her smile, ah

lead us critical seer of details where the works

work their magic,
as we imagine the measure
of man, male model mundus mind holder
Earthian two tree vascular neural node
fruiting through root or branch,
while using fire
to pop seeds

Imagine meeting Da Vinci yesterday,
getting to know, his quirks,
and something

of life five hundred years ago.
Having some old smith ties,

compounding confounded springs
from old cars
in trigger assemblies
on the east side
of the Kush.

Verily true being man,
here we be, there be time,
here we think, there we may imagine

thinking, mere will
to be kept
for my art sake, or something,

try the spirits, feel the dense purity,

find the peasant story, find

the first hearth told naming day story,
the first hearty wake attended after all,

tie to the old religions casus belli got lost,
loosed and blown past nnnand gates,

goodness, Mr. Feynman, I can fix a flat.

That was the summer of '44…

at Alamogordo, south of trees planted
for several seasons in the 1980s,
at Ruidoso,
on Mescalero land, many trees
paid directly

to the Holy Alamo Church

where Andy Riddle died,
and sense you would not know him,
I ask you to trust me, he was saintly.

A celibate spiritual ******, was he,

a classically trained scion of some
airline fortune, Braniff adds some flair

this cult had heirs of Vanderbilt
and obscure Four Square base support,

with tendrils in Orange County Birchers.

Wild, wonder if what if, look at us now…  
as true believers, grown old,
to be reviewed
on Global TV
by members
surviving a lie,
a religious cult,
with credible ties
to Ronald Reagan,

and the take down
of Pandora's Box,
as the Domino Theory, has religion init,

decoding dementia devine design,
what if wonder if works best, then what


first we get the idea, we all see it done,
magnificent math positioning dominos,

true cause and effect demonstrations,
of promethean planning, fore thought,

functional failures readjusted, think
a gain, see, we learned what never works,

by trying a thousand times, ok, no hell,

no heaven not matching one that works here,

on earth, as if this were where forever occurs,,,

to us. Readers of time signs as we stay busy dying.
Trumps performance. the pretty in pinks the fraction of attention, once
word was whatsoever two or more agreed to call true, at once, is thought,
so true, so touching, so seriously addressing the smallness of Earth,
and how much attention is spent living, day to day,
some days hard, some not so hard, time to waste reading Isaacson/
Anne B Jun 2014
I believe that life happens between the points of a few good moments
and a few bad ones.
All that’s between are only shades of blue,
grey, whites, blacks and weddings and funerals and christenings.
I don’t know what life is
But surely, it must soon start.
I mean, the clock keeps ticking,
ticking,
ticking…
Tick, tock. Tick, tock…

I believe that the shades of grey are tests
Tests I must pass.
But life goes on.
Tick, tock.

Ok, I admit it. I don’t know.
When does life happen – when we find out to be alive?
-  or when we wish we were dead?
When I cry into my pillows and hope the rest of my dorm won’t hear me, but hoping someone will take care of me.
Take all the weight off your shoulders. Kiss you. Hold you close.
**** me.

No, I didn’t mean it that way. Ok, so maybe I do.
But we’re drifting away from each other – like two opposites, going our separate ways.
Tick, tock.
Stop the ticking, please. Make it stop.
“Don’t you want to get better?” Yes, I do.
“I know you’ve been here before.” Tick, tock.

So, for how long am I supposed to cry into my pillow – loneliness as my only friend; constantly lurking behind me; my shadow is loneliness – my face is lies. Pleased to meet you.
But back to him. I want to talk about him.
Tick, tock.
Shut up,
this is important.

“I’m just looking at the prettiest girl here,” you told me.
If I knew what I know now, I would have run away.
I would never have let you give me compliments; lever let you twist my hair; never let you kiss me; never let you touch me. Never let anyone touch me.
Go away.
Leave me.
The shades are all black.
My shadow creeps up on me.

I smile. And I don’t look happy. The face staring back at me is broken.
Tick, tock. Tick,
tock.
They talk. They know. They keep talking. I walk away.
“Mum, I’m not alright.”
“I know. You’ve been here before.”
Shades are grey – shades are black. The sky is dark. My face still doesn’t look happy.

My family keeps falling apart.
My home is no longer my home.
My friends, no longer so interested.
New friends. New places to hide.

Part one. I’m on a train. I’m standing on snow.
Part two. I’m in a car. I’m falling apart home.
Part three. I’m with you.
I’m alone. I guess that’s another story – but it’s not. It’s just me, and my friends loneliness, and my friend silence, and pillows, and lies on repeat.

So, for once. I understand.
It was a question of time before I broke too.
I wish I was dead, sometimes. But how can I give up when I have tasted the sweetness?
I have seen tiny sunrays; I have smelled your skin; felt your body; touched your soul – and then been crushed under myself and my enormous tumour of social sanctions.
I’m not allowed to love unconditionally.
I constantly find reasons to run.
Part one, part two, part three.
The ending comes later. The sad ending.

