you made me forget that i had acne and an unattractive bulge around my middle
you made me think that life was more than a dead end i accidently turned down
you made the stretch marks on the inside of my thighs into stars mapping constellations
you made getting up and remembering to breathe and hydrate seem important again
you made those empty feelings tuck away into a neat folder labeled NO at the back of my mind
you made the call of release softer
the strangling cacophony quieter
the heartflutters and catchbreaths less...disabling
you called my pale skin creamy and my cold heart warm and you traced love into my back after a night full of passion to remind me that yes you were real and yes this was life
and it was worth living
until
until
until
my lists of diagnosis became overwhelming and the pill bottles stacked up
your mom called me unstable and your sister shot sympathetic looks through lenses of dismay
your caress became hesitant and your words became darts
(that’s ten points for an insult and a bullseye if you make her cry)
i came back to a place we used to call home together and all that you left was your old university hoodie and a note saying you loved me
it didn’t seem to mean as much anymore

Tick tock
Tickety-Tickety tock
My hair stands at end
Ready to fall, a superior time to walk.

Away from here
And gone from this place
That fills me with sadness
And such disgrace.

Will I ever know the reason behind
The choices made, etched in stone?
Can I be forever sorry
Or just happiness eternally postponed?

So, here I am in complete surrender of will
I give up on self-sabotage and futility
I kneel to pray for mercy and grace
And for the gift of God's love, humility and grace.