I know
It's my fault
Nowhere
We are going nowhere
But I still want to pretend
That you're an angel
And you saved me
I still want to *******
Until you beg me to stay
But I don't
And you tell me to go away
Because I am just hurting you
And I just want to hurt you
But I'll go
And I'll eat my words
I'll walk walk walk
Slowly
I won't run
Because I still want you
To want me

They gave me pills
Because they said I was different
"You're not the same. You're sad"
The bad thoughts were more frequent
Than the good
But the pills
They made me numb
No good or bad
No excitement or passion or anger
Nothing
I am numb
Looking for something to give me feeling

Finger to her lips
Shh
Under covers
Alone we thought
No more
Dark
Footsteps
Hit hit hit
She was ripped from my arms
Hands legs heart mind
Her mouth said "Its ok"
But her eyes said something else
They never touched me
But I was bruised
Black blue red
Blood dripped from my eyes
Whats the point of having them If
I can't see her
It's been four months since
Her beauty graced my pathetic existence
Her pale skin marked with scars and bite
Marks
I miss her teeth
Her mouth
Blossoming lips
Fingers flat
To her lips
Shh

Tonight we were driving
Down the street near the water
Singing to some song
I already forgot the name of it
But I won't ever forget
The thought
That if I died I wouldn't mind
Because I am genuinely happy
In this moment

Stagnant air
greets her lips
First
Then nose
Lungs
Its getting harder
To breathe
But she does
Sleeping
Sleeping
Slipping
I slip deeper and deeper
Into her voice
Calms me after I tear my brains out
**** me again until I can't breathe
And hurt me in my sleep
So I don't know
So I don't know
I can't fight back the beast
That beats me
Everyday
Anymore

As I dig into the soil
I feel more and more grounded
More and more connected
To reality
It's very calming
The sun beats on my back
The birds are chirping
Soil cracks under the shovel
I take a sip of ice cold water
I look into the clear blue
Sky
Life is beautiful today

Doors slamming
And people yelling
Are two sounds that I
Prefer not to hear
Dark water
And boats
Make me feel
Afraid
Fire works
Pop Pop Pop
I ******* hate fireworks
They're stupid
And loud
And bring up bad memories
And on fourth of july
I hear those fire works
Coming from every direction
I sink deeper into myself
But out of my body
Away from everyone and myself
Forget forget forget
Then I feel selfish for wanting to forget
None of my friends understand what these things do to me
I'm sorry for not going to the beach at night
Or wanting to sneak into abandoned buildings
I'm sorry for crying when we went off-roading in your jeep
I'm sorry all I want to do is sit in my bed
And watch movies to distract myself from the
disturbing thoughts in my head