He doesn’t want me, I figure. And is confimed.

“It’s – it’s – “
“Please, just say it.” I swallow. “What happened between us?”
“Well, it’s – it’s – the age gap.”
Really.

I push people away.
I break their skulls and their hearts, and I find myself hiding like an unhappy fool.
- Who could ever want me?
They already taught me: the ones who love you will sooner or later hurt you, and let you rot in yourself; let you stay alone.
Destroy possibilities to climb back up – and that’s worse than hurting now.
It’s been worse.
They’ve humiliated me and destroyed me and my hopes and my intentions.
I don’t want to lose myself again.
Part one,
two,
three.

Hug me in the rain and laugh at my objections.
Show me the pictures of your family.
Let me in.
… maybe I’ll let you in too.

We ****** each other (over).
Was that really a good idea?
I can do that completely fine by myself, thank you.
Tick, tock. Really, still?
“… The prettiest”
Your lies are deceiving me. Your smile deceives me.
“Does it hurt?” “No, not so much. I’m okay.”

Please, I beg you.
Make it hurt.

I want it all.
The hurting; the people; the time; the time I don’t have; your smile and your lies.
“What is it you’re not telling me?” “Nothing, mum. It’s nothing.” She starts crying on the phone.
Silence.
But please. Let me in.
Knock, knock.
It’s raining. Please, can you let me in?

I have no home.
I’m just constantly hiding, running and trying to find someplace safe. Someone safe.

We could make it, you know.
“I don’t know what is happening now. I don’t know what we do.” “That’s fine. Me neither.” Kisses.
Where are your kisses now?

All I have is my sorrow, my shadow and my wet pillow.
And it hasn’t been raining. Screaming into my pillow.
Save me – just this once. I’m begging for help.
Can’t anybody
see
me?
Screaming out?

Grow up. Don’t write that.
Are you really that desperate?


Maybe life is only time.
Maybe time is just an illusion that one day another day will come, when time is really just night an day
– not years and weeks, but just empty days and nights.
Maybe life isn’t a linear curve where things get better as I previously had thought.

Just get out of this town.
Just grow up.
Just show them how good I can be.

I failed two classes this year.
I moved away from home;
and now they sell my home for strangers to live where I once played, cried, slept and laughed – by myself. Where my dreams were made.
And now; they seem to be crushed by waves crashing to the shore.

And my wall is finally crumbling down.

Inevitable. I scream into my pillow.
Hoping
for
a
better
day.

And I hang up the phone. Please, just take me in.

**Night to: 27th of May 2014
Stream of consciousness. Written on word. Trying to figure myself out.
Anne B Jun 2014
Why do people leave me?

Why do love only give birth to be slaughtered by your hands?

I am so afraid.

You won’t listen. 

You won’t tell me the words I want to hear.

I bring myself into the fires as I scream and smoke fills my lungs and the fire licks my body angrily - the same way your hands are all over me. I scream. Nightmares. 

Daymares. 

Reality.

I wish I didn’t end up like this all the time

I have a tortured soul, and one day, Jung and Nietzsche told me, I will too,  become the torturer

But ******

I fight, and I fight it so hard

I fight so hard to not hurt others

It’s all I ever do

I fight, and
I fight but I never seem to win

I had given in, accepted my fate

Why did you have to tear down

all
I
built

?

Maybe this all I really am;

a punching bag;

dust;

pulp;


Please, one time.
Help me up before you throw me out the window.

Next time, don’t let them get so close.

Don’t let them 

Them

and

me,

against the world. 

I should know better.

I sink. 

No metaphors.
No similes, please.
No poems. Please.

Just empty words after all.
Yes, beautiful. 
But

empty.

...

Take it all away.
Please.

Leave your knives,
leave your swords,
leave your guns.
Stop killing me.

Stop.

Please, stop me before I dive into the dark, freezing ocean - 

there is nowhere for me in this world.

So, to sleep. 

Perchance to dream… 

and all of that.

Let’s be true.
I don’t really know Hamlet’s soliloquy. 

But **** Shakespeare. He doesn’t know how hard it is. 

Ophelia didn’t drown herself so easily - I don’t sink so easily, but I still do - and every night I dream, I go away. 

Forever.

I’m not alone. 

I tell lies.

Okay, so maybe I’m not okay. 

But when will I ([n]ever) be?

I am born with this heritage.
With this scarred soul.
And William, Friedrich, Carl… 

- well, this is just another story of loneliness and giving up.
The crazy bunch.

Maybe, this is the last straw. 

Maybe, I’ll finally go crazy. 

The inevitable will happen. 

The lonely will be left - completely alone.

The self-destructing fool,
finally, self-destructing oneself. 

It’s so difficult to climb this ladder. 




I’ll just go down.

The water is cold.


**May 29th 2014
From my diary.

— The End —