BUT NOBODY TOLD ME THE FUNERAL NEVER ENDS.

IT'S BEEN ELEVEN YEARS NOW, AND THE CASKET'S STILL LOWERING.

*"LEAVE ME HERE MOM. LEAVE ME HERE. I'M DEAD TOO."

When I was little
I played with plastic toy knives
and dragged them across
my brother's throat
saying, "You're dead!
You're dead! You're dead!
I swear, you're dead!"

And we pretended
kool-aid was blood,
letting it drip down
my chin and neck,
down my chest,
past my pec.

I wrecked my bike
and ran for days.
I was stung by bees and swore,
"Nothing could hurt more
than this."

And when I turned twelve,
I learned how to ******* to dreams.
The grip on my skateboard
wouldn't let go of me.
I ollied over plastic bags
and stared at lottery tickets
sleeping in the garbage.

She and I played with fireworks
faster than shooting stars.
We waded in the lake,
being a cliche.
She and I rolled on the grass, naked.
I don't know where she is, now.

I don't know.

you called me your sunlight
pulling your budding petals
out of the ground

i want to help you grow
into every person
you’ve ever wanted to be

i think you’re beautiful
facing towards me
becoming someone new

keep your head up
i’ll shine all my light on you
even when you feel like you can’t win

First post
First time
****, remind me of my first time.
Every time I think life just feels like it ain't mine.

Slap myself in the face did I just make such a mistake?
I thought I loved him, it, or her...
STOP ME IN MY TRACKS
I am blindsided how is he, it, or she the main topic now?
I AM HURT I ADMIT.
I AM HURT GAD ******.
But, it feels like I still have feelings for him?
It cant be right because I hate him, her, it or it just hates me...
According to him.

Who does that anyway?
Appear out of no where just to make me feel like a no body
When I was someone to him at one point
Since then, I question my appearance, my motives, love, life
I question who I fell in love with and HOW?!
When he's so not worth it
How can you threaten me months after we haven't spoke?
Its not like I harass you or talk to you I simply ignore your presence.
Although it is so loud in even the quietest rooms
I fall into discomfort every time.

I cry, I cry even when I know you ain't ****.
I try, I try to hide the pain.
Separating, breaking up, or hating was the best thing to happen to me.
And the only pain I feel is making you my first.

The bed is only half empty,
it is not half full.
as i clutch the wrinkled bed sheets
beneath my tiny balled up fists.
Black mascara staining my tears
that run down cold cheeks,
cold from not having been touched by your lips
cold from waking up
only to find you gone.

I carry the grief of you
between my shoulder blades.
Like stones in a heavy backpack.
I feel like I've just jumped into a river.

My soul is crying out for you
Don't you hear the wailing
For who else is there
Who will silence my agony
Wiping away the tears of yesterday
Only you..
Sometimes you say
No matter how hard it gets
After everything is said and done
One promise to me my love
Don't you dare forget the sun